it's been some time.
That's the only thought Cheryl allows herself to have as she sees the 'unknown number' displayed on her phone screen. It's not like it's never happened before. It's not like she doesn't know who it is - she most definitely has an idea -, or at least where it comes from.
She's just announced on Instagram that she's working on her first solo album, which certainly narrows down the possibility of the unknown caller being an actual stranger. With a sigh, Cheryl reminds herself that that's exactly what they are now. Even if she knows them, even if she's spent eight years of her life with them.
They're nothing but strangers to her now, just like she's one to them.
Lisa, her assistant gently takes the phone from her hands when Cheryl stares at the screen for a little too long, a smile makes its way to the younger woman's face, along with a silent question. ' would you like me to take that for you?'
Cheryl shakes her head and takes the phone back, already walking out of her office and turning the lights off. Lisa hurriedly walks behind her, following her every step. She's new, she doesn't know that, as soon as their job is done, Cheryl likes her space.
it's probably betty . She tells herself. i can deal with betty . And takes a deep breath.
"Cheryl Blossom. La Fleur." The words come out of her mouth calm and collected, as professionally as she can manage, given the circumstances. The first conversation is never easy, she knows. But her greeting is. It's always perfect, her name followed by the name of her own brand.
She wants the first thing they hear is that she's succeeded.
“A solo album?”
Cheryl stops on her tracks. The assistant is not that fast and ends up bumping into her, dropping the binder full of clothing designs, concept ideas and models pictures she's carrying. It doesn't matter. Not at all.
Cheryl was wrong. It's not Betty.
She's now torn between wishing she had changed the greeting and wishing she had said it louder.
“What about it? You have yours.” It comes out more defensive than she's expected, more guarded even. As if she knows she's being judged and already feels terrible about it, although there's nothing to feel bad about.
it’s not like you have a say on it anymore, even.
Cheryl's moving on with her life, mustering up all the courage she has to come back to something she's always loved but has been running away from for quite some time. She still has a little trouble separating music from what happened in the past. She has trouble looking forward to her musical career as well.
“I thought you were done with music.” Toni's voice sounds smaller this time, half confession, half confusion. But her guard is not up. Yet. It never takes too long of a conversation with Cheryl for that to happen, it also doesn't help that the other woman hardly ever lowers hers.
And even when she does, it never works out for the best.
“Clearly.” It's an accusation more than anything, and Cheryl almost curses herself for that. The first conversation is never easy, and she's making it even harder. In her defense, it's not like she was expecting Toni, from all people, to be the one to approach her. "You were not the only one." Six other girls did as well.
What comes next is unexpected. Completely. Because they haven’t talked in two years and it’s not like their last conversation turned out that well.
Cheryl did leave the group that day, so one could say it turned out horribly.
“I wrote you a song.”
She stops again. Her assistant is quick this time. Cheryl's thoughts are not, because she feels like she can't quite process the information she's just received. It doesn't help that it's not like Toni to do that. At all. Write songs, yes. Write songs for other people, hardly ever. Write songs for Cheryl, absolutely never.
you don't know her anymore, cheryl. she's one of the strangers.
“For my solo album?” She asks, hearing the question come out of her mouth even though her voice doesn't really sound like hers. It's high pitched and strained with shock and something else she can't quite identify.
“I wrote it when you left.” Cheryl doesn't know what answer she expects, but it's definitely not that one. So her cheeks flush and her heart hurts in a way she was sure would never hurt again after coming to terms with what happened in the past.
when you all made me leave , she wants to counter.
“In hopes you’d make music again someday.” Toni adds, when she doesn't receive a proper response.
“I never had the intention of quitting music.” Cheryl says, through gritted teeth, and sighs, deciding she is not having that conversation. Not like that, through the phone. Not again, when last time caused one of the worst moments of her career.
Of her life.
this could be the closure i never had. She thinks while they're both in silence, she walks to her car and sits on the back, absentmindedly waving goodbye to Lisa as the driver drives off. i could say i have no interest in whatever song she wrote and this could be a goodbye.
It was never easy saying goodbye to Toni. And Cheryl briefly wonders if she's ever even wanted to.
"My email is the same." She says, resigned. "Send me the song if you think it should be mine."
Then the call is over because Cheryl can't take it anymore, she turns off her phone with a sigh and closes her eyes. Part of her wishes Toni never sends her the song, and part of her wholeheartedly hopes she does, and Cheryl hates herself for that last one.
-
Veronica appears in her office, two days later, an In-N-Out take-out bag in her hands and a fierce look on her face. She's a woman on a mission, apparently.
Veronica Lodge is, for the lack of a better word, the common ground between Cheryl and Toni.
She’s still part of Purp!e, Cheryl's former group, but was the only one to fight for Cheryl to stay. Against the company, against all those lawyers, against the other girls. Veronica was the only one who didn’t ask for her to choose, even though it's clear she hoped Cheryl would choose the group if it ever came down to it.
Spoiler alert: it came down to it. Another one: Cheryl didn't choose the group.
Obviously, she took Cheryl's so called 'choice' just like every other girl did, not that well. Like really - emphasis on really - not that well, even though she wasn't part of the people that asked her to make that choice. And that's why Cheryl would hold less resentment for her, if she were able to resent any of the girls. She doesn't, but if she were to, she'd remember Veronica fighting for her in that meeting room while the other girls looked at her with hard expressions and unsaid accusations in their eyes.
Veronica had been the one to approach her first, after the whole fiasco, nevertheless. And Cheryl thinks she's probably the only one who still sees her as a sister. Her relationship with Josie has also been getting better ever since the woman contacted her a while after Veronica did, so maybe Josie can see her as something along those lines as well.
Maybe.
“I betted the next one would be Betty.” Cheryl comments with feign frustration when Veronica sits in front of her, dramatically, and throws her purse and keys on the office desk.
“Should you and Jason really be betting about stuff like that?”
There's no need to ask how she knows who Cheryl bets these stuff with. It's not a secret to anybody that Jason is the only person she has left. It hurts that, in the past, she used to have six other girls as well, but she's learned to accept things are what they are.
and, in the end, maybe i can only rely on myself.
“He loves to bet.” Cheryl doesn’t say that betting about that matter is the only way for her to hope the girls will one day talk to her again.
“He won, then?”
“No one did.” She also doesn’t say that they've never even considered Toni approaching her after her departure.
It's not like she approached Cheryl that much when she was still in the group, even. Even when she was still with them, it had been becoming rare for her and Toni to have personal conversations as time went by.
"It's always been complicated with the two of you, hasn't it?" Veronica seems to read her mind, dropping the 'betting' subject easily to focus on what she's there for.
complicated is a good word.
"I think we've always lacked a little bit of communication." Even though they seemed to understand each other better than anyone else in the group, sometimes.
we just hardly needed words.
It must have been the results of years training together, and surviving in this crazy industry together, singing together, living together. Especially because, even though they ended up in the worst possible terms, and weren't much on better ones before that, Cheryl and Toni used to be really close in the beginning. The closest friends in the group, or something like that.
until one day we weren't.
"Did you hear the song, at least?" Veronica asks, opening the bag and handing Cheryl a burger. There's this determination in her eyes that makes Cheryl laugh.
She reminds her of the old Veronica. Well, she reminds her of the Purp!e Veronica, the one who would just take care of whatever needed to be taken care of, who would just tell whoever's fighting to shut up and eat their food, and who would protect any of her sisters from any harm, no matter how.
It's been long since Cheryl's seen that side of her. She likes it.
"I did." She answers, and Veronica raises an eyebrow, refusing to ask the question Cheryl knows she needs to answer. "It's good. I like it."
it fits me quite well.
Apparently, even after years apart, Toni still manages to understand Cheryl in a way probably no one else does.
"Will you sing it?" That's it. That's what Veronica's in the office to ask. That's her mission. And she only wants one answer.
There's only one right answer for it.
Still, Cheryl takes a bite of her burger, trying to distract Veronica in every possible way. There's only one right answer, but she's still not sure if it's the right one for her.
"That's not the question." She says, instead.
"What is, then?" She watches as the woman leans back onto her seat and brings a french fry to her mouth, casually. Apparently, she's already expecting Cheryl to try and avoid it anyways.
"Should I do it?"
"Why shouldn't you?" Veronica asks with an eyeroll. As if the whole situation is really simple and Cheryl's making it more difficult than it should be. Well, maybe she is. "It's clearly your song."
Cheryl doesn't say anything back. She doesn't ask about the 'clearly', either, even though she's curious. Because there's nothing clear about that song being hers.
it's just another love song.
"Just eat your food and call her later."
That's how the discussion ends, and they both eat their lunch and talk about something else. She asks Veronica about her parents and, in return, Veronica asks her about Jason. They talk about their lives and plans for the future. Then La Fleur is mentioned, and it always makes Cheryl happy to see Veronica showing real interest in what she's doing now, so she shows her the new designs she's drawn for the winter collection.
She doesn't say she's not sure about the song yet, nor she agrees to make the call Veronica told her to. They're just enjoying their lunch time together, as they used to back in the day. And that's enough, even if that love song is still echoing in the back of her mind.
Along with Veronica's words. 'it's clearly your song.'
-
Cheryl doesn’t mean to, but, at night, she finds herself creating a playlist of Toni’s songs. Just Toni’s. It’s no secret how much she loves the woman’s voice, and how much she knows Toni deserves all the success and fame she’s been getting, given how hard working and diligent the singer is. She was just too proud to download the songs before.
No wonder why Toni’s solo career is going so well, she muses, as she listens to the playlist on repeat.
her voice is just mesmerizing.
It’s been only three days Toni sent her the song, and it would be a lie to say Cheryl's been able to think about anything other than that. Even during important meetings for her new collection, the lyrics just somehow invade her mind, and half of her just wants to sing them already, just so she can get rid of it and bring herself to focus on something else.
Her other half wants to record it for entirely different reasons.
toni would have to be there in the studio.
Her phone rings. ‘unknown number’.
“I should just save the number already.” Cheryl mumbles under her breath. She, then, accepts the call.
“Toni Topaz. Purp!e.” It’s playful and sounds slightly like a dig on her own greeting the other day, especially when she hears Toni’s chuckles.
Cheryl doesn’t miss a beat.
“Cheryl Blossom. La Fleur.”
And if that hurts Toni in any way, she’ll never know.
“Veronica said you have an answer.” She comments, nonchalantly. Cheryl curses Veronica in every possible way.
“She’s wrong.” She suddenly wishes the lunch had been with Josie instead.
“Oh.” That doesn’t seem to catch Toni by surprise. They both know Veronica way too well. “So you don’t have an answer yet?”
“I don't.”
“I guess that’s still better than a no.”
Cheryl wants to ask why it matters if she sings it or not, but chooses not to. The fact that she knows having her sing the song means something to Toni seems enough.
She doesn’t need all her questions answered at once.
Besides, she likes to delude herself by hoping Toni’s reasons are the same Cheryl has to accept the song.
"I do love it." Because she really does, and feels a pang in her chest whenever she remembers it was written for her. She wishes she could forget the circumstances in which it was written, though.
"It's yours." Toni says through the phone, her voice is soft - and somehow convincing -, as if she needs Cheryl to record it just as much as Cheryl wants to do so. "Really. If you don't sing it, no one will."
"It's yours." She repeats.
mine.
"You'll need to be there for the recording and arrangements." Cheryl says, finally. She does feel that may not be the best idea, but it's never like her to go with her brain when her heart screams for her to see Toni again. "I'll text you the address."
i do love the song.
"Bring some wine." She sighs when Toni lets out a laugh.
"You bet I will, Cheryl."
Cheryl tries to ignore the way her heart flutters at the sound of her name coming out of Toni's mouth, in that husky voice she's always adored. She has to remind herself she's not eighteen anymore.
even then, it's not like toni ever felt the same.
-
Being in a recording studio with Toni used to be simple, and fun and a lot of other things Cheryl tries to push to the back of her head. Because it reminds her of what seems to be a long time ago, when it wasn't just her, but six other girls as well, and they'd sing non stop until the producers were satisfied, joke around in between breaks and eat all kinds of food just to make the time in there seem shorter. And it's too much of a happy memory for her to dwell on right now, especially when she's not with them and that memory seems long forgotten, even though it's only been two years.
two years are just too long when you're completely alone.
So, yes, being in a recording studio with Toni used to be simple. Now it isn't anymore.
At the very least, Toni brings wine.
"Red is still your favorite, right?" Is the first thing she asks when Cheryl opens the studio door for her. She lifts up the bottle of wine in her hands with a smile. A silent offer.
wine has always been our white flag.
Still, Cheryl doesn't lower her guard. It doesn't matter that Toni is somehow trying to act as if the last two years haven't happened, or at least trying to bring a sense of normality to what is probably going to be an awkward encounter. So Cheryl doesn't smile back or lets her in just yet. She stands by the door, staring at the woman in front of her up and down.
"Your hair is brown." She states the obvious, to which Toni shrugs, still smiling.
It seems more real now, even though she's seen it on social media already. Because of course she searches for each and every Purp!e girls' usernames and scrolls through their feed - on a daily basis when she's not that busy -. And if she allows herself to take longer while looking at Toni's pictures, well, she's just seeing how her former colleague is doing.
i liked it pink.
"It didn't suit our image anymore." Toni says, as if reading her mind.
"It's pretty."
i liked it pink better.
"You liked it pink better."
Cheryl raises an eyebrow and shakes her head, spiteful, as if wanting to show Toni she doesn't know her anymore. Even though it seems like Toni knows her just as well as she did before. Cheryl's not about to voice that out.
"Come in." She says, instead, and hates the way Toni walks through the door with a cheeky grin on her face.
"When are the producers coming?" Toni asks, looking around the studio in amusement. Cheryl remembers it's the first time she's been there. That studio doesn't feel like a home to Toni as it does to Cheryl.
she works somewhere else.
"They're already here." She answers, and when Toni faces her, confused, Cheryl gives her a pointed look. "This has to be the best kept secret until the album release."
There's no reason to give people - fans - hopes of having Cheryl sing a song written by Toni when they're not even sure if it's going to make it to the album yet. It's not fair to them. Besides, rumors of Toni and Cheryl meeting each other will only give room to questions none of them is ready to answer. Yet.
we'll probably never be.
"So we're doing it ourselves?"
"That's the idea." When she sees Toni looking around and analyzing the studio equipment, Cheryl adds. "Or I can do it myself, if you're not comfortable with that. You already wrote the song..."
"It's fine, it wouldn't be my first time."
our first time, for all that matters…
"It's just..." Toni sighs. "You really couldn't have trusted anyone to do it for you?"
"Easy for you to talk about trust."
you're not the one who was stabbed in the back by your own group.
Cheryl doesn't regret the way it comes out of her mouth. Nor Toni opens hers to try to argue with that. It's as if it's something Cheryl needs to say and Toni needs to hear.
Toni opens the wine in silence, pours them both a glass and hands one to Cheryl.
"Just drink it up." It makes Cheryl smile a little, and she thinks that's the closest to an apology she'll ever receive from one of the girls.
Maybe it's just because Toni was the one to say it.
"Red is still my favorite." Cheryl says, after taking a sip of the drink. Toni smiles, knowingly, as if she's sure that's also the closest to an apology she'll receive from Cheryl as well.
we hardly needed words.
-
They end up not appreciating the song Cheryl's recorded that first night. Cheryl hates it for some reason, and the grimace on Toni's face shows she's not that pleased. Even though the lyrics, the melody and the arrangement seem to be exactly the way they wanted.
They don't really like what they record the next three nights after that either.
"It feels like there's something missing." Toni says, after they go over the arrangements one more time.
Cheryl nods, because she feels the same, even though none of them knows what it is. Cheryl's voice is amazing, the melody fits her just well and the lyrics are just…
mine.
"We can always try again tomorrow."
"I'm going to New York tomorrow." She announces, and her chest kinda hurts when she sees Toni's face falling.
Only for a second. Then the smile is back again.
"Of course. You're a business woman now."
"It's only for a week." Cheryl says, unsure of whom she's trying to comfort with that information. "And it won't be just for business. Jason's there, I'm going to stay with him for a while." She ends up adding, somehow trying to justify her reasons to leave, even if she doesn't need to do that.
i've never given anyone an explanation as to why i'm doing what i'm doing ever since i left purp!e. toni topaz, what is it about you?
It's like after two years, she's back with being used to Toni's presence again. And it hurts as much as it did back then to be apart.
-
Cheryl is having lunch with Jason in New York when she hears it. She remembers the melody quite too well, and the lyrics instantly come to her mind at the first chord.
almost.
She smiles and thinks about her days as a Purp!e member. Valerie comes to her mind first, because she’s the one who showed Cheryl the song.
“Appropriate, huh?” She’d said, and Cheryl'd looked at her in confusion.
“I suppose.” Had been Cheryl’s response, even though she had no idea what Valerie was talking about. “You wanna cover it? I can talk to the boss. Or you could talk to Toni…” Toni’s the leader, after all.
Valerie had laughed. And when Cheryl looked at her with a raised eyebrow, a cold expression on her face, the other girl rolled her eyes with a smile.
“You didn’t really get it, Cher.” She said, grabbing her water bottle before leaving the kitchen. “Listen to it a few more times.”
Cheryl gets it now, she’d gotten it back then, even. After listening to the song a lot of times, sometimes crying herself to sleep with the song on repeat after an especially hard day, she’d claimed it as hers to cover.
Her first instinct is to record it and send it to Valerie, then she remembers they’re still not in talking terms. She wonders if they’ll ever be again.
well, tonitalks to me now, so i know miracles can happen.
Cheryl sends it to Toni, then.
‘appropriate, huh?’ Is the message she sends alongside the audio.
‘we’re recording a song and the one you liked to sing the most suddenly plays when you’re out of town. it must be a sign.’ Is the one she receives back.
She can hear Valerie’s voice in her head, ‘you didn’t really get it’, and almost sends these exact same words to Toni herself. Deciding against it, she sends a smiling emoji instead.
whoever said it’s impossible to miss what you never had, never almost had you.
‘see you in four days, cher.’
“Hey, what’s with the smile?” Her brother’s voice pulls Cheryl out of the stupor of having Toni message her like that. Like they're back to being whatever they were in the past, before things became too confusing.
she called me cher…
“It’s nothing.” She says, sounding, most definitely, not convincing at all. Jason sees right through her.
“Bullshit. I haven’t seen you smile like that in years.”
Jason doesn’t know about Toni contacting her again, Cheryl doesn’t know how to tell him about the song either. Had she told him the news, he'd freak out even more than her.
Besides, all the resentment Cheryl can not manage to feel for the girls, Jason can. Maybe she shouldn’t have broken down in front of him that much back then.
he’s all i have now.
“If I told you I’m about to do something stupid.” She sighs as she sees his eyes light up in amusement. “Would you have my back?”
“Considering that wouldn’t be your first time…” He says back. “Was there a time in this life when I didn’t?”
“No.”
That’s why she always goes to him.
“Then yes, if it makes you happy...” He answers, stealing a dumpling from her plate and winking at her. “Of course I’ll have your back.”
“Trust me on this one.” She sounds hesitant, but manages to smile at him. “I have a good feeling about it.”
Cheryl is nervous, and scared, and possibly out of her mind, but she does not regret accepting Toni’s song for a moment. She does have a feeling something good will come from it.
and the song is for me after all.
-
They have a fallout when Cheryl returns. A small disagreement that leads to untouched subjects being, well, touched. No one's sure how it started, probably something Toni said and Cheryl took out of context, or a small comment she took as a dig on her brand.
Either way, it's never nice when they have disagreements. It had never been nice.
“All I know is one day I’m packing for our South America tour and the next day I’m being told I’m not part of the group anymore.” Cheryl says, her face red in anger as she paces around the recording studio. She wants to leave the room and stay away from the woman sitting on the couch just as much as she wants to stay and say everything she's been wanting to say for the past couple of years.
Toni looks calmer, as if she's been somehow expecting that conversation at some point. She's always the one to appear calm when she's hardly like that on the inside, so maybe she's not that collected either.
“No one told you that.” She says, and there's no way to argue against it, because it's the truth. No one had told Cheryl she had to leave.
“You did worse." Her eyes burn with frustration because that's what hurts the most. They weren't brave enough to just kick her out, the company had to make it look like they were the bigger, generous, people who would give her a chance to stay, had she wanted it. "You made me choose.”
“And you chose to leave.” Toni points out, weakly, seeming suddenly smaller than she looked before. Her eyes were staring at Cheryl with hurt, as if she'd been the one stabbed on the back.
“Because you made me choose, Toni.” Cheryl retorts in disbelief. "You think I’d voluntarily leave the group, to be away from the girls?”
to be away from you? goes unsaid.
“Wasn’t that what you wanted the most?”
Her mind takes her back to that time, the first time Cheryl and Toni'd had a conversation after a long period of avoiding direct interactions with each other. It was a little before Cheryl left the group, but since then, she felt their relationship was getting progressively better.
as if we were finally fixing whatever needed to be fixed, even if i had no idea what that 'whatever' was.
Cheryl'd had a little too much to drink with Melody and Josie that night, and barged into Toni's room, when the woman was nearly asleep. She somehow still remembers the shocked expression on Toni's face. She also remembers how she'd let Cheryl lay down on her bed with a giggle.
"I'm going to be a fashion designer someday." She'd said, and will never forget the smile Toni had given her. "You're going to wear my clothes, right, TT?"
The response came in a raspy whisper, that's when she noticed Toni was laying by her side, her face far too close to Cheryl's for her to pay real attention to any of the words that were being said. "Of course I will, Cher. Why don't you try some sunglasses as well? I'd love to wear them."
"Sunglasses… nice." Toni'd chuckled, softly kissing her temple as Cheryl's eyes closed. Another thing Cheryl can't forget from that night.
The last thing she remembers saying is something along the lines of 'please don't hate me, tt.' before falling into a deep slumber and being woken up by Betty's careful calls and Veronica's screams the next morning. They had a schedule to attend.
“I’m not saying I would have stayed forever. But leaving you right then, and like that, never crossed my mind.”
-
They're fine the next day. None of them even mentions the argument, or makes a move to apologize, even. It's not like them to apologize with soft and genuine words and smiles, anyways. It's never been.
Cheryl does bring some wine and Toni orders them lunch and dinner. And that seems to be enough.
Recording is tiring. Recording and producing is double the burden, so Cheryl exits the booth for the hundredth time that evening with shoulders slumped in defeat as she sees the same in Toni's eyes.
it's still missing something.
There's no point in keeping singing if nothing's going to be changed, so they both sit on the chairs, drink their wine and start working with what they've got. It's not ideal, it'll probably be just enough to give them an insight on what should be better.
They work in silence for a few moments, then Cheryl is the first one to speak. It's just that something she's always wondered crosses her mind, and it's not like they're getting anywhere with that song so why not talk about other stuff for a bit?
“Did you ever hate me?” Cheryl’s slightly bored and genuinely curious.
“You weren’t my favorite person in the world after you left.” Toni answers, in the most simple way she can, but not exactly how Cheryl wants. Or, at least, not what she needs to know.
There’s no need to argue with Toni's statement, however. Especially the last part. Whether Cheryl left or the girls made her leave will always be a blurred line, a discussion they may never agree upon. The argument they had the day before had proven just that.
Ultimately, Cheryl walked away. Not on her own terms, but walked away nevertheless.
“I mean before that.”
“No.” It’s even more simple than the previous answer, and it somehow surprises Cheryl, who looks at the woman in front of her, slightly confused and slightly hurt.
“It did seem like it sometimes.” Cheryl says, carefully observing Toni’s face as it shifts into a frown.
she really didn’t know.
“Did it?” Cheryl nods. “Is that why you left?”
“There’s a lot of reasons as to why I left.” She says. “Some of them more hurtful than others. But even if you did hate me, it wouldn’t be enough to make me leave our group.”
even if you did hate me, the way i felt for you would be enough to keep me there.
It’s not a secret that Toni Topaz and Cheryl Blossom weren’t the closest members of Purp!e. If anything, anyone who watched closely would be able to notice how the two of them had the least interactions with each other; how they’d avoid each others’ eyes at all costs during performances; or how it often needed someone else with them, usually Veronica, for both girls to be seen having an actual conversation. And even in private, at the comfort of their dorms, they seemed to be gradually distancing themselves from each other.
If Cheryl has any say on that, she’ll argue that it was mostly Toni distancing herself from her. It’s not like Cheryl is going to say that out loud and blame it solely on the other girl, though.
maybe i should have tried harder.
“I didn’t hate you when you were in the group.” Toni says, and that husky/raspy voice makes Cheryl’s heart clench the same way it did years ago. “I could never hate you, Cheryl.”
There’s a hidden meaning behind that statement, one that Cheryl doesn’t know what it is, but knows it exists just by the way Toni says it.
“Then why?”
She doesn’t need to ask anything else, or explain that question. Toni grins at her, she knows exactly what Cheryl’s talking about.
we hardly needed words.
“I’m not drunk enough for this conversation yet. Ask me in a few minutes.” She laughs, goofily, and Cheryl rolls her eyes with a fond smile on her face.
-
“I dreamt about you once.” Cheryl confesses, after her fifth glass of whine. She is, by then, drunk enough to have any conversation. “One of those lucid dreams, you know? Where you’re sure the person is there, you can feel them getting closer and hear them breathing.”
you were trying to kiss me awake. goes unsaid, because the words are almost coming out but Cheryl chokes them down. She’s not that drunk yet.
“That’s the closest I've ever felt I’d have you near me again.” Comes out instead, and she sees Toni’s face shift to something anguished. Longing, even.
“You’ve always been a heavy sleeper.” Toni laughs a little, leaning slightly forward from her chair and resting her cheek on the countertop. Her eyes seem to be closing slowly and Cheryl manages to smile, remembering the countless times she’s seen Toni do that.
And suddenly, they’re eighteen all over again. Taking a small break for the first time after long hours in a studio recording their first song. Toni was in that same position, exhausted, nearly falling asleep leaned on the countertop. Cheryl had rolled her eyes and urged her to the couch in the back of the room, where she’d let the girl lay down on her lap and rest her eyes for a moment while she caressed that bubblegum pink hair she adored so much.
Even then, there was only one thought on Cheryl’s mind. One that she would most definitely not act on. Not when they were in the beginning of their career and had so much to work for. So much to live, so much to lose.
Granted, she didn’t act on her feelings even after they were already solidified as one of the best girl groups in the world.
regrets. regrets. regrets.
Yep, they were definitely not sober.
“I missed you, Cher.” It comes out as a whisper, and Cheryl can’t help but brush a strand of brown hair away from that beautiful face. Toni sighs at the feeling of Cheryl’s hand on her cheek.
“I’m here now, TT.” Saying that nickname again after all those years hurt, but not as much as the pained expression Cheryl sees in Toni’s face when she hears it.
“I missed you back then just as much.”
And that statement itself seems to sober them up considerably. Yet, Cheryl doesn’t lose the tenderness in her voice when she asks for the second time that night.
“Then why?”
Toni smiles, sadly, and raises her head from the counter to properly look at Cheryl. Apparently she’s ready to answer this time.
“I was younger, and naive, and, most of all, ambitious.” She says, ducking her head down, almost as if in shame. Cheryl shakes her head and pulls her chin up.
“I was ambitious too, Toni.” She says, a smile on her face trying to comfort the woman next to her. Toni looks like she’s feeling extremely guilty for something that could never be entirely her fault.
or her fault at all.
“There were a lot of things I wanted as most of them were hard to achieve.”
Toni's looking at her this time, but she doesn't seem to have registered what Cheryl says. Or she doesn't believe her anyways. The next statement comes out as a confession, Toni's embarrassed, and Cheryl's not sure since when there are tears in her eyes, but they're there. “In this industry, there can’t be anything holding you back.”
For a moment, a simple moment, Cheryl burns in anger. Her cheeks flush as she hears it and she tries to, but doesn't manage to hold her tongue.
“I'm sorry for holding you back.” Cheryl doesn't mean how petty and defensive that sounds, but it comes out through gritted teeth when Toni takes a second to wipe her own eyes.
That's usually how most of their arguments start, one of them says something, the other one takes it in another way and they're just too proud to back down on a fight. They used to be, at least.
Cheryl, now, just hopes it doesn't come to it that night, because she's not in the mood for fighting, not when they're having a proper and needed conversation just then. Thankfully, Toni feels just the same.
“I’m saying that I was not, after all the sacrifices I had made to get to where I was, about to let..." She stops and takes a deep breath. As if what's about to come out of her mouth will change everything.
It just might.
"To let love hold me back.”
love.
Then Toni's just pouring her heart out. There are tears, and Cheryl looks at her, understanding, because she just expects Toni to be open with her at some point. Even after all the time they've spent apart, even after years of thinking there's no way to go back to what they used to have.
Toni is Toni. She keeps things inside most of the time, but if she needs to say them, when she needs to say them, they just come out of her mouth, fast and urgent. As if there's nothing more important in the world than letting people know what's on her mind.
Cheryl just knows that. She just knows her. And if there's anything that comforts Cheryl in this world is the idea that no matter how distant they seem to be from each other, Toni will always be the person Cheryl, in the beginning, chose to get to know better, to understand and support, to be by her side… she'll always be the one Cheryl fell in love with.
“I had to be selfish, Cheryl. I had to be selfish and yet put the group and my career first. And even if you, and Veronica, and even Josie think I should be sorry for it, I'm not. I did what I had to do, I got where I’ve always dreamt of getting. Career wise.” Cheryl's heart is heavy at hearing all those words. Especially because she doesn't blame Toni for any of them. Not when they're just too real. And yet, Toni seems to be blaming herself.
i can't act as if i do not understand it when i do. better than i would like to.
She stands up and manages to help Toni up as well. She coaches the woman to the couch in the back of the room, just like she used to do in the past. And Toni sits, Cheryl's by her side, the tears are still falling, but she seems calmer now. Even though she looks like she still has a lot to say.
She does.
“There was just so much I still wanted. I couldn’t afford to… I couldn’t allow myself to love you.”
love. there's that word again.
“Then they told us they would make you choose. That we had to make sure you chose the group before your brand.”
In the end, the girls pressuring her to make a choice was what hurt the most. What made her realize she was all alone.
“It backfired.” Cheryl comments, somehow finding her voice after hearing the word she's always dreamt of hearing coming out of Toni's mouth.
love.
“It backfired. So I thought I’d never talk to you again. That killed me.”
That killed Cheryl as well. The thought of it still hurts her more than she'd like to admit, because she likes to appear strong. She wants people to think she's over the situation, even though she most definitely isn't.
how can someone get over that emptiness?
“The only thing I regret." Toni says, she's staring at Cheryl with nothing but honesty and longing in her eyes. And Cheryl's pretty much the same, adding the shock from the confession earlier. "From all the years I’ve been a singer, either solo or in a group, is the way you left."
Cheryl's not even about to argue, she's already convinced they'll never agree on that. The conversation is about something bigger, it's not about pointing fingers and blaming each other. Still, she hears, in a whisper. "I let you go." Toni's voice.
you didn't. i walked away.
"You didn't. I walked away." She says, watching as Toni shakes her head and places a gentle hand on her cheek.
"We lost you. Deep down I knew it wasn’t fair of us to ask you to do that." It really wasn't. And something tells her Toni is not the only one to think that way. Or that's just wishful thinking. "That’s the only thing I regret."
With a sigh, Toni smiles when Cheryl leans on the hand caressing her cheek. “I guess I could say there's one more thing." She says, softly, causing Cheryl to look at her in confusion and curiosity.
Toni shrugs before answering, as if she's okay with that other thing. As if she's done everything she could.
She has.
"But I called you weeks ago, even though I was really hesitant. Like really really really hesitant." She laughs. Cheryl first recognizes it as one of those laughs Toni lets out when she's shy and nervous, then laughs as well, because that side of Toni has always been adorable.
Cheryl doesn't tell her how hesitant she was in answering that call. Even if she never thought it would be Toni. She also doesn't say the same nervous feeling applies to when she heard the woman's voice for the first time in two years - addressing her, at least. because of course cheryl searches online for toni's interviews, or songs, or social media updates just so she can hear her voice -.
"So I guess I don't regret it anymore, because I had to call you, I had to let you know."
know what?
"And I hope you got the message.”
Apparently, she didn't. And when she looks at Toni with the most confused face, the other woman just rolls her eyes, smiling brightly, despite the tear tracks on her cheeks.
“I wrote you a love song, Cheryl Blossom!” She says, loudly, as if that information is enough for Cheryl to understand what she means.
Truth be told, ever since she's received the song, Cheryl's been hoping that's what Toni means. But no one can actually blame her for just calling herself delusional and deciding to push those hopes away.
“Does that..." She starts, in shock. Toni just looks at her, expectantly, mostly because she knows Cheryl needs time to assimilate it. Cheryl's words are not rushed, she wants to sound as clear as possible.
Because even if, after that enlightening conversation, she misunderstands something, she needs Toni to be just as clear. She needs Toni to just crush her hopes forever this time.
"Does that mean you can afford to love me now?" She asks, calmly. "Are you going to allow yourself to love me the way I love you?”
Toni looks down, and Cheryl prepares herself for a heartbreak - as if their conversation has never happened. as if there's even a chance toni doesn't love her back -.
“If it’s not too late…” Toni answers, looking up at her with a coy smile on her face.
Cheryl doesn’t use words, she answers to that by leaning in.
In the end, it's always all the things they never say.
we hardly needed words.
Toni is the first to pull back from the kiss, with a smile on her face. Cheryl looks at her with fondness and leans forward, resting her head against hers. Relishing on the feeling of finally having what she's dreaming of ever since she was eighteen. Of finally being able to love her freely.
and being loved back.
That night, they sit on the couch. Well, Cheryl sits on the couch, Toni lays her head on Cheryl's lap, just like they used to do in the past. Cheryl caresses Toni's hair as they go over what they’ve recorded.
'there's no way i'm giving up on that song now, tt.' she had said
They listen to all of the most recent tracks again. Then Toni decides to play the first one.
Recorded the first time they met after two years of resent and misunderstandings.
Somehow it doesn't sound like there's anything missing anymore.
it’s perfect now.
“I guess you have your song.” Toni says. The way she looks at Cheryl with bright eyes and love in them, and the way Cheryl's openly affectionate by leaning down and pecking her lips is still foreign to both of them, but they’re not about to stop anytime soon.
“Our song.” Cheryl corrects, and Toni chuckles, bringing butterflies back to Cheryl’s stomach at that sound. There's nothing better than knowing Toni is happy.
She’ll take a long time to get used to it. They both will. Being together after being apart and distant for so long can be a bit overwhelming.
in a good way, somehow.
It’ll probably be messy. But when isn’t it when it comes to Cheryl and Toni?