Mildred still thinks she isn’t good enough.
It was a long day for Mildred. She didn’t plan to stay at work for so many hours, but she had to. They had so many new patients today, all she did was run around in her heels all day and she really wanted to be home earlier. And she felt guilty, so guilty. But it wasn’t her fault or was it? Giving up control, not living the day exactly like she planned to, not being home on time, not having dinner with Gwendolyn all of that was racing through Mildred’s mind on her way home. Home. Another concept she didn’t quite know yet. But it does feel like home. Gwendolyn is her home. The more reason she felt guilty. And boy, she was so tired. Not only tired from the day she had but tired of always feeling like she still isn’t good enough. For nobody, especially not for Gwendolyn.
She made it. She made it home. When she stepped out of the car she winced and realized again, how sore her feet actually are. She shook her head, took a deep breath and whispered to herself “you need to be stronger. Stop being so weak.”
She unlocked the door, stepped inside, took her coat off and her shoes. And just stood there for a moment.
“Mildred? Is that you?” Mildred didn’t answer. She took in the smell. The house smelled incredible, it smelled like food.
“Darling?” Gwendolyn says again, stepping into the hall and looking at Mildred. “You finally made it. I thought you wouldn’t come home at all anymore today,” she laughs.
“See Mildred, you are not good enough. You will never be. Nobody really loves you. They are all getting tired of you at some point,” the voices in Mildred’s head kept repeating.
Gwendolyn was still staring at Mildred and because she didn’t make a sound, she quickly added “I was joking darling. I am glad you are home. It’s been such a long day at work, you must be tired and starving.”
Gwendolyn took a step forward, taking Mildred’s hand into hers. “No no.. don’t, don’t touch me.” Mildred says quietly, while the tears are running down her face. “Please don’t.”
Gwendolyn winces while taking her hand away but still standing as close as possible to Mildred. “Darling, what happened? What happened to you? Are you okay? Was it work? Edmund?”
Mildred is still crying, sliding to the floor. “I am so sorry, so sorry,” she sobs, while staring to the floor.
Gwendolyn scoots down to the floor in front of Mildred “Hey my sweet sweet darling, everything is okay, you are okay. Hey look at me. I am not going to touch you but please Mildred look at me.”
After a long time Mildred finally looks up, looking straight into Gwendolyn’s worried eyes. While she is not sobbing anymore, there are still silent tears running down her face. She looks so sad, so devastated, Gwendolyn thought.
“Can I take your hand darling? You don’t have to talk right now, we will sit here and wait until you feel ready, okay?” Mildred just nods and Gwendolyn is taking her hand, giving her reassuring squeezes.
After a couple of minutes, which actually feel like hours on the cold floor, Mildred says a very quiet “why?”
“Why what darling?” Gwendolyn asks.
“Why are you always so nice to me? I wasn’t one time. Everything took forever today. You made dinner. You waited, for … me. When you are probably starving. Why?” Mildred asks, her eyes still glassy. “I really don’t deserve this. I don’t deserve you. You really shouldn’t be with me, you can do so much better Gwen.”
She still thinks she isn’t good enough.
“Darling where is all of this coming from?” Gwendolyn wonders.
“I always destroy everything. At some point everyone gets tired of me” Mildred says and looks back down to the floor.
Gwendolyn takes Mildred’s head between her hands making her look straight into her eyes, “I love you Mildred. I love everything about you even your flaws and demons darling. But let me tell you, you are an incredible woman and I am so proud of you for working so hard every single day and you are enough. You will always be more than enough for me.”
Mildred sniffles “are you sure?”
“My sweet darling, I have never been surer than that. Now let’s get off this floor, it’s not very comfy and it’s freezing.” Gwendolyn says and gets up first. “I’ll help you up, come on,” she adds while sticking her hand out for Mildred to grab onto it.
Mildred takes Gwendolyn’s hand, stands up and winces.
Gwendolyn notices. Of course, she does, Mildred thought. She always notices everything immediately. “What’s wrong honey?” Gwendolyn asks.
“My feet, I’ve run around all day. I am still wearing my heels. I totally forgot,” Mildred rasps out, while finally stepping out of her heels. The cold floor feeling well on her feet but simultaneously making her whole-body shiver.
Gwendolyn takes a step forward, bringing Mildred’s body close. “You are freezing. How about you take a bath and then you can try to eat something after darling?”
“I..” “What darling?” “I really don’t want to be alone right now.” Gwendolyn immediately knows what Mildred is asking. She knows Mildred. On good days she is outspoken, and even asks for certain things but on days like these she can’t bring herself to ask anything. She needs reassurance and she needs to be shown that she is indeed good enough. More than good enough in Gwendolyn’s eyes.
“I didn’t take a bath yet either and I would love to join. Am I allowed to darling?” Mildred eyes lit up “that’d be amazing,” Mildred says and smiles.
“Come on, let’s go upstairs.” Gwendolyn says and smiles as well. They walk upstairs, never separating their hands. Gwendolyn prepares the bath with extra bath salts, lights some candles and lets the water cook a little bit longer, so it’s a tad bit hotter than usual.
Gwendolyn undresses first and gets in “it feels good my love, come on in.”
Mildred undresses as well and gets into the tub in front of Gwendolyn. “This feels nice and warm,” Mildred says and leans back into Gwen. “Thank you, Gwen thank you so so much.” “For everything.”
Gwendolyn smiles, giving raspberry kisses to Mildred’s neck, while massaging here shoulders. After a while Gwendolyn stops and Mildred pouts. “Stop with the pout and move to the other side so I can give you a foot rub.” Mildred obeys and smiles, staring Gwendolyn deeply in her eyes. Gwen starts giving Mildred a foot rub “oh that feels so so good,” Mildred moans.
They stay like this until the water turns cold and both step out of the tub, putting on their robes. Gwendolyn stares at Mildred, re-opening her robe “You are perfect darling, I wish you could see yourself the way I see you. You really do deserve the world. I am so lucky, so so lucky to have you.”
Mildred blushes and stares at her feet. “I really don’t get it,” Mildred whispers.
“What do you mean darling?” Gwen asks. “Hey look at me?”
Mildred looks up for a second but immediately lowers her head “I just think you could do so much better. I have so much baggage.”
“I love you, with all your baggage, all your flaws. I love you. I want to spend the rest of my life with you, only you Mildred Ratched. You are enough, and I will show you as much and often as I can. Now come here.”
Mildred kisses Gwendolyn, both fumbling with each other’s robes until Gwendolyn’s knees hit the bed and she sits down.
Mildred starts tearing up again and again, Gwen notices immediately. “What’s wrong darling?”
“I am just so tired Gwen. I really want this and you deserve this but I am so tired.”
“I don’t want you to every think that saying no is not okay. Even when there is no reason and you don’t want to have sex; you tell me okay? It’s okay to simply not want to darling. I am not with you because you are sleeping with me. Don’t get me wrong, I love being intimate with you but as long as I get my cuddles before bed with you it is all the intimacy, I need my love.”
“Can we just sleep?” Mildred asked with still glassy eyes.
“Of course, darling. Are you sure you don’t want to eat anything before?”
Mildred just shakes her head no.
“Okay. We’ll definitely make a bigger breakfast for you tomorrow then.” Gwendolyn says and smiles. She kisses Mildred, turns off the lights and spoons her from behind.
“I love you darling. I am so thankful that I’ve found you. I am sorry that the world hasn’t been kind to you.”
Mildred smiles in the dark and pulls Gwen into her even tighter. “Thank you for loving me back, I’ve never had that before.”
Mildred falls asleep first, after the day she had, while Gwendolyn makes a promise that she will teach Mildred that she is enough and that the world needs her just as much as she does. She will do her best to show her just how amazing, beautiful and loving she is and how much she loves this woman.
“You are enough darling.” Gwen whispers into Mildred’s ear before she falls asleep herself.