Scattered to the four winds
The ballpointpen scratched franticly over the paper. Trying to keep up with Maca’s thoughts.
“I hate you! I hate you and I hate that I can’t hate you as much as I want to.
All this time you‘ve been right. With everything you ever said. You were right.
You made me think.
About all these little coincidences life threw at us so our paths would eventually cross. However, insignificant they seemed to be. They were not. They drove us to a common point. They changed the course of our story.
The second that we met life went downhill. We burned down everything we touched. Hurting everyone around us but ourselfes. And when people started to ran away for their own safety, you choose to stay. You weren‘t afraid of the possibility of getting burned. And I was in it for the thrill.
I died once and lived to feel alive again. You lived to die, unintentionally.
Falling for you was never meant to happen. How it did happen is beyond me. I‘d never thought I‘d be the one to fall for someone bad. Much less for someone as fucked up as you were. Someone who took away everything from me.
That falling happened undesired...
At the time I finally realized what was going on it was already to late.
I took the confusion and buried it deep.
I did not want it to be true at first.
But being outside for years on my own. Gave me time to rethink. Time to accept what I wanted to forget.
Do you know that feeling of being followed late at night? Feeling watched while you‘re walking home through a deserted alley? You just get the urge to run.
Zule you wouldn‘t have ran away. You would have turned around and faced the problem. But I‘m not you so I started running. For years I was running but what exacly was I running from? There was no reason, only you.
In all our time together zou kept on telling your stories. I loved listening to you speak.
All of them stories held some truths. Made up or not they hold something sacred for the narrator. For you. They were somewhat like your codex. Appereantly, I had learned it the hard way.
One of that, that sometimes a home can be a person too. That’s what you told me and later confessed yet I never did I answer you. Deep down I hope you knew that I felt it too.
Not like you. That was never an option. Our lifes where to different for that and I have had a home before, when you never did. I found a new one in you. A better one. Because you understood me completely. You found a first. A home.
But all of that means nothing now as I let you go. You knew I would. And so I did.
With it I lost something never to be recovered again. It was something I needed to exist. You...
Everything you planned was for a selfish suicide mission. You stupid bitch. I have a question for you. Did I show you what you didn‘t wanna see yourself as. Did you do it because you got scarred and couldn’t take it. Or did you do it out of pity for yourself? Or did I just take part in your self destructive suicide mission as an excuse to leave this miserable life of yours behind and as a last victim of your killing spree?!
I‘m sorry. I didn‘t mean that. My words tend to hurt when I get angry and I deeply regret it. I did it back then too. You didn‘t even react anymore. I‘m sorry for hurting you time and time again. But being sorry isn‘t enough.
It’s not my place to judge your final decicion when it was me who made the last move to complete this story.
I have no right to do that when it was me who ran away. When it was me who didn’t dare to stay by your side in your last fight. When you were bleeding out I walked away. I have no right at all to do so but I still do. I want to turn back time and do things differently to get of there together or not at all. For I want you back. I need you.
It was you who showed me how to live.
Lastly, teaching me how to live life to the fullest.
Life, with you felt like driving on the high way with the head lights off. Head trough the ceiling arms outstreched. You’re getting hit by the wind. The music is blasting in the background, while you are screaming in extascy. Living the moment. And life is infinite for a short moment in time just before the fatal crash.
We crashed then fell. Because we weren’t mesnt to be. At least not in this reality.
However the question remains the same. Why didn’t you ask for help. Why of all things did you ask for everything but help?
All that doesn‘t change anything. Does it? You left me behind angry at you with no right to be. How can I justify to be angry at you without feeling guilty about it?
When it was you who gave me something invalueable. Something that I will never get the chance to repay you for. Something for that I‘ll perpetually be in your debt. But you left me on my own... Now tell me where am I supposed to go from here? I don’t wanna do this without you.
This is me, trying to get it right this time.
The only thing I can do now is to try to give your lifestory what it deserves.”
But by writing that one thing became very clear to Macarena.
I have failed you.
I have failed you horribly and I’m terrible sorry for that.
*“You know, I got in trouble so that they wouldn’t burn you. I made sure that you got a proper burial. Seemed to be the least I could do.”
I knew you weren’t the most religious but the things you did you somehow always interviened them with it. And when you saw your daughter behind that granit wall you said that wasn’t right so I did what I could to get you burried properly. The way you wanted.*
„I loved you with all of my heart. In secret as I didn’t want it to be true. Falling for someone so destructive but with every right to be just that. It‘s unexplainable to me, how it happened, but it did and it was the best thing that had ever happened in my monotonous life.
Neither want I to keep secrets. So this is me confessing too. Once and for all. I hope you can hear me.
I still love you with all of me. You ran away with it. My heart. So much that for some time after you were gone I saw you wherever I went. You were a face in the crowd disappearing as soon as my eyes got a glimps of you, a blurry yellow figure in the distance, you were in in my dreams too. Every night. Sometimes I’d her you whisper. Other times I heard you hum that lulluby you so often sang. Slowly but surely I was going crazy.
I loved you and when you went away you took my sanity with you.
I could write more but this is all that matters. I love you Zulema. keep an eye out for us will you?“
The pencil dropped onto the table and she picked up the letter. Minutes passed by as she reread her letter. Calming herself and letting her body give in into the hurt that it caused. It wasn’t perfect but it held her mind.
How did it get to...this?
She wiped away some snot from under her nose that had started to drip because of all the crying. She laughed defeated.
How in the world did it get like this?
Her hand reached out for the pencil once more.
We were the worst weren‘t we?
In a neat font she scribbeled her signuture.
„your Puta Rubia.“
Then she carefully placed the letter back on top of the table and reached into her pocket to get out her wallet. In it her own copy of their polaroid picture. She took it out then took it in for a few seconds, sighed and put it down next to the letter.
This is really it huh?
Her eyes wandered around the insides of the caravan for a last time. Then walked around. Her hand touched everything she possibly could. With every touch she triggered a memory.
Her fingers touched the slit just above where she had been sitting a couple minutes ago.
That bitch threw a big ass knife into the wall. Only missing my head by a few centimeters when I asked her to “please pass me a knife” to cut the veggies. If she wanted to she had hit my head. But she didn’t. She was playing with me. And I loved it.
With every touch her smile grew a bit.
What a fucked up couple they were.
Continueing her way she wenr over to the seating area between the table and the kitchen. Touching the cushions.
Here she took my offer and took the drugs.
A dirty smirk appeared on her face.
And here...
Her fingers lowly and barely touching the surface followed the kitchen counter...
...here the fun began.
Fingers followed the path they had taken that night. Ending on the edge of their bed.
Here we crosse the line. Or so we made ourselves believe. To be honest we started crossing it way before.
She lowered herself down onto the bed. Looking around for a definate time.
Everything stays in place, every holiday and Birthday, Christmas and what not will come around year after year. But life doesn’t stop, for no one. The world will keep on spinning only you won’t be there to celebrate them with me anymore.
No more secrets.
We can stop playing.
Stop pretending.
You’re gone.
What we had was distorted.
We didn’t want it to be true.
But It was very real.
Thus It can not be non existent as we pretended to.
Minus and plus equals plus. Basic maths.
Bad and good are only a construct
there is no equalation to explain it.
Good and bad, they go hand in hand
one can not live without the other.
We could not either.
This is a place.
We made it.
A house.
A home.
You.
It exists and so did we. We went hand in hand.
-
25 new messages from Saray. And a couple missed calls.
Instead of readinf Sarays messaged one by one she ignored them completely and texted her directly.
I’m at the Caravan. Can you come and pick me up? An please bring some gasoline.
An hour had passed before she heared a car approching. She’d used the time emptying the whiskey bottle. So that now when the headlights finally appeared behind the treeline they were blurry, blinding her.
Instinctively Macarena held up her arm to cover her eyes. Wonk swaying her way towards Saray who stepped out of the car. She was furious with her.
“MACARENA WHAT THE FUCK!”
“It fine. I’m fine.” she slurred holding up both hands trying to calm the other woman down. “Please don’t yell at me.” A headache was already formed in the front of her head. “Did you bring the gasoline?”
“Care to explain yourself?”
She didn’t.
“Just give me the gasoline.”, she didn’t wanna fight. All she wanted was closure.
“NO!”
“Fine then!” she stumbled even though she stood “still” “I’m getting it myself!”
Macarena stumbled her way over to the car. Rummaged through the cars trunk and eventually found what she was looking for.
While she was passing by Saray she harshly pushed Zulemas letter into her chest.
“Your explaination.” Maca said matter of factly. Hitting Saray with a wave of alcohol breath.
“You’re drunk.”, she grimaced as she stated the obvious.
“I don’t care. Read it!”
Saray unfolded the pages. Already, haveing an idea what it was all about.
Leaning against the hood of her car, legs crossed she began to read.
“Rubia.” She stopped immediately after the first word.
This was adressed at Maca.
She’d been right.
She wouldn’t dare reading it though. Something so personal.
And surely not when it was written by her best friend filled with her heart, confessions and what not.
Saray didn’t dare and less did she care. This was between the two of them.
She would be present but that was it. She wouldn’t interfere.
Zule had called her a few weeks before her death to enlightened her about what was going on and what was yet about to happen.
They had their time for goodbyes. She was fine for now. And now it was Maca’s turn. Zule had predicted this. Even though it had taken Maca longer than anticipated but she was here now. Zulema had asked her to be there for her, for her Puta Rubia, no matter what dumb shit she came up with. And if it was burning down their home, so be it. Saray was there. Watching over Macarena. It was the least she could do.
Sometimes pretending to be strong for others is the relinquishment of your own sanity. you’re doomed to listen to them, while trying to survive yourself. It’s the ultimate sacrafice. The loss of a friend took a toll on Saray aswell. Thisbwasn’tbeasy for her either but she’d made a promise.
“When I go don’t cry. Dance and sing. Will you do that for me?”
That’s what she did, now she had to be strong for Maca. She has no one left besides her daughter and a child that age shouldn’t go through something like that.
So now it was Saray watcheing Macas every move. She could barely walk in a straight line. It was a miracal that the blond haden’t passed out yet. Clumbsy, she managed to drown the caravan in gasoline.
Maca got more rageous with every drop of gasoline. Ignited a fire within herself drop by drop. Her mind running fast.
Evil exists and now it was Maca.
You could have told me lies. Told me how this was all a hoax intended to ruin my life. To make it easier to hate you. To give me a reason to forget and to be unfaithful with you.
Stepping back, reaching into her pocket she got out a lighter to lit up a cigarette. For the second time that night she inhaled the smoke. Feeling it poisoning her lungs. There was a time when she smoked to relax. Tonight, she smoked to die. One inhale at a time.
You didn’t. Instead you gave me your sweet explanaitions and what could have beens. So I’ll burn this to the ground with the persuation that this will be a definite goodbye. Because I know it’s over. I can’t have you back. But where do I go from here? Anywhere at all we are not compelled to do anything. Maybe I just stay here with the ghost of you.
Maca snipped her half smoked cigarette onto the gasoline puddle near her feet.
Deciding, against burning herself. There had been enough suffering tonight.
The cigarette hit the gasoline puddle . Instantly lighting it up. The fire creeping its way into the Caravan. Drowning it in flames.
This night would last forever.
We‘ll always dwell on that night.
Saray had been watching everything from a distant. The fire now brightly lightning up the darkend night, flames cunningly reflecting in her own eyes. Creeping into her. Recalling her past. A past she had left behind already. Now it was Macas time.
You will get there eventually hermana.
Some minutes pass, Maca didn’t move a muscle, Saray got cold so she decided to get in the car to warm up.
She would wait for her, no matter how much time she needed.
After a while, not more that twenty minutes, Maca sat down on the beach. Her back faceing the water. The darkness lingering dangerously behind her back. Calm, black, insidious just waiting to attack.
Her eyes were fixed on the flames. She to was set back ten years ago to a memorable night.
They’d started a Riot and hell had broken lose. That night could have been Maca’s chance to be free. But when she was almost outside prison walls she turned around. Gun in her hand she had decided to joined forces with Zulema. She choose to stay.
The same night, out of mercy, they had granted a friend her last wish.
They killed twice that night. Once for mercy, once for juctice. They were in the right yet inevetably, their actions had consequences.
They had killed but for what cost? Loseing a bit humanity? Loseing their chance in life? It didn’t really matter.
All inmates ended up, in the prison yard, burning a fellow prisoner. It had been a peaceful farewell.
Prison guards and special forces had found them at some point. Not expecting what they encountered. A peaceful gathering around the fire. Humans paying tribute to a fallen sister.
That night the same orange light had filled Macas eyes, keeping her warm. Encouraging her. She had been sitting in the front row. Sourrounded by her closest friends. On her back she could feel a pair of familiar eyes. Watching her from afar. She wouldn’t have had to turn around as she new whom they belonged to. Yet she couldn’t resist. When she turned her head around she found exacly what she expected. Zulemas green eyes starring back at her. She’d been watching. The scorpions eyes tinted in a green so darker Maca had never seen before. It was not furious like they usually were. But rather calm. Sad even. Their eyes locked and a slight smile ran over the scorpions face, sending out a genuine thank you. Filled with much needed courage adressed to her. It was what she needed but gone as soon as it appeared.
Lost in those memories, mentally absent, Maca turned her head around in that same manner. Mimicking that night, with forlorn hope searching for two familiar green eyes to give her that courage once more. A pair of eyes that had ceased to exist.
This time she was on her own. No one would send her a small heartening smile. Reassuring her. Giving her hope for what was yet to be written.
Playing with fire is a dangerous game. Where do we go from here, now that we’ve lost? She thought defeated.
As the flames began to die down, allowing the cold to return Maca found herself seated next to Saray.
Both of them were sitting in the car next to each other. Heater on. Their eyes following the smoke go up in the sky.
Fire’s end. The remaining structure of a burned down object is fragile. It most likely will crumble away by a slight featherly breez. But for now the ashes were lying still on the floor where the Caravan had once stood in front of them.
This story has an end too. And it will soon be scattered to the four wind aswell as the ashes if their past.
Both of them stayed silent not a single word was leaving their minds aloud.
Saray was the first to break the silence.
„You know you’re not invincible right?“,She said when Maca wanted to drive on her own. Away from her. From reality. Disassociateing with everything she still had some power over. Attempting to take control, she not had.
Suddenly Maca was already, halfway out of the car again, Saray leaned over to her side for Maca to hear her better.
„You‘re out of your mind. You, driving while being drunk is the last of my worries at the moment. I have your keys anyway. You’d have to walkback home. Now whatever you wanna do right know. Forget it and get your ass back in my car.“
Maca eventually obeyed. She sat back down next to Saray that however did not mean that she was fine to leave with her. They remained in place. Neither one was about to be moving a muscle for hours to come, after that.
It was obvious that Maca was struggeling. Saray just hoped that she wouldn’t bury everything inside like Zule did. Maca had condemed Zulema for not talking but she was caughted up in doing the same thing right now.
Sooner than later it will destroy you. She thought. Looking at the others sideprofile. With a concerned look.
While giving her time, she saw her fall apart all over again. They weren’t best friends or anything but after their starting difficulties they learned to trust one another. Now seeing her companion like this hurt her. But there was nothing in her power that she could do if Maca would not open up to her on her own account.
On the other hand they‘d been there for hours without end. The sun was already riseing. And Saray was slowly looseing her patience. She wanted to give her all the time in the world but that was impossible. Both of them had a responsibility awaiting at home. Their families.
„You ready?“‘ Saray asked carefully, more rethorical than anything, as she obviously wasn’t.
There were things she wanted to say hidden in those two words.
Don’t you know? I miss her too!
But I’m here for you. If you talk I can help.
Maca ignored her. Stubbornly starring ahead. Eyes glassy and empty, focussing on the black stain, that was once her home. Her expression was blank.
She was a ghost herself now.
„No.“, She whispered. It was all she could bring forward before tears were welling up again.
why is this so fucking hard?
„You will be.“ Saray said. Doubting her words as soon as they‘d left her mouth. But it’s what people say. Never the truth always a vain try to provide some sort of hope.
What she meant to say was:
“You might never will be. Time doesn‘t heal all wounds. You just learn to live with them. They will haunt you for the rest of your life. Shadow over you ready to strike, when you‘re beat up again.”
Instead she said matter of factly.
„I didn‘t read it.“
It would have been wrong.
Maca stayed silent. She couldn‘t care less. She kept on looking at the black stain. What had she done?
“She left us money. Me. But she wants you to have some of it too. She gave Goya and the others fake diamonds.”, a sad smile appeared.
“Hija de puta.” Saray smiled. They deserved it. After all, they fucked up the perfect heist and after the trouble they brought to her two friends... Her elf from hell did the right thing.
“How are you?”, she ignored the money aspect asking her another rethorical question. Of course she felt like shit. But Saray wasn’t out for the money at all. She had her family and a job. They were happy. The only reason why she was there in that moment with Maca was because she had given Zulema her word. The money didn’t matter at all.
“I’m not okay.”, she muttered resigned.
“I know.”
Saray turned on the radio.
what she meant was something different.
I want to get to know you. The real you. The one Zulema saw in you.
Music interrupted their silence.
🎶So lately, been wondering
Who will be there to take my place
When I'm gone you'll need love to light the shadows on your face.🎶
Maisa. Maca thought. Maisa took your place. She‘s wicked. She fills me with joy up to the brim. Some days I feel like I’ll burst of joy. On others, when she reminds me of you I fear to combust with sorrow.
You impacted her even before she was born. You poisoned everything you touched. She was born with your poison inside. She‘ll do fine in life. Thanks to you.
„Gracias.“, Maca whispered.
„Que?“, Saray did not properly get her words.
„Nothing.“, and with that she opened the rare door of the car. Stepped outsideand was greeted by the red light of the upcoming sun and the chirping of birds.
Sarays “Where are you going?” was drowned out by Maca slamming the door shut behind her.
First she slammed the door, then she grabbed the whiskey bottle she had thrown on the ground hours before. Determinded she made her way over to the black stain. Once she reached her destination she crouched down. Fiddled a bit with the lid of the bottle and once it was open, she scooped as much of the ashes into the bottle as possibly fit in there. Screwed the lid back onto the bottle stood up and knocking of the black ashed on ger pants. Satisfied with her work she returned to the Car.
For dear she was holding on to the bottle.
Truth is I will never under any circumstance let you rest. You made me. You’re part of me. Forever
*From now on your fates are intervined you are Identical twins. What happenes to one happens to the other.*
Altagracias words echoed through Macas head. It was true a part of her got lost on the way. Now she was missing something. Her twin.
„Lets go.“
Zule, I‘ll bring you home, at last.
That was Sarays cue. She started the cars engine and turned the car around. Following the graveled road, ahead of them. It’s leading up to the main street. Finally guideing them into a new tomorrow.