It had been over six months since the end of the world and everyone left of the human race transcended. Six months and twenty-two days since she and her friends chose to come back. The family they created, this life...it was finally not just surviving. They were actually living, and Octavia didn’t remember ever being happier. Sure, she’s still grieving everyone they lost. Bellamy, Lincoln, Diyoza, Monty, Jasper, Harper, Abby, and Madi. But she’s been working with Gaia on meditating and being more present. She’s trying to not let the grief of the past rob her of her future. Of the here and now. The rest of the people she has ever loved are here with her in the present, and she is happy. She just knows she could be happier, if she was brave enough to try.
She had been spending more and more time with Clarke, rebuilding their friendship. And honestly, after Gaia told her about the conversation she had with Clarke when Madi was missing, she was terrified of losing Clarke to that sadness. That devastation. She understands Clarke now. How she went into isolation after she pulled the lever and killed all those people at Mount Weather. How Clarke has been trying to seek absolution for it ever since. Why she kept sacrificing herself for everyone else. Why being punished for failing the test and living in the universe completely alone would have been the worst possible situation for Clarke. No one deserves to live alone with those kinds of demons. Especially not Clarke.
“You’re thinking so loudly that I can almost hear you.” Echo asks her, which makes Octavia realize she isn’t as alone in her thoughts as she assumed she was. “Thinking about Bellamy?” Octavia glances at her and Echo’s eyes narrow. “No, it’s Clarke again. What is it this time? Finally trying to talk yourself into making a move?”
Octavia opens her mouth to argue and then completely deflates. “No. I just…”
Echo smirks. “I never pegged you for a coward, Blake.”
“She’s grieving.”
“We all are.”
“We have time now, I don’t have to rush things.”
“Rush things?!” Echo laughs at her. “The two of you couldn’t move slower if you tried.”
“That’s because we’re not trying. I mean...we’re...we’re friends, Echo.” Octavia smiles sadly. “Again. Finally. And I’m happy.”
Echo is quiet for a while. “You could be happier, O.” She stands up and brushes dirt off her clothes. “And unless I’m completely wrong here...you don’t look at all of your friends the way you look at her.”
Octavia shakes her head in disagreement, but knows she’s blushing at least a little. She feels warm all over for being called out on it, but hopes Echo doesn’t notice.
“If anyone in this universe deserves a chance at happiness...it’s the two of you. And if you can find it in each other, even better, right?” Echo says before disappearing back through the woods.
Echo’s words replay in her mind as they all eat dinner on the beach that night. She’s sitting beside Clark as their friends talk and laugh around the campfire. She thinks she should feel guilty for being this happy, especially since the rest of their friends and family can’t be here to join in. She glances at Echo from across the fire, and the way she nods at her in understanding, she knows that Echo not only feels it too, but she’s giving her permission. Permission to live. To move on. Permission to love.
She leans further into Clarke, who relaxes next to her and exhales with contentment.
“My time with Madi in the valley, it was nearly perfect. But this...despite what we’ve lost...this is somehow better.” Clarke whispers sadly from beside her. “And thinking that makes me feel guilty, because the rest of our loved ones aren’t here to enjoy it with us.”
Octavia takes Clarke’s hand in hers. “They know. Madi and the others...those who transcended, they know. They’re watching over us and they’re happy. So let yourself be happy, too.”
Clarke squeezes her hand and rests her head on Octavia’s shoulder. She whispers with a sigh, “Don’t forget to take your own advice, Octavia. You passed the test and saved humanity, if anyone deserves to get everything they ever wanted, it’s you.”
Octavia takes a steadying breath trying to build the courage to say what’s on her mind, she sits up and adjusts herself to look at Clarke more fully.
Before she can open her mouth to speak, Clarke continues. “You don’t have to babysit me, I’m not going to do anything stupid. I’m in a good place. So you can go back to Levitt. One of us deserves to have love.”
Octavia numbly nods as she exhales shakily. “Yeah. Love.”
Clarke smiles at her and eases her hand out of Octavia’s grasp, then pats her on the thigh. She lets her hand rest there.
“I know you don’t believe it when I tell you, but you really are the best person I know, Octavia. Good. Pure. I know Indra told you as much as well, but you deserve to be reminded. And you deserve to be happy.”
Octavia swallows loudly and steadies her gaze on Clarke. “And what do you think you deserve, Clarke?”
“I don’t know what I deserve, but I already have more than I could ever hope for.” Clarke smiles at her again, and this time it’s genuine and full of joy. “I still can’t believe you all chose to come back here, to live a boring life and then die...rather than transcending.”
“We chose to live, Clarke. We never got to do it while we were alive. We didn’t get to think beyond war and survival and loss and death before. I don’t think any of what we’ve done in the last six months is boring.”
And we chose you, Clarke. I chose you. That’s what she wants to say. It’s what she wishes she had the courage to say. Echo was right, she is a coward.
Clarke’s eyes search hers and she squeezes her thigh as if to emphasize her words. “Either way...thank you. For coming back for me. To me. I missed you.”
And Octavia knows she’s talking about all of them. She missed all of them. But damn her own heart if it doesn’t swell at the thought that those words were directed at and meant only for her. She rests her hand on Clarke’s.
“Did you really think we’d just let you sacrifice yourself for all of us...again? And what...just leave you here alone?”
Clarke’s eyes skirt away from hers as she removes her hand from underneath Octavia’s, and Octavia realizes that that is exactly what she thought. And the knowledge of it breaks her heart more than rejection ever could.
“Do you really not realize what you mean to us, Clarke?” Octavia knows she’s pleading now. “What you mean to me?”
Clarke inhales shakily as she swallows audibly. She blinks away tears before they can properly form. “I guess not. I just...I know there’s so much pain and suffering between all of us...and that we’ve been through a lot together.” Clarke stands up. “I would have done so much of it all over again...because I really did try my best to save everyone.”
“I know, Clarke. We all do.” Octavia told her sincerely.
Clarke nods and sighs. “There’s also a lot that I would have done differently.”
She studies Octavia briefly before forcing a sad smile and walking away. Octavia watches as she disappears and startles when she feels a presence settle beside her. She glances at Raven.
“How is she?” Raven wonders with concern.
Octavia shrugs. “She doesn’t understand why we came back. She still somehow thinks she doesn’t deserve us.”
Raven’s concern gets redirected toward Octavia. “And you told her that just as you convinced the last of humankind not to kill each other, you convinced a superior alien species that transcendence wasn’t as meaningful if it meant spending an eternity without the love of your life.”
“I didn’t say that...she isn’t...I don’t…” Octavia sputters.
“You fought for Clarke to join us and when they wouldn’t allow it, you demanded to return to her. What about that is incorrect?”
“She doesn’t feel the same, Raven. And that’s...okay.” She sighs. “Because you’re right.”
“I always am.” Raven smirks at her.
Octavia rolls her eyes fondly. Then she sobers. “I remember what it’s like to be away from everyone I care about. Those years in the bunker…”
Raven’s features soften. “You don’t have to explain.”
“I saw how close you all got...those of you from the ring. I heard how happy you were just living...even if it meant doing absolutely nothing just enjoying each other’s company. And I wanted that...for her. For me. For all of us.”
Raven nods. “Which is why we all chose to come back with you. Because you’re right.” She rolls her eyes playfully when Octavia smirks. “Those were some of the best years of my life.” She kicks at Octavia’s foot with her own. “But these last ones, I think will have them beat. I’m truly happy here. And I know the others are as well.”
Octavia smiles. “No regrets then?”
“Oh, I have many. But never about choosing to come back.” Raven tells her honestly.
“Same.”
“Then if you can’t tell Clarke the rest of it, tell her that. Let her know you would always choose to come back.”
Octavia nods at Raven’s words, because she does owe Clarke that much. “I will.”
When Raven apparently decides Octavia isn’t lying to her, she stands up and glances around them before her eyes fall on Octavia once again. “Clarke is one of the smartest people I know.” She raises her eyebrow. “Yeah, coming from me, I know that’s high praise. But she can be a complete idiot sometimes.”
Octavia frowns. “How so?”
“If she doesn’t see what’s right in front of her…”
Octavia rolls her eyes. “It isn’t like I ever gave her any indication that I like her beyond us being friends. And she’s obviously not looking for any signs to the contrary.”
Raven scoffs. “Guess she isn’t the only idiot then.”
Octavia opens her mouth to argue but Raven walks away without a glance back. Octavia exhales loudly and shakes her head at herself. Maybe she is an idiot as well as a coward. She closes her eyes as she takes a deep, calming breath like Gaia taught her to. She needs friends who are better at pep talks, because Echo and Raven suck at it.
Nearly a week later, Clarke and Octavia are working together in the garden. Despite Clarke encouraging Octavia to pursue Levitt, Octavia kept close to Clarke as usual. But she still hadn’t built up the courage to tell her what she promised Raven she would.
“I told you that you didn’t have to babysit me, Octavia.” Clarke speaks into the tranquil silence between them and draws Octavia out of her own head.
“I’m not!” Octavial says defiantly which causes Clarke to study her with raised eyebrows. “I’m not.” She repeats. “You’re my best friend and I like to be around you. We have a lot of time to make up for.”
Clarke’s posture relaxes and she hums in agreement, or maybe acceptance.
“None of us regret coming back here, you know. It’s the happiest any of us have ever been. Safe. Together.” Octavia speaks quietly, but surely, as she plucks a few tomatoes from their vines and puts them in a bucket. The task allows her to avoid Clarke’s gaze and gives her the bravado to continue. “Transcendence is stupid if you think about it. Living an eternity is not for the faint of heart.”
Clarke chuckles. “I wouldn’t have pegged you as weak, Octavia.”
Octavia smiles. “I’m not. Love isn’t weakness...or so I’ve been told.”
She feels Clarke’s eyes on her and turns to meet the stare.
“So...you what? You figured a single lifetime with Murphy was better than an eternity with him?” Clarke teases with a smirk.
Octavia laughs at that because she knows that Clarke has always had a soft spot for the boy that she pretends to despise.
“Something like that.” She smirks and continues picking tomatoes.
“Whatever your reasons, I’m glad you came back.” Clarke says with reverence and compassion. “I don’t know what I would have done if…”
Octavia pushes herself to her knees and lifts Clarke’s chin to catch her eyes. “Hey, don’t...you don’t have to think like that. We’re here.” She scoots closer to her and wraps her in her arms. “We came back for you Clarke. We didn’t want an eternity without you.”
And her heart feels lighter and she feels like she can breathe again, for the first time in a long time. The words are out and she never meant anything more than what she just admitted. The silence stretches between them and she feels Clarke’s arms tighten around her.
Then she feels Clarke shake against her and knows she’s crying. She embraces her even tighter and whispers gently in her ear. “You mean just as much to us as we mean to you. We love you, Clarke. With everything we have.”
She holds Clarke as she cries and lets her own tears fall. She said the words, even though she didn’t say the ones she wishes she did. But it’s enough for Clarke. She knows that it will help her heal. And that is enough for Octavia. It has to be. For now.
Octavia doesn’t know how long they hold each other and when somewhere along the way, she feels Clarke’s hot breath on her neck as she whimpers, “I love you, too” she wills herself not to shiver. And she unconvincingly tells herself not to let the words affect her too much. She tries to quell the hope that Clarke means them in the way she wants her to. But she fails, and she’s okay with that, too.
Eventually, Clarke detaches herself from Octavia and grabs the bucket of tomatoes as she walks away. Octavia watches her walk away from her and realizes that it has become their thing. Clarke squeezes what’s left of her heart and then leaves, and Octavia simply lets her. She doesn’t even fight it anymore, and if she lets herself admit it, it’s always been this way. And maybe that’s why it hurts so much.
“Have you told her about your time with me and my mom?” Hope’s voice distantly echoes in her mind and she blinks back her dark thoughts and focuses on where the words are coming from.
“What?”
“Clarke. Does she know about you and my mom? That you’re...you know...into girls also.”
Octavia licks her suddenly dry lips. “You knew about me and your mom?”
Hope laughs freely and Octavia can’t help smiling at the sound.
“I was ten, not blind.” Hope smirks. “Or deaf.”
This time, Octavia knows her blush is visible. “Sorry you had to witness that.”
Hope shrugs. “I’m not. You taught me what love was. And how it can transform you. You and my mom made the best of what we had...but the way you look at Clarke...the way you are with each other...it isn’t about settling and making the best of a bad situation. It isn’t about loving someone deeply and sharing something that will bring you both comfort and healing while not being in love with them. I know you loved my mom, and she did, too. But until I saw Murphy with Emori, and Miller with Jackson...I didn’t understand the concept of love in the way that they love each other. The devotion and completeness of it all.”
Octavia doesn’t know what to say about that. She knows what those couples mean to each other. And she understands that Echo had that with Bellamy, which only breaks her heart more at the thought of just exactly what Echo lost when Bellamy betrayed them. He may have been right about the end, about transcendence. But he didn’t understand what you would be giving up in order to transcend. If he had, he wouldn’t have betrayed them all.
“Are you saying that you understand now because you have Jordan?” Octavia forces herself to focus.
Hope huffs. “Are you always so stubbornly dense?”
Octavia frowns. Why is everyone always insulting her just to prove their point?
“Why don’t you enlighten me then?” Octavia growls with frustration.
Hope immediately softens. “I remember the stories you told about all of them. How you spoke so passionately about them. I felt how much you loved them. Jordan’s parents did that for him, and Clarke did that for Madi. Me and mom may have been your family, but these people are your life, Auntie O. I always was aware of what they meant for you, but getting to see them and being around them...I understand why you felt so deeply for them. And seeing you all together these last six months, I’ve only ever wanted this for you. I wanted you to find them...and to take me and mom with you.” She stops to control her breathing so she doesn’t choke up at the mention of her mom, and Octavia tears up as well. “Transcendence doesn’t have anything on love.”
Octavia stares at her. She hates that she missed so many years of Hope’s life. That she grew up into this amazing and mature young woman standing in front of her. She may always be Octavia’s little girl in her heart, but she recognizes that she isn’t a little girl anymore. And instantly, her heart constricts with the knowledge that Clarke lost Madi. That she will never have what Octavia gets to share with Hope.
“Thank you for coming back with me...I don’t know what I would have done without you.” Octavia admits.
“I told you I wouldn’t lose you again.” Hope tells her with determination that very much reveals Octavia’s imprint on her life. They are more alike that different.
“No regrets?” Octavia finds herself asking.
“None.”
Octavia nods in acceptance.
“Well...I may regret rooting for you and Levitt.” She admits and Octavia’s eyes widen.
“You what?” She can’t help asking.
“When we were training for the end of the world...I thought…” Hope rolls her eyes at herself. “Until Clarke appeared anyway, then I knew better.”
“You…”
“Anyone with eyes can see it. The loyalty. The protectiveness. After everything...you still forgave her, you chose to come back for her.” Hope steps closer to her and whispers. “I understand the stories you told me as a child better now. It’s no wonder Clarke had always been my favorite, because you spoke about her with such reverence. Even though you never glossed over some of the...more unsavory parts...it was obvious that you admired her, and so I admired her as well.”
Octavia lets the words sink in. How long had those feelings been there? She has no idea because she never had the chance to explore them. There was always something or someone in the way. Lexa. Lincoln. War. Betrayal. Hurt. Pain. She realizes that there was a lot between them, even back then. But none of it was hatred. Anger, yes. But she never hated Clarke, even when they had been on opposite sides of the same war. She did always feel drawn to her though. She was always happy to see her. Relieved that she was as adept at survival as Octavia was herself. And when she finally understood Clarke, she realized that they had always been far more alike than she ever imagined.
“You didn’t know.” Hope states with confusion. “All this time...you didn’t realize you loved her.”
It isn’t a question, it’s a statement. So Octavia doesn’t feel the need to answer.
“When did you finally realize?” Hope finally asks.
“When we were reunited this last time. After she found us and once again tried to save us. To save everyone. Once I finally let myself truly understand her. I think I was scared to let myself understand before because I was scared about what it would mean for us when I did. We argue and fight and tell it to each other like it is. But we are loyal and brave and strong. She thinks I’m the one with a pure heart, but it’s her. It’s always been her.”
Hope smiles sadly. “Or maybe it’s both of you and that’s why you keep feeling drawn to each other. You know each other in ways none of us can understand. That’s what I was trying to tell you before. Murphy and Emori. Miller and Jackson. And you and Clarke. You are who taught me the meaning and depth of love, and showed me how much more I have to learn.”
“What if she doesn’t feel the same way?” Octavia wonders and feels small for doing so aloud.
“Like I said, anyone with eyes can see it.” She tilts her head and squints her eyes. “Except for maybe the two of you. I think you’re both too distracted by everything in the past to see what’s happening now.”
Octavia sighs. “When did you get so wise?”
“I’m no wiser than you, Auntie O. I just currently have less to lose, so far less to fear.”
Octavia swallows thickly. “Yes. There is a lot to lose.”
Hope touches her shoulder gently. “Hey...I only meant that I could be objective about it. Not that you actually have to fear losing her. Remember...we can all see what you mean to her. There is nothing you are at risk of losing...but everything to gain.”
Octavia closes her eyes and calms her breathing. She starts to allow herself to hope. Then her eyes pop open as she smiles. Hope. She’s right in front of her. And she’s telling her that she has a good chance of getting everything she never knew she always wanted.
“You really think I have a chance with her?” She sounds like the child now and she is fully aware of it.
“I think that you have more than a good chance...and I look forward to you getting your happy ending, Auntie O.”
Octavia smiles and hugs her. She carries that smile with her the rest of the afternoon, until early evening when Clarke finds her again.
“Happiness looks good on you, Octavia.” She tells her like she doesn’t realize that she is part of that happiness.
“I am happy.” She looks at Clarke. “Are you?”
Clarke seems to startle at the question before recovering. “I am. Very.”
They share a comfortable silence together before Clarke speaks again.
“I saw you and Hope talking earlier, I thought it seemed intense but you were smiling by the end, so I guess I was wrong.”
“We had a lot to talk about.” Octavia steps fully toward Clarke as she continues. “Did you know that the ten years we spent together...did you know that Diyoza and I were together?”
Clarke’s eyes widen briefly before her features become unreadable. “I didn’t. I’m sorry that we lost her, I know how hard that must be for you and Hope.”
Octavia tries to read the words beneath the surface. She tries to see and understand the way she used to. Her eyes widen at what she thinks may be there.
“I loved her very much, it’s true. But we weren’t in love...not the way that…”
“That you loved Lincoln?” Clarke guesses incorrectly. Or perhaps correctly, but not completely.
“I loved Lincoln like you loved Lexa. He was my first, as I assume she was your first love.” She ventures into a topic they never explored before.
Clarke nods. “She was, yes.”
“And that didn’t diminish the love I shared with Diyoza, it was just as strong but in a different way.”
“It was more companionship and intimacy than attraction and lust?” Clarke guesses. She is correct this time.
“Yes. I think sometimes, I use sex to connect with people when I feel most vulnerable and lost.”
“I did that with Niylah and I still feel bad about using her that way. Now that we’re friends and I see that she’s a really great person, I know she didn’t deserve it. Not that she would have deserved it anyway.”
A twinge of jealousy and hurt pierce Octavia’s heart but she tries not to dwell on the past. She makes sure Clarke is looking her in the eyes. “That’s how I feel with Levitt.”
Clarke doesn’t react at first, then she drops her eye contact and swallows. “So you don’t love him?”
“No.” Octavia shakes her head to emphasize her response.
“For the test...to save humanity...which I failed, but…” Clarke seems to fold inside herself. “The sentient being takes the image of someone important to you. Someone you love or admire. I saw Lexa.”
Octavia nods because Raven told her as much when she told her she saw Abby. Octavia had wondered at the time who she would have seen. Would it have been Lincoln or Diyosa? She isn’t sure she would have been ready to see either of them. She wonders how seeing Lexa affected Clarke, but isn’t brave enough to ask. Not yet.
“After Lexa...I didn’t think I could ever love someone again. Then I met Madi and I was able to live for someone else. She gave me purpose and loved me back in a way that I never thought could happen again. Not after what I’ve done.”
“Clarke…”
“Loving her allowed me to love myself again. Once you open yourself up to love...when you realize how capable you are at it despite being broken...letting Madi go was the most selfless thing I have ever done. I miss her like hell, but I don’t regret it. Not the way I regret other things.”
“I felt that way after Lincoln and Blodreina until I got to raise Hope with Diyosa. And you’re right, opening yourself up to love again after losing so much can be terrifying but also...it’s healing and all-encompassing and it changes you in so many wonderful ways that I could never imagine before.”
They fall into silence again and Octavia breathes in Clarke’s essence, soaking in the comfort and joy she gets just being in her presence.
“I think the reason I fought so hard to keep from forgiving you was because it would mean I had to forgive myself and I wasn’t ready for that yet.” Octavia admits quietly. “It was never because I actually hated you, Clarke. I think it’s because I didn’t hate you that it hurt so much when I felt like you betrayed me.”
Clarke watches her intently as her eyes roam over Octavia’s features and Octavia wills her to see what is there. To feel what she feels.
“I guess we’re finally having this talk then.” Clarke says as she sighs and sits down in the grass without preamble. “It is long overdue, I suppose.”
And the way Clarke says it, Octavia sadly realizes that they have prepared for two completely different conversations, and that she has no idea where Clarke is about to lead them.
“Just so you know...in Polis, when you told me to come with you back to our people, or else, I wasn’t who you thought I was…” Clarke inhales and exhales with determination and precision. “I chose you. And our people. I planned to come back...after I said goodbye to Lexa.”
Octavia raises a questioning eyebrow. “Say goodbye?”
Clarke rolls her eyes. “Yes, we had sex. Goodbye sex. And then I packed my things and planned to meet you, but she was shot and…”
“And everything happened so fast and then we were separated for six years and then on opposite sides of a war I was determined to fight.” Octavia finishes.
She admits to herself that any hope she had when Clarke said she chose her is dashed by her admittance of sleeping with Lexa despite professing she had made the choice to leave her.
“Yeah. But I wanted you to know, I always hated the idea that I had fallen from grace in your eyes.” Clarke tells her.
“Clarke...you were never on a pedestal or anything, it’s not like I expected more from you than anyone else.”
This time it is Clarke who raises her eyebrow in silent rebuttal.
“Fine!” Octavia grins. “I only expected more of you because you were the best person I knew and that was unfair to put all of that on you. If my doing so contributed to your martyr complex then I am sincerely sorry.”
“I don’t have a martyr complex.” Clarke argues.
“And I don’t have a chip on my shoulder from my blodreina days.” Octavia counters.
“I just feel like I made so many wrong decisions because I was forced into a leadership role that I was not ready for...and I’ve just been working to make up for all of them. But there were so many sins that I may never fully find the absolution I’m looking for.”
“You think you’re irredeemable and undeserving of happiness because you feel like you stole it from so many others.” Octavia concludes.
“Something like that.”
“But you said Madi loving you changed that.”
“It did...until I killed Bellamy and failed a test that nearly doomed humankind. Now I’m trying to absolve myself of those sins.”
“No one blames you for Bellamy, least of all me.” Octavia points out. “And the only reason you failed the test was that they don’t understand us as humans. They didn’t understand that your choices were selfless not selfish. They didn’t understand that sometimes you have to make sacrifices when you love someone. They didn’t understand that humanity, though capable of war and all of those atrocities that go with it, that we are also capable of good and beautiful things. The least of which is love. Had they understood love at all, they would have no need for transcendence. Not in the way they believe it anyway. Transcending war and hatred and selfish human desires like greed and lust and all the things that lead to us hurting each other is something we should all strive for. To be better than our worst mistakes. And to get the chance to seek redemption for them. They only saw us at our worst, they never gave us a chance to be our best. And they certainly don’t understand love, otherwise they would not have been so confused when we asked to come back.”
“Is that what you told them to convince them to let you return?” Clarke asks quietly and Octavia realizes that she knows. Clarke smiles at her. “Raven told me it was you who convinced them.” She takes Octavia’s hand in her own and interlaces their fingers. “Why didn’t you tell me?”
“Because you had a hard enough time believing that we didn’t regret being here, I didn’t want you to put more pressure on yourself to feel like you had to be worthy of our choice to stay with you.”
Clarke’s eyes bore into her and Octavia exposes her soul to be seen and hopefully understood. She needs Clarke to get it. To understand her so deeply the way that she now understands Clarke.
“I think I finally accept that you made the choice and don’t regret it. I know that you love me now. And I...I will never be able to explain to you what that means to me.”
“I know, Clarke. I told you before, I understand you now.” Octavia squeezes Clarke’s hand and brings it up to her lips. “I think I always did. We always had a connection, ever since the beginning.”
“We did.” Clarke’s eyes drop to their linked hands and smiles. “I’m glad we have each other, all of us. And I’m glad you had ten good years with Diyoza. Like I said, happiness looks really good on you.”
And with that, once again Clarke is gone. Octavia blinks her confusion away. Clarke had been right, they did need that talk. But that isn’t the only talk they needed to have, and now more than ever, Octavia believes she might be ready for it. She can feel their connection. She can see how much Clarke loves her. She just hopes it’s the same kind of love Octavia feels for her. And for the first time, she’s starting to think that it is.
A few days later, Levitt finds Octavia in the woods as she’s rehearsing the love confession she plans to give to Clarke.
“It’s a great speech, but wholly unnecessary. Just tell her you’re in love with her and kiss her.” He pauses. “Ask permission first.”
Octavia stops pacing and turns to face him. “You really think it’s that easy?”
“I fell for you because I saw all the things you did, the life you had, the experiences. I thought I knew you and that I was the only one who really understood you or saw you...but I only saw your memories and thoughts and I felt what you felt because I was in your brain.” He pauses and seems to be gathering his words to find the right ones. “I was in Clarke’s brain for a little while, too.”
Octavia’s eyes widen. She feels like that admission is some kind of violation. Of course she knew it was his job and that he is a better person than most...but knowing that he might somehow know Clarke as intimately as he feels he knows her makes her cringe.
“I can see why you care about her...I didn’t even realize the depth of it at first and when I did, I didn’t mention it because you never mentioned it. But it was all there...in your memories.”
Octavia remains silent as she urges him to continue with a gesture she hopes portrays get on with it then.
“Clarke’s just as fascinating as you are...all the things she’s experienced and endured. And the memories she has of her friends...of you...they are intense. Having grown up without love...not the way you all love each other, but the universal love for all human beings...I never understood it. I don’t think anyone who hasn’t experienced it could adequately explain or describe it.”
“Is there a point to this?” She sighs impatiently.
“Clarke loves you. Like you love her. And you’re both too scared of rejection or maybe wallowing in self-pity to see what’s right in front of you. And I know the others have been trying to encourage you, but frankly, we are all getting sick of you wasting what time you have left dancing awkwardly around something that the rest of us can see so clearly.”
She stares at him blankly, not sure how to let it all sink in.
“Do you remember the day you went swimming and a sea monster or something attacked your friend Jasper?”
Octavia rolls her eyes. “You know I do, it was in my memories.”
He shakes his head. “This wasn’t your memory. This was Clarke’s. And she wasn’t thinking of the monster or Jasper...she was thinking of you in a bikini and she liked what she saw.”
Octavia lets that settle in her heart and it feels strong and steady and warm and a little like hope.
“And your conversation about her leaving with you and returning to your people, she thinks about that a lot, it’s a strong memory for her. And when she saw you again...each time you were reunited….”
Octavia raises her hand. “Stop. I appreciate what you’re trying to do, but please...these are her memories and I want to hear things from her not from you because you took it upon yourself to delve into our brains. Let us have our memories...please? Let them be ours…”
He nods sadly. “Of course, you’re right. I’m sorry.”
“I know.”
“I just meant to say...that you matter to her. More than you may ever realize. And maybe more than she understands. But that...she understands you. More than I ever could because she didn’t need to steal your memories to do it. She was there for all of them. And she does understand. She sees you. That’s all I meant to say. I’m sorry that I overstepped.”
She rolls her eyes. “Come on, as far as sins go...you have a lot of catching up to do.”
He smiles at that. “I learned so much from you, Octavia. I want you to know that I didn’t come back to be with you or fight for you, or come between you and Clarke. I came back because I finally understand that living is worth dying for.”
She returns his smile. “I like that. Living is worth dying for. I wouldn’t change this life, as short as it may be, for all of eternity.”
“Love is what transcends.”
And she agrees with him about that. And she knows what Clarke meant by regretting using someone to make herself feel a little less lonely.
“I’m sorry.” She tells him.
“You don’t get to choose who you love, Octavia. Don’t apologize for not loving me.”
“I’m apologizing for using you knowing that I didn’t love you.”
He frowns and looks at her sadly. “Oh, well, thank you for the apology.”
“I think I’m finally ready to talk to Clarke. For real this time.” She tells him instead of dwelling on things she cannot change.
“We’re all rooting for you.”
She hears him say as she walks away.
She finds Clarke walking alone down the beach. She has her shoes in her hands and is walking barefoot. Octavia stops and watches her for a few minutes, taking her in. Clarke looks so at peace, so content. And Octavia smiles to herself at the thought that happiness looks really good on Clarke Griffin.
After she takes a deep, grounding breath, she resolutely makes her way toward the girl who stole her heart. She is idly aware that the others are not so subtly watching her, and even catches Jordan enthusiastically giving her a thumbs up which prompts Raven and Echo to laugh out loud. It’s their laughter that catches Clarke’s attention, and she stops mid-stride when she notices Octavia approaching her.
“Hey.” Clarke’s whole face lights up when she sees her and Octavia curses herself for never realizing how often that happens.
“Hey.”
The smile on Clarke’s face dims as she takes in Octavia’s demeanor. “What is it, what’s wrong?”
She takes a few quick steps until they are face to face and Clarke is well within Octavia’s personal space. She worries Clarke can see her swallow back her fear, or that she can hear the frantic beating of Octavia’s heart, or that she can feel the love as it radiates off her in waves of affection and admiration.
“Nothing. I’m happier than I’ve ever been, surrounded by everyone I love. Nothing could possibly be wrong now.”
Clarke relaxes at the words. “Then what is it?”
Octavia steps closer and when Clarke doesn’t back away, she searches for admission. For approval. For anything that will encourage her to continue.
“Octavia…” Clarke breathes out as her eyes drop to Octavia’s lips briefly before re-settling firmly on her eyes.
Octavia licks her lips and Clarke’s eyes follow the movement. She reaches out and rests her palm softly on Clarke’s cheek and revels in the sharp inhalation of breath as Clarke’s eyes fall closed.
“Please, Octavia…” Clarke whimpers, then opens her eyes and rests her hand atop of Octavia’s. “If you need this...connection or whatever...I’ll do it. I’d do anything for you. I just need to know what it is you want out of this...so I don’t let myself hope for something that isn’t there.”
Octavia frowns and brushes her thumb across Clarke’s lips which causes them both to shiver and then smile at each other in shared embarrassment.
“This isn’t me being lonely or trying to fill a void...Clarke...don’t you know how much you mean to me? How much I love you? This isn’t like with Diyoza or Levitt...I don’t even know if this is like it was with Lincoln. Because he may have been my first...but you are my everything. And it terrifies me how much I love you. How much I need you and crave you. It’s like I can never get enough...and yet, I never want to stop trying. It’s...I chose to spend a lifetime with you instead of an eternity without you. I choose you. In every way you’ll let me have you. I’m yours for the rest of our lives...or as long as you’ll have me. I…”
She’s cut off by Clarke’s lips on hers as she pulls her further into her and clings to her as if her life depends on it, and maybe it does. Octavia sinks into the kiss and it is everything she hoped for and more...and still not enough. Never enough. One lifetime with Clarke will never be enough.
They pull apart to catch their breaths and rest their foreheads on each other as they share a soft smile. Octavia searches her eyes for regret but finds none.
“I love you, too.” Clarke tells her as she kisses her softly again.
“I had a whole speech prepared, you didn’t even let me get through half of it.” Octavia teases; not that she’s disappointed.
“We’ll have a lifetime for you to finish it. But don’t you think we’ve wasted enough time already?”
She smiles at Clarke in awe. “Is this real?”
“I love you Octavia Blake, in so many ways that I still don’t understand.” She traces Octavia’s lips with her fingers. “But I don’t mind taking the time to figure it all out...together. I’m yours as well...for as long as you’ll have me.”
Octavia smirks. “How does forever sound to you?”
Clarke licks her lips and smiles as her eyes shine with a happiness Octavia had never seen on her features before. “Not long enough, honestly.”
Octavia laughs because she understands. And she’s never been happier to be understood. Clarke Griffin loves her, and she is also a really good kisser. But then again, Clarke Griffin has always been great at everything she set her mind to. Octavia surges forward at the thought and claims her lips again. The distant sounds of cheering from all their friends in the background only make her impossibly happier.