The Polaroid
The storm was calming down and Maca was back to reading.
“Yes that day. I went out because I had the urge to stop the process of forgetting. Because if one day I would forget you, I’d never forgive myself.
Gifting you the polaroid was only part of the story, my way, to become immortal and in some way a symbol for how much you meant to me. I gave you that picture so that you could remember the little good I had left.
All these pictures would remind me, even if I wouldn’t remember you per se. I’d see the pictures and recall.
If it ever came to that you could show me the pictures and tell me the story of our life. I would be able to get to know me and you all over again.”
We never made it that far. And how can I tell you who you are when I barely even knew you. You never talked about stuff like that.
We took a picture and I locked it away.
Remorse filled her thoughts.
“We took the picture together and despite my hope you never looked at it again. I don’t know what happened to it either.“
You don‘t?
More a question than a statement.
„Maybe you do know more about it’s whereabouts. I couldn’t find it let alone remember were or if I was the one who put it away.”
I kept it all this time.
She was guilty of robbing her memories.
Macas hand slipped inside her pocket instinctively, her fingers closed around the picture. Carefully, she took it out. Took it in. Caressed it with her fingertips. Following their akward smiles. Always shadowed by memories.
She didn’t know that I had it. She couldn’t remember. Zulema was a lot of things even a thief but it was me. I am the one guilty of robbing her.
The storm slowed down further. Until only the rain remained. Once again acompining Maca’s tears with a monotonos ripple.
“Anyways that day we almost got raped and you fucking killed four people.
I was impressed. Shocked of what you had become. Of what I made you but impressed non the less. I asked you if you were fine and you said you were. Right away you saw the problem with that though. You had willingly taken the lifes of four people and you were okay with it. You slowly turned into the one you disprized the most. With every step you took that night you became more and more like me.
I realized than that you would do just fine on your own. You reached a point of no return.
Concurrently, we were running at full speed towards the gapeing abyss. Damned to collide and then we did.
We crossed the line. Again.
The stress the emotions everything was to much and in searched for something to let go off of all of these feelings...well
You lurred me into takeing drugs.”
And it was a great idea.
A naughty smirk appearred on her face. When memories of that particular night made their way before her inner eye. It was only a vague curling of the corners of her lips but a smug smirk after all.
“One thing lead to the other. I could have told you then. Those three words. But I didn‘t because you could have reciprocared and that, I didn‘t dare to let happen. So they became words written in the wind. Once they left my mind they dissappeared into the open sky, taken away by the wind.
By containing myself I made sure to keep the game going.
At first, we half heartedly tried to fight against our urges until we finally Yield in to what we craved for, for so long.
That‘s one of the reasons I‘ll go. Staying would mean that our inebriant game wasn’t just that. A game. And I was dying on you anyways. It wouldn’t have been fair to admit to something like this only to vanish into nothingness a few weeks later. Causing more hurt than good. We would have lost no matter what and I couldn‘t let that happen to you.
If it became reality, when it was suppossed to stay a fantasy. It would end like passion always ends in havoc. It‘s better this way. Trust me.
We did what we did and it is one of the things I do not regret. I want you to know that. However, We had not considered how this feeling of mutal affection could change our game for the worst.
It does. Look what it made you do.
„That night I didn’t sleep. I slept rarely anyways but this time I stayed awake on purpose.
The average person falls asleep after seven minutes. I never did. But you’re not average either. That night it took you precicely 56 seconds to fall asleep. I counted.
By the way you sleep like a squirill. Mouth wide open and constantly makeing these weird noises. It made me laugh every time, even though it was a pretty unpleasant view.
Yet I couldn‘t allow myself to fall asleep because I had to take in as much as I could. In the time that I still had. Thus I would stay up all night long.
There was something ineffable beautiful in it that I want to preserve. At times I’d even snap a photo of you when you weren’t looking. In a non creepy way. I didn‘t stare. Starring is creepy...Anyways
They were Snapshots of life.”
I did that too, you know Maca smiled exhausted. I also used to drive you crazy by following you with that cursed camera you gave to me. She liked those memories. Makeing a mental note to put the pictures and newspaper cut outs into a secure place. To honor their story.
“Nothing good is meant to stay. That is the sole truth. What we had was simply too good to be true.
In fact you’ll come to a point in your life where you realize that all the good things have already happened to you. We used up our fair share of good and luck in our lifes. So this. Whatever it was. We just didn‘t deserve. There was no good left for us.
Knowing that made me feel things that are inexplicable to me. Alien. The one thing I know for certain though is that all of them hurt in a different way. And even though I shouldn‘t have. I bruised myself again.
I always did. You saw them. Now the time for explaination has come so listen closely because I won‘t repeat myself.
I did it to regain some kind of upperhand over what I felt was running out of control. Whatever that was... (I’m starting to repeat myself aye Rubia...) I wasn’t able to make sense of it.”
Neither do I. I liked what we had. It wasn’t perfect but it was something.
“My fresh wounds and bruised. Scars from way back in time. You saw them. Todos.
In that moment you took care of me. Of all of them. Every single lesion that was painted on my skin. But what did it matter if that night did not exist? If you were to repudiate it?
For you it took place in a non existing place. In a made up scenery. Doomed to be forgotten the instant it happened.
Only I didn‘t want to forget.
Yet it’s impossible to burn nothingness down to the ground. Is it not? You can’t burn what’s not there in the first place.”
I’m in the middle of nothing right now.
Maca understood, this letter didn’t exist either.
It was nothing and this nothing was all they ever dreamed of. Because a dream is only an alternative ending to a much bigger story.