Feel it twice

Bora was laying in her bed under her chill blanket, switching from one side to the other, as she continuously looked over at the clock on the wall, it was close to 1:30 am. She sighed heavely in thought.

It was the beginning of fall and the air smelled of fruit and leafs. The season always had a special place in the brunette's heart, for her it represented new beginnings, as school always used to start at this time of the year; the feeling kinda stuck with her ever since.

Every other members had fallen asleep but there she was, wide awake, listening to the peaceful snores coming from the younger girl in the top bed of their bunk bed.

The traffic was lively outside even thought the time was long after midnight, she could see the light from the headlights go by one after the other in between the creeks of the blinds that messily covered the small window in their room. Good thing she had a curtain hanging over the bed so if needed she could just close it.

She honestly didn't understand how the younger could sleep with the lights peering through the blinds like that at night.

She stopped herself - of course she could - Yoohyeon could fall asleep anywhere. Bora chuckled at the thought, memories of her fellow member sleeping on the floor of their hair- and makeup booth came up in her head.

She sighed when she heard Yoohyeon kick in her sleep and a book fell off onto the floor with a loud thud, it made Bora swing her legs over the corner of the bed to sit up. She grabbed her hair and let out a long shaky breath.

The book had brought her back to reality again and her mind immediately back to the issue that made Bora's night sleepless.

Well, it wasn't the only night Bora couldn't sleep, the past few weeks had felt weird for the brunette. Something had changed and she didn't know how, she had woken up one morning, tired of her feelings, and things just didn't feel like they used to.

Bora sighed as she thought of Siyeon.

Every since she had layed her eyes on the slightly younger woman she had felt butterflies, like her world suddenly changed course and started to spin around the other girl. Like her world felt the need to collide with hers.

Everything the girl did effected Bora loudly and she had never felt so strongly for anyone before.

They debuted together, twice, but it wasn't until they debuted as dreamcatcher and their concept changed to the opposite of cute that Bora's longing just grew stronger. Siyeon was fitting into the darker concept as if her whole being was meant to be cool, mysterious and girl crush. It wasn't hard to find her even more attractive doing something she felt confident in doing.

Bora was known for her skinship with the members and was always inviting and teasing them but with Siyeon it always felt different, mostly due to her feelings, she always acted as she did with the others, hiding her blushing red cheeks and panic under a facade that she had built with the years.

Sometimes she was afraid that her wall wasn't strong enough and her gaze or blush slipped and became visible but when Siyeon never seemed to notice she always let it go, relieved and disappointed at the same time; even the fans had noticed...

Sometimes Bora wondered how Siyeon would react if she ever told her.

Memories came back to that one time it almost slipped...

-Flashback-

 "Bora! We're going to the dance studio, you coming?" Bora heard a voice on the opposite side of the door as she lay on her bed in her and Yoohyeon's shared room, she had been laying there the whole morning just swiping and watching clips on her phone,

and thinking; a lot.

Maybe if she was quiet enough the girl would think that she was asleep, but when she felt the presence of the girl still linger outside the door she sighed, and after a time of consideration she decided to answer the person on the other side; the group's leader, Kim Minji.

 "I'm staying home, I'm not in the mood." She answered and turned around - earning a creaky sound from the bed.

It was a silent pause.

 "Alright, eat something at least, we'll be back in a few hours." The leader spoke through the door and waited until she heard the girl hum in response. Bora heard the girl turn around and her footsteps interpreted that the she went to knock on another room. Most likely Gahyeon and Handong’s.

The reason why the brunette girl wasn't in the mood for something that she loved doing was due to the fact that she was sick.

Alright, not really sick... but lovesick.

She sighed again as she heard a familiar buttery voice talking to the other members outside the door and groaned when she heard a slight knock and the same voice even closer this time.

 "Are you sure you're feeling okay Bora?" She heard Siyeon's delicate voice speak to her through the door and she threw her hands over her face to avoid screaming out loud as the butterflies in her stomach flew around like they had taken the strongest espresso shots.

How could she move on from yesterday so quickly?

Bora sighed while thinking about the day before...

-Yesterday-

Every member screamed as Minji and Yoohyeon's lips touched, it was not the first time the members had touched lips but it was certainly the first time in front of a bunch of cameras and a crowd.

The older caught the pepero-stick in her hand as the younger freaked out from the sudden touch as she held a hand over her mouth to process the incident.

The members went to look at the short stick in Minji's hand and Bora suddenly became lightheaded. She remembered that she was paired up with Siyeon.

The room began to spin but she acted like everything was fine. She was used to do that by now after all.

She threw Siyeon a glance and confidently told her to make her way into the middle as they were given a pepero-stick. The clichéd romantic background music didn't even have the time to start playing before Bora went for it,

excited but also terrified,

her hand instinctively went up to grab Siyeon's head and tilted it to the side as the gap between them decreased in size and suddenly she felt her lips lightly touch the girl's soft ones gently.

She panicked; she remembered that they had a stick between them and cameras pointing at them from god knows how many angles, so she bit down quickly but only to find the texture wasn't bread...

They seperated quicker than lightling and everyone screamed, Bora couln't process what had just happened and her head spun like a ferris wheel as she covered her mouth.

Everything was a complete blur until Siyeon spoke up; telling them that Bora bit her lip and everyone lost it.

Bora couldn't believe that just happened as they all found their seats again, she felt a blush creep over her face as she tried to remember the incident piece by piece but everything happened so fast...

Too fast...

She couldn't help but wanting to do it again.

Later that day the members found themselvs all sitting in Minji, Yubin and Bora's room; talking about the pepero-game and laughing.

Bora couldn't keep the color on her face from spreading over her cheeks as the members joked about how the older had actually bit her younger member's lip.

Bora looked over at Siyeon who laughed and seemed to enjoy herself, the older did too but there was something that was making her sad.

Bora sighed as her eyes went to the younger's lips for a split second before standing up and excusing herself to the bathroom.

She felt a tear escape her eye and wiped it away quickly. This wasn't how she had imagined kissing Siyeon, and on that she had accidentally hurt her in the process.

Even though... she wanted to do it again...

Bora was conflicted, she didn't want to be in love with her member, she didn't want to be in love with someone she had no chance with. She didn't want to be in love with someone that didn't love her back...

Love is beautiful and kind but it can also be the loneliest place if you fall alone.

She let another tear fall and this time she watched as it hit the sink. She followed it run over the white porcelain and into the drain. How she wished her feeling could go with it...

Suddenly she heard a soft knock on the door that caught her attention.

 "Bora? Are you okay?" She heard Siyeon's worried voice outside the bathroom. Bora sighed and grabbed the sides of the sink hard until she had collected herself enough.

She slowly went to unlock the door and before she even had the chance to come out and tell her that she was okay and that they could go back; Siyeon blocked the opening with her body and forced Bora to reverse into the bathroom again.

She could see the worry on the younger girl's face as she studied her older member closely.

 "I'm sorry... I can see how weirded out you are after what happened today..." Siyeon started and looked down on her feet and Bora's heart ached, that wasn't at all how she felt.

Bora wanted to reach out for the girl in front of her, to pull her in for a hug but due to the tension she didn't dare to do that... until she saw a small wound on her bottom lip.

She did that...

Bora didn't think twice before reaching up to hold the girl's yaw to get a better look, guilt washing over her body.

 "No Siyeon, I'm the one who's sorry." She started and Siyeon looked the older in the eyes which made Bora look back to the wound and cursing to herself for not being able to hold eye contact for longer than a second.

Bora mindlessly traced the younger's lip in thought, until she realized that the younger girl was staring down at her. Bora felt her heart take a leap and she gulped at how close they were standing.

 "D-does it hurt?" Bora let out quietly and Siyeon shook her head to assure her that it didn't.

Siyeon chuckled as she seemed to realize something.

 "I'll never be able to wash my face without thinking of you though" She mischiveously joked to lighten the mood a little.

Bora's eyes widened and her cheeks felt hot, she looked down to hide the beaming red color on her cheeks and slapped the taller girl's arm lightly.

 "Well I will always remember what your lips taste like" Bora attempted to joke back but failed miserably, she didn't know were the sudden beam of confidence came from but as quickly as it came it went away and she realized what she just said.

"I-I mean... I-" she stuttered embarrassed but she could see the taller girl's mouth turn into a smug smile and chuckled at the older girl's nervousness, the younger almost looked a little... cocky?

 "And what is that?" Siyeon suddenly said and stepped closer to the brunette. The change of mood in the girl confused the older as Siyeon closed the distance between them - little by little - until Bora felt her back hit the cold bathroom wall with a thud, a gasp escaping her lips.

Bora didn't know what was happening, she was used to flirting, she did it all the time but not alone with the one that she had a huge crush on, it made her nervous and the fact that she could almost feel Siyeon's breath on her face made her weak in the knees.

What was happening... This wasn't like Siyeon at all.

Bora gulped hard as she looked into the taller's deep eyes after some sort of clarification that she was just messing with her.

But Siyeon held her gaze steady on her face, raising an eyebrow with the same hint of mischieve as before, supposedly waiting for an answer from the shorter girl that felt smaller than ever trying to figure her out before making a move she'll regret later...

Bora didn't even know why but under the gaze of the taller she opened her mouth without thinking.

 "N-nice. They tasted, really nice..." She answered - captivated by the girl’s gaze - and met her eyes again but this time she couldn't tear her eyes away as she felt shivers down her spine and her knees wobbled lightly as the taller girl's lips parted while looking intensely at Bora, who felt lightheaded all of a sudden, like she would pass out any second.

The taller girl leaned in and Bora's eyes widened as she watched Siyeon bend down, not taking her eyes away from her lips.

Bora didn't know what was happening but just instinctively closed her eyes. Siyeon's scent enchanted the older girl, making her stomach flip and she was suddenly met by a hot breath tickling her lips.

 "Do it again Bora..." Siyeon begged and placed a hand behind Bora's neck, gently tugging on her soft skin, wanting Bora to take the last step; which she did softly, closing the distance between them until their lips touched in bliss.

Bora felt the butterflies going wild in her stomach and she gently placed a hand on the taller girl's hip to keep herself from falling apart and brought the girl closer in the process; making her hum against her lips.

The brunette felt two hands cupping her face but before she could deepen the kiss Siyeon gently took a step back.

Bora opened her eyes and frowned when she saw Siyeon looking down and slowly replaced her hands from Bora's face.

 "I don't know why I did that..." She said and touched her lips in thought, she looked up at Bora again that looked at her confused,

 "I'm sorry Bora, this won't make things weird right?" The taller girl sounded a little scared which made Bora sigh, she knew this had been too good to be true.

 "Bora...?" Siyeon pushed, almost pleaded, as she didn't get an answer and Bora collected herself quickly by taking a deep breath, looking up at the girl.

Back in her facade.

 "Of course not, these things happens right?" Bora tried to joke a little to make the taller girl a little more comfortable - and to brush off her own disappointment - which she did because the younger breathed out in relief.

 "Right?" Siyeon said and chuckled,

 "I guess I just got confused from the pepero-game..." Sieyon looked thoughtful again as she gently bit her lip and looked at Bora again with an apologetic look.

 "So we're okay?" She asked again to be sure because she could see that the older looked a little tense.

Bora nodded.

 "We’re okay Siyeon, don’t worry." She said and went in to hug the taller girl; to break the lingering weird tension. But she shouldn't have done that because she felt Siyeon's muscles tighten in her embrace, so she released the younger girl and mumbled to herself before walking past her and out of the bathroom.

Yeah right, we're okay my ass ... 

-Back to the other day-

Bora sighed and stood up harshly - making the bed creak loudly - messaging that she was on her way.

She couldn't show Siyeon that she was still upset from yesterday so she decided to just act as she always did, and she certainly didn't want Siyeon to feel bad either.

She grabbed her backpack with her dance clothes that she always had near and opened the door to signal that she was ready to come with.

She earned a smile from her members as she appeared in the doorway. She immediately locked eyes with Siyeon, who had a slight furrow on her face.

She looked slightly nervous so Bora gave her a reasuring smile, as though she wasn't screaming inside, and passed her to join the other members in the hallway.

-End of flashback-

Bora laughed to heself, how could she have been so stupid.

All she had done was care about Siyeon and now when she finally woken up from her unrealistic dream she felt so good but at the same time so extremely sad.

Sad in an empty kind of way...

She missed having someone to care for, but again she remembered, she cared for someone that didn't care for her, and she felt better knowing that she was over her.

Memories flew by to times that was so special to Bora but seemed to mean nothing to Siyeon...

- - -

Like Bora was awake Siyeon was also shifting in her bed, thinking, probably just as much as the older girl.

She couldn't shake off the feeling of Bora distancing from her lately, it didn't make her feel good, she missed the girl effortlessly hugging her and just being close to her i general.

Siyeon never admitted this but she have always had a crush on the older member; from the first time they locked eyes from across the studio in their early trainee days.

She remembered it clear as day, she had caught the girl staring at her and they immediately locked eyes. She remembered the tingeling feeling in her stomach as they didn't break the contact before she had shot the brunette a smile, making her blush.

Siyeon had giggled at the girl's shyness and felt her cheeks burn on her own face too.

The memory faded as she was back in reality; the new reality were Kim Bora was avoiding her in.

Suddenly she wanted to dream back but her heart ached too much and she felt a sob escape through her throath so she quickly covered her mouth so she wouldn't wake up the other two sleeping members.

By the thought of waking someone up her mind went effortlessly to the one time someone woke her up...

-Flashback-

Siyeon woke up to someone accidentally taking pictures with sound on followed by a silent “shit”.

The members had been given a trip to a little cabin in the woods to bond more after their second comeback, all of the girls were sleeping on a bunch of mattresses on the floor right beside a fireplace so the room was cozy as they snuggled against each other after already having spent two of their three days there.

They had enjoyed every moment of their last night learning new things about each other. They had been on v-live everyday talking to their fans - their everything - and fallen asleep after talking and eating snacks infront of the fireplace.

Siyeon sat up to see Bora looking out of the big glass window that covered the whole cabin wall on one side of the room.

She watched as Bora consentrated on something outside, she realized that she was looking at the stars.

Siyeon couldn't help but admire the older girl. Even though Minji was the leader of the group Siyeon knew that Bora felt responsible too because she was the same age as the leader making her feel like she kind of needed to be a type of leader too for the younger members.

Siyeon thought about going back to bed to not interupt the older in her thoughts but just as she was about to lay down she relized she that the older girl just noticed her and turned to meet her gaze.

 "Siyeon..." She said quietly, surprised to see the younger girl awake, and looking at her...

 "I'm sorry if I woke you up." She apologized and Siyeon could see that she mentally scolded herself for doing so.

The younger carefully climbed out from under her covers and made her way over a sleeping Gahyeon and Handong, making sure not to step on them as their limbs where everywhere under the thick covers. Quickly she made her way over to the brunette who was watching her every move with a soft smile.

As she reached her sitting on the small sofa closest to the window she took a seat next to her.

 "Couldn't sleep?" Siyeon asked as s conversation started even though she obviously already knew the answer and Bora chuckled lightly and shrugged,

 "No." She answered softly and moved her gaze back to the stars. Thoughtfully the older girl studied them closely before speaking up again but still in her own world, so Siyeon took her time to take in the beautiful girl's profile.

 "It's beautiful, right?" Bora said and turned back to look at Siyeon expectantly and met her longing gaze.

Siyeon just smiled and nodded, beautiful indeed...

The girls looked at the stars again. It was peaceful. The only sound was from the fire that was almost out in the fireplace - spitting small sparks of fire ever now and then - and the sound from their members soft breathing.

Siyeon wished that time could just freze right in this moment, she closed her eyes and breathed in to capture the feeling of peace that calmed her body.

She was happy that they had been gived the chance to go here over the weekend, tomorrow they would go back home to everything again.

She sighed and opened her eyes again and as she did so she was met by two eyes looking at her intensly.

She suddenly felt nervous under Bora's gaze, she couldn't help her eyes to travel to every part of the girl's face.

She was flawless, not a single thing on her face wasn't attractive, her eyes, her nose, her lips...

She wondered how it would be to ever kiss those lips...

She looked away when she realized that she had been looking for way too long and seeing Bora turn her head too in the corner of her eyes.

She was thankful that the older girl didn't notice.

Siyeon had made a promise to herself to never acknowlegde her feelings towards the older girl, it would be too risky and she didn't want the girl to ever suffer because of her...

Siyeon was fine by looking and admiring Bora from afar; like she was her own beautiful star, the polar star, the brighest of them all.

-End of flashback-

Siyeon was brought back to reality when she heard a glass break in the kitchen followed by a muffled “shit”.

She knew from that sound that it was Bora.

Siyeon began to stress tap her fingertips onto the mattress as her foot started to shake restlessly and before she knew it she was making her way out of the room and straight into the kitchen where Bora was crouchung down and picking up pieces of glass while muttering to herself.

Luckily the glass had only broken into bigger pieces so they were easy to pick up.

As she finished cleaning up the older noticed a pair of feet in front of her, making her let out a surprised gasp and stood up quickly to see who it was - and when she did she just let out a small “oh”...

Siyeon felt herself getting annoyed as she watched as Bora turned around - minding her own business - literally ignoring the taller girl’s presence.

No, that was it, the upset girl couldn't take this anymore.

 "Why are you ignoring me?" She was meant to sound strong but failed miserbly as her voice shrunk and cracked with the emotion filled words that she had been wanting to ask for weeks.

Bora froze, with her back facing the other girl she felt her heart stop beating in her chest. This was the discussion she never really wanted to have; but here she was...

Bora turned on the water, trying to act cool as she poured herself a new glass.

She was suddenly taken by surprise as she felt a hand turn her around harshly and closing the tap, the room fell into silence.

Siyeon felt tears threatening to fall as she looked at the older girl who was staring at her in chock.

 "Answer me Bora." Siyeon commanded in anger and frustration.

 "Why have you been ignoring me?" She asked again and saw the older girl take a step back. Bora took a deep breath, prepearing for something she wished that she would have done years ago...

 "I'm not ignoring you..." Bora started, not knowing how she was going to tell her band member that she had a crush on her this whole time and are now finally over her because it hurt too much knowing it was one sided.

Siyeon just snorted at her in disbelief. She didn't believe her and neither let her finish her explanation.

 "You are Bora! You haven't talked to me for weeks!" She said in frustration,

 "In front of the cameras are the only times you even look at me nowadays... and I'm just wondering what I did to you for making you hate me so much..."

Now there were tears rolling down her cheeks as her eyes pleaded for some sort of reaction, an answear, from the shorter girl that was now looking at her with a frown.

 "Why do you even care Siyeon?" She said in a low voice and tried to step aside but the taller girl grabbed her shoulders and slammed her into the fridge - making the bottles in it clinker together as it shook from the collidation.

Bora cursed to herself between gritted her teeth but just as she was about to open her mouth she felt a pair of lips clashing onto her's as she was pressed harder against the cold surface.

She felt Siyeon's hands roam her body and she couldn't help a gasp to escape her lips as she was pushed even further onto the fridge, making it shake again.

A few years ago, months even, Bora would've passed out and thanking all the gods, the universe, everything, for making this happen but this wasn't it.

Not like this.

Bora pushed Siyeon away by her shoulders to make space between them.

 "You don't know how long I've waited for you to do that..." Bora said quietly earning a now confused look from Siyeon who backed away sligtly to let the brunette breath.

Bora looked into her eyes and felt the same pain that she had felt for all those years, the loneliness of falling in love, alone, with no one to catch you.

She saw that in Siyeon's eyes now. Bora had to look away, it was too much.

 "What..." Siyeon said bluntly.

 "You have?" She frowned. But deep inside, she somehow already knew... Bora nodded and had to look around to avoid looking at her.


 "But..." She started as she felt Siyeons eyes burn into her profile.

 "Not anymore..." She finished and looked at Siyeon again to show her that she really meant that.

If it was possible to hear a heart break Bora could swear that she heard the younger girl's heart break into millions of pieces.

Bora couldn't look at her anymore because she felt tears form in her eyes as she saw Siyeon's eyes now drained, almost empty.

Bora's heart ached for the girl infront of her as her body began to tremble. Siyeon's eyes were now filled with tears as the shorter girl's words slowly melted in her head.

Bora felt herself forming fists with her hands to hold herself from not breaking down and cry too, it wasn't fair to Siyeon, she had no right to.

Bora had never felt this pain before, seeing the girl that had once been the love of her life now shattered in pieces in front of her.

She had to look away again, look at anything.

She didn't know what was worst, getting broken or making it break... because either way, it hurt.

It hurt to hurt and hurt getting hurt, there was no escaping this pain.

 "Siyeon... I'm sorry." Bora tried weakly but the girl infront of her just shook her head.

 "When... When did y-you f-fall out of... l-love with me?" She asked between sobs and Bora sighed, she didn't want to make it worse by saying a couple of weeks, because the girl would never forgive herself for being just too late...

 "It doesen't matter Siye-" The younger interupted her mid sentence.

 "It does. Please Bora..." She cried out and tried to reach for the older girl's hand but Bora purposely moved them away, making Siyeon beg her again.

 "I wish you had felt how you're feeling years ago..." She said and looked down earning a silence to wash over the room. It was too quiet.

Too quiet for this situation.

Bora looked up and saw Siyeon looking at her like she had just realized something that could change how she view the entire world.

She said something so quietly under her breath, ever so softly, that Bora didn't hear her - like she almost didn't hear it herself.

 "Siyeon, what did you say?" The older girl asked and furrowed her eyebrows, wanting to know why something just dropped inside of the girl infront of her.

Siyeon felt herself grabbing and leaning onto the island in the kitchen as her breath stuck in her throat. Her realization being too much for her.

 "Siyeon?" Bora couldn't help but feel concerned and reached for the girl to help her steady onto the counter.

 "I-" She started and looked up at Bora with a tear rolling down her cheek.

She suddenly smiled, which scared Bora as she continued to caress the girl's arm soothingly up and down.

She wasn't prepeard for what the younger girl would say next...

 "I did." She said while the tear rolled over the side of her lip.

Bora was in chock. She stopped caressing the girl's arm and just froze.

She felt as though every moment had led to this one right here; the two of them crying in the kitchen with broken hearts.

 "You were my star." Siyeon said and Bora really broke down for the first time that night. She slid to the floor, remembering how Siyeon always had the picture of a polar star as her lockscreen for years...

Tears were flooding out of the shorter girl's eyes and she felt a pair of arms wrap around her, holding her as tightly as humanly possible. She looked up at the girl hugging her through puffy eyes.

Her heart ached.

It all came back to her...

 "I don't k-know if i can do it..." Bora said as her sobs calmed down, still in Siyeon’s arms. The girl was holding her securely while she stroke the her messy hair behind her ear and cuppd her face.

 "Do what?" The younger girl asked her desperately while looking into her eyes deeply.

 "This... everything... I-" Bora took a deep breath and looked sincerely into Siyeons eyes and cried out.

 "I-I don't know if i can feel it twice... it’s more than I can take." Bora's voice was cracking up but she had to say it, begging the younger girl to understand what she was trying to say. She was scared. She wanted to so badly but the pain it could inflict was too scary... too much for her...

Siyeon closed her eyes and lowered her head.

 "I love you..."

Siyeon let out, almost like a whisper.

Bora immediately stopped crying and looked at Siyeon with her lips parted and eyes wide.

Did she jus- 

 "I love you, Kim Bora. I always have and always will." Siyeon said again, a little louder and looking deep into her eyes as if she wasn't just assuring her, but her soul too.

That she's not at all alone and that she never has been.

Bora just looked att Siyeon for a few seconds before pulling her in for a desperate kiss.

She felt the taste of salt on her lips which could be from either one of them as they were holding onto each other as if it was the only thing that gave them life.

Bora slightly turned her head to deepen the kiss and suddenly her heart took a familiar leap in her chest and it was like her heart didn't beat before this moment, Siyeon smiled into the kiss as if her heart just did the same thing.

They broke the kiss but lingered only an inch from each other's faces and Bora rested her forehed on Siyeon's as the younger slightly brushed their noses together - earning a giggle from the older who was now smiling ever so brightly.

Bora pulled away a little, still close to the other girl, as if she was afraid that she would go up in smoke if she moved back too far.

 "I love you too, Lee Siyeon." She said with all of her heart making Siyeon smile widely.

They leaned in again and this time melted into the kiss as it deepened as soon as their lips met.

The butterflies and fireworks were nothing compared to what they were feeling now, all the stars in the world coud be seen behind their closed eyelids as their lips moved against each other in sync. As if they just went to another world, another dimension, where only they exist.

The end!