It is ridiculous and funny at the same time how people never really get tired no matter how much they say they are. Repeating the same cycle, same routine, and same pain over and over again. And out of everything, Chaewon never gets tired of nursing over and over a broken someone. Stuck in reverse.
“Hey Min, where are you? I’m coming to pick you up, stay where you are, please?” Chaewon said as she hustled her way to her car, rushing to get to wherever Minju is at 2 am in the morning.
Chaewon has been through this exact situation for exactly seven times. The only difference is that she drives to a different destination every time. And what makes her do it all over again every single time?
Driving to downtown Seoul from her apartment would more or less take about 20 minutes, and in every minute that passes, a particular life gets broken more.
“Damn it, Yena! Please fucking pick up!” Chaewon hollered as she tried contacting the only person who won't judge her for what she is about to do. Her hold on the steering wheel keeps getting tighter and tighter every passing second. And the boiling feeling inside of her is uncontainable.
“Kang Hyewon, I swear to God, if I see your face anywhere or hear you breathe near me, I'll fucking kill you.” She whispered, almost inaudible.
Same situation for the same reason. And that’s no other than Kang Hyewon. Minju's first love. The cause of the two’s unending misery. The only person responsible for everything Minju is experiencing.
And honestly, Chaewon could've just let Minju be on her own. To stay away from the mess and from the pain. After all, she did all she could do to save her, over and over and over again. But the piercing pain in her heart whenever she shrugs Minju away won't let her live. All because of a stupid promise she sealed with a kiss during their prom.
“Chae, hey, look at me.” Minju said as she slowly shifted Chaewon’s face towards her, making both of their gaze lock at each other.
“Hmm? Yes Min?” Chaewon asked, as she tucked a piece of her hair at the back of Minju’s ear. Clearing her view of Minju’s beautiful and breathtaking face.
The several inches left in between them was never an issue. Maybe it was because they are well too used with each other's presence or all the times they became more than just best friends. The little space was their haven, their peace and bubble.
“Can you promise me something?” Minju averted her gaze to Chaewon’s lips then to her eyes again.
“Min, whatever it is, just tell me.”
“Please be there always to save and fix me.” Minju stated. Obviously aware how heavy the words she uttered is. Also ashamed that of all the people she could've asked, it was her best friend who she knew loves her more than just.
“Hey, look at me. Even if you didn’t ask me I would still. You know that right? Wherever you are, I’ll be there. And whatever happens, I’ll come running to save and fix you unlimited times.” Chaewon reassured the younger one as she engulfed her in a tight and warm embrace. Not minding the noisiness their world possesses. She kissed Minju’s forehead, running her hair through the bright pink strands. Inhaling the addicting sweet floral scent only Minju owns.
“Kim Minju, just remember that as long as you can see lights around you, I will be there. Okay? Now smile because Eunbi unnie won’t stop bugging us tonight if we don’t take a picture with her new film camera now!”
Chaewon knew that the moment she picked up the phone call, she was already entering a new but awfully familiar world. She knew that answering her call means fulfilling her promise. And she knew from the moment she uttered her name; she is going to come home pained and defeated.
Once again, she lost for all the crazy reasons.
Beep... beep... beep.
The distracting smell of flowers mixed with strong alcohol scent entered her senses. The awfully bright hallways, the eye-catching posters and the lonesome and eerie feel of standing in the middle of it. As she comes nearer and nearer the counter, she is slowly becoming aware of what she's about to encounter. Dreadfully familiar colors of their uniforms, the sound of machines beeping combined with scary cries and painful screams.
It was the last place she wanted to be especially in this state of misery, of vulnerability.
“Uhm, excuse me? I need to see where Kim Chaewon is?” Minju asked the lady at the desk. Careful not to let fear eat her.
The woman didn’t answer, instead she was ushered in one of the beds in the emergency room. There are way too many people surrounding that particular one. A nurse pumping the blood, a doctor giving CPR and a familiar face.
Minju froze in her spot, unable to process what she was seeing. It's all too much for someone avoiding the most possible scenario.
“No... no... it can't be her. That’s not Chaewon, unnie! She’s on her way to me, that’s not her.” Minju cried falling in her spot as she lost all the ability to stay still. Yena ran to her, embracing the younger one as she sobbed.
“Minju, it- it's Chaewon.” Yena managed to say though saying those words took up all the courage left in her heart.
Minju stood up as the hospital staff slowly dispersed, leaving the doctor and the nurse standing on the left side of the bed. She slowly walked to where Chaewon is, refusing to believe that the only person she wanted to see tonight is right in front of her lifeless.
“Unnie, unnie, come on wake up please! I'm here, we’re going home.” Minju said as she shook Chaewon, smiling as she told her the last line.
“Chae, it's not funny! Come on! Wake up... wake up... please.” Her heart knew yet her brain cannot accept it.
Her whole body is limping, becoming weaker and weaker as she realizes that once again, she is seven minutes late.
Seven minutes late from saving Chaewon.
A year later.
It’s almost Christmas just a few nights away. Minju has been waiting for this day to come for so long that now that it is near, all the emotion, the excitement and the regret is building up inside her.
Chaewon left this time last year. When the nights were brighter, the wind colder and the smiles wider. And indeed, when there is light, there is Chaewon. Because the more Minju chooses to see the light, the more she feels Chaewon’s presence around her. The only thing she wanted ever since that night.
Coping up was not easy, especially when the person you lost was the only reason you held on for so long. Chaewon was Minju’s only light. The only reason she ever wanted to break free from the pain. The only person she wanted to be fixed by. And now that she’s gone, she is back to square one. The process was painful and tiring. Getting used to doing all the things alone, the empty spot every time they walk home together and the lonely coffee mornings.
And right now, Minju is certain that Chaewon will eternally be the missing piece of the puzzle that is her life.
Minju’s phone lit up, she immediately checked who it was and with shock, she gasped, “Yena unnie?”
“Hey Min, I am not sure where you are right now but I hope you are fine. We miss you here, everyone does. But Wonyoung still cries herself to sleep whenever she sleeps in yours or Chae’s room. She misses you so much. And Min, you might want to check your email. Love you. Come back when you are ready, we’ll be waiting.”
And of course, it's another scheduled email from Chae.
“Merry Christmas, Minmin!
I am probably miles away from you right now... remember when I told you I was offered a high-paying job in LA? I most probably took the offer. I wish you're here though. Everything is better when I am with you. But it's alright, just make sure to have fun there in Seoul! Do not forget our Christmas tradition, alright? Send me pics please! And knowing how cheap and broke you are I already kept some money. Just open the drawer on my bedside table and buy Wonyoung some gift and ask her what she likes. And Yujin too! Make sure they have matching pajamas! Take the kids out to see the display. Promise me you will?
And lastly, as always, whenever there is light, there is Chaewon. I miss you so much, please take care of yourself. If she ever hurt you, call Yena or Eunbi unnie, okay? They know what to do. I'll see you soon, princess.
Smile for me, please?
Kim Minju, you know how much I suck with saying what I feel but one thing is for sure, you're my always. And I hope I am yours too.
I'll be waiting for you as long as I can.
I love you more than life itself.”
In all possible ways, Chaewon is still there to guide Minju home, as if she never left. And if angels really do exist, she’s most probably the one looking out for Minju right now.
“I miss you more tonight, Chae. Hug me tight please.”
Seven times. Seven minutes. Seven chances.
In all of those, Minju failed to be there for Chaewon.
The greatest regret was never not being there but not being able to tell her how much she loves her.
“In another life, I hope it’s still you.”