Kitsey Barbour did not act on whims. Everything she did was calculated based on who could see her at any given time and what they might think of what they saw. This was an engagement party, her engagement party, and everyone could see her. Theo kissed her cheek and left with a man she hadn’t met but had shown up anyway. It was unclear if he would be returning to her, but everyone was here to watch them and see her and she would not let them see her uncertainty. She would stay cool, she would not cry, she would make excuses like he asked her to and she would wait.
And so she did. The party wound down, news of Theo’s “important business” travelled fast and few people questioned his absence. People left, her mother congratulated her on her grace and composure, and Kitsey never wanted to break down more.
Kitsey Barbour did not act on whims, ever. But it was a on a whim that she swiped the bottle of champagne from behind the bar as her last guests filed out, and it was on a whim that she grabbed Pippa’s arm before Pippa could leave with Hobie.
All night Kitsey had seen flashes of red hair and an emerald gown glittering amongst her guests, but it was only now that she saw Pippa’s face for the first time. She felt like she should know her, from the amount that Theo talked about her (an unhealthy obsession that she clocked within their first few dates) but Pippa remained a mystery. Her curiosity combined with a desperate, clawing need not to be alone overwhelmed her and then suddenly there was Pippa looking at her in surprise.
“It’s Pippa right?” Kitsey asked, hearing and hating the urgency in her tone.
“It is. I meant to congratulate you during the party but you were so busy I didn’t want to interrupt. You’re quite an impressive hostess,” Pippa said.
Kitsey wanted to cry, she wanted to break, she wanted to scream but she couldn’t do any of those things, certainly not in her very first conversation with this woman she knew nothing about.
“I stole champagne,” she finally blurted out. She didn’t sound cool, and she didn’t sound collected but she didn’t scream or cry so she took it as a victory.
“What?”
Was that amusement in Pippa’s voice? Judgement? Kitsey couldn’t bring herself to care. She took a deep breath, summoned every ounce of control she had to stop her voice from shaking and spoke again.
“My fiancé left in the middle of our engagement party with another man. I don’t know where he’s going and he might be leaving me. I spent the last several hours making excuses that wouldn’t arouse suspicion because everyone here may claim to be happy for us but they would be far happier to gossip about a broken engagement. I’m tired, I’ve stolen a bottle of champagne from my own engagement party, and I’m going to sneak onto the roof of this hotel and drink it. Would you like to join me?”
Pippa Blackwell did not act on whims. She made safe choices. She dated safe people and lived in safe places. Going up to a roof with Kitsey Barbour, her friend’s fiancé, a fiancé that seemed slightly unhinged, was not a safe choice. Pippa Blackwell did not act on whims, but it was on a whim when she said yes.
And so here they were, on a roof in the cold New York air too late at night with no idea what to say to one another. Pippa was hesitant, nervous maybe, and preferred to look mostly at the city below them rather than at Kitsey.
“Did you happen to steal some glasses with that bottle?” She finally asked.
“Nope.” Kitsey continued to fiddle with the cork until it popped. She took a sip straight from the bottle and passed it to Pippa. The sight was frankly ridiculous when compared to what she knew of this woman, which she was rapidly realizing was very little.
“Did you see Theo when he left?” Kitsey wished she could keep the hurt out of her voice better.
“Yes.” There was no point in lying, everyone had seen him leave. Pippa had been astounded by how fast people around her began speculating.
“Do you know the man he left with?”
Pippa hesitated. That was telling.
“I know of him. His name is Boris. He was with Theo in Las Vegas. I hadn’t met him before tonight.” Pippa didn’t say that she suspected their relationship went deeper than what Theo had told her She didn’t say that she suspected that Theo wouldn’t be returning. Instead, she passed the bottle back to Kitsey.
“Theo never told me about him.” Kitsey took another drink from the champagne.
“After he came back to New York, Theo didn’t talk much about Las Vegas. I mostly know from the letters he sent me while he was living there,” Pippa said.
“Truthfully he didn’t talk to me much about any part of his life. I don’t really know about Las Vegas or when he came back. I suppose I never really asked.” It sounded cold, and Kitsey supposed it was cold. It had been a trick she learned from her mother. If there are things you think you’d rather not know, then just don’t ask.
“Do you and Theo love each other?”
Kitsey looked at Pippa in surprise. It had never really mattered to anyone in her own life whether they loved each other. They looked good together. They were a good story. Her mother liked him.
“I thought we understood each other. I think maybe I was wrong.” Kitsey tried and failed to keep the tremor from her voice. She slid to the ground, her back to the wall.
“What do you mean?” Pippa slid down next her, thinking not for the first time what an odd pair they made.
“After my father and my brother died my mother shrank into herself. She blamed me, really. I should have been at the house that weekend instead of Andy, and that was enough to make it my fault when he didn’t come back. She could never say it, but I saw it every time she looked at me. When Theo came back into our lives she was so happy, and when we started dating she started to let go and treat me like a daughter again. I never really let him in, which was fine because he never really let me in either. We told each other lie after lie and used them like bricks to build this relationship. We’ve always been using each other, and I suppose it’s cold to admit that so openly but I think it’s the only true thing about us.” It was probably the most honest Kitsey had ever been with another person. For as long she could remember she kept her emotions tightly wound so they couldn’t control her, and they had only gotten been shoved further down since her father and brother had died.
“I think Theo lies to himself more than he lies to you.” That had always been true, Pippa thought. As long as she had known him he had always been rewriting his own history into something else, to build some version of himself that wasn’t the same scared little boy left alone by a museum explosion.
“I think you’re probably right about that, but then again don’t we all.” Kitsey smiled ruefully, and Pippa thought that there was an awful lot of cynicism underneath that cool exterior.
There was a lull, they passed the champagne bottle back and forth. More than once Pippa was struck by the absurdity of this situation. Pippa was on a roof, drinking champagne straight from the bottle with a woman she had never even had a conversation with. A woman who it turned out, was really quite fascinating.
“You have a boyfriend don’t you?” Kitsey asked. “I think Theo mentioned him once or twice.”
“Everett. Theo doesn’t like him much,” Pippa said.
“Do you love him?”
Pippa hesitated, debating what to tell Kitsey about her own love life. But if Kitsey could be so honest with her, Pippa could at least return the favor.
“He’s safe.”
“Safe?”
“He’s safe and he’s comfortable. I like safe,” Pippa said.
“That’s not the same as love.”
“Oh, because clearly you’re the expert.”
A flash of hurt crossed Kitsey’s face, but it was quickly replaced by a wry smile.
“I suppose you’ve got me there,” Kitsey sighed.
“I’m sorry, that wasn’t fair of me.”
“It was pretty fair. I did just tell you I was using my fiancé and he was using me and it was just fine.” Kitsey’s eyes burned, and she so desperately wished she could blame her shaking on the cold, but she didn’t think Pippa would buy it.
“I don’t love Everett because I don’t love men,” Pippa admitted. “But being with him seemed like a safer option than admitting that out loud.”
Kitsey nodded. She looked perplexed enough that Pippa was scared she had made a mistake in telling her. Then Kitsey grabbed her hand.
“You make safe choices and I make calculated ones, and we both end up miserable and drinking stolen champagne on a roof. Aren’t we a pair?”
“Quite a pair.” Pippa squeezed Kitsey’s hand. “What will you do if Theo doesn’t come back?”
“I’m not even sure what I’ll do if he does come back. I’ve spent my whole life operating based on what other people will think of my decisions, I’m not even sure I know how to make them just for my own happiness.”
“You stole champagne and invited me up here to drink it with you. You can’t have made have possibly made that decision based on what other people would think,” Pippa pointed out.
“That is true.”
“So there, you already know. You just might need some practice.” Pippa smiled at her.
“I suppose you’re right,” Kitsey hesitated. “Thank you.”
“For what?” Pippa asked.
“It’s insane that you came up here with me. You talk about making safe choices but there’s nothing safe about a crazy woman you don’t know grabbing you at the end of her own engagement party and bringing you to the roof for champagne. Thank you for coming,” Kitsey said.
“Any time.” It was insane that she meant it. She would do it again, any time. Maybe she needed to be a little braver too.
Kitsey Barbour did not act on whims, she made calculations. Pippa Blackwell did not act on whims, she made safe choices. But it was a whim when they kissed on a roof in the cold night air, and was a whim when Kitsey booked a hotel room instead of going home. And she couldn’t help but think that the happiness she felt waking up next to Pippa the next morning might be the most honest thing she’d ever felt.