“I’m sorry,” and before she could stop them, tears started flowing out of Sooyoung’s eyes. “I saved up so much, but I couldn’t get the ring you wanted,” another sob, “I’m so sorry”.
Jinsol took her hands, caressing them as softly as ever, worry painted over her features.
“Sooyoung, what are you saying? Why are you crying, baby?” She asked, squeezing her girlfriend's hand. Sooyoung looked up at her, eyes red and tears streaming freely down her cheeks and onto her clothes. She sniffed twice, her chin trembling uncontrollably.
“Tomorrow is your birthday a-and I wanted to buy the ring you liked, b-but I couldn't afford it no matter how much money I saved up, and now I don’t have anything to give you and--” Sooyoung’s voice broke into a sobbing mess, her hands shot up to cover her mouth on reflex. She was used to crying quietly under her sheets while the city was asleep, while her father was asleep. Keep it in, Sooyoung, he always said, keep it in until you crumble. And she was crumbling now, because Jinsol had been the first person to ever really care about her, to ever love her. She was the one who suggested she’d go to therapy, and the one who was always there with her arms open to wrap Sooyoung in her embrace after any hard session. And stupid ungrateful Sooyoung couldn’t even pay her back, a little voice inside her whispered. She couldn’t even look Jinsol into her eyes, she felt disgusted at herself for even talking about it, because now Jinsol would’ve thought Sooyoung was just trying to make the blonde pity her. She will tell you you’re worthless and leave you, the little voice spat out, laced in venomous hate, did you even try to save up for that ring? it continued. I did, I did, I did… but did she really? Sooyoung was sure she could’ve done better, she had to.
“Is that why you’re crying?” Jinsol asked in a whisper, looking sadly at their intertwined hands. Sooyoung nodded slowly, ready for the blow. The blonde giggled fondly. “Oh, Sooyoung… what will I ever do with you?” She said with a small smile. The girl looked at her in confusion, why was Jinsol laughing?
“Aren’t you... mad at me?” She replied between choked up sobs. Jinsol let go of her hands and pushed her closer to her chest instead, wrapping her in her loving arms.
“Listen dummy, I’m only gonna say this once so pay attention: I don’t care about that ring, I don’t want it. I only want you”.
“But--”
“You, you, you, you, you… I want to wake up to your face every morning, I want to bake cookies with you and make a mess, I want to hold your hand during a scary movie, I want to see you smile when you think no one is looking, I want to kiss you under the stars until we’re breathless. I want you, Ha Sooyoung, not a ring, not anyone else, just you”. Jinsoul continued, running her hand through Sooyoung's hair, caressing her back with gentle strokes, careful not to hurt her where her scars were, kissing the top of her hand. She was crying too now, feeling guilty at herself for making her girlfriend go through so much pain without even noticing. Sooyoung wrapped her arms around Jinsol, almost desperately, afraid to see her slip away.
“I’m sorry”, she repeated, her voice muffled by Jinsol’s sweater.
“Why are you apologizing now, baby? You did nothing wrong. Hey, look at me”, the blonde said. Sooyoung did as she was told. Her face was probably a mess in that moment, but she didn’t care, because Jinsol was looking at her with the utmost love and care in her eyes.
“I will always be here for you, I’m not gonna leave you, Sooyoung,” she said. And Sooyoung wanted to believe her, but she couldn’t, she couldn't…
“Why? Why are you staying? I don’t deserve it... I don’t deserve you. You’re always here for me and I--” Those words were like a stab to the stomach to Jinsol.
“Because I love you, Sooyoung, I love you more than words can say, and seeing you like this… hearing you say you’re not deserving of love, it hurts. You are so amazing, Soo, you’re smart and beautiful and funny, and most importantly you are you, Sooyoung, and you’re the love of my life. You deserve to love and you deserve to be loved, I don’t want anything back for caring about you. You are enough, don’t ever let anyone tell you you’re not, okay?” Jinsoul could feel the girl shake in her arms. Sooyoung was hurting because some people had told her all her life that she was worthless, useless, a burden, because she still had scars all over body caused by those people, because she was so used to having her heart ripped apart by the same people who were supposed to love her and protect her that she was convinced she was undeserving of that love. Jinsol rested her head on Sooyoung’s neck, smelling her faint violet scent to calm herself down. Sooyoung’s breathing eventually got slower, her heartbeat synced up with Jinsol’s. Only then the blonde allowed herself to relax, taking in a deep breath before letting out a quiet laugh. Sooyoung hummed in confusion, looking up at her with her still glossy eyes.
“I’m sorry for laughing, but this situation is just so funny to me, like not the part where we were both crying and stuff, but…” Jinsol stopped herself from rambling and put some distance between herself and her girlfriend.
“About the ring… I didn’t want that ring in particular, nor any other ring, it was more like a metaphorical thing,” She said with a nervous smile, playing with the hem of her sweater. Sooyoung furrowed her eyebrows.
“What are you talking about?” She asked. Jinsol took a deep breath and looked into her eyes, a serious expression on her face.
“I want to marry you Sooyoung”. It took a couple of seconds for Sooyoung to fully understand those words, and when she did it felt like everything else crumbled down and disappeared, who cared about the little voice, and about all the people who hurt her, and about that stupid ring? Jinsol was asking her to marry her… Jinsol was asking her to marry her.
“Y-you- are you serious?! you’re not joking, right?” The blonde giggled at the way Sooyoung shot up from the bed, her eyes filling with tears again, happy ones this time.
“I’m not joking, I want to spend all of my life with you”
“You promise?”
“I promise”
“Really?”
“I will get on my knees and propose properly if you want me to! I don’t have the ring, but…” Jinsol got up from the bed and dusted off her clothes, trying her best to keep a serious face on. She got on one knee and cleared her voice.
“Ha Sooyoung, I love you with all my heart and I promise to always do so for the rest of my life. Will you marry me?” She asked timidly, a radiant smile on her lips. Sooyoung jumped into her arms.
“Yes, yes! I love you too, Jinsol, I love you so much,” she screamed with the widest smile Jinsol had ever seen her wear. She took Sooyoung’s head between her hands and kissed her softly on her lips, on her eyes, on her cheeks, and on her hands. Her girlfriend let herself drown in Jinsol’s touch and kisses, feeling her heart fill with a new sensation. She was happy. For the first time in a long time, maybe forever, she was really happy. She wanted to shout at the top of her lungs and tell the world how much she loved Jinsol, even though she had so much to say that it would’ve taken her whole life. Not that it was a problem, she had time to say all those things to her own little world, right in front of her, for the rest of her life.
“I love you Jinsol, I love you with all my heart,” she said softly, her head buried in the blonde’s neck. She closed her eyes, and eventually her breathing got slower until she was asleep in Jinsol’s arms, her lover, her safe place, her home.