It starts with his best friend falling in love. It ends the day his best friend gets married. Between all of that were days of tears, laughter, heartbreak, first loves, crushes and everything in between. Keith still isn’t sure how it ended the way it did, but he definitely remembers how it started.
Then: November 2017Three Years Ago
Lance is sitting across from Keith at the small coffee shop fiddling with some packets of sugar, “I think I’m going to ask Jenny to marry me.”
Keith’s head shot up, eyes wide in disbelief, “You’re gonna what?”
Lance was staring intently at the napkin he now held in his hand and shredding it in pieces. It was a nervous habit that Lance had, constantly needing something to do with his hands. He nodded, “I bought a ring and everything. I even sat down the other day and talked to her parents.”
Keith saved the photos he was editing and pushed his laptop to the side, “So how did that go?”
Lance grinned, “It was good. They were happy. Mrs. Shaybon even teared up a bit, told me that she could see how happy I made her daughter.”
Keith felt hollow inside. He was happy for Lance but he knew it came at a price. He swallowed down the bitter pill of disappointment and the small flicker of hope he had held on to for years, “Any idea how you’re gonna pop the question?”
Lance’s face lit up, “I was thinking about having that pavilion where we first kissed decorated with fairy lights and…..”
Keith lost the thread of the conversation as he watched his best friend of twenty something years describe in animated detail how he was going to propose to his girlfriend of five plus years. He took in every detail of his face, how his blue eyes sparkled with so much love, how his smile became so soft, how all of his words were laced with affection.
Keith knew that face, every freckle, every fleck of green that turned those ocean blue eyes to a stunning blue green when he was happy, every unruly curl in that head of hair. He knew all of Lance’s smiles, the fake ones, the real ones, the ones that hid his broken heart, and all the ones in between. He knew all of Lance’s moods, all of his disgusting habits like eating peanut butter straight out of the jar using only his fingers, and he knew his entire facial cleansing routine for the morning and the night time. With every word Lance spoke, Keith felt something inside break. It was something he knew he would have to face one day, he just thought he had more time to prepare, more time to allow himself to build up his defenses. Instead he sat and listened to his best friend tell him about the love of his life while Keith felt his own heart crumble into a million pieces.
There’s a notification ping from Keith’s cell phone and he curses. “Shit Lance, I gotta go. My lunch break is over.”
Keith grabs his laptop and shoves it in his messenger bag then gathers up his empty cup and used napkins to toss in the trash. He’s only made it about two steps when he feels a hand grab his wrist. He turns to see Lance giving him a serious look, “Hey um, so I just wanted to tell you thanks.”
Keith tilts his head in confusion, “For what?”
Lance just shrugs, “For being you, my best friend. For just always being there for me. And I want you there at my wedding, as my best man.”
Keith feels the last remnants of his heart turn to dust. He wants to tell Lance no, that he can’t do it. He wants to tell him that his heart isn’t in it, that he can’t watch his best friend marry….he can’t watch Lance marry someone that isn’t him. But all he manages is a strangled whisper of his best friend’s name, “Lance.”
Lance’s eyes are desperate and pleading. The grip on Keith’s wrist has tightened, but not to the point of being painful. Lance’s own voice is uncharacteristically quieter than normal, “Please Keith. Just say yes. Say you’ll be my best man because I need you there.”
And who is Keith to deny Lance anything? So of course he does the only thing he can do. He nods and lets Lance pull him into a hug. He wraps his own arms around broad shoulders and squeezes his eyes shut hoping that the tears threatening to fall just stay put a little longer. He says the only thing he could ever say when Lance asked him, “Of course I’ll be your best man.”
Keith pulls back and gives Lance the best smile he can muster, “I gotta go. We’ll talk later.”
He walks out the door and ducks his head bracing against the chilly November air. He gets in his car and drives all the way to work but he doesn’t go inside. Instead he sends a text telling his boss that something unexpected came up and he won’t be in for the rest of the day but he continues to sit in the parking lot hands gripping the steering wheel, body shaking with sobs he tried to fight against, and head bent as tears run hot down his cheeks finally letting the heartbreak of knowing the person he loves the most doesn’t love him the same in return and never will. It’s the realization that someone else is going to learn all of Lance’s quirks, someone else is going to wake up every morning and know what it’s like to see a sleep rumpled Lance and have soft good morning kisses.
Two hours later far from the busy city of Knoxville and Keith is knocking on the door of a cozy house in the rolling hills of Tennessee. He’s got a bag in his hand with several days of clothes and his eyes are red and puffy. The door opens and Keith is greeted by his brother’s husband and he must look really bad because Adam stumbles forward and grips Keith’s shoulders worry filling his eyes as he takes in his brother in law, “Keith? Are you okay?”
Keith ducks his head and scrubs at his eyes, “Um, do you think I could maybe stay with you and Shiro for a few days?”
Adam gives Keith a calculating stare, but he must see something in Keith’s face that causes him concern because he takes Keith’s bag and leads him to one of the spare rooms, “Shiro will be home in a couple of hours. Does he know you were coming?”
Keith shakes his head, “No. I’m sorry I didn’t call.”
Adam lets out a sigh, “We’ll talk about it when Shiro gets home.”
Now: Seven and a half months before the wedding
Keith is currently scowling at his reflection in a large full length mirror. He feels uncomfortable in the stiff pants and starched button down shirt and he’s glaring at the girl trying to pin his pants at the right length. He’s also shooting daggers at Marco who teases Keith about not being cultured enough to pull off a suit. Keith really can’t argue because even for work he only dresses in jeans and an occasional worn out button down given to him by either Shiro or Lance. But he watches as all of Lance’s other groomsmen are able to look comfortable trying on different tuxes and suits. Hunk and Luis are sitting in some chairs with bowties hanging carelessly around their necks and comparing recipes, Marco leaves Keith alone long enough to help Sylvio with a cumber bund and shoes, Rachel’s husband Jason and another of Lance’s friend from college (Keith thinks his name is Ryan) are laughing at something on a phone. Keith lets out a long sigh when one of the dressing room doors opens and Lance is standing there, his hair intentionally messy and brushing his hand down a well fitted suit. The color is dark gray and the vest and tie are a deep burgundy. He has on shiny black shoes and Keith feels his mouth go dry.
Lance has always been attractive, but staring at him in that suit and Keith feels his whole world spin out of control. He wants to run out that small shop and throw a fit about how life is unfair because it should be him that Lance is marrying. He wants to grab Lance by the shoulders and tell him he’s ruining Keith’s life, he’s breaking his best friend’s heart, he’s too good for someone like Jenny Shaybon. But Keith knows the hard truth is that Lance is really just too good for someone like him. So when Lance searches and finally spies Keith he stands in front of his best friend and brushes imaginary dust from Lance’s shoulders and gives him his best smile. He gives Lance a couple of pats to the cheek, “Well you look almost as good as I do now.”
Lance tilts his head back and barks out a laugh, “Good to know I pass the best man’s inspection.”
Keith just shakes his head at Lance’s antics but his voice is far too fond when he tells Lance, “You always do.”
Lance gives him a curious look but before he can call out Keith on it they are interrupted when Sylvio tugs on Lance’s jacket, “Tio Lance, do I really have to carry this for your wedding?”
This time it’s Keith’s turn to laugh as this turns out to be a frilly white pillow with two fake rings sewn on, “Please tell me you are not making him carry that?”
Lance rubs the back of his neck, “It’s not me! Jenny insists. She says it will look cute and that all ring bearers do this.”
Hunk swings Sylvio onto his hip and gives him a sad smile, “Sylvio, my best little dude. Unfortunately all men must suffer at the hands of the girl they love. When Shay and I got married I had to wear pink.”
Sylvio gives Hunk a horrified look, “Well in that case I’m breaking up with Marissa and turning gay like Tio Keith.”
Luis choked on some water he had been drinking, “Sylvio who is Marrisa?”
Sylvio for his part just shrugged, “She’s my girlfriend but I don’t want to marry her and make someone have to carry around an ugly pillow or wear pink if we get married. So I’m just gonna be gay and kiss boys and not marry a girl.”
Keith turned away trying not to smile, because eight year old logic was the best, but also trying to hide his red cheeks. It’s not that Keith was ashamed of being gay, far from it, but he just didn’t think he was the best gay role model for an eight year old. He turned back and gave Sylvio his most serious face, “I don’t think not wanting to carry an ugly pillow is the right reason to be gay buddy.”
Sylvio squirmed until Hunk put him down. Again his eight year old logic won out and he gave Keith a shrug, “It is for me.”
Keith turned to Luis, “I am so sorry.”
Luis for his part just smiled and clapped Keith on the shoulder, “Ah well, it’s probably why I’m not gay. Lisa didn’t ask to have a rambunctious boy tearing down the aisle of a church carrying expensive wedding rings on a pillow.”
Keith smiled at the memory of Luis and Lisa’s wedding. It had been simple because Lisa had already been starting to show with her unplanned pregnancy with Sylvio. Keith was the only person in attendance besides Lance’s entire family because you never found Lance without Keith and vice versa. Marco had held the rings in his pocket and gave them to the bride and groom when it was time to exchange rings.
Everyone at this point was laughing but Keith turned to see Lance sitting in a chair with his head in his hands. Keith sat next to him nudged his shoulder, “You okay?”
Lance looked up with panic in his eyes, “What if Sylvio loses the rings on that pillow? Jenny’s ring cost a lot of money.”
Keith put a hand on Lance’s arm, “Hey calm down. You know they have ways to keep those rings in place right? They have zippered pockets or they sew them on with thread.”
Lance turned to give Keith an incredulous stare, “How the hell do you know all of this?”
Keith gave Lance a smirk, “I was listening to Ryan try to flirt with one of the employees and she went on a fifteen minute speech trying to impress him about how those things work.”
Lance let out a very undignified snort, “And here I thought you had some hidden knowledge about weddings.”
Keith grinned, “Maybe, but you’ll never know.”
Once all the guys had their measurements for the wedding and started heading to their cars, Hunk made a quick announcement, “If anyone wants to come to the restaurant, Shay and I will have the large room blocked off for dinner. Bring yourselves and your significant others and children.”
Lance’s eyes lit up and turned to Keith, “Yes! Are you coming?”
Keith ducked his head and felt his cheeks heating up. He rubbed the back of his neck, “I uh, no. I um kind of already had plans for tonight.”
Lance crossed his arms with a smirk on his face, “You got a hot date Kogane?”
Keith fumbled over his words, “I..uh….it’s not….just a movie maybe.”
Lance leaned closer to peer into Keith’s eyes, “Is this the same mysterious guy you’ve been seeing?”
Keith lied. He never lied to Lance. They told each other everything, except Keith was lying to his best friend of over twenty years for the first time in his life because there was no mystery man, just a bunch of random hook ups, never more than once, and never at Keith’s place. “Yea, uh, we’re still not sure if it’s a thing.”
Lance was beaming, “Bring him tonight! I want to meet him and I’ll give you the honest low down McClain opinion on him! I gotta see if this guy is good enough for you.”
Keith felt the churning in his gut not wanting to disappoint Lance. He turned his head biting his bottom lip trying to come up with a plausible excuse to get Lance off the subject. But of course Lance was too good of a friend and gave Keith the out he needed, “Hey man, I didn’t mean to pressure you. I get the first few dates you kind of want to be alone to see how things pan out.”
Keith let his shoulders slump and tried to keep his guilt in check, “No Lance, please don’t apologize. Not to me.”
Lance just shook his head, “No can do bud. You know I get a bit overbearing so don’t worry. Have a good time and when you’re ready we can double date or have a group night with everyone.”
Keith gave Lance a smile that he knew wasn’t quite a real smile, “Yea, that sounds like a great idea.”
Thirteen years ago: Lance and Keith age 12
Keith and Lance were sitting in the old tree house that had been built when Marco and Luis were younger than they were now. Lance was picking at a scab on his knee. Keith kicked him and scowled, “Stop tryna make it bleed.”
Lance tucked his hands under his bottom, “M’not.”
Keith kept scowling but went back to reading the latest Percy Jackson book he had checked out from the library. A few minutes later Lance pulled his knees up, resting his cheek on them and looking at Keith, “Hey Keith?”
Keith didn’t look up from his book, “Hey Lance.”
Lance let out an exasperated sigh, “Can I ask you something?”
“You just did loser.”
Lance gave an exaggerated eye roll, “No dumb dumb, can I ask you something secret?”
Keith grabbed a scrap of paper off the floor and marked the page in his book. He knew if Lance was asking about something secret it was serious. They only ever said it if it was really important. Keith nodded, “Okay, you can ask.”
Lance didn’t ask right away but that was okay with Keith because he knew that sometimes Lance had to take the time to get the words right in his head before he spoke. Lance’s mama said that was because Lance always let his words come out faster than his brain could work and he needed to slow down sometimes. So Keith just waited.
“How d’you know if you like someone?”
Keith tilted his head to the side to consider Lance’s question. “How did you know you liked me?”
Lance stuck out a foot to push Keith over, “No! Not like friends. How d’you know you like someone, like really like them like how Shiro likes Adam.”
Keith’s eyebrows rose but his shoulders sagged a bit, “Oh. I don’t know. I don’t guess I like someone like that.”
“Well what’s it say in all those books you read?”
Keith frowned, “Stupid stuff.”
Lance laughed, “Ok so tell me.”
Keith let out a huff, “Ok, but I warned you.”
Lance nodded and waited patiently for Keith’s words of wisdom and liking someone, “So they talk about how your stomach has butterflies.”
“Eeeew! Keith gross!”
“I know! And then your hands get sweaty because you want to hold their hand. But I don’t want to hold a sweaty hand.”
Lance made a face and scrunched his nose, “Me either.”
Keith tilted his head back and blinked a few times, “And then you want to kiss them.”
He gave Lance a pointed look, “Do you want to kiss someone?”
Lance bit his bottom lip and turned his head away from Keith. He looked back at Keith and shrugged, “I might want to kiss the new girl that always wears the pretty bows in her hair.”
Keith pulled at a loose thread on his sock, “Well I guess you like her then.”
Lance just sat quietly for several minutes staring at Keith, “Yea maybe.”
Now: Seven months before the wedding
Keith is leaving Hunk and Shay’s house after a group night. It was a rowdy night and Keith managed to not feel like an outsider even though he was the only one without a date or significant other. There was enough interaction with all of their friends that he didn’t have time to focus on Lance, to focus on Lance with Jenny. It was really a shame because it was no fault of Jenny’s. She was great, she truly was and anyone could see how much she loved Lance. It wasn’t even like she was just some horrible person and Lance was blinded by one-sided love, no Keith couldn’t be that lucky. Jenny was perfect. Perfect blonde hair, perfect white teeth, a dimple in each cheek, she volunteered at soup kitchens every Thanksgiving and Christmas, and she was one of the top rated newest pediatric dentists in the Knoxville area. So yea, like Keith said, she was fucking perfect and her and Lance were the all American couple next door. But despite his jealousy of Jenny, the night had been pretty good.
Keith was about to get in his car when he heard Hunk call for him, “Keith! You forgot your phone!”
Keith padded his back pocket for a phone that wasn’t there, “Shit!”
Lance’s voice came from inside, “I got it!”
Keith carefully placed a bag of leftover food behind the driver’s seat when he turned to get his phone from Lance. He heard a ping and Lance looked down at the phone in his hand. Keith gulped. He knew there were several notifications on his phone that he hadn’t cleared off from one of those hook-up apps and Lance just happened to notice them.
He looked at Keith with something like disbelief, “What are all of these?”
Keith just shrugged hoping to come off nonchalant, “Just a dating app. The other guy didn’t work out you know.”
Lance scrolled through the messages on Keith’s phone, his eyes sad and his mouth set in a frown. When he spoke it was as if he was suffering through some huge disappointment, “No, I didn’t know.”
Keith shoved his hands in his pocket, “I didn’t want to make a big deal out of it.”
Lance dropped his hand not giving Keith his phone back, “Keith, these messages go back for months and months.”
Keith sighed and reached for his phone, “Lance, it’s how I met that guy.”
Lance pulled his hand back keeping Keith’s phone out of reach, “But that’s just it, there was no guy. Was there?”
Keith stepped forward reaching for his phone just as Lance yanked his hand further back. Keith let out a frustrated growl, “Just give me my phone back Lance. I told you it just didn’t work out.”
Lance stepped back almost inside the doorway, he looked back to make sure no one was watching them. When he turned back to Keith the look on his face was enough to tear Keith to pieces, “Don’t lie to me about this Keith. You’ve never…we’ve never kept secrets from each other ever. Even when things got bad for both of us, we never kept secrets and we never lied. Please don’t lie to me now.”
Keith felt the churning of his gut, the heavy sinking feeling that he was lying even more to Lance, “If we’ve never lied to each other why would you think that’s what I’m doing now? Is there a reason you’ve all of a sudden started questioning me or my motives?”
“I’m worried about you Keith. You’ve started pulling away, you’re getting distant. There was only one other time that happened and I just need to know if you’re okay. If you tell me it’s no big deal I’ll believe you.”
Keith tried not to let the relief show on his face that Lance seemed to be letting this go, “I promise, it’s no big deal. That guy didn’t work out and I was feeling sorry for myself.”
Lance handed Keith his phone back, “Okay.”
His voice was softer but still a bit unsure, “Okay but you can talk to me about anything you know that right?”
Keith gave Lance one of his true smiles, the one that barely lifted at the corners but gentle and vulnerable in a way that he only got with Lance, “Yea I know.”
Lance pulled Keith into a hug and a few pats on the back before letting him go. Just as Keith was getting into his car Lance called out, “You’re being safe right?”
Keith snorted, “Oh my god Lance! Yes dad I’m being safe!”
December 2017: Three years ago
The day Keith took off to hide out at Adam and Shiro’s, Keith didn’t tell anyone where he was going. By the time he thought about calling or texting anyone several days had passed. The only person who knew was his boss, Allura and that was because she called and Keith just happened to have his phone in his hand at that particular moment.
“Keith. I’m calling to see if everything is okay? You haven’t reported to work since Thursday and I am a bit concerned. This behavior isn’t like you at all.”
“Allura. Oh god. I’m sorry. I um….I can’t…I don’t know when I’ll be back. Shiro, my brother was in a bad accident.”
Allura’s voice went from stern to concerned, “Oh Keith. I’m so sorry. Take all the time you need.”
Keith shook his head, forgetting that Allura couldn’t see him, “No I mean it’s really bad. Allura I don’t know how long, I can’t expect you to hold my job indefinitely.”
There was some background noise and then sudden silence before Allura spoke again, “Keith listen to me, I took a chance on you when I hired you because I saw potential in your photography. You are my best client, your work brings in the most revenue for our company. I will always, always have a place for you. Do you understand?”
Keith couldn’t fight the lump in his throat and his voice cracked, “Allura, I don’t know what to say.”
“Don’t say anything. You take care of your brother and take care of yourself. I’ll check in a few days.”
True to her word, Allura maintained steady check-ins with Keith. Most times he didn’t respond, the few times he did it was short one sentence replies. Other than that he didn’t call or text anyone else.
Six weeks after Shiro’s accident, Lance showed up. Keith hadn’t bothered to get out of bed in several days. He had been in the same clothes and unshowered for at least a week and he hadn’t been eating either. It caught Keith by surprise when he felt the bed dip. He blinked and saw the one person he hadn’t expected. Lance was looking at him with concern etched on his face, his blue eyes sad and glassy. He reached out a hand and pushed Keith’s messy bangs from his face, “Okay, let’s get you out of this bed.”
Keith tried to speak but his voice was raspy from days of not speaking but Lance just shook his head and grabbed Keith by his arms and pulled him into a sitting position, “Nope, no arguing, no talking. One thing at a time.”
Keith was pulled into the guest bathroom with a bundle of clothes in his arms. He could only stand there and stare as Lance adjusted the water for the shower and grabbed body wash, shampoo, and a wash cloth, “Shower first. We’ll talk after.”
Keith nodded and watched Lance close the door behind him. When Keith was done he wandered into his room to find the bed had been stripped, all of his dirty clothes was gone and the window was open to let in cold, crisp mountain air clear out the stale funk his room had turned into.
Just as Keith made his way into the kitchen, Lance was pulling out a bowl of something from the microwave and set it on the table, “Mama and Hunk both sent some food for you and Adam. I heated up some soup for you because I figure your stomach can probably only handle something light at the moment.”
Keith sat down and at somehow in the next minute his bowl was empty. He hadn’t realized just how hungry he had been. Afterwards, he let Lance lead him outside to sit on the steps, “You know I had to find out from Allura what happened? My best friend couldn’t even call or text me to let me know his brother was in an accident.”
Keith ducked his head, “I’m sorry.”
Lance sighed and stretched his legs out and leaned back on his hands, “You know, I’m not mad. I get that you were dealing with a lot of shit, but just something. You know, ‘hey I’m alive’ would have been great.”
Keith nodded still keeping his head down and not looking at Lance, “It’s been…I didn’t think.”
The pair sat in silence for several minutes. Keith shifted so that his head rested in his hands and his body began to tremble and shake. After days and weeks of holding everything in and keeping his mind numb to the events going on around him, it seemed like Lance was the catalyst to his feelings being forced to the surface. He forced himself to lift his head and look at Lance. His bottom lipped wobbled when they locked eyes, “I’m sorry. I’m so sorry Lance.”
Lance shifted and turned to face Keith, “Oh Keith, no. You don’t have to apologize. I didn’t mean to….aw no.”
He pulled Keith into his side and wrapped his arms around Keith’s shoulders. Keith couldn’t stop the hot tears from spilling down his cheeks once Lance fully folded him into his embrace, “I’m sorry.”
Lance rocked them both back and forth slowly, “It’s okay, you’re okay. There’s nothing to be sorry for.”
But Keith continued to repeat those two words over and over because he didn’t know how to tell Lance that he was sorry that he was using Shiro’s accident to not confront the real reason why he left in the first place. He couldn’t tell Lance that he was sorry for not being truly happy that he wanted to marry Jenny. He couldn’t tell Lance that he was sorry for not calling him sooner. He couldn’t tell Lance that he wanted to hate him for not loving him back. But mostly he was sorry that he was a selfish prick who tried to push his best friend away forever and he realized just how much of an idiot he was.
Now: Three months before the wedding
Keith was starting to spiral out of control. He was snapping at everyone including Lance. Allura had called him into the office about his attitude, “Keith is everything alright? I’m concerned about you lately.”
Keith sat in the chair across from Allura’s desk, “I’m sorry. I’ve been having some personal issues.”
Allura frowned, “It’s not like you to be so unfocused at work. We can arrange time off for you if you need it.”
“No! I’m sorry, no. I don’t need the time off. I’ll do better.”
Allura reached across her desk to pull Keith’s hand into hers, “You know you’ve become a good friend to me. If you need anything, Lotor and I will help you out in any way possible.”
Keith nodded, “Yea I know. You’ve been great to me especially after Shiro’s accident. I’ll get it together.”
Allura smiled and patted Keith’s hand before sitting back in her chair, “Good. I think I may have the perfect job to help. We have a new employee and I want you to show her the ropes, help her get her feet wet so to speak. Her name is Katie and we’ve hired her on to expand our customer base. The Shaybons are a very influential family in the area and want us to photograph their wedding but as you know we don’t do weddings.”
Keith tried not to let out a gasp at that bit of information but all he did was nod. Allura knew Keith was acquainted with the Shaybons through Lance. “Normally I would have you do the job, but that isn’t an option. Katie has experience with photographing weddings so she’ll be on the job and we will use her pictures with the Shaybons permission to use them in a wedding edition of our magazine.”
Keith managed to keep his face neutral during Allura’s speech and when she looked at him for feedback he responded, “Katie does the wedding, we get the commission and the use of the photos to advertise our ‘expanding’ business. A win-win all the way around for Lotura Photography.”
Allura smiled, “Exactly!”
When Keith walked out of work that evening he wasn’t expecting Lance to be leaning against his car, “Hey hot shot!”
Keith jerked his head up from where he had been tapping away on his phone, “Lance! What are you doing here?”
Lance put his hands in his pockets and frowned, “I’m trying to figure out why my best friend and best man for my wedding has been avoiding me lately.”
Keith sighed, “I’ve been working a lot. I’m sorry.”
“No, I don’t actually believe it. That may be part of it, but there is definitely something else going on and I’m trying to figure out if it’s something I did.”
“Lance.”
Lance held up a hand, “Nope. No way. Don’t ‘Lance’ me. What’s going on?”
Keith’s phone pinged with an incoming message and Lance let out an annoyed huff when Keith glanced at it. Before he could put it in his pocket Lance snatched it from his hand and stared at the messages on his screen. Keith stepped forward to grab his phone but Lance stepped to the side and lifted the phone out of Keith’s reach. “Give it back Lance.”
“I thought you said this was just a dating app?”
“It is.”
Lance glared at Keith, “No, it’s a hook-up app and judging by these messages you’ve gone through most of the guys in the Knoxville area.”
Keith crossed his arms and stared, “I don’t think that’s any of your business actually.”
Lance threw Keith’s phone at him and it hit Keith squarely in the chest, “I don’t even know you anymore. When did you start lying to me? More than anything when did you start lying to yourself? See, you tell me you’re not avoiding me but you’ve been out with Hunk and Shay, you’ve had dinner with Allura and Lotor, and from your phone messages you’ve definitely been busy. Is that what you meant when you said you’ve been working a lot?”
Keith moved forward and stood toe to toe with Lance, “What are you getting at? You think I’m selling myself with these guys?”
Lance leaned forward so that now they were almost nose to nose, “I don’t know Keith. Why don’t you tell me what you’ve been doing? Can you do that without it being a lie?”
“It’s Not ALWAYS About YOU!”
“When you don’t call or text me, when you avoid hanging out with me, then YES KEITH! I think it is about me! So why don’t you try and tell me what I did wrong because I feel like you’ve slowly started becoming out of my reach. I feel like ever since I got engaged…”
Lance’s eyes widened and Keith could feel the blood leaving his face. Lance’s voice dropped to a harsh whisper, “That’s what this is all about. You don’t want me marrying Jenny.”
Keith shook his head, “No.”
But Lance was on a roll, “Oh no. I think that’s exactly what this is about. You either hate Jenny or you just don’t want me to be happy. Which one is it Keith because damn if either option makes me feel very good about our friendship.”
“Well, I don’t feel so good about our friendship either now that I know how highly you think of me because no I don’t hate Jenny. Quite the opposite in fact. She’s amazing. And you should know the only thing I’ve ever wanted is for you to be happy.”
“You pushing me away doesn’t make me happy Keith!”
“And you accusing me of prostituting myself with some hook-up app doesn’t make me happy either.”
Lance slumped against Keith’s car, “I feel like I’m losing my best friend over a girl. I’m losing my gay friend over a girl. What the fuck Keith? If you don’t hate Jenny then what is this all about because I don’t understand why you would throw a lifetime of being friends away.”
Keith stomped forward and gripped Lance’s jacket in his fists. “It’s not about Jenny you stupid idiot. It’s never been about Jenny.”
Lance grabbed Keith’s wrists, “Then what is it? How can I fix it?”
Keith tightened his hold on Lance’s jacket and yelled, “You can’t fix it! You can’t fix anything because you can’t change the fact that you don’t love me like I love you!”
Lance let go of Keith and if it wouldn’t be for the fact that he was sandwiched between Keith and Keith’s car he’s pretty sure he would have fallen over from shock. Keith finally felt like after all of these years a huge weight had been lifted. He saw the horror in Lance’s face but he finally said it. He had finally told Lance the truth and he knew it would break his heart all over again.
Lance shook his head and pushed Keith away, “NO! No Keith! You don’t get to do this to me.”
Keith for his part just stepped back and let Lance have his say. “You don’t get to drop this bomb on me three months before I get married.”
Keith blinked and felt tears clinging to his lashes, “I know. And I’m so sorry. It’s not fair at all and I should have been able to push my feelings down so you wouldn’t have to deal with them.”
Lance turned back to glare at Keith, “Deal with your feelings? You think this about dealing with your feelings? You don’t get to come at me with some fanfiction confession like you’re about to follow me to Providence! This is real life Keith not some stupid rom-com on the Hallmark Channel.”
Keith blinked and the first tear finally made it’s way down his cheek, “I know Lance. And I want to kick my own ass for telling you this. I shouldn’t have told you and I’m so sorry.”
“Are you serious right now? NO! You should have told me. You should have told me when you first realized. So tell me Keith how long has it been since you’ve had these feelings? HOW LONG KEITH?!”
Keith ducked his head, “Not long after Shiro explained to me what it was to be gay.”
Flashback to Seventeen years ago: Keith and Lance age 8.
Keith remembers sitting on the couch as Shiro introduced him to Adam. He remembers Shiro telling him that Adam was his boyfriend and sometimes boys liked boys. Sometimes girls liked girls. And sometimes you can like both boys and girls, it was all okay. He explained to Keith that it didn’t matter who he loved or how he loved, but to understand there were different terms and to be honest it was a lot for someone only eight years old. But Keith still sat there with a sinking feeling in his stomach. There was a heaviness that he couldn’t shake because Shiro had also told him that sometimes people didn’t understand or like things they didn’t consider to be normal. He remembers passing by the large Catholic church that Lance and his family goes to and seeing a bunch of people with signs and spouting things about going to hell and some rhyme about Adam and Steve and Adam and Eve and Keith was trying to figure out if Shiro’s boyfriend was the same Adam they were talking about. But he was also worried that maybe Lance’s family were some of the ones who thought it was wrong and if they didn’t like Shiro being with Adam then that might mean he couldn’t be friends with Lance anymore.
Keith worried all night about no longer having Lance for a friend. He tossed and turned and cried all night long. Shiro just thought he wasn’t feeling good and asked him if he wanted to stay home from school. He shook his head because if he couldn’t be friends with Lance anymore he wanted to be able to talk to him for one last day.
Turns out Keith wasn’t able to spend any time with Lance because he had to stay inside at recess because he was talking too much. Lance always got in trouble for talking too much. With Lance not around, Keith began to worry more and he did something he never thought he would do. He snuck away from school and walked the few blocks to Lance’s house. He remembered where to go because he went there most afternoons while Shiro was at work.
He knocked on the door and waited. When Mrs. McClain opened the door she was shocked, “Keith, mijo what are you doing here? Lance is at school.”
Keith was trying not to cry because he liked Mr. and Mrs. McClain so he took a deep breath and tried to be brave, “I wanted to ask if you were going to make me and Lance stop being friends.”
Mrs. McClain reached for Keith’s hand and brought him into the kitchen. She sat him at the table and gave him a small glass of water, “What makes you think I would do that?”
Keith looked away and bit his lip, “Shiro said that sometimes people don’t like it when boys like boys.”
Mr. McClain had walked into the kitchen while Keith and Mrs. McClain were talking. She fixed Mr. McClain a sandwich to eat before he went back to work and made one for Keith as well, “That’s true, some people think it’s wrong.”
Keith scrubbed a hand across his nose and sniffed, “Do you think it’s wrong? Because if you do then I won’t be able to be friends with Lance.”
Mr. McClain handed Keith a clean handkerchief from his pocket to wipe his nose and patted his back. Mrs. McClain just hummed softly, “Can you tell me why I wouldn’t let you be friends with Lance?”
Keith let out a watery sob, “Shiro told me Adam is his boyfriend now. And I like Adam because he makes Shiro laugh a lot and he gives me cookies when Shiro isn’t looking. But you go to the big church where the people tell Shiro he’s going to hell and I don’t want to stop being Lance’s friend, but I don’t want Adam to go away either.”
Mrs. McClain sat in the chair next to Keith and pulled him into her lap. She let him rest his head on her shoulder while she rocked from side to side until he calmed down, “Do you know how brave you are Keith?”
Keith just shook his head. Mrs. McClain kissed his forehead, “You are very brave to come here and ask about something very serious and how we would feel about it. Most kids wouldn’t care about that, they would just try to hide it and go on doing whatever they want.”
Keith let out a hiccup, “But I’m not brave. I just need to know if I can still be Lance’s friend. Please don’t make us stop being friends.”
Mrs. McClain squeezed Keith a bit tighter, “I won’t ever stop you from being friends with Lance. I won’t ever be upset that Shiro has a boyfriend. I won’t get upset if you have a boyfriend. I don’t think it’s wrong to love anyone, as long as you are happy and the person you love is happy then that’s all that matters to me.”
Keith squeezed Mrs. McClain and then leaned over to look at Mr. McClain. He was smiling softly at Keith and leaned forward to ruffle his hair. He nodded to his wife, “Just what she said.”
They sat for several minutes before Mrs. McClain spoke again, “Is there anything else you wanted to ask or talk about?”
Keith let out a shaky breath, “I’m gonna be in trouble for sneaking out of school so I may be grounded and can’t come play with Lance for a while. Can you tell him for me?”
Somehow, Keith never got in trouble. Mrs. McClain told Shiro that the school called about Keith (which they did because they are supposed to call Lance’s house because of Shiro’s work schedule) and so he spent the afternoon with them taking a much needed nap (which Keith did as well because he hadn’t slept well the night before). Keith would later learn that Mrs. McClain had called Shiro and told him about her conversation with Keith and how concerned he was. She made sure to reassure Shiro that he was still welcome at their house anytime and they would love to meet Adam because Keith spoke so highly of him.
End flashback
Lance crossed his arms, “You’re a piece of work you know that? We could have talked about this! We could have had years to figure this out, but no! You wait until right before I’m supposed to get married! That’s pretty shitty of you Keith.”
“I didn’t tell you because I knew you didn’t feel the same way about me! You went on and on about Allura in high school before she became my boss. You crushed on Lotor as well. Your type was always anyone but me. And how the hell was I supposed to tell you about my feelings when you and Jenny started dating? Oh hey! I see you’re happy with this girl who’s absolutely perfect but um can you date me instead? Yea that would have worked out great. You would have hated me even sooner.”
Lance pulled Keith’s hands from his jacket, “You don’t know my type because you’ve never asked. And for the record, I don’t hate you.”
Keith watched as Lance walked away straightening his jacket as he left. He didn’t have it in him to follow. He was too much of a coward to finish the conversation and so as he let Lance walk further away, he felt the distance of their friendship grow further apart as well.
Now: Two months before the wedding:
Allura handed Keith a packet and some forms to look over, “Are you sure this is what you want Keith?”
Keith stared at the information in his hand, “Yea. I think it’s the change I need. And it will help the company as well.”
Allura sighed, “This is against my better judgment for reasons that have nothing to do with the company, but I can’t argue with your business proposal or with the timing of this new job that became available.”
“I know. But thank you anyway.”
Allura stood and came from around her desk and hugged Keith, “I’m going to miss you not being in the office every day.”
Keith smiled, “You’re going to miss not having someone to share in your coffee habits anymore.”
Allura gave Keith a tight smile, “That too.”
Keith left work and made his way to a quiet neighborhood. He pulled into a parking garage and made his way into the building and stood for several minutes before he knocked on the door of apartment 22C. When the door opened he was met with familiar ocean blue eyes and a scowl. He couldn’t really blame Lance since the last time they had spoken was their fight. He rubbed the back of his neck, “Can I come in for just a few minutes? I won’t take up much of your time.”
Lance stood back and opened the door wider for Keith to follow him inside. When he walked in, his insides twisted at how empty it looked. All of Lance’s pictures were gone from the walls, there was a few cabinet doors opened and empty and several boxes with blankets and pillows, “Sorry there isn’t any place to sit. Most of my things are already at Jenny’s apartment.”
Keith nodded, of course they were moving in together, they were getting married. He stared at Lance, at his best friend and for once he was able to push his feelings down and focus on what needed to be said, “I um, I wanted to tell you that I got a new job with Lotura magazines. It’s based in New York and I’ll be there for about a year.”
Lance crossed his arms, “So that’s it? I never pegged you for a runner Keith.”
Keith let out a sad sigh. He had already come clean on his feelings, he may as well confess all of it. “I’ve been running for the past three years Lance.”
“Enlighten me.”
“The day of Shiro’s accident, I was already with Adam when it happened. I had just listened to the boy I love tell me that he was going to propose to his girlfriend of five years. I left the coffee shop that afternoon and texted Allura that I was taking the rest of the day off and I drove. My plan was to just keep driving and disappear but somehow I ended up at Shiro and Adam’s house. I hadn’t planned on coming back but you showed up and I realized no matter how crappy of a friend I was, I was too selfish to never see you again.”
Lance turned and slammed his hand on the counter, “This just keeps getting better and better Keith! I had just asked you to be my best man and your thanks was to ghost me? So if Shiro hadn’t gotten in that accident you probably would be who knows where by now. God you really are a jackass Keith.”
Keith nodded, “I really am sorry Lance. I hate myself for all the shitty things I’ve done, the lies, the secrets, all of it. I hate that I hurt the one person that never deserved to be hurt. I hate that I’ve probably lost my best friend in all the world because of it.”
Lance stared at Keith, “New York for a year. I guess that means you’re ditching my wedding too.”
“I figured you would want to find a best man who actually deserved to be standing next to you.”
“So when are you leaving? When’s your flight out of here, how soon before you run from your feelings again and use your job as your excuse?”
Keith didn’t even deny what Lance was accusing him of because it was all true, “My flight leaves in two day.”
Lance shook his head and opened his door for Keith to leave, “I guess I’ll see you in a year if you ever decide to come back.”
New York, April 2020. Six weeks before the wedding
“The theme for our June magazine is Pride Month. I want a portfolio of any and all pictures you think applies and I want a write up. I want your pictures to tell a story and I want your write up to enhance the pictures. The due date is May 15th.”
Keith gathered his notes and stayed back to talk to Ryner. “What is it Kogane?”
Keith bit his bottom lip, “I was wondering if we were limited to our own writing or could we enlist the help of a coworker?”
Ryner stared at Keith, “Any particular reason?”
“Well, words aren’t my strength and I enjoy working with Romelle. But I wanted to make sure it was okay before I approached her for help.”
Ryner grinned, “It’s a competition Kogane. Only one person’s work will be selected for the magazine. Use all of your resources available.”
Keith smiled. Her words were all but permission, “Thank you.”
Keith made his way to the small closet in the hallway of his apartment and rifled through his old camera equipment. He found a box with several disks and flash drives and pulled them out. For the next two weeks he sorted through the pictures he had from the various Pride parades he hand been to over the years. He had pulled out one disc labeled summer of 2011. When he plugged in the disc the first picture that popped up was one of him and Lance, sixteen years old with sunburnt cheeks, rainbow flags, and so much glitter. He couldn’t help the fond smile and the nostalgia that came with the pictures that followed.
March 2011: Nine years ago, Keith and Lance age sixteen
Keith and Lance were walking home from school. Keith had just finished soccer practice and he was holding his bag with his uniform as they walked. Lance had been particularly quiet but Keith knew he would eventually tell him what was on his mind. Sure enough a block from home Lance tugged on Keith’s wrist and pulled them both onto the curb and sat, “How did you know you liked guys?”
Keith shrugged, “Probably the same way you know you like girls. You see one and think yea they’re kind of hot. And then you probably think about what it would be like to kiss them.”
Lance snorted, “So what makes a guy ‘kind of hot’ to you?”
Keith stretched out his legs rubbing at a bruise on his shin, “I don’t know. I mean I guess a nice smile, pretty eyes, and a full set of teeth.”
Lance fell back and laughed, “Oh my god Keith! That should be a requirement no matter what!”
“Well sure, but it doesn’t mean that’s always the case. And the type of teeth actually matter as well. I mean would you rather kiss Sally with the bad dentures or Henry with his pearly whites?”
Lance laughed even harder, “Sally with the bad dentures? Where the hell do you come up with this shit?”
Keith leaned back on the grass next to Lance, “Just making sure you’re aware of all the teeth options.”
Several more minutes passed when Lance spoke again, “You know Veronica told me she was gay last week.”
Keith turned his head to look at Lance, “That’s really cool.”
Lance smiled, “Yea. We talked for a long time. I um….I also talked to my parents about some things last night.”
Keith put a hand up to block the afternoon sun, “Oh yea?”
Lance hummed, “I told them I was bisexual. I told Veronica first and then my parents. But other than that you’re the only other person I’ve told.”
Keith smiled at Lance, “I’m proud of you. Thanks for telling me.”
Lance beamed, “You’re my best friend. Of course I was going to tell you.”
Two days before the wedding
Keith’s phone rings and he smiles at Hunk’s name, “Hey Hunk!”
There’s no response and Keith gets worried, “Hunk? You there?”
The first thing Keith notices is how nervous Hunk sounds, “Hey Keith have you heard from Lance?”
“Is something wrong?”
There’s a few seconds of silence, “No but Jenny called because she hasn’t seen Lance for a few days. I think they’re both stressing and pre-wedding jitters and such.”
Keith listens to Hunk but something isn’t adding up, “Has anyone seen Lance? Have you talked to his mama?”
“Oh! Jenny’s calling. I’ll call you back Keith.”
“Keep me updated Hunk. If I have to come down I will.”
Keith could hear the fondness in Hunk’s voice, “Yea, I know you would. Thanks Keith.”
Keith wants to make several phone calls but his portfolio is due tomorrow at noon. He’s editing some last minute photos into his presentation with the words that Romelle came up with. It weaves a beautiful tale of what it’s like to be young and afraid of how other’s perceive gay people. He has pictures of Shiro and Adam and their story, there’s pictures of Keith and a retelling of his conversation with Lance’s mama from all those years ago. There’s also pictures of Lance and Veronica and their story. He doesn’t know if he’ll win and even if he doesn’t it won’t matter because he’s proud of his work.
His phone rings and without looking at the caller ID, Keith answers, “Hello?”
The line is quiet. Keith still doesn’t look at the screen, “Hello? Is anyone there?”
Several more minutes and then finally a broken voice that Keith would know anywhere, “Can I ask you something secret?”
Keith sits back and all the breath rushes from his lungs. It takes him a few seconds to respond, “You can always ask me something secret.”
There’s a sob and Keith’s heart feels like it’s breaking and trying to beat out of his chest all at once, “How do I get my best friend to come to my wedding?”
Keith clutches the phone wishing he was looking at Lance face to face instead of listening to his anguish through a phone. Keith’s voice is barely a whisper when he answers Lance, “He’ll be there.”
The wedding
Keith took a red-eye flight out of New York as soon as he finished his presentation. The wedding was less than three hours away and he hasn’t slept in almost 36 hours. He checks into a hotel with just enough time to shower and throw on a suit. He makes it to the church after the ceremony has started. Lance is already at the altar holding Jenny’s hands. He tries to sit down but Jenny turns her head and notices Keith. The priest has just asked if anyone has any objections and all is quiet. Jenny continues to stare at Keith, “I’d like to say something.”
Everyone gasps as she turns back to Lance, “I’m so sorry Lance.”
He hasn’t noticed Keith yet, doesn’t know his best friend has made it. All he’s focused on is Jenny, “I should have ended this so long ago. I am a horrible person for stringing this along for so long.”
Lance’s face is pale, “I don’t understand...Jenny what’s going on?”
She places a hand on his cheek and smiles, “I thought I knew what it was to truly love someone. But I watched you these past few months as you dealt with losing your best friend. I watched a friendship become torn apart because of miscommunications and fear of rejection. But I’m standing here now and I have never seen a more beautiful display of love then what I see right now.”
Everyone in the church is murmuring and chattering to each other trying to figure out what is going on. Keith doesn’t know much but he knows this isn’t how a wedding is supposed to go. Jenny kisses Lance on the cheek, “There is someone who has lived with the shattered dream of never being with the person he loves and yet he continued to be there day after day putting his own feelings aside so that you could be happy Lance. I think the two of you need to have a long talk, and I think I need to no longer be a part of the picture because there’s something more just waiting to happen.”
Keith can only watch as Jenny picks up the hem of her dress and run down the aisle wiping her tears with the back of her hand. She stops in front of Keith and gives him a hug, “Please take care of him. Continue to love him with everything you have because I just broke his heart. But I think in time he’ll come to realize you’ve had his heart all along. I just wish I had noticed long before now or had the courage to let him go. I wish I had loved him enough to let him go like you did.”
Once Jenny left the church, chaos erupted. The Shaybons left in a hurry, embarrassed by their daughter’s actions. Lance was surrounded by his family clearly in shock over being ditched at the altar. Several people stared at Keith as if it was his fault that the wedding went south which in a way he probably was to blame. Once everyone had gone Keith walked up to the Altar and sat next to Lance. Lance put his head in his hands and let out a choked sob, “I didn’t think you would actually come.”
“I told you I would.”
Lance let his hands scrub over his eyes and travel up to grip his hair. “I thought she was the one. I thought we were meant to be. How am I supposed to know what love really is if this wasn’t it?”
Keith placed a hand on Lance’s back and rested it there, “You asked me once before how do know if you like someone.”
Lance turned his head and stared at Keith and waited, “It’s not about butterflies or sweaty hands. All that bullshit is just infatuation. Liking someone, or loving someone, it’s the days when you want to see them smile. It’s pulling them from the downward spiral when they don’t know if their brother is going to survive. It’s crawling into your best friend’s mama’s lap and begging her not to take away your best friend because your brother is gay. Loving someone is letting your own heart break and standing by willing to let your best friend marry someone else.”
Lance tucked his head into his arms and cried, “I was so horrible to you Keith.”
Keith shifted so that his arm was completely around Lance’s shoulder and pulled him against his side, “I deserved it.”
Lance rested his head on Keith’s shoulder, “I lied to you once.”
Keith turned to look at Lance. Lance took a deep breath, “I asked you about liking someone because I liked you. I didn’t know what it meant, just that sometimes I liked looking at your eyes as much as I liked looking at the girls wearing the pretty hair bows. And when I was sixteen and told you I was bisexual, I was hoping you would ask me out right then and there because I was too much of a coward to tell you how I really felt. I was yelling at you for hiding your feelings because I had done the exact same thing. I’m so sorry Keith.”
Keith let out a sigh and rested his head on top of Lance’s, “I’m sorry too.”
The real wedding two years later
Keith is laughing at Shiro trying to learn a dance called the Cha Cha Slide with all of Lance’s nieces and nephews. He’s currently eating a piece of cake and taking everything in, the lights the music, the smiles and the gold band on his finger when he feels arms wrap around his waist from behind. He smiles when he feels lips press softly against his neck and the music changes to something slower. Lance pulls him to the dance floor with a grin, “I want to dance with my husband.”
Keith smiles back, “Your husband wants to dance with you.”
Lance pulls Keith into his embrace and the two of them sway slowly. Lance pushes a lock of hair from Keith’s face as he sings, “Ordinary no, really don’t think so. Not a love this true. Common destiny, we were meant to be. Me and you.”
Keith tilts his head up and brushes his lips against Lance’s. He whispers softly just for the two of them to hear, “Me and you.”
The song continues but Keith and Lance are wrapped in their own little bubble. Lance places a finger under Keith’s chin and tilts his head just enough to press a soft kiss to his lips. Keith smiles into the kiss and lets his hand run through Lance’s hair as he deepens the kiss. They kiss slowly as if they have all the time in the world because now they do. They’re married after a lifetime of laughter and crushes, broken hearts, and healing.