Flushed and forgotten
"Fucking Jules. Fucking emotions, fucking city!" I screamed at the empty station, looking towards direction, my only light in life so casually left me. Tears were still breaking thru my eyelids even I tried constantly put up a fight against them. I couldn't stop shaking, yet I wasn't even cold. December weather was at it's full swing, yet I was burning up from inside. I guess that is what love does to you. It took me a good while to realize the train wasn't turning back and another complete breakdown, just to move me from the station and begin my way home. I could barely see the path I was taking, my vison blurred by tears. Not once did I slipped on icy road and ended up on a hard concrete. Yet again, pain just wasn't there.
I only recognized my own house, by spotting my moms car. I don't know why, but that's like only thing I ever look out for.
She was probably asleep by now, along with Gia. However, as soon as I would step across doorway, I knew one of them would eventually wake up. So bedroom window was only way to get in.
There was one thing that could help me now and my eyes were already focused on it, ever since I stood in front of my house. Although I couldn't actually see it just yet, I knew it was there, waiting for me. Unlike someone I know.
I peaked into the bathroom, scared to even touch it. Millions thought ran thru my mind as I picked up the hidden stash of oxy's. They looked so luring, like warm summer rain.
Then again, a part of me saw them for who they truly were. A poison. Not just of my body and mind, but for my family, relationships and future. I sat down on a bathroom floor, leaning against the wall. Why was it so hard to make this decision. I came home with one intention only and now I was strolling.
A picture of my mom came blinking in my vision, as I held single pill in between my fingers. She was crying, yet her eyes were almost piercing thru me with so much disappointment, I could barely move. It appears I was never able to make her smile.
The toilet was right in front of me, with a seat opened.
"I wonder if I.." Without much thinking, I threw the pill against the plastic deck, watching it bounce off and hit the water.
Breath for stuck in my throat for so long, as if I drowned myself. I rocketed from my seat to look at the damage, but there was no way it was eatable now.
Looking into the small plastic container, there was still plenty to go around. My mind clamed down and I retook my previous position.
"What now?" Silently I counted down every little pill. Reflecting on recent even, the small rush of adrenalin as pill disappeared in front of my eyes settled in my mind, and I immediately craved it.
Just like the last time, I tossed single pill to depths of my toilet, followed by same freaked out movement. I can't believe how pathetic I looked then. I didn't toss any more, but settled container it self on slippery toilet seat, leaving it opened.
Carefully, I sat back down as if one wrong movement would dispose of my precious treasure.
I watched it constantly with mind completely blank of thoughts, yet full of need. I could just reach and have it all, one simple movement and I would be free. Slowly but surly I begun to budge from the wall. At first my back slowly parted, leaning against my knees. However, before getting any further, a sudden bang interrupted me.
"Oh, for Christ's sake," a angary murmur echoed from my room as something heavily hit the floor. It didn't sound like metal, wood or glass. I recognized the sound perfectly, knowing too fucking well how fallen body sounds. Another painful groan rang out and I rocketed from the floor.
"Was I being robbed?" I remembered I left the window opened, which was quite stupid of me, but with the state I was in, I couldn't worry less. Rushing pass the toilet, I heard another drop, this time of something lighter, hitting surface of water.
"Oh no," I almost screamed out, however keeping my voice to a minimal. "Fuck no," I was ready to reach for it, but the water was sinking in. Dumbfoundedly I watch container take on more water. I felt like crying was in order, yet for some reason, I all I could do was blink couple of times. As I heard another groan, I begun to investigate, what exactly was this disturbance causing me drop my poisonous candy.
Walking into my room, the window above my bed was indeed wide opened with body lying underneath my bed.
"Lexi?" I recognized her dress from miles away. "What the hell are you doing here?" Kneeling next to dead-like body, I gently removed hair from her face, watching Lexi struggle to breath. "Come on cutie," I picked her up, throwing her arm around my shoulder. I helped her drop off her coat since it was drained with melting snow, leaving her only in navy blue dress. Her fingers and lips started to turn blue while her nose burned with red.
"Just follow my breathing, key" I couldn't believe what I was saying; my breath was nowhere near stable. I can't imagine how cold she must have been, yet getting blanket was second priority now.
"Rue?" As we step into the bathroom, Lexi's arm gripped me somewhat tighter and she quickly pressed herself against me, her free hand joining the second. "I'm so glad, you are here."
Oh boy she was drunk. "Yeah, well it's my home, Lexi," I talked slowly, nodding . "Now, how about we sit you down, next to this toilet and I will go find you something to suppress headache that's coming next morning."
"Oh, so someone else is coming?" her gaze dropped.
All I could do was laugh. "No, it's just us. Sounds good?"
"Much better. Anyway, I came to say something.." she forgot, biting her lips childishly." Oh, yeah. I came to say, I love you and you deserve better then Jules. Or me, or anyone else!" She declared.
One of my brows rose unexpectedly. At first I didn't understand, but slowly her words begun to sink into her thick skull. How did Lexi even come up with this?
"Fuck no. Better then you? I mean, even Santa wouldn't deserve you." I joked.
"Never mind him, you're all I need," she leaned against my torso, her head settling in crook of my neck. Suddenly, I begun to feel like she wasn't talking about our friendship no more. Or what she in the first place.
I screamed in my own head. "Oh, no. Lexi Howards has a crush on me. Since when? Why me of all people." I pushed to thought aside, unable to process it at the moment.
Ever since I meat Lexi, I've never dared to look at her in that way. I mean it was Lexi. Smart, cute, beautiful and innocent Lexi. Nothing for filthy and vulgar hands like mine.
"Kiss me already," she whispered.
"Truly alluring idea, but I don't think I can be that bold," I lied, knowing it would easily work on drunken Lexi. "How about we leave the kissing for later and take care of you first? Come on sit down."
"You promise?"
"Promise. Now, let me tie your hair, in case you get sick." As a que, I watched her chest rise aggressively. As quickly as I could, I turned Lexi towards right direction, before any of it hit me. "Good, let it all out."
And she did. For a few minutes actually, while I massaged small circles on her exposed back. I guess me and Lexi were in for hell of a talk tomorrow morning. Honestly I didn't know what was I suppose to tell her. I didn't wish to break her heart, nether did I wanted to break her heart if you know what I mean. But, no matter what the fuck I would tell her, the outcome would be the same. Sooner or later I was bound to hurt her.
"I bet you didn't imagine your night like this," Lexi murmured after a while, finally able to breath freely. "I must look super gross right now."
"To be totally honest, my night sucked at first, but it's starting to turn around," I smiled, sitting across Lexi, watching her hide her head between her hands. "As for you missy. Have you seen me throw up? Compared to that mess, you look like thousand bucks."
Not more then two minutes passed when Lexi's hand no longer fixate her head, letting it crack against the seat.
"Fuck," I murmured, realizing I must have spaced out. Although the hit looked quite hurtful, Lexi had no problem dozing off. Of course I wasn't there to leave her sleep next to the toilet. In full honesty if it was some random girl at the party I would probably just laugh and leave it be, but this was Lexi for god's sake. Girl that just confessed her feeling for me.
"Come on Lexi, hold on tight!" I squatted down, offering her piggy ride. I was sure my weak spine would break after second step. However, hardest part was yet to come. Girl had a grip like professional rock climber, making it impossible to get loose. Thankfully, Lexi was slowly dozing off, giving me few seconds to escape.
"Rue, why is it so cold in here?"
"Cause someone let the window open," I smirked, closing it. Some of the snow already flew in, soaking bits of my pillows. "Damn it." Actually I was pretty glad I let it open. Who knows what would happen if Lexi didn't get in and I stayed alone with my pills.
"MY PILLS" Sudden urge griped me to go see if there were any left, but I knew better. The whole container fell into the toilet and even if some could have been saved and dried, they definitely didn't survive Lexi's previous diner. In past few minutes I flashed the toilet so may times, they must have been all the way to another suburbs by now. Surge of happiness gripped me abruptly. Like when you jump out of plane, praying for parachute to open. And then it does and everything is fine. The danger is gone and all you're left with is beautiful view.
"The pills are gone. There are no more drugs." It was as if giant chains fell from my wrist and ankles and I was free. There was still dash of anxiety and desire, but it barely made any impact. Quite on the contrary, cause all I was worried about now, was finding the extra blankets and hopefully some clothes for shivering Lexi.
Before she completely drifted to sleep, I made her drink some water and already prepared the miracle hang-over pill along with emergency bucket.
"One more minute, honey. Stand still," I slowly unzipped her dress, letting it fall down her figure. Quickly I pulled long shirt over her head. It took second to get her tangled inside, while Lexi only childishly giggled. However, once she descended into pillows, her voice dimmed and she fell asleep. I helped her under covers and even brought extra blanket, knowing too well Lexi couldn't handle cold weather.
I decided it was for the best to leave her sleep alone, even if my bed was large enough for two. Letting the door somewhat opened I dropped onto a couch finally getting some rest myself. However, sleep didn't come so easily. Instead all the monsters in my closet came knocking. From addiction to woman that left me freezing on a station not more then two hours ago. Jules. Where was she? What was she doing? Conflict in pit of my stomach was still outraging until I started to circle around my own home, time to time peaking to check on Lexi.
Thank god for Lexi. Even her sheer presence made me forsake my self-conflict at least for a second. She was spread all over the mattress, her hair covering most of her face. Her snored like a old man who just fell asleep while watching football, beer still in his hand, it almost made me laugh. Seeing drunken Lexi was as common as seeing me in formal clothes. It happened occasionally, but soon everyone wished things would go back to normal. So as much as I loved seeing Lexi hammered and jabbering about how I deserve better, I couldn't wait to see the original version, telling me when I was being an idiot.