Forgive me Raffi...
The next night.
03:15.
Raffi was warm.
She lay on her back and shuffled her left arm slightly to reach her fingers into the blonde hair of Seven who lay next to her.
Seven lay on her side, her head resting on Raffi’s shoulder.
Seven’s right arm had long since burrowed under Raffi’s pillow while her left lay atop Raffi’s chest, the cold metal of her Borg augmented left hand being warmed slowly by the contact.
Her body was smooth and pleasant to the touch and the curls of her hair held a welcome within which to freely snuggle against.
The warm body was pleasing to touch and explore... atleast to the touch of the right hand.
The right hand felt every sensation, every touch, felt warmth and felt chills.
The left hand was riddled with Borg augmentation far too complex to be removed without causing lasting damage.
Although the hand itself felt sensations, the metal prevented full contact and her fingertips, fully encased in metal, were blocked from having ever felt physical contact of any kind.
Warmth was something she was still not fully used to.
Even now after all these years the warmth of another being still felt unique, strange, almost as if it were something that was not intended for her.
There had been others, Chakotay, Bjayzl, and nights beyond count spent by herself alone in the cold as a Fenris Ranger, or before even then nights alone in an alcove in the cold isolated and sometimes forgotten cargo bay onboard Voyager.
But Raffi was different.
Raffi was something else.
Raffi was unique.
Raffi was forgiving and gentle.
Raffi didn’t judge.
Raffi was something she had never encountered before.
Raffi was Raffi.
Raffi was Raffi, and Seven was Seven.
The feelings for Raffi were unique.
Raffi was an unknown quantity.
Raffi was touchable, pleasurable and made Seven feel safe.
And it worked both ways.
Seven often wondered how Raffi could see beyond the surface?
How Raffi’s caring nature could someone see beyond implants, beyond metal that had been drilled into and through bone?
How she could brush her fingers so gently over implants and not cause Seven to flinch?
Seven closed her eyes as she enjoyed the warmth and allowed her body to relax as Raffi’s fingers, the fingers of her nighttime protector, continued to gently stroke thier way through her hair.
Nighttime.
Nighttime had become unsettling for Seven over the last few weeks.
The last few months had brought yet another wave of change to Sevens life, changes that yet again she had little or no choice in.
Encountering Picard, Locutus himself, in person had been unexpected.
In that life or death moment when she had materialised on La Sirena’s bridge and laid eyes on Picard... for the briefest of moments, and it was just moments, Seven saw him as Locutus and Locutus had spoken her designation, “I don’t believe it, Seven of Nine!”.
Momentarily she had felt in awe.
The Borg did not subscribe to legends yet Locutus was the closest the Collective ever had to one.
Her momentary lapse, recognising Locutus before Picard had troubled her. Internally she tried to tried to blame it on the head injury she sustained during the battle with the Warbird, a huge and bloodied blow to the head which caused her to pass out just moments later.
To recognise the Borg, Locutus, before recognising the individual, Picard, was disturbing even if it had been only a split second.
In that moment of seeing the Borg before the person she recalled the many times people had recoiled upon seeing herself, of seeing the drone before the woman beneath.
It was an unconscious reaction she was used to that, yet again, she had never experienced with the ever non-judgemental Raffi.
Only a short while later had come the much anticipated reunion with Bjayzl.
So many thoughts of Icheb had flowed through Seven’s mind prior to beaming down to Freecloud.
Memories of his achievements, times shared together, of the times she wished him a sweet goodnight from her alcove on Voyager...and then of holding him as he begged her for the merciful death that she so painfully granted him.
Watching Bjayzl burn, incinerating into oblivion, had been a necessary evil. A necessarily evil now burned into Seven’s perfect memory and preserved for all time.
Seven shuffled slightly in her mental discomfort and moved her left arm to hold Raffi, trying hard to bury her thoughts but knowing she was failing.
She knew the dreams, and then as the night wore on the nightmares would come again, just as they had night after night for the last few weeks.
For someone who still prized order and structure there had simply been too much change of late, too many memories, too much unwelcome emotion, all becoming a conflicting jumble and coming out only at night.
Even last week, when the day came and went, she told nobody amongst her new ‘family’ of friends, real actual friends, that it was her birthday.
She had not even told Raffi.
Yet that day too had thrown up memories just as it had every year, The Raven, her parents, the Borg drones reaching for her as she desperately hid, of being pulled screaming from her hiding place whilst crying out in sheer terror for her parents.
The sheer horror of it, the sheer panic... and then order, and then Borg.
All of this, all of this, had begun to assert itself in her mind as she slept over recent days, growing stronger with each jumbled nightmare.
The nightly distress had become a routine.
Sleeping with a low light on.
Seven hated sleeping in darkness, always preferring to keep a small light glowing even just on its dimmest setting.
Raffi hadn’t minded.
Infact Raffi had reacted with a reassuring gentleness when Seven had revealed just how much she, a grown woman and former Borg, was afraid of the dark.
Seven moved again, feeling her own heart rate increase slightly as she felt her anxiety begin to rise, knowing full well that a monster was waiting for her to close her eyes and succumb to sleep.
She moved her head slightly, rubbing her cheek against Raffi’s shoulder.
In response she felt Raffi’s hand move from her hair and gently grasp her shoulder.
“Shhh...”, Raffi breathed with a calming ease, “I can feel you tensing already babe, there’s nothing to worry about...I’m here.”
Seven bit her lip, watching as Raffi turned her head on the pillow to look softly at her with such a simple smile.
In the low light Seven looked away.
“Seven you can’t force yourself to stay awake”, Raffi dismissed and gave a little shake of her head.
With a shuffle Raffi turned herself over onto her side. Retrieving her left arm she sat herself up slightly, leaning her chin on the base of her hand.
“What am I gonna do with you hmm?”, Raffi reached up and gently traced her fingers in the softest manner across Seven’s forehead, stopping to trace a line around and then over Seven’s ocular implant with a tenderness she knew held a calming affect on this woman she both loved so much and pitied so dreadfully.
“I’m so tired Raff...”, Seven revealed with reluctance, looking back up to finally allow eye contact in her vulnerable state.
She hated vulnerability.
Raffi pulled Seven towards her, wrapping her arms around her and pulling her into a secure and warm embrace.
“Oh babe... if I only knew half of what you know, if I’d only seen half the things you’ve seen”, Raffi blinked as her own eyes moistened as she held Seven, “If I could take just half the memories, half the nightmares from you and release your pain I’d do it in a heartbeat”.
“I can’t ask you to do that”, Seven replied, the fingers of her left hand now gently entwining themselves into Raffi’s curls.
Raffi froze, pulling back slightly from Seven as if her own thought process had suddenly come to a crashing halt.
She took hold of Sevens hand, removing it from her curls and looked Seven quizzically in the eyes as she held the Borg hand.
“Wait, wait, wait... Whaddya mean you can ask me to do that? Do what?”.
Seven rolled away onto her back and stared up at the dark deck heads above.
“Nothing, I won’t place you in danger”, Seven’s voice became more firm.
“No, no, no, no, no, no...”, Raffi sat up, moving herself to sit up alongside Seven and look down upon her, “If you’ve got some way I can share the pain, see what you’ve seen, hell even know more about you, I’ll take it”.
“I will not do it”, Seven gave one single shake of her head.
Raffi reached forward, gently placing her hand on Seven’s cheek and turning her face to look at her.
“Seven, Babe, it kills me to my heart to watch you cry out these nights, watch your tears as you sleep, hold you tight as your body tries to fight off things that aren’t there”, Raffi pleaded, “if you know some way I can help you then hit me with it!”.
Seven looked at Raffi, her features softening at the very thought of the offer Raffi was making.
She flexed her left hand, folding and unfolding her metal lined fingers several times involuntarily as she thought.
“You do that when you’re anxious”, Raffi nodded, “your hand I mean. Gets the jitters just like I used to when I’d been off the leaf for too long”.
“You’ve seen so much shit too”, Seven conceded.
“Mmm Hmm, only difference is I told you all mine”, Raffi adjusted her position to pull herself now fully up so she sat next to where Seven lay and pulled her knees up against her own chest, “as for yours, you keep yours all tightly locked away. I think that’s your problem babe”.
Seven closed her eyes, breathing out as yet again her fingers flexed to betray the unease and fear the prospect of sleep still held.
“Honey you need to let me help you”, Raffi reached down and gently stroked a finger over the metal starburst beneath Seven’s ear, “because babe, seriously, what I’m hearing you cry out at night is scaring me”.
Seven opened her eyes, seemingly caught unawares by this new information.
Slowly Seven sat up and her hair fell forwards obscuring most of her face.
Raffi knew this method of Seven’s if a conversation became too uncomfortable, it saved her face from betraying her feelings, her weakness.
Seven looked round, clearly biting her lip again before deciding to speak.
“Raff...”, she began.
Raffi nodded, gently but with encouragement, “Go on babe... It’s just me here, just Raffi, you know you can ask it...”
Silence held out a few moments more, the only movement being Seven as she slowly placed her arm around Raffi’s waist.
“Raffi... What did I say... in my sleep?”.
Raffi placed her own arm warmly around Seven’s shoulders, a tiny smile of gratitude appearing briefly at the trust she felt Seven place in her to ask such a private question.
“Thank you for trusting me...”, Raffi gave Seven’s shoulder a firm squeeze.
She felt the gesture returned as Sevens thumb stroked the skin of her own waist.
“Okay Honey... Listen, it wasn’t all coherent, and I guess it’ll mean more to you than me but...”.
Raffi breathed in and waited momentarily before thinking back to list the more memorable utterances from Seven’s sleep...
Gently Raffi began to speak, slowly and with utmost calm and caution to her voice as she recalled Seven’s unconscious distress...
“This drone is small now”...
“I’m so sorry... my child...”
“I speak for the Borg...”
“Pappa... Help me”.
“Seven you cried out that Bjayzl was hurting you, hurting your implants...You cried for her to get off you.”
“I will not comply...”
“You cried out about being alone... so alone in some dark cargo bay... that the silence was deafening.”
“You hoped to shape me in your own image...”
“Invade their minds... suppress their identities...”
“You mentioned a cake... six candles”.
“Resistance is futile”.
“Red... her favourite colour was red”.
Raffi stopped and allowed a silence to fall as she felt Seven move her arm back from around her waist.
She turned her head to observe Seven.
The former drone now sat with her knees raised and her head bowed into her hands in stunned silence as she recognised each and every memory from Raffi’s descriptions.
“Babe?”, Raffi turned, moving onto her knees to face Seven.
She reached out, gently pulling Seven’s reluctant hands from her face.
Seven sat, her exhausted eyes looked to Raffi as tears welled up within them.
Raffi had never seen Seven’s tears before, and had never even known until now that Seven could produce tears.
“I’m sorry”, Seven whispered.
“Oh God, Babe!”, Raffi leant forward and pulled Seven into a hug, “you’ve got nothing to be sorry for! Nothing!”.
The two held each other for some time, Seven trembling slightly at the past traumas and damage her sleeping mind had unknowingly revealed.
Eventually Raffi gently pulled away, looking Seven over more than once in concern.
“Babe, Honey, I’m begging you”, Raffi implored placing her hands together to emphasise her plea, “if you know how to share this then please do. I’ll do anything, anything at all that helps you, a problem shared and all that”.
“I can’t”, Seven shook her head and wiped a tear with her Borg left hand.
“Why?”, Raffi pleaded and took Seven’s right hand tightly into her own, “Babe... Raffi here’s tripped out on enough snake leaf over the years to blow even the Klingon empire’s mind, I just wanna understand... to share... to know what this universe has done to hurt you so goddamn fucking much”.
“I cannot!”, this time Seven’s voice was raised, firmer, more recognisably defiant. It was more the strong Seven other people knew and saw.
“Babe just tell me why”, Raffi pleaded, “There’s nothing you could show me that could change how I feel, I promise”.
“It’s not that...”, Seven rubbed her own forehead, composing herself once again.
“Then what?”, Raffi needed to know.
Seven made a sniffle and wiped a tear again before looking Raffi herself all over and then into her dark eyes, “because I can’t bring myself to harm you”.
“Harm me?”, Raffi was confused.
“Yes”, Seven sighed.
Seven raised herself to her knees now, kneeling to face Raffi and took both of Raffi’s hands into her own.
“I trust you... I trust you implicitly Raffi. You’re the strongest woman I know but even I can’t ask this of you”.
“Why though?”, Raffi leant more forward, closing the gap a little between herself and Seven.
Seven squeezed her eyes shut for several moments in frustration. Frustration at ever having put Raffi in this position, frustration at her temptation to accept Raffi’s offer, and frustration at knowing what was involved.
“Because to do so would be to violate you”, Seven’s lip quivered as she held back emotion.
“Babe, Babe, Babe, woah, stop....”, Raffi held Seven’s hands tighter to ensure she fully engaged the xB’s attention, “This is where I’m supposed to make some joke isn’t it? I make some quip and say ‘you’ve already violated me’ (and I you) several times.... that way my humour diverts us from the subject at hand...but no babe, not this time, this is some deep, deep shit. Tell me babe, spell it out of you have to”.
Seven paused, her attempt at deflecting Raffi defeated - Raffi had seen right through her.
She removed her right hand from Raffi’s hold, leaving only her metal riddled left in Raffi’s possession.
She flexed the hand slightly causing Raffi to open her grasp and look at the metal imprisoned hand within hers.
Seven turned her hand over so her palm lay facing downwards in Raffi’s hands.
“I can’t ask you to do this”, Seven again shook her head. Uncertainty was clear within her voice.
“Tell me”, Raffi’s tone lowered as she took on an understanding that the Borg enhanced hand held the answer, “or show me”.
After a moment of hesitation Seven complied.
Raffi’s eyes widened and she involuntarily recoiled, startled, as two metallic Borg assimilation tubules emerged at rapid speed from within Sevens hand.
“This is what I cannot ask you to do”.
Raffi fell silent, thinking, observing. Her intelligence analyst mind disseminated and analysed this new information .
She put together Seven’s words with the sight of the nightmarish Borg tubules she now looked upon.
The tubules were a frightful reminder of the power Seven of Nine once held, may still hold, and yet Raffi knew both they and the augmented hand now belonged to the most compassionate, kind and gentle soul Raffi had ever known.
Finally Raffi nodded slowly in understanding, more so to herself than to Seven as the answer fell into place.
She raised her eyes to Seven, making sure to enclose Seven’s hand warmly within her own as the tubules retracted back into the concealment of the hand.
Once again, no judgement, no disapproval, no revulsion, just love came from Seven’s lover.
“Nanoprobes”, Raffi shrugged and made a continual nod which she punctuated with a brief grin, “That’s it isn’t it babe? You can use these babies to share your memories, your nightmares, with me... you just don’t wanna jack ‘em up into my neck”.
Seven removed her augmented hand from Raffi’s grasp, resting it on her own lap and looking at it.
“Raffi if I do this and get this wrong... the consequences if I miscalculate or lose focus... you could end up as.... as another of my.... my victims”, the xB’s voice held a severity that clearly evoked the danger involved.
Calmly the darker woman gave a simple nod and even a small gentle smile.
“Then there’s the memories...”, Seven pushed her blonde hair back, “There are things, events I’ve never fully reconciled, things that kill me inside a little more each time I remember”.
“I understand”, Raffi continued to gently nod.
Seven reluctantly gave a small laugh, “you can’t possibly understand”.
She looked down...
“Being severed so suddenly from the collective, never having heard silence, being chastised constantly onboard Voyager, Bjayzl’s...touch, searching so frantically for Icheb so sure I would find him, so sure he would be okay, that if I got there in time he would be safe, so wrong Raffi, so wrong all the fucking time!”.
With a swift movement Raffi grabbed Sevens left hand and spun herself around to sit with her legs over the side of the bed and her feet now firmly on the floor.
She tugged Seven nearer.
“What are you doing?”.
“Get behind me”, Raffi spoke, almost ordering Seven.
“What?”, asked Seven cautiously.
“Just do it babe”, Raffi instructed looking straight ahead in the low light, determination etched on her features.
Seven moved herself, cautiously shuffling to a position kneeling up behind Raffi, her left hand still fully in the other woman’s grasp.
“Raffi no”, Seven breathed with a sadness.
Raffi raised Seven’s left hand and held it firm next to her own neck
“Do it!”, Raffi’s voice held a strength, “Do it now babe! Do it because you need to! And do it because Seven Honey I love you, I trust you with my life!”.
Raffi felt Seven’s breath on her shoulder. She felt the xB tremble and, if she were honest, herself a little too.
“Do it, please”, Raffi whispered.
Seven shifted position behind Raffi, raising herself up on her knees to make full body contact with Raffi.
She placed her right arm around Raffi, just under her breasts to ensure she had a secure hold to support her body.
Both women’s breathing increased in depth as did heart rates.
Seven dipped her head and leant forward. Gently she placed a long and slow kiss on Raffi’s cheek before slowly withdrawing and allowing a moment to savour the feel of Raffi’s soft curls against her face.
Raffi released her grip on Seven’s left hand and silently let her own drop to the bed.
Seven increased her grip on Raffi, bracing her for what was about to come.
“Forgive me Raffi”, Seven whispered.