The first time you see her, your breath is stolen for a moment. She glitters in radiant reds and twisted browns and elegant blacks, beautiful and dark and smiling, and your mouth water with need and want.
The place is packed with people, tens of people, all loud and laughing and chewing, trays full of wonderful food and mouth full of fresh things, and the force of your emotions scare you, so you turn your head and refuse to look at her again for the rest of the meal.
The people are all the same. Stout men and tall women and laboring fronts. They all look like Joel, hard eyes and easy manners and plaid shirts, but Joel looks as scared as you feel and you press yourself to his side and refuse to move.
The girl is different from the rest. She wears the same clothes and laughs the same laugh and eats the same food but something draws you to her, something that makes you flush bright red and burning hot and you cannot define what exactly it is you're feeling but you know that she's the reason and you do your best not to dwell on it.
The gathering is repetitive. You've attended hundred same gatherings in the QZ. This one's louder and easier and you have Joel as a shield and the tray has better food on it, but the basics are the same and you stuff your pockets, knowing full well this happiness won't last long.
//
The first week in Jackson moves slowly for you, time trudging on slower than you're accustomed to. You're not running and not hiding and not fighting for your life. There aren't any immediate dangers within the town walls and you don't mind the quiet but you don't know how to occupy yourself.
You see the tanned happy girl more than once and you watch her flirt and giggle her way through groups of adoring boys. Even from the shadows, you can see she isn't as easy with her game as she pretends to be and you wonder if anybody else can read the uneasiness in her body.
You want and you want and you want everything you see before you and everything that you don't.
Her dark eyes light up when she sees you and she smirks and makes funny remarks that are not sounding mean and your body shifting automatically to her. Her movements are deliberate and seductive and she cannot resist the urge to make you squirm.
You don't.
She tries anyway.
//
Dina is absolutely fascinating to you, breathtaking and beautiful and so much more than that. She is a glittering presence. She is funny and smart and she makes you feel warm and on edge whenever she's close.
You want and you want and you want and you will take you tell yourself. You will make her yours but you cannot move and you cannot tell her and you are doomed to smile and make snarky comments and watch her wrap her arms around broad shoulders and ruffle black hair and you know you know you know she will never be yours.
//
Anger courses through your veins as you walk through Jackson's streets. You can't tell why it bothers you so much, why it affects you so, but it does and you want to rip and tear and kill at this moment. It's not a foreign instinct but a cold tight angry control you must unleash.
The wind whispers and your control is gone and you are a bloody wild thing, overflowing with bloodlust and ready to hunt.
You are an agent of chaos and nothing can stop you.
Joel's arms are tight around your body and he sinks to his knees before you, eyes squinted and mouth a tight line. You shake and shake and shake, crying and sobbing against his chest and he whispers soothing things into your ear. You know he's lying but you don't care and you let him hold you.
You are too feral and too wild in this state she you let him hold you close, his body hot and solid.
//
Dina is looking at you like Kat used to, with want and need and something primal you don't have a name for and her eyes feel like a slap but all you want to do is grab her wrists and pull her closer and taste her tear-stained lips.
You're yelling and Dina is yelling back and you want and you want and you want everything that she is but you don't know how to tell her so you scream, fists squeezed tight, throat raw.
Dina waving her hands and there is nothing in you that doesn't want to press her against you and rip her top off and you think she is glorious like that, angry and screaming and hating, spitting words and stinging sentences and she is perfect so perfect so perfect.
//
It's easy, once you start.
You grab her and she kisses you and when her tongue enters your mouth it's everything you ever dreamed of and you know how dangerous it and you don't care you don't care you don't care.
Dina's kisses are all teeth and she complies so willingly so eagerly so perfectly as she attempts to get closer and you press yourself into her hot body and you taste her.
She arches closer and closer and closer and she begs in silence and you want to cry.
This is lust. Pure carnal desire and you cannot resist (you will not resist) and you find yourself licking her lips and you come over and over and over again, her fingers firm inside you and her palm wet and when she comes on your thigh, rocking and crying and moaning, you kiss her hair and you cradle her and you don't talk.
//
You hear the desperation in her voice, the need and she wants to belive you are more than your nightmares and more than your promises and more than your vengeance but you're not you're not you're not and her dark dark dark eyes are torture enough.
You are weak and Dina is crying and she holds tight into you but you can't let her have it. There are things far greater than this and the monster inside your chest is roaring and demanding and bleeding and your frustration turns to hatred and you leave.
//
You avoid Jackson and you watch her bloom and you don't press. You bleed and you cry and you press your ruined hand hard hard harder until the pain is too much and you cave.
You want her perfect you want her crazy you want her stupid and you're forever is not enough. She is young and beautiful, scars shining on her olive skin and the boy is growing slowly slowly slowly, becoming something you're not sure you recognize.
You find your way back to her eventually and her knees are bending and you're falling and there are stars in your eyes.
You see her struggle, refusing to take in the delight and you deserve the pain.
"Ellie." She says your name and you allow yourself to fall into her arms as she welcomes you back. You don't know if she wants it but she surrenders and she hugs you and she isn't as solid as Joel once was but her hands are secure and safe and her kisses are hot and you can't but notice she is still soft and loving and gentle, strong in a very special way.
You taint your love with darkness and blood and you need to run you need to escape, but Dina is stronger and she holds you.
You don't lie and you don't run and you're memories hunt you enough to keep you gasping for air.
JJ doesn't notice the change. He has a happy smile and shining eyes and he hugs you and calls you something you don't deserve to be called and Dina has a weird glint in her eyes and
(You don't blame her).
"You came back." She says, her voice raspy and needy and she guides you to the bed.
//
You kiss Dina with something like desperation and everything like love and an ounce of blood and if she tastes blood on your lips she doesn't say a word.
She wipes the violence from your mouth.
She kisses you softly.
"I'm so glad you're here," she whispers. "With me. With us".
"I love you," you say and then again and again and again.
"I love you I love you I love you".
You don't say "I'm sorry" but you think she knows.
You're so happy your skin could crack from the force of it and Dina's lips are soft and warm and she tangles her fingers in your messy hair and Dina, Dina, Dina she is yours she is yours she is yours.
//
You flung JJ into the air and he laughs and laughs and laughs.
Dina says your name and somehow, that word is not damned on her lips.