Homura thinks back.
Homura remembers.
And, in the beginning, there was a timeline where she was happyhopeful naïve.
Back before she realized that they had all made a deal with a devil. Back before she became numbed to the death and pain of the ones she had once called friends, before they lost the bit of trust they had gained in her.
Back. Far, far back. When a reset felt like another chance, a fresh start. Before it started to feel like dropping the blade of a guillotine on a failed world and a failed version of herself.
Far back when she was braided pigtails and little red glasses and far too timid and wide eyed.
Somehow or another, in that distant timeline they were all staying together. They had come together as a team to purge Walpurgisnacht, to save the world, and they all believed they could. They had come together to strategize, to form a battle plan, to unite their strengths and powers as one to eradicate the witch that threatened the balance of their world.
However, this was before they knew. Before they knew the true nature of witches and magical girls.
Things felt like a fairytale still. The kind that has a happy ending.
Like the heroes in the plethora books and comics Homura had read while limited to her hospital bed, they were magical saviors of goodness and light and though they may face terrible hardships, in working together they would be victorious in the end.
They had all seen hardships.
But Madoka has a way of inspiring.
Inspiring hope in people, inspiring a will to not give up. Their group was held together by Madoka, by her unwavering belief. Madoka believed they were the good guys and the good guys always win in the end. It was such a simple philosophy, but she was so sure of her belief, her belief in hope, that the others, though reluctantly and minutely in some case, had come to believe as well.
Yes, there was urgency as Walpurgis Night approached, but there was also certainty. In their time together there were moments of solemnity and disagreement, but despite everything there were also moments of comradery and what even almost felt like domesticity. They had laughed together, fought alongside each other and improved each other, and when their collective moods seemed dark, Madoka always knew how to lighten things up.
Keep going, keep believing.
They all had no idea.
Madoka thought their group needed a name.
Something cute, but cool.
"Something girly and also strong sounding. Like, ah...um... like th-the Frilly Fighters! Yeah, the Frilly Fighters!"
"Lame." Kyouko states bluntly as she snaps off a bite of pocky with her teeth. Sayaka frowns and elbows her in the side, Kyouko elbows her back.
"Wh-what?! I thought it was pretty good. We all have frills on our outfits..." she mutters looking down dejectedly. "Do you think it's lame Mami-san?"
"Not at all, Kaname-san. I think it's quite clever." Mami answers kindly as she takes a sip of tea. Sayaka and Homura are quick to agree.
"Yeah, it's great, Madoka." Sayaka says, as Homura nods and puts a hand on Madoka's shoulder comfortingly. "Kyouko's just a jerk." Kyouko merely grunts indifferently in response, biting back a more aggressive response when she sees Mami's warning glare above her teacup.
"So, that can be our name now?" Madoka asks enthusiastically, quickly looking between their faces and feeling a little confused when she isn't met with any enthusiasm back.
"Ah ha... well..." Mami lowers her teacup and clears her throat.
"I mean... it's good, it's good... but..." Sayaka scratches the back of her head.
Before Homura can say anything, Kyouko slams her fist on the table with a hearty laugh. "Ah ha ha! See, they think it's lame too!" Kyouko smugly kicks her feet up on the table with her hands behind her head and glances at Sayaka who she knows will take the bait.
Sayaka growls in annoyance before shoving Kyouko's feet off the table causing her to fall backwards with a yelp. "Why do you always have to be so rude, Kyouko?!"
Kyouko glowers at her from her place on the ground. "Rude? I'll show you rude!" Kyouko takes the leg of Sayaka's chair and gives it a yank causing her to fall out of it. As they squabble on the floor, Mami sighs and rubs her temples like a tired mother. Meanwhile, Madoka looks utterly surprised again.
"What?! It's not a good name after all?" She puts her hands on her head and squeezes her eyes shut. "Think, think... what's a good name...? Hmm... maybe... the Dainty Defenders, no too cutesy...maybe... Warriors of Light, no not cute enough. Hmm, names are so hard..." Madoka peeks one eye open to look at Homura. "Homura-chan, do you have any ideas?"
"Huh? O-oh... well..." Homura feels a little embarrassed to admit, "I-I actually did have an idea. B-But! It's probably not very good a-and probably not very cute."
"No, I bet it's great! I want to hear it!" Madoka gently squeezes her arm reassuringly with a bright smile that makes Homura's heart flutter in her chest. She turns to the others. "Homura-chan has an idea."
Kyouko and Sayaka are still at each other's throats, wrestling gracelessly on the floor. Mami's eyebrow twitches before she darkly murmurs, "That's enough, girls."
Sayaka instantly freezes. She let lets go of Kyouko's cheek and uprights her chair with a stiff, "Yes, ma'am."
Kyouko merely rolls her eyes with a, "Tch."
Mami shifts her gaze to Homura. Her scary expression leaves her face instantly and is replaced with her usual polite smile. "Now, Akemi-san, what was it you wanted to say?"
Homura feels a blush overtake her face when all the eyes on the room turn to her. She feels Madoka bump her shoulder against her own encouragingly. "I-I was thinking of the name," Madoka smiles at her, "The Holy Quintet."
Everyone seems to silently contemplate the name for a moment. Homura wants to explain the name and backtrack all at once, but instead she stays quiet with increasing anxiety.
"Huh. It's a little cheesy, a little self-righteous, but it's alright." Kyouko is the first to voice her opinion. Sayaka and Mami are soon to follow.
"It sounds cool actually."
"It has a rather nice ring to it."
Madoka stands up suddenly.
"It sounds amazing! It makes us sound like real superheroes!" Madoka continues dreamily, "The Holy Quintet, protectors of Mitakihara. Defeating witches and darkness with light and friendship..."
"Now that's cheesy." Kyouko says with a cringe before laughing. Madoka pouts a bit and looks to Sayaka to defend her.
"Ha ha, yeah definitely cheesy." Sayaka agrees to her surprise.
"Ha ha, yes, but that bighearted optimism is very like Kaname-san." Mami says fondly. Everyone nods in agreement at that.
"Are you saying I'm cheesy then?"
"Certainly." Mami answers with a laugh.
At Madoka's bewildered reaction, they all share a laugh.
Homura joins them easily.
So blissful, so carefree and pleasant.
So ignorant.
That night, something had roused Homura from her sleep before the sun rised. She slowly turned on her side, the full moon illuminated the room with a ghostly, white light. She rubbed her tired eyes and slipped on her glasses, her blurry vision slowly adjusted to the light. She could make out Mami's form a few feet away, the blankets rising steadily and soundlessly with her breath. Even while she was asleep, she somehow managed to look elegant and put together, her perfect blonde curls seeming golden in the moon's light, her expression serene. Kyouko was the exact opposite. Kyouko's form was sprawled out, her pillow uselessly tossed away and her blanket twisted around her legs in a way that would surely trip her when she tried to get up. Kyouko breathily snores and flings out her right arm. Sayaka grumbles drowsily when Kyouko's hand lightly smacks her face.
Everyone is in their sleeping bags, except... Madoka, who is sitting at the window sill, staring out into the night.
Homura is still tired. She could turn over and fall right back to sleep if she wanted to. Instead she gets up and tiptoes over the other girls and takes a seat next to Madoka. Madoka greets her with a warm, sleepy smile before turning her gaze back outside, back to the moon. Homura follows her gaze, the night is beautiful, the moon full and unabashedly bright, but as the two sit in comfortable silence Homura's eyes keep wandering back to look at the girl next to her.
Homura can't help but stare.
Madoka rests her head on her arm, her eyes half lidded and relaxed. She wears a small smile and Homura wonders what she is thinking about. In the pale moonlight, she looks so ethereal. Her fair pink hair looks unimaginably soft and Homura wants so badly just to run her fingers through it, run her thumb over the soft skin of her cheek, and her bottom lip, wants to hear that adorably irresistible giggle when she does it.
She's so beautiful.
Homura has never known anyone as beautiful as Madoka, she's never known anyone she's admired as much as she admires Madoka.
"Homura-chan..." Madoka suddenly says softly, barely above a whisper. Homura snaps out of her daze in an instant, feeling the heat rise to her face. Madoka continues quietly, "What's your dream...?"
She turns to look at her, the moonlight makes her eyes look as if they were glowing. "When all of this is over, what kind of magical girl do you want to be?"
The question takes Homura off guard. She looks at the moon as if asking it for the answer. Madoka watches her patiently.
"I... want to be... useful." She looks down at her hands resting on her lap. "I want to be the kind of magical girl... who can help..."
...who can save you...
"Who isn't a burden, who isn't... a bother. I-I'd been so powerless before, so unsure, so weak. So, weak." She clenches her hands into fists. "No more. I want to be a magical girl who can make a difference."
Homura's fists are clenched tight, her knuckles are white. Madoka's warm hand closes over them. Homura looks up at her.
"Homura-chan, you are so amazing," Madoka says with sincerity and Homura can't imagine why. "It's really incredible how much you've improved already... and Homura-chan, you've never been a burden, so please don't think of yourself as one. You're one of the strongest people I know! Despite how hard things have been for you, you keep on getting better and stronger, and I really look up to you because of that. You're already a magical girl who can make a difference, Homura-chan." Madoka rubs her thumb over the back of Homura's hand with a gentle smile. Homura is at a bit of a loss at what she just heard.
"Ka... Kaname-san... please, you're the one who is amazing! I don't know how you do it, how you always put others first no matter what. It's like you help everyone you meet, you make the lives of everyone you meet better and you bring out the very best in people." Homura grips Madoka's hands, and her eyes widen a bit, but Homura doesn't stop. She's in awe. "You make everyone feel like they have a friend in you and you just have this way of... bringing everyone together. You never give up, you're so confident. You reached out to me when no one else would. You are the kindest and most selfless person I've ever met. And you are so beautiful."
She stops suddenly and realizes she's ran out of breath. She immediately feels her blood runs cold as her heart starts to hammer in her chest.
She must have sounded like a freak. Madoka is staring at her in shock and she must think Homura is out of her mind.
But then, Madoka starts to laugh.
"Oh, Homura-chan. You are so cute."
And Madoka leans forward and kisses her on the cheek.
Homura thinks her heart must have stopped completely. Madoka pulls back and smiles affectionately at her with a small giggle.
"I'm so happy you feel that way about me," Madoka says warmly. She takes Homura's long braid and starts twirling the end of it through her slender fingers. "You know... I think our dreams might not be that different from each other."
She looks up at Homura with a quiet conviction in her eyes. "More than anything, I want to be a magical girl that gives people hope."
Homura's heart starts to pound for an entirely different reason. A mermory of a failed timeline, one where Madoka had made a similar declaration, one that had ended in Madoka laying limp in the water, flashes in the forefront of Homura's mind for a moment to which she fiercely shoves it out.
"Heh heh, you said I'm confident, but that wasn't always the case... I felt like you did, I felt like I wasn't useful. I didn't think I had any special talents or was good at anything in particular. I wanted to help people, I just didn't think I was capable of doing anyone any good. Becoming a magical girl changed all that." She smiles and it's blinding. "Maybe... that's why I want to give people hope. Everyone doubts themselves. Everyone has a potential to be great, some people just don't realize it. I know what it's like to feel helpless like that, so I want to help them. Help them to believe, to never give up. That's my dream."
"Kaname-san..." Homura breathes with a quivering lip. She feels an incredible swell of emotion in her chest. She reaches out and takes hold of Madoka's hands, her own trembling.
This girl... is perfect.
What Homura feels in this moment is so strong and so overwhelmingly so that she can't even pinpoint what exactly it is.
Reverence.
Fear.
Love.
All of it. Everything at once.
She doesn't realize she's crying until Madoka reaches up to wipe away her tears.
"K-Kaname-san," Homura's voice is small and shaky. Madoka's smile is bittersweet as she gently strokes Homura's cheeks with her thumbs. "You a-already give people hope! Everyone h-here. Miki-san, Tomoe-san, Sakura-san. Everyone is here is because you gave them hope. Everyone is still fighting because y-you helped them believe." Her breath hitches. "A-and me. I couldn't have done any of this without you, I-I wouldn't be standing here. It's because of you I made friends and improved as a magical girl. You gave me courage and s-so much hope and..."
... really, you're the only hope I have.
God, we have to make it out of this alive.
Madoka's face contorts and Homura can see through the blur of her own tears the streaks that spill down Madoka's face before she pulls her into a tight embrace. Homura returns the embrace in an instant, clutching for dear life onto Madoka's petite frame and burying her face into her hair.
"Homura-chan," Madoka's voice tremors. "More than anything, I want us to see our dreams come true together. I want to be by your side. We're all going to defeat that witch and save the world." Homura tightens her grip around Madoka's form. Her entire body is shaking now.
"Th-that's what you said last time." She whispers with a quiet terror starting to build in her chest.
"Last time we didn't have everyone though, right? You said it was just me and Mami-san, right?" She rubs Homura's back in comforting, gentle circles. "We're stronger now. We know more now thanks to you." She rests her head against Homura's and whispers, "We can do this, Homura-chan. I know we can if we're all together." She whispers and Homura wonders if she's trying to convince her as well as herself. "And..." She wipes her own tears away with the sleeve of her night gown and takes Homura's head and lifts it up so she can look her in the eyes. She musters a smile. "After we beat the witch, we'll come home and Mami-san will make a big cake for all of us."
Homura sniffles and manages to muster a smile of her own. "Heh, b-big enough that Kyouko won't hog all the pieces to herself."
"Heh heh, at least big enough that we'll all have leftovers for the next day."
They both giggle quietly to themselves. Homura feels a bit better and as she watches Madoka's shoulders bounce with laughter, a light dusting of pink on her cheeks, and the sweet sound of her giggles like music to her ears, a warm feeling takes over Homura's whole body.
"I love you."
Homura hadn't meant to blurt it so suddenly. Madoka's eyes widen.
Homura slaps a hand over her own mouth with a jolt of realization. She's about to stutter out excuses, to backtrack.
But Madoka's eyes soften.
"I love you, too."
She lays her hands on Homura's shoulders and leans forward, Homura closes her eyes. Madoka presses a featherlight kiss to Homura's lips. It's only a fraction of a second, but it's enough to send a wave of intense emotion over Homura.
It emboldens her.
She wraps her arms around Madoka and presses their lips together in a deeper kiss. Homura had never kissed anyone before and she could assume Madoka hadn't either, so it wasn't very graceful. But that hardly mattered to Homura, how could she care when she could taste Madoka, could finally feel that her lips were as soft as she had always imagined they would be. Strong feelings hit her like a tidal wave all over again. Her mind was spinning, but in the beautiful euphoria of it all, an anxious voice refused to quiet itself in the back of her mind.
The witch isn't defeated yet.
You could lose this.
You could lose her again.
She can feel a sting in her eyes. She whimpers against Madoka's lips.
Madoka opens her eyes and notices the tears. "Homura-cha-mmph."
With a choked gasp, Homura presses her lips firmly against Madoka's. She wants to enjoy this, she's already is enjoying it, but at the same time...
You won't be able to protect her.
She's going to forget this.
"Homura-mm-chan, what's wr-mm-wrong?" Madoka manages between Homura's unrelenting kisses.
"Kaname-san, mmn, please," Homura pleas breathlessly. "Tell me we'll be able to stay like this."
Another kiss.
"Of course."
Another kiss.
"Tell me we'll win."
"We will."
Homura kisses up her jawline to her cheek.
Homura's throat feels dry.
"Tell me the witch won't kill you."
Homura kisses from her cheek up to her eyebrow, up to her forehead.
"The witch won't kill me."
Homura's lips feverishly find Madoka's again. Madoka holds the back of her head, and maybe Homura believes her.
Madoka was right, the witch didn't kill her.
Homura did.
They found out about witches in that timeline. When Sayaka Miki became one.
How selfish of her. When everything was going just fine.
And because Madoka is so good. She would rather die than become something so vile.
Poor little Madoka could only hold off that inevitability for so long. Maybe it was poor little Homura's fault in the end.
Time resets itself.
Homura reaches for a ribbon that is no longer in her hair. Ah, old habits...
School is let out for the day. Students filter out the front gate in a steady stream. Mannequins in identical uniforms laugh with each other as they pass her by.
Mami Tomoe smiles politely at Homura even though she doesn't know her, but there is something else behind her eyes.
She hears a laugh behind her that she knows and doesn't resent.
When Sayaka Miki walks past her, her laugh abruptly dies in her throat when she spots Homura. She eyes her suspiciously and tightens her grip around Madoka's shoulders. Madoka's red ribbons bounce cutely as she walks, back in her hair as they should be. Madoka follows Sayaka's gaze, and she spots Homura.
And, when she looks Homura in the eyes...
She looks at her as if she doesn't understand her at all.
Homura feels something like a vice in her chest, clamping her heart and crushing it to bloody pieces.
And she smiles.
Because this is how things should be.
The thing about dreams is sometimes as you get closer to realizing them, they take on a different shape than what you thought they would be.