Adora couldn’t sleep. Darla was slowly (running on fumes) makes her way towards the planet Entrapta had found with the fuel crystals.
“We should all get some rest before we head down there,” Bow had stated before making a beeline to the bunk room without meeting Glimmer or Adora’s eye. Glimmer silently nodded in agreement and slowly followed Bows path to the bedroom. She paused just before turning down the hallway to glance back at Adora questioningly, eyebrows slightly raised.
“I’ll be right there just give me a minute,” Adora said with a forced smile. Satisfied, and looking exhausted Glimmer just nodded again and turned down the hall.
Once she was gone Adora turned and faced the center of the ship. She was alone, even Entrapta had decided to get some rest while the ship meandered its way towards the planet with the fuel crystals. Adora walked towards the front of the ship, past her throne and placed her hands on the cool metal below the dashboard console. She looked out at the stars through Darla’s front windows, looking out through the windows of their space shape into the deep void of space.
A shudder beginning in the pit of Adora’s stomach and ran through her whole body. She closed her eyes, throwing her head back slightly as she pushed a deep sigh out of her lungs.
Catra.
It didn’t make any sense.
She saved Glimmer. She sent Glimmer to them, leaving herself in Horde Primes clutches as an enemy. After everything, everything that had happened between her and Adora.
She said she was doing it for you Adora.
Adora felt tear prickling at the sides of her closed eyes. For a moment she hears Shadow Weavers voice in her head berating her for crying, for showing weakness. It makes her think of Catra all over again. She gripped the metal of Darla’s console hard trying to steady her breathing. It doesn’t make any sense she thought feverishly.
She said she wanted to do one good thing in her life.
Adora pushed off the console, letting a choking sound somewhere between a growl and a whimper escape her lips. Leave it to Catra to complicate everything with a last minute grand gesture. And by complicate everything she meant tear at Adora’s heart as if she had sunken one of her claws right into it. And she did it for her, for Adora.
“It doesn’t make any sense” Adora muttered weakly to herself as she again looked out at the stars. But even as the words left her lips she knew they weren’t true. The shudder rippled through her body again, so strong she felt nausea welling in her stomach. Adora always knew, she knew her Catra was still in there. That under all the rage and suffering that Catra endured and was causing, that the girl she knew her whole life was still in there.
Even after the portal, when she was so so angry with Catra that she convinced herself that her childhood friend was gone. That there was nothing good left in her and that she was never coming back to Adora. But that villainous, angry perception in Adora’s mind, that evil, can’t-be-saved Catra that she had built up in her head over the past year crumbled down in pieced. And as it crumbled, all of Adora’s overwhelming emotions flooded in, like air rushing to fill empty space. Adora felt her longing for Catra, her regret over Catra, her love for Catra at full force, not clouded by anger and hate.
And she easily realized that those feelings had never left. No, it was just easier to hate Catra rather than feel all these complicated emotions for her. For her enemy. And Adora thought with piercing clarity, that this tactic was clearly what Catra had used the whole time. Its just easier to hate than to feel all of this.
But now she wasn’t even sure if Catra was her enemy. She saved Glimmer. She did it for me.
The sounds of Catra struggling over the auto transmission crept into Adora’s mind. The sound of her clearly fighting to ensure Glimmer was delivered safely to them. The sound of her putting herself in serious harms way with no possible escape, for Adora.
Adora I’m sorry.
For everything.
Adora wanted to hit something. She wanted to hit something bad, until her fists hurt, and these shuddering waves of nausea and anxiety stopped running through her. As she walked away from the window towards the bunk room she thought about laying her fist right into her big metal chair, she really thought about it. But she didn’t want to worry the others or wake them.
Adora couldn’t sleep but she should try.
In the bunk room Bow and Glimmer were both curled up in cots, on opposite sides of the room. She could hear Bows deep breathes confirming that he was asleep while Glimmer lay there silently facing the wall away from Adora.
Adora pulled her hair out of her ponytail and crawled into the empty bed. Sighing deeply, she closed her eyes rolled onto her back just to stare up at the ceiling.
Catra.
She was all alone on that ship now. A prisoner of Horde Prime or worse after what she did. What she did for me, Adora thought again feeling a white hot ball of rage, regret, and something else burn in her chest. That something else felt a lot like grief.
Don’t come here no matter what. Horde Prime is ready for you.
Adora let out another deep sigh, biting the insides of her checks to focus on something other than her cocktail of emotions. She tried to close her eyes and rest but images of Catra kept flashing before her eyelids. She squirmed in her bed, gripping the bed sheets so tightly it hurt her hands.
She saw Catra and her as little kids, running through the hallways of the Fright Zone. She saw Catra standing over her as she lay chained at her feet in Hordaks lab. Catra wearing that fucking suit at prince prom dancing with her, gripping her by the shoulders and dipping Adora. Catra with half her face missing, fighting her to the bitter end as the world dissolved into bright lights and demonic sounds all around them. Catra Catra Catra.
Catra and her holding hands in their bunk in barracks in the Horde. Smiling and looking into each others eyes, afraid, a little hurt but together. Catra wrapped up in that adorable blanket, her big crazy hair sticking out in every direction like it always looked when they were kids.
It doesn’t matter what they do to us. You look out for me and I look out for you. Nothing really bad can happen as long as we have each other.
You promise?
Adora sat bolt right up in her bed, her breathing heavy. She lasted about five minutes in that bed. She needed to move. She needed to hit something. Anything to make the spark in her chest and either ignite or fizzle out.
Her bare feet hit the cool metal floor. Her feet began to walk her away from the bed into the hallway. She felt like her body was controlling itself, like her mind was retreated inward. She could hear the sound of her breathing growing louder and faster, but she couldn’t do anything to stop it. She rounded the long hallway back to the center of the ship, not thinking just moving.
Adora paced back and forth through the center of the ship, breathing raggedly, hands running through her down hair. Catra Catra Catra, why did you do it? Why now-
“Adora?”
Whipping her head in the direction of the voice Adora saw Glimmer standing in the hallway entrance, hands together in front of her chest, shoulders hunched forward, eyes wide looking at Adora. The position she held herself in made her look so small. Glimmer was always a small girl, but she carried such a large presence that only grew larger when she became queen.
But now she looked small and incredibly young.
“Adora are you okay?” She asked as she approached.
Standing there looking at Glimmer, Adora was overcome with a feeling of gratitude. Glimmer was really here after all those months of fear and longing to be there for her, to bring her home safely. Months of her and Bow looking at one another and just missing Glimmer’s presence, an ache they could both just feel. But now Glimmer was here, really standing in front of Adora.
Amidst Adora’s emotional spasm, a true smile pulled at the corners of her lips as Glimmer took her hand. It was so good to have Glimmer here, safe with her again. Her presence calmed Adora and they pulled one another into a tight huge. Adora’s arms pulling Glimmer into her chest, chin resting in her pink hair.
“I’m okay don’t worry about me. How are you? Why aren’t you sleeping?” Adora asked. A fierce desire to protect and take care of Glimmer flooded through Adora and she tightened her arms around the smaller girl, pulling her in even closer. Glimmer was safe with her again, and Adora was going to take care of her.
Glimmer gently pulled away from Adora’s bear huge to look up into her friend’s eyes. “I can’t sleep, I don’t want to sleep. Sleeping’s all I’ve for however long its been now. I just want to talk.” She stated. Though her face was soft, Glimmers eyes seemed to be pleading, almost begging Adora.
Then Glimmer’s composition broke ever so slightly as her bottom lip began to quiver and she took it between her teeth, looking away from Adora, tears welling in her eyes.
“I just missed you both so much and all I want to do is talk with you Adora, and be with you I’m sorry-”
Fresh tears rolled down Glimmers checks as she was cut off by Adora pulling her back into her bear huge, even tighter than before. “I missed you too Glimmer so so much,” Adora said as she ran her hand through Glimmers pink to purple hair. Glimmer breathing raggedly against her chest.
“Ofcoarse we can talk.”
They resided to sitting down right on the floor of Darla, leaning against the wall with their shoulders against one another. From where they sat they could see out the ships main windows, see the vast darkness of space illuminated by the tiny star lights.
“We’re really in space eh,” Glimmer awed looking out at those tiny flickering lights.
“Yeah we really are,” Adora answered with a small grin. Now that they were just sitting still Adora’s waves of nausea and anxiety made themselves painfully noticeable again. The pit in her stomach screaming for her attention. She bit the insides of her checks again while keeping her smile.
“It feels more real in this ship. On Horde Primes ship I barely got to look out any windows. It didn’t feel like space really, not like this.” Gimmer’s voice stifling at her own mention of Horde Prime.
“We don’t have to talk about Horde Primes ship if you don’t want to.” Adora said reassuringly, putting her hand on Glimmer’s knee. She turned her head slightly to smile gently at Glimmer as she pushed down the rising panic growing up from the pit of her stomach to her chest, demanding to be felt.
“Any thing you need Glimmer, okay? I know you’ve been through a lot-”
“I kind of want to talk about it though.” Glimmer said.
all I want to do is talk with you Adora.
“Okay we can talk about it, anything you need.” Adora reassured.
Glimmer looked away towards the windows again, pausing momentarily.
“Why did you come out here Adora? What’s wrong?” Glimmer said.
“What do you mean?” Adora asked shakily. Still smiling at Glimmer, she pushed down the anxiety ball bubbling and threatening to break free.
Glimmers eyes narrowed as she looked at Adora, “I know your upset, I heard you when you got out of bed and I saw you when I came in here.”
Adora let out a breath, looking straight ahead she said, “Don’t worry about me Glimmer I’m fine. I just want you to focus on-”
“Adora please just talk to me.”
“Really Glimmer I’m okay just let-”
“But I’m supposed to take care of you too!” Glimmer shouted, grabbing Adora’s hand that was on her knee.
Angella’s voice rang out through Adora’s head so loudly she swore Glimmer could hear it too. Probably because the same words pierced through Glimmers mind at the same time.
Take care of each other.
Adora squeezed Glimmer’s hand just a little tighter, she turned again looking into her friend’s eyes.
“So please Adora just, just let me take care of you okay? Talk to me” Glimmer said, eyes pleading with Adora again.
Watching Glimmer looking at her like that, broke something in Adora. Broke down her resolve, her ability to push down the shuddering waves, the panic bubble up higher. Until it would burst over the rims and spill out all through Adora’s being. A lump formed in the back of her throat.
“Okay.” Adora shuddered out, eyes closed. The wave ready to crest, the ball tethering, ready to drop.
“Is it about Catra?”
And the ball dropped.
More like it broke into pieces. The ball of anxiety crashing down in her chest. Overwhelming, all encompassing, like grief pumping out of her heart and flooding her arteries. The lump constricting her throat, tears wetting her checks as she let out a shaking exhale, trying to push the pain out of her chest with every breath.
Glimmer said something to her as she pulled Adora down and wrapped her arms around her from the side. Adora rest her head awkwardly on Glimmers shoulder as she sobbed.
“I’m sorry Glimmer,” Adora choked out between small sobs.
“Oh Adora you don’t have to apologize.” Glimmer soothed, her turn to run her hands through Adora’s hair while she embraced her. “You don’t have to apologize for anything,” She repeated.
With her eyes closed Adora tried to steady her breathing but the flashes of Catra had returned. She bit the insides of her checks again, feeling her teeth draw blood this time. The wave building up energy, getting ready to crest again. Adora shook her head, the grief and regret pumping through her entire body.
“Its okay to talk about it Adora, about her.” Glimmer softly reassured.
But talking about Catra had been a such a sore spot for so long. Adora had buried her complicated emotions and thoughts of Catra deep inside. Under a layer of hate and a blatant smothering thought that Catra was and would always be her enemy. She certainly hadn’t been pealing those layers back to feel and think her complicated Catra thoughts regularly, and she definitely hadn’t expressed them to her friends. But now those layers had been smashed apart by Catra herself, allowing the intense emotions to explode out of Adora like hot lava. And it felt like grief. Like all the pain and regret over the years had finally caught up to her, demanding to be felt.
Adora felt like she was drowning. She needed to know. She needed something to quell these intense emotions inside of her. She needed to understand what had gone on.
“Glimmer?” Adora questioned sitting up to look at her friend who gave her a slit nod. Adora leaned her head back against the wall. She steadied her breathing and wiped her tears out of her eyes.
“Can you tell me what happened with Catra on Primes ship?”
Glimmer looked at Adora, a soft expression on her face. She nodded taking a deep breath looking straight ahead.
“We both got brought up. I got put into um, a cell but Catra didn’t. But it really didn’t make a difference. We were both being held on that ship and I think she knew that.” Glimmer said. She glanced over at Adora, gauging the expression on her face.
Adora gave her a little nod and satisfied Glimmer continued, “She kept coming to visit me in my cell. At first I thought she just wanted to gloat and I was angry. I didn’t want to see her. But then I realized that she was scared too.”
Glimmer paused sparing another quick glance at Adora before continuing. A scowl forming on her face as she spoke.
“Then Horde Prime made us have this really creepy dinner with him. And he talked all about you and he had videos of you up on the monitor through the bots and I-.” Glimmer paused taking a deep breath and squeezing Adora’s hand a little tighter.
“And I was afraid Adora. And Catra was afraid.” Glimmer stated. “After that she kept coming back to my cell. Even after Prime threatened her to stay away from me. I think she was lonely and afraid, just like I was.” Glimmer said pulling her knees into her chest. Her hand still gripping Adora’s.
Glimmer glanced up at Adora, a soft, sad expression on her face. Her eyes bore into Adora’s momentarily, a soft understanding in her gaze.
“We talked, a lot actually. About you and home. She was nice, comforting if you can believe that. She even brought me a piece of cake,” Glimmer said gently. “I even think she tried to help me, right when we were brought onto the ship. Prime was threatening me, I thought he was going to kill me. But Catra jumped out and got him to stop. Told him I was valuable to him because of the heart of Etheria.”
Adora expression was blank, her mind was blank. She felt numb as she waited for Glimmer to continue. It was like she hadn’t fully absorbed everything, but she had heard Glimmers words, her tone, everything perfectly clear. It was like she was lagging in processing this new information. Processing was feeling, and right now Adora could only wait and listen. Sensing Adora’s distress Glimmer tentatively continued, glancing cautiously at Adora.
“She found out Horde Prime was trying to track your ship and she knew it was you guys coming to rescue me. At first we got into a fight and she left and I wasn’t sure what she was going to do-” Glimmer paused, breaking eye contact with Adora. She took a deep breath before speaking again.
“But then she broke me out of my cell. That’s when she told me she wanted to do one good thing in her life. We fought the clones in the hallway, and she brought me to this room and put me on the platform, it was the teleporter. She went over to the controls and that’s when I realized she was saving me”. Glimmer said staring straight ahead. She seemed far away, like the events were replaying themselves right before her eyes.
“Why didn’t she come with you?” Adora heard herself ask. Odd, she didn’t remember deciding to speak.
Glimmer focused on Adora with an apologetic expression on her face, almost guilty. Adora barely aware of any expression on her face at all just stared back at Glimmer.
Glimmer held Adora’s hand tight. “She couldn’t. she was using the controls for the teleporter and then all the clones rushed in and she was um fighting them.” Glimmer murmured, her voice fading in strength as she spoke.
Then firmly she stated, “The last thing I saw was all the clones surrounding her and getting her. Adora I’m so sorry there was nothing I could do, I’m sorry.”
Breaking at last Glimmer began to cry again and Adora pulled her close, one arm around her.
“She did save me Adora.” Glimmer sobbed in Adora. Adora held her close wrapping her other arm around her, allowing Glimmer to cry into the crook of her neck. Glimmer was soft and warm and here and holding her comforted Adora as much as it was comforting Glimmer.
Adora’s thoughts turned back to Catra, but the rising panic was gone. She had wanted, needed to know what had happened on Primes ship. But now that she knew, Adora just felt numb. The fiery grief that had flooded through her body had slowed and turned into a dull ache. Her head hurt, her eyes hurt, her heart hurt. She felt exhausted and a sensation of sinking. She had wanted to know but now, all she could feel was dread and guilt.
Adora didn’t say anything as she continued to hold Glimmer and stroke her hair. Glimmer eventually moved to look up at Adora but Adora glanced away out the windows so Glimmer wouldn’t see her face.
“Adora its okay to tell me how you feel. I mean it you can talk to me. I think… I’ll understand.” Glimmer stated firmly.
It was clear what they were discussing. Catra. Adora mostly kept her thoughts of Catra to herself the past while, not sharing with Bow or Glimmer. Adora’s history with Catra had almost become a taboo subject between the three of them. There hadn’t been any point in discussing it, and so Adora had let it sink so deep inside her, allowing those layers of hate to cover it all.
But now Glimmer wanted her to talk about it. Telling Adora she would listen and understand anything Adora needed to say. Adora felt the last of her own defenses break, leaving her fully at the mercy of herself. Everything, years of pain, repressed emotions, regret, and love flooded Adora and she began to cry.
“I just feel so bad.” Adora chocked out. Glimmer held her hand tight, looked up at Adora, letting her know she was listening, encouraging her to continue.
“She-” Adora began but paused closing her eyes.
It was so difficult to talk about Catra. Adora almost always immediately felt guilt bringing her up in any positive or pitying sort of way. After all that she had done to them, no one wanted to hear Adora pitying and defending Catra. But Glimmer had told her to try, and she needed to get it out before it consumed her more.
“I don’t want her to die on that ship Glimmer. She doesn’t deserve that.”
“No, she doesn’t.” Glimmer replied quickly and gently and Adora almost believed she meant it.
“She didn’t deserve so much of what happened to her. Her whole life growing up.” Adora stammered, breathing ragged and rough.
“Growing up in the Horde, Shadow Weaver. Fucking Shadow Weaver was so awful to her.” Adora cried. “She didn’t deserve it”.
It felt almost cathartic, crying for Catra, for these parts of Catra after all this time. Like it was okay and valid for Adora to feel this way. Like she didn’t have to hate herself for remembering those feelings for Catra, for that part of their life. She was crying about Catra but Adora was really crying for herself too.
“And I know its not an excuse for what she’s done-”
“Adora its okay. Its okay.” Glimmer reassured and Adora just wept.
“She was my best friend. I was supposed to protect her and I, I just left her there. I didn’t even try.” Adora whispered.
Glimmer opened her mouth to say something but quickly closed it again. Adora knew what she would say; that it wasn’t her fault, that Catra couldn’t be saved, that she made her choice. Adora had heard it all before and this was usually the point in the conversation that any understanding for Catra, or her and Adora, was lost.
But Glimmer stayed silent, allowing Adora to continue.
Adora was a little hesitant but she didn’t want to stop. “I could have tried so much harder to make her listen to me. I could have actually talked to her, told her the truth, made her listen to me before everything happened! And now…” Adora trailed off as her thoughts returned to Catra alone on that ship.
“And now even after everything she helped us. Helped me.” Adora said deflatingly.
Adora closed her eyes. She wanted to curl up into a ball. She wanted fold into herself into smaller and smaller pieced until she wasn’t there anymore. This pain, this grief, Adora didn’t know if she could bear it.
“I caused her so much pain when I left her.” Adora whispered eyes closed. “This could have been prevented I’m the reason this all happened-”
“No your not Adora, your not.” Glimmer intercepted, not allowing her friend to spiral any further down into her own self blame.
Again, it was Glimmers turn to pull Adora close to her as sobs really began to rack through her body. Adora cried into Glimmers lap finally letting it all break. She cried for all the love she had for Catra their entire childhood that she had buried inside herself. She cried for the regret she felt over all horrible things that had done to one another. She cried for not trying harder to force Catra to leave the Horde with her. She cried because in the end Catra tried to save her, to protect her. She cried because Catra said she was sorry, for everything.
“I don’t want her to die on that ship Glimmer,” Adora heaved.
“I know Adora, neither do I,” Glimmer answered, and this time Adora did believe her.
Suddenly the ship lurched forward as if they had hit something, both Adora and Glimmer were throne forward. They quickly got to their feet as Entrapta’s voice sounded out over the speakers.
“Ouuuu it seems we have begun to enter this planets atmosphere! Sorry for the bump the atmosphere is extremely dense but its nothing Darla can’t handle. We are on track to hit the planets surface in just under one hour so we should start suiting up HA.” And then she was gone.
The lurch of the ship shot a burst of adrenaline into both Adora and Glimmer. They were on their feet, no more tears visible, their conversation feeling far away suddenly.
But Glimmer reached over and pulled Adora into another firm huge. Adora returned the embrace, finding a remarkable amount of comfort in Glimmers arms once again. She was so grateful to have Glimmer back.
If only she could bring one other person home safe too…
“Thank you Glimmer, for letting me talk about her. For letting me talk about Catra like that.” Adora whispered to her.
“Ofcourse we can talk, Adora” Glimmer said. She pulled away to look up into Adora’s eyes. She fixed Adora with a firm look in her eye, as if she has resolved something, like she had solidified a decision.
“We can talk about everything from now on, okay? No secrets and no holding back I promise.” Glimmer declared. “we’ll take care of each other”.
Adora smiled down at Glimmer, “yes we will.”
Adora took a deep breath feeling her lungs expand. The pressure in her chest had subsided, the anxiety ball though still present (it wasn’t leaving as long as she knew Catra was on that ship) felt more like a mild whimper compared to the previous overwhelming explosion.
We will take care of each other.
Adora believed her.