War of hearts
Mind and heart still in turmoil, Alec went back to his room.
He did it, HE-DID-IT!
"Oh god, what did I do" - he said to himself.
He couldn't believe it yet, he couldn't get how he had found the nerve. In front of his parents, the entire Clave lined up in grand style. In front of the Silent Brother who had stared at him tilting his head - an almost shocking gesture for a Brother, used as they were to being impassive in any circumstance.
He didn't care about his siblings or his friends: everyone had smiled, they were happy he could finally found enough strength to show his true self. Izzy had hugged him proudly, Jace had high-fived him, even Simon and Clary, much less intimate with him, looked enthusiastic - Simon had even made a sketch from that movie ... which movie he couldn’t remember, Simon knew a lot of useless stuff, but it didn't matter. He was happy with their support.
But his parents? His mother’s suddenly hard face, his father’s astonished look ... and he hadn't even dared to ogle the usually poker-faced Clave delegates or, for that matter, his fellow shadowhunters of the Institute
He wondered what would happen now. He thought back to the whole event, seeing Magnus' face again when he had caught him come down the altar steps and walk along the aisle. A whole pattern of different expressions, resolution, anxiety, amazement, fear - perhaps wondering if Alec was going to hold him by the arm and kick him out. Until he could stare at him wide-eyed, half-open mouth as Alec had grabbed him by the lapels of his jacket and kissed him as if he were about to drown and Magnus could be his only salvation.
He looked at himself in the mirror, wrapped in those elegant clothes that only a short time ago were the symbol of his self-inflicted sentence. He slowly began to unbutton the golden jacket and took it off, letting it fall onto the floor. He then undid the bow tie, throwing it upon the jacket. Overwhelmed by a sudden yearning, he tore off his waistcoat, shirt, trousers, took off his shiny shoes, until he was left with only underwear, barefoot. Right now those clothes represented everything he hated most about himself; the ongoing sensation of being inadequate, the need to live up to expectations, and to please his parents, his insecurities, the lie he had lived up to now. He still wore the bracelet Lydia had gifted him: he took off that too but placed it gently on the bedside table.
She wasn't to blame.
He headed for the bathroom stepping on the pile of clothes on the floor and after a quick shower put on his attire. Free, at last. This, he knew he was this: a shadowhunter, strong and capable - and also a gay man. It was all out in the open, now.
***
Dragging herself wearily, Lydia came back to her room. The wedding dress seemed so inconsistent now.
She had felt happy when she had watched herself in the mirror before the ceremony, as happy as a woman could be while going to bond for life, though aware that she was not the right person for her partner, just like he was not the right person for her. She knew very well what kind of marriage she was preparing to face: an arranged link for political purposes with a man who, she had got it perfectly clear, would never have been able to love her. He would respect her and would fulfill his duty as a husband because he was a loyal gentleman and a dutiful shadowhunter, but there couldn’t be happiness between them.
Actually, she had given up happiness when John died. She could never love anyone else as he had loved him, and she would have wanted so much to wear that wedding dress beside him, but shadowhunter life implied this too, surrender, sacrifice, and pain. However, she had sworn to herself she would love and respect Alec: he was a good guy, he deserved at least a good friendship. But now Lydia realized that she would always lose the competition, compared to Magnus, she had never had the slightest chance. And having been in love herself, she felt close to those two guys and finally found herself hoping that everything was going to be fine and Magnus and Alec could get to know each other better and maybe build a true love relationship.
She placed the bouquet on a chair and stood in front of the mirror, starting to remove her beautiful shiny dress. She untied the belt and slowly took it off, she didn't want to ruin it. She would have gladly kept it as a memory of that unforgettable day, but she did not know whether she could do or not. She took off her fine shoes, then the luxurious underwear, putting on the usual black uniform.
Sad as her empty heart.
She untied Alec's gift jewel from her neck and painfully placed it on the bedside table, she had no right to keep it. Finally, she undid the thick braid Izzy had made a few hours earlier and pulled her hair back into a tight bun.
Here, the bride disappeared, the warrior came back.
**
Alec left his room and, smiling to himself, headed for the operations center. Finally, it was an ordinary day.
**
Lydia turned to glance at the room one last time. Her gaze fell on the dress abandoned on an armchair. She pursed her lips and left, closing the door softly behind her.