Part 3
Jules > "I'm fine. I'm staying with couple of friends till Christmas. Miss you."
Truth be told, I missed her too. Her laughter, soft skin and those beautiful blonde hair. I couldn't stop wondering what she was doing. Was she staying with Ana? Did they sleep together when she arrived? Was Jules happier there? Despite the need to know, I didn't ask. Struggling with made up lies was probably better then knowing the truth. And that's what I did over Christmas. Jules was coming on Christmas Eve, but I didn't feel like seeing her just yet. Maybe because, I feared the conversation we would have, or maybe because I knew I would just apologize and beg her to love me again. Alcohol, fentanyl or Jules, Ali was right, in a way, they were all the same.
When the day of her arrival rolled around, I texted Jules I caught fever on my way from the station. All that just to keep her away for little longer.
Earlier that morning, I dragged myself from bed, heading over to Jules. Her train would arriver later that afternoon, so there was still time to avoid her. I dropped off her gift, pretending to cough and looks miserable in front of her dad. It was nothing but a simple backpack, she was eyeing for a while. It cost me fucking fortune, but what can I say, I would fucking kill if she asked me. Afterwards, I went back home, pretending everything was fine. Thankfully my mom and Gia didn't ask about her, and if they did, I just lied about it. All the anxiety and misery was burred under piles of cookies and food I ate over Christmas, waiting to be unleashed.
I didn't expect any disturbances, or visits, enjoying time in front of TV, until someone came knocking.
"Merry Christmas Rue," Lexi stood in front of me, squeezing small box.
"Oh, hi, Lexi." I leaned against the door. "What brings you over?"
"I wanted to drop off your present and those clothes I borrowed" she said nervously. "Anyway, I am sure you're busy with your family, so here."
"Present? Then come on in, I might as well give you yours. Plus, Gia's out with some friends and mom had to pop into work."
From her smile, I assumed she didn't expect me to buy her anything, just like I didn't last year, or year before that. I showed Lexi inside, quickly running to my room to find it. I didn't have time to pack it yet, but with my skill it was probably for the best.
"Merry Christmas Lexi," I handed her bunch of small boxes. "For this year and all those I missed." Without a word, Lexi put them aside pressing herself into my embrace. From her uneven breathing, I knew she was fighting off tears, so I squeezed her just a bit tighter until she calm down.
Taking our time, we both started unpacking. As for Lexi, I got her bunch of hair accessories. From pins and clips to hairbands and bows. I found then one night while browsing net with Gia. Some where childish with ladybugs or flowers, other simple. Few were even quite fancy in golden colors. Safe to say, after this Christmas I was completely broke.
I knew Lexi didn't go all out with make up, like her sister or Maddy. Nether did she experiment with with crazy clothing styles and accessories. However, she always had something in her hair, whether it was clip or hairband. Maybe that's what I liked about Lexi the most; her persistence. While everyone tried to find themselves or simply to please someone, Lexi knew who she was. She had her own mind and didn't care what anyone thought. At least that's how I saw her.
"Thank you Rue," she said after examining each peace. "I love them."
As for me, I was bit surprised Lexi got me a neckless. I didn't normally wear lot of jewelry, aside from few rings. But after closer look, I begun to love it. It was gentle golden chain with locket in shape of globe and once I opened it, I found a tiny picture locked inside; of my mom, Gia and my dad. It was old photo taken before his illness, when life was simple. I wondered how she got it, but I guess that wasn't important. I felt single tear rolling down my cheek as I ran my finger along the picture.
"Do you like it?"
"I love it," I smiled, pulling Lexi into another hug. She smelled like cinnamon cookies, which made me wonder what her and Cass baked this Christmas. I knew both of them were quite found of this festive season. With my mom and her organic cooking my cookie intake was pretty limited and more then once I found myself stealing from the cookie jar. Maybe I should go for a visit.
"You can add another photo inside if you want," she said after I let go of her and locked in around my neck.
"I will, thanks Lexi. Anyway, would you like to watch a movie with me? Christmas Carol is on."
"Sure, I would love to."
"Cool, I am gonna make us some tea while it starts. Is fruit mix okay?"
"Yeah, I am fine with whatever," she leaned back into the couch, carefully checking each hair clip there was.
"Hey! Which one is your favorite," she asked, once I came back with two steaming cups.
"Mine? I would say the bees." I pointed on two golden bee pins. "They are fitting for you."
"Bees, really?" She rose her brows, assuming I was joking.
"Yup," I picked one up, carefully locking Lexi's hair. "They're hard working and consistent and although many underestimate their presence, they make everything beautiful. Plus we would be fucking dead without them." Lexi shyly smiled, letting me finish her hair without a word.
Nether of us payed much attention to the movie, maybe because we all seen it like hounded times. Lexi was first to break the silence asking about my holiday with mom and Gia, while filling me on details of hers. We switched between few topics without realizing it was already dark out.
"Anyway, are you still going to the NA meetings?"
"Yup."
"Is it like helping?"
"I guess. I actually made a friend there. He helped."
"I am glad. I just wish I could have done more," she murmured.
"You helped plenty. You might not remember it, but after the dance, I was in pretty shitty place, if not for you I don't know what I would've done." I assured her, leaning against her shoulder. It was truly hard to imagine. If anything, Lexi definitely saved my family's Christmas. "Honesty, I am glad you kept your distance. I was a dick back then and I would've ruined any chance of us being friends again."
"Have you talk to Jules, yet?"
"Texts only," I sighed. "Can we not talk about her?' Well, there was a sentence I didn't think I'll ever say and Lexi was just as surprised as I was. "How are you and Cassie doing? I heard she broke up with McKay."
"She's doing better. Christmas cooking definitely helped." Lexi kept talking for a while, yet her voice was dropping on volume until she drifted to sleep. I didn't notice at first, assuming she was interested into the movie, but once I asked another question, I was left without an answer. She looked peaceful, leaning against me with the new clip keeping hair form her face. By this point I was watching her more then Tv. Talk about fucking creepy.
If I didn't need to pee so badly, I was sure I would be able to sit there for days. However, ruining the moment with another kidney infection sounded like a terrible idea, so after a while, I really needed to stand up. I gently placed Lexi on couch, making sure not to wake her up.
Just as I came back, mom entered the front door. Before she could say anything, I placed my index finger in front of my lips, nodding towards sleeping Lexi.
"Hi," she whispered, one of her brows rising in question. "Is Lexi staying for dinner?"
Only then I realized it was getting pretty late and streets were already dark. I sat on a ground, next to the couch, watching Lexi's chest slowly rise with each breath. Gently I stoke her hand, whispering, "Hey, Howard? Would you like to sleep over?"
"Sounds good, Bennet" she only muttered, unable to wake herself up. However, once she realized she wasn't home, her eyes shot open.
"Good, cause mom's making dinner."
"I should probably text mine. Actually, I need to wake up early tomorrow. I promised Cassie I would go to the doctors with her, so maybe I should head home," she said bit uncomfortably.
"Doctor? Now, right after Christmas?" mom said from the kitchen.
She stood still for a while, as if she didn't know what to say. "Yeah, it's just some check up, or something."
"I am fine with waking up early. There is another NAM after Christmas, I want to attend, but it's your choice."
"Oh okay then. I will text Cassie, I will see her in a morning." Her lips turned to satisficed smile as she picked up her phone. Gia came home little after dinner, with suspicious smile on her face.
"Someone seems happy," I teased. Lexi and I were back on a couch completely ignoring yet another movie. By now, I was able to put every single pin and clip into Lexi's hair, while she struggled to contain her laugher. Not that my hair was any better. We both looked fucking comical and I loved it.
"I was out with friends, so what?"
"Those "friends" must be really funny then," Lexi joined me.
"Oh haha, I am going to my room. You two weirdos enjoy whatever you're doing."
"We should probably hit the bed too."
"Mind if I use those clothes again?"
One by one we switched in bathroom, whishing everyone goodnight. My mom was stuck with bills again and by look on her face, I knew it wasn't good. Christmas season was always harsh, but I guess I've never payed much attention to it, until now.
"Fuck, your feet are cold," I screamed as I slipped under the sheets. My bed wasn't really made to fit two people so occasional touching was expected.
Lexi only smirked at my concern for her well being and ran her cold foot up against my calf.
"Jesus Lexi" I cursed again, pulling cover off Lexi and quickly wrapping myself in it.
"No fair," a small jest ended up in five minute pillow war, until I gave up. My lunge capacity was no match for Lexi and her healthy lifestyle. We slipped back under the covers, facing each other. By then I was half asleep from exhaustion, while Lexi continued to giggle. I don't even remember when I fell asleep that night, but it was one of the most peaceful night I had in a while. Well, until five in a morning, when I received direct kick from Lexi. I don't know who she was fighting in her dream, but I definitely didn't envy them.
There was no NAM meeting in the morning. I lied.
But, before you saying anything, I was meeting Ali for brunch. Everything he said so far was nothing but fucking truth, so I figured, I might as well seek some guidance from him. I messaged him a while back and told him about Jules. Although he might have some advice I am not gonna like, I was actually looking forward to it. I walked Lexi all the way to her house, just to kill some time since I was already awake and then headed to order some fucking pancakes.
"Rue," he announced himself, taking a seat in front of me. "Merry Christmas."
"To you too," I said, squeezing legs closer to my torso. "If you're looking for good time to say I told you so, this is it."
"That's not why I came here. So, you wanna tell me what's going on with you? Are you okay?" he got straight to the point.
"Define okay," I joked. "I'm still clean, if you're wondering, but not by my doing."
"How so?"
"I was so fucking close, like I had them in hand, but then friend showed up and they kinda slipped into the toilet. Don't ask how, it's a long story."
"Which friend? Jules?"
"No," I sighed. "Her name's Lexi, we've known each other since pre-school."
"She came there to check on you?"
"Not really. She wanted to talk."
"About?"
"Is that really important?"
"I donno. Are things she wants to talk about important?" Here he was again, twisting my words.
"She said she liked me like.. like more then friend. She was also hammered."
"Do you like her more then a friend?"
"Lexi? How the fuck am I suppose to know that, we weren't really that close after I started with drugs. Plus I've never looked at her that way."
"Why?"
"She's too good for me I guess."
"How did you decide on that?" I only dully started at him. "How did you decide Lexi was too good, but Jules wasn't?"
"I donno man," I struggled to even think about it. "Look, me and Lexi known each other since like forever and she's very sweet and most caring fucking person. But like, I always saw her as this like fucking princess that deserves nothing less then prince fucking Charming."
"And Jules?"
"I've met Jules at a party while I was high and she was a bit drunk, okay" I confessed. "She was like this wild card and we clicked. With her I felt this connection that we could be forever. Feels like I was just imagining it."
"So what changed?"
"Guess, I just stopped catching up to her. Sometimes I didn't understand what she was doing or saying," I said, my lips trembling. "And I realized I wasn't the person she would tell everything to. I got the feeling she begun to avoid me and then she disappeared into a city. Next thing I know, she came back like whole different fucking person."
"Did something happen in the city?"
"You bet something fucking happened." I said with bits of anger. "She hooked up with Ana."
"And who's that?"
"I have no fucking clue, but guess what! She's all I fucking hear about."
"So then what ?"
I sighed not happy to retell this part of the story. "I suggested we leave town and she agreed. I don't know why I did that. It was stupid and .."
"Where you afraid she might replace you? From what I gathered, Jules is this dynamic person who is contently changing. You said she experience with make-up and clothing, right? Well now, it people. She's like this newborn that wasn't to touch, eat and feel everything there is."
"Your point?"
"You said to me that if Jules decided to go to New York, you wouldn't hesitate to go with her, but now you couldn't even leave the suburbs."
"Yeah, cause I am fucking mental."
"No," he said harshly. "Cause you're not that kind of person anymore. You might have given up on yourself, but you care about other people. Your sister, mom, Lexi and Jules," he smiled. "If you imagine life with Jules now, how does it make you feel?"
"Nervous," I said as a first thing that came to mind. "Unpredictable. I donno overwhelming."
"Why?"
"Man, I came here looking for some answers, not to get confused by more question." I said with a smirk.
"I am not gonna give you answers you want, but I can help you figure them out, so now, back to the question. Why?"
"I guess, I always thought it's gonna be two of us against the world, but with Jules, it's always going to be someone or something new and I fell like keeping up with that might destroy me."
"Now, if you imagine life with someone else, like your friend Lexi, how does that make you feel?"
"What? I told you, me and Lexi... it's complicated." I signed, but after I realized Ali wouldn't budge, I continued. "Fine." I closed my eyes for a second, thinking. Endless minute passed and I still didn't say a word. I had a breath idea, but I didn't want to think about.
"First thing that comes to mind, say it."
"Peaceful," I murmured, scared to even open my eyes. " Free, like I would have someone I can rely on one hounded percent."
"Now, which one would you choose?"
"Do you really need to ask that?"
"Yes! So which one Rue?" I couldn't bring myself to answer. It's been another minute or so and my breath only quickened. "See, even when you're left with obvious chose, you're still stumbling towards the most harmful option. I am not gonna tell you what to say or do next, but I want you to think about all the options there are?"
"What if I fall into it again? Drugs?" I let out a long sigh. "Without Jules, what's there to stop me."
"Yourself. Your love for your family and friends. Hope that there is something else waiting for you," Ali listed, squeezing my hand on top of a table. "Find yourself distraction. Give your attention to those who deserve it, find a job or something."
"Job? Really."
"Yeah, actually here," he passed me a card. "I thought you might flourish in there."
"A flower shop? What is this place?" I didn't recognize the address.
"It's where I work." He said with a smile. "It's a fine place, in good environment. Just think about it."
"Man, I know zero things about flowers, plus I still have school to finish."
"It's only the weekends and you don't need to know anything." He rose his brow. "The pay is good too."
Well, if there was one thing to persuade me, it was promise of money. Ali left soon after, he even payed for my pancakes which I was eternally grateful for. However, our previous conversation was still lingering around my mind. I felt like I had more questions and zero answers, and I was to meet Jules in one hour.