Chapter 26
It feels wrong to walk into the cafeteria without Mary, but I haven’t seen her yet, and the growing tension between Kirari and Igarashi is unsettling to say the least, so I couldn’t stay in that room. I have a nervous feeling in my stomach, and I cannot be sure if it’s from the thought of all the eyes that will be on me or if is from the overgrowing evidence that Kirari is about to do something stupid. Maybe I should just wait for Mary her scowl almost always defers people from staring. And maybe I should try to help Kirari, but what’s the point in the blind leading the blind? There isn’t and either way she’d refuse. Stubborn. Like Mary.
The only choice is to just forget this feeling. I’m sure everything will be fine. I just need to walk into the cafeteria, and if Kirari does something stupid, perhaps she’ll finally learn something. I know this, yet I’m still standing here, outside the cafeteria door. There’s the sound of footsteps behind me. I feel nervous even behind the safety of this mask.
“What the hell are doing out? Why wouldn’t you just enter the cafeteria?” It’s Mary. She’s frowning.
“I was waiting for you.” She scowls at that. I pretend not to the see blush it’s cute.
“Well next time don’t. Jesus can’t you do anything yourself.” She grabs my wrist. Her comment should hurt. It doesn’t. I know the truth, and besides her face is too cute to be upset. Still I’m a little embarrassed. It feels a little silly now standing outside a door waiting for someone when you don’t even know when they’re coming. Like a dog. I wonder does Sayaka ever think such things? I don’t understand this love I feel.
She lets go the second the door opens whether it was for my sake or simply because she’s a bit shy doesn’t really matter. It’s still sweet.
I follow behind her as we walks across the cafeteria to an empty table. She seems more annoyed than normal I wonder is it my fault? Or something else? Maybe she’s still upset about what Kirari said last week. Once we’re at the table she points to it.
“Sit here. I’ll be back.” I sit and she nods before walking away. I hate it in the cafeteria. All these people. If I didn’t have my mask, surely I would have run by now. I have become too reliant on it. I’m sure of this. Sure it is easy to just take it off and do a gamble, but it hate different. That’s easy, but taking off the mask for reasons besides gambling are not easy and acting as Kirari is not. There’s no objective, no distraction from the overwhelming feeling of vulnerability. It’s another trait Kirari shares with me. She simply believes it’s better to avoid feeling, and she does it in a far less...healthy manner. Not to claim that hiding behind an actual mask is good. It’s just that I know when to take it off. At least now I do.
She’s never. Not even for a second. She hates this mask I wear so much, yet she seems completely fine with the one she wears. Or maybe it’s part of the act. Perhaps I should take a book out of Mary’s book and try forcibly removing it. I won’t though. I’ll never be as decisive as her. Mary won’t let anything stop her; anything she wants she’ll go for.
Then why not me...my face is on fire now. It’s a bit arrogant I know; to think that someone else wants you, but it’s true. I’m no fool. I guess it makes sense though the only thing more important than her goals is her pride. It must be difficult for her to throw something that has protected her for so long away. It leaves me no choice, but to make the first move. I was going to get advice, but there’s no one. Kirari is the only one I’m close to besides Mary...so there is no one.
A tray besides me is slammed down. I look up to be greeted by her annoyed face. Is she still made about earlier?
“I’m sorry about earlier. You’re right it was pathetic and—“ She’s scowling even more now.
“Why do you have to apologize for every damn thing? It’s fine.” She grumbles out, and takes a bite of her food. How can a person look so pretty with such an ugly emotion like anger on their face? She takes another bite of her food.
“Okay.” She’s takes another bite of her food before dropping her fork, and throwing her head back to let out a groan.
“Don’t do that.” What?
“Do what?” She’s frowning.
“That face.” My hand almost instinctively moves up to my mask. It’s still there. How can see know the face In making if she can’t see it? She takes another bite.
“That guilty face you make. I just know you’re making it under that stupid freaking mask.” I can’t quite tell how it makes me feel. Good that someone cares about me enough to know the faces I’ll make or bad about how much they know? She’s still angry though.
“Sorry.” She groans again.
“Whatever.” She’s grumbling something under her breath, but it’s too loud to hear. She starts eating again. She’s upset about something that’s clear. I wish I could ask, but she won’t answer. Or maybe that’s just an excuse. It’s so easy to fall into this pattern of passiveness. It’s my nature, but this is Mary.
“Mary.” She stops eating and locks up at me. “I was just um...never mind.” It feels wrong to expect her to share her vulnerabilities in this mask. It feels wrong to ask her for so much when I have given so little.
“What the hell does that mean? Never mind? Say what you want.”
“It wasn’t important.” Mary’s pissed. She’s disappointed I know she dislikes this passive side of me
“You’re so damn annoying, and why aren’t you eating anything. If you want to eat somewhere else, we could just go somewhere else. It’s fucking weird if you’re just sitting there not eating.” It’s sweet; even if she pretends not be, Mary is nice. I love that.
“It’s okay I ate earlier.”
“Fine I don’t care either way. It’s not like Yumeko is here to harass me anyway.” It’s wrong, but I can’t help but agree. Yumeko’s habit of touching is less than ideal. Not the most annoying part of my life, Kirari is that , but it is up there.
“Where are they?” Certainly they’re up to no good.
“Yumeko and Suzui are off gambling. It’s a good thing too. Yumeko has been a real pain these last couple of days.” Is that why she’s been upset today, Yumeko?
“Oh okay.”
“And you know what we should be to. I’m starting to think you don’t even want to win this election. What the hell even are your motives?” It hurts. It’s true I’m not particularly interested in the winning the election. Sure I have collected a decent amount of election chips, but it’s been less about my own victory and more about ensuring those I do not want to win don’t. I cannot even be sure if this true though. It’s not that I personally care who wins and loses it’s just I’m a bit worried of what would happen if particular members of my family.l won.
Wants and desires have evaded me for so long, but I know I want to keep Kirari safe.
I look back up at Mary; her face is scrunched up in a way that screams rage. This isn’t her usual anger it’s real. I have not answered her yet.
“They why are you even here. Jesus Kirari put you up to this. I should have known.” No. No. I can’t let this happen.
“Somewhere else.” I whisper it, but I know she can hear.
“Fine.” She shovels the last bites of her food in her mouth, and stands up. I follow after her. The feeling is what I would imagine a guilty dog would feel. Shame, fear, and guilt. I don’t want to lose Mary, but I hurt her with my passiveness. I don’t want to be that kind of person.
I feel nervous. I’m sweating. It’s fine. It’s fine. Mary will understand as long as you explain. She slams the door open. I shut it behind me, and move to take off my mask. I have to be open. It’s easy to honest I hate lying, but to be open it’s different. That’s hard. Besides Mary would never allow me to keep it on.
She’s facing the wall.
“You better take that damn mask off or I’ll le—“ She pauses when she my face. “Oh.” There is a faint blush on her checks. It doesn’t make me feel better.
“It’s true.”
“Fuck you.” Her tone is angry, but her eyes are sad. She’s moves towards the door. I have to stop her. I reach out and grab her wrist. I wish I had my mask to hide this blush.
“Please wait.” She looks at my face before averting her eyes. She’s blushing too now. It’s cute. Even ground should calm my nerves, but my heart rate is still erratic.
“Fine whatever.” Now is my chance. After the truth is laid bare, perhaps I can actually do something about these feelings of ours.
“It’s true that I don’t care about winning the election, and that Kirari asked me to work with you. I don’t know why. She doesn’t talk to me too much . But I-I...” I keep stuttering.
“You what?”
“I want to.” It’s a whisper. It’s all I can mange.
“Want to what?” She’s not angry anymore.
“I wanted to stay with you. I think you’re great!” I yell the last line. I’m an idiot. This is the most embarrassing moment of my life. My hands shoot up to face. There’s a few moments of silence.
“Oh. Um. Yeah I get. I guess we can stay friends or whatever. You know what. Don’t even feel bad about this Kirari’s a bitch.” Relief. It’s all I can feel in this moment. I undercover my face to see Mary blushing. She’s beautiful.
“She’s not she just doesn’t understand.” Kirari you are the bane of my existence, yet here I stand defending you.
“Understand what?”
“Others’ emotions.” Mary scoffs.
“More like basic common decency.” I can’t help but chuckle. Mary smiles a little.
“She’s trying. It’s just. Um. She really is. It’s just not working.” Mary laughs at this. A wonderful sound.
“I doubt that she’s trying, but she’s definitely failing.” It shouldn’t be funny, but it is.
“Stop. I’m sure one day she’ll get it.” Mary laughs again.
“Really? Kirari?” It’s a thought of I have had myself, and I can’t help but frown. She stops at my frown. “Okay whatever, but you cannot deny she’s ridiculous.”
“I wouldn’t try. I’m not a liar after-all.” She laughs again. “Umm. Mary I have a question.”
“What is it?” The nerves are back. Just say it.
“Do you want to eat out somewhere this week?” We’re both blushing. It’s awkward. I ruined it. Why’d I say
that? No. There’s no point in regrets. This was a mistake.
“Sure is tomorrow okay?” She’s looking at the wall. Her cheeks are all red. I smile.
“Yeah. Where do you want to eat?”
——————
I feel a bit guilty being so happy when I know Kirari will probably be in a bad place. Maybe it’s rude to doubt her like this. Maybe she’ll handle the situation maturely or maybe it won’t be too bad. Just blow over like all her other mistakes. Is it wrong to hope that the last doesn’t happen? Is it wrong to still be happy about telling the truth to the Mary when Kirari might be hurt?
If I asked Mary, she’d probably laugh in my face and call me an idiot for caring so much about her. I don’t think Kirari would care either if the circumstances were reversed. Maybe that’s a cruel assumption. Either way I feel guilty about my feelings. About how happy I’m. It’s okay though. I felt guilt over never protecting Kirari for a long time. This is no different.
——————-
The door to my room suddenly opens. A bit of shocking event to be honest. Kirari rarely comes in here, and any of the workers would knock first. I pause my show before looking to the door. It’s Kirari. And she doesn’t look well. I move to sit up.
“What’s wrong Kirari?”
“Something happened with Sayaka.” Her voice is shaky. It’s the voice of someone about to break out in tears.
I stand up and move closer to her. “What happened Kirari?” I want to reach out and grab her, but I’m not sure if I should.
“She-she.” She’s stuttering. It feels unsettling. I see tears in her eyes. Kirari’s never cried before at least never that I have seen. She reaches a hand up to her face and touches her eye. She brings it away and looks down at the tear. There a little bit of that curiosity in her eyes even now. It’s still Kirari. “What is this?” I reach forward and gently grab her wrist. She doesn’t flinch away. Good perhaps I’ll be to calm her down.
“It’s tears, Kirari.” I say it softly even if it feels a bit silly to explain such a thing. She knows that after-all maybe it’s some sort of shock?
“Why?” Oh Kirari.
“Cause you’re upset.” She doesn’t get it. It’s clear.
“But why?” Her voice is weak. It’s hard to understand her with how shaky it is.
“Cause you care about Sayaka.” You love her...I should say maybe once she comes down. It still doesn’t feel like it’s my place.
“Oh.” I sit down on the edge of my bed and pull her down with me. There is still tears running down her face. A mess. I wonder who is to blame?
“It’s okay Kirari. Come lie down with me.” She seems hesitant, so I lie down first. The I pull her down. Half her body is on top of mine, and her head is resting in between my neck and shoulders.
“It hurts.” I hate that voice I never want to hear it again.
“I know. It’s okay.” I’m running her back, and I can feel the wetness from her tears.
“Sayaka she-she...”
“Shh. Tell me later.” I’m curious, but my worry is greater. I have never seen Kirari like this. She has seen me like this though. And she comforted me. For the first time I finally feel like the older sister. I finally feel like I’m doing something to help Kirari. She’ll be fine. I hope. I knew she’d end up falling, but I didn’t think it’d be so bad. What happened? Some sort of fight between them? It seems unlikely. Sayaka left then?
No she wouldn’t do so without a reason she’s too loyal.
“It hurts Riri.”
“I know.” I’d much rather have to deal with obnoxious, arrogant Kirari than this hurt Kirari.
“And your bed smells like apples. It’s interesting.” Her voice is mumbled from the tears and taking into my shoulder. She really is ridiculous.