Chapter 3
Clarke and Lexa existed somewhere between childhood and adulthood. They were standing on the precipice of a new journey, with choices to make that would affect their future selves. Neither girl had ever really speculated about a summer romance. Especially Clarke. Yet here they were being thrust into feelings that could open up doors or derail established plans. Mere hours after the official end of their time in high school, the girls found their minds filled with more questions than answers. The topics that consumed their thoughts intersected at a single point; each other. They needed time to explore and research, and as it would prove, time was their greatest limiting factor.
Clarke had finally crashed after being awake for more than 24 hours. When she was eventually roused in the early afternoon, it was to the sound of guests arriving for her graduation party. She quickly showered, dressed, and headed out to greet the well wishers who were mostly extended family. There were gifts, pats on the back, and so many memories. An uncle spoke of a time when she was caught sneaking whip cream off pies on Thanksgiving as a toddler, while an aunt reminisced about a family cruise to The Bahamas. Physically she was present and attentive to her guests. Mentally she replayed the night before on repeat; wondering if she should’ve said or done anything differently. She didn’t regret kissing Lexa, but only wished she’d done it sooner. She thought about the statistical improbability of a summer romance being anything but that, however, she had also thought it impossible that she would ever kiss Lexa Woods. Clarke allowed herself to fantasize about all the wonderfully probable things she could share with Lexa over the next three months.
Lexa sat on her bed, knees drawn to her chest, touching the spot where Clarke’s lips had been pressed against her earlier. She had only two things on her mind: the way she felt when she was anywhere near Clarke, and if those feelings made her gay. Despite her expansive vocabulary, with a 1560 SAT score to back her up, she could not find the right words to describe how she felt in that moment. Instead she just imagined 1000 butterflies fluttering around in her belly, and all of them were burdened with tiny weights tied to them by little strings. She knew she needed to see Clarke again and soon. Her mother interrupted her thoughts when she knocked on her door and poked her head in. She had come to remind her to finalize her packing list for Hawaii. Just like that, the butterflies vanished and all the tiny weights fell simultaneously to the pit of her stomach which nearly caused the brunette to double over. She didn’t have all summer to figure this out, she only had a week until she left to stay with family in Oahu, and she wouldn’t return until the end of August.
Clarke woke up the next morning with Lexa on her mind. She realized she had never gotten Lexa’s number, but did have her AOL instant messenger screen name; NerdyNinja. She logged on to the internet and sent a message to her friend: “Hey it’s Clarke, can you call me ASAP? 317-555-8682.” She got an instant reply in the form of an away message. The metaphorical ball was no longer in her court now, and all she could really do was wait. It felt like the only thing she accomplished in the meantime was to pace the room and bite her nails short. To help pass the time, Clarke decided she would make a mix CD of her favorite songs to give to Lexa, so she started a download on Limewire. Knowing that her computer would be tied up for hours forced her to try and focus on something else. Anything else. She laid back on her bed and tossed a small stuffed penguin up in the air several times, engaging in her own personal game of catch. Mid-toss, she became distracted by a telephone ringing, and the penguin landed on her face with a dull thump. Unfazed, she leapt from her bed and raced to the kitchen to beat her family to the phone. Her heart raced as she picked up the cordless phone to greet whoever had called, obviously hoping it was Lexa. There was a brief pause after she answered, and then she heard her voice. Excitement manifested as a flutter in her stomach, as she made her way back to her room with the phone in tow. Once safely behind closed doors, Clarke continued their conversation.
“Hey, I’m so glad you called! How are you?”
“I’m okay, are you okay? Your instant message seemed kinda urgent.”
Clarke had indeed felt a sense of urgency when she originally sent the message, but only because she really wanted to spend time with Lexa. She felt silly in the moment, and was relieved the other girl couldn’t see her cheeks turn red.
“Uhm, yeah I’m totally fine, sorry if you worried. I just wanted to see if you maybe wanted to hang out...sometime?”
Lexa found it hard to breathe. She definitely wanted to spend every second she could with Clarke. It was a need that rooted itself firmly in her chest, but the knowledge of how little time they’d be allowed, had temporarily stolen the air from her lungs. Her breath audibly hitched as she finally filled the pause in their conversation with three words: “I’m free now.” The girls quickly made plans to meet up at a local park within the hour. Lexa fretted about what to wear for the first time in a long time. She decided to go with a simple black cami paired with low-rise jeans. Something she could, and would, never wear to school because it exposed her midriff. The outfit was bold for her, but also cute, so she swallowed down her insecurities and decided to save being scared for when she had to tell Clarke she’d be leaving for the summer. The drive to the park was short, however, the walk down the trail to where they had agreed to meet took longer. She eventually reached the clearing which exposed a picturesque duck pond with a small dock and ornate wooden benches that lined its shore. The only person there was Clarke, who was sitting on the edge of the dock, dangling her feet into the water. She quietly approached and lowered herself to sit next to her. The other girl turned her head and smiled, warmly acknowledging her presence, and causing a stir of feelings inside Lexa. She discarded her shoes, and rolled up her pants, so that she could also dip her toes in the water. Like always, they sat in quiet contentment for a while, until Lexa felt a soft warmth graze her hand. She looked down to see that Clarke had moved her hand so close to her own, that they touched pinkies. It was such small thing, and would have been discarded as insignificant had Lexa not experienced the soft warmth of Clarke’s lips the day before. She took a breath and looked up to catch the gaze of deep blue eyes staring back at her own.
Clarke’s heart pounded in her chest, and her stomach was a twisted knot of nerves, yet she felt compelled to tell Lexa how she felt about her. She needed that knowledge to be out in the universe, so that if something were to come of it, they could get to that something as soon as possible. She looked away for a moment, bit her bottom lip, and then turned back towards Lexa. The sun seemed to make the traces of caramel in Lexa’s skin shimmer gold and highlight her delicate features. Clarke swallowed hard and focused on Lexa’s crimson lips, while she all but blurted out “I like you Lexa...and I think you might like me back.” The crimson lips parted to speak: “Of course I like you Clarke.” There was a pause which neither girl immediately filled; a quiet tension that hung in both of their throats. Clarke spoke up first, saying “But...I like you A LOT. Like more than friends. In a way that I’ve never shared with another girl. Do you get what I’m saying?” Clarke felt a gentle caress of her cheek, similar to the times Lexa had wiped away her tears in the past. She looked back at the crimson lips, which were smiling, and found them inching their way closer to her own. Clarke closed her eyes and felt a pillow like warmth envelop her lips with gentle pressure. After a long moment, the girls eased their lips apart, and Clarke heard the words she was hoping Lexa would say: “I think I understand. I like you A LOT too.”
Lexa’s smile beamed in her emboldened state, as she silently hoped Clarke felt the same tingle on her lips as she experienced when they touched. Lexa laid her hand over Clarke’s and gently curled her fingers around the other girl’s slender digits. A new kind of tension filled the air between them; a welcome tension that was full of promise. Lexa wasted no time in kissing Clarke again. Her lips were welcomed by a soft hand that palmed her cheek. Lexa understood the concept of kissing, but nothing could have prepared her for the comprehensive body and mind experience that was kissing Clarke. She felt simultaneously centered while her heart ran wild and free. Lexa didn’t even care that they were out in the open and could be potentially interrupted. The girls rested their foreheads together and breathed each other in. Clarke smiled and softly spoke “I can’t wait to spend the summer with you.” The optimistic innocence that those words contained drug Lexa down like a cinder block. She immediately felt nauseated and panicked. Her “deer in headlights” look must have alerted Clarke, who intuitively asked “What’s wrong? Are you ok?” Lexa closed her sad greeneyes and sighed deeply, “I leave in a week; actually 6 days.”
“Where are you going?”
“Hawaii. Most of my family lives there. We go every summer.”
“How long will you be gone?”
“All summer. I only get back a couple days before I leave for Brown. My mom and I are going to road trip up to Rhode Island in a u-haul.”
Clarke’s jaw fell, along with her hopes and dreams for a summer romance, as she sat there speechless for a minute. She steadied her breath, and nodded like she understood when in actuality she didn’t. She could not comprehend how the first girl that she had actual feelings for, who had just given her her very first kiss, could be leaving. She felt like the universe was teasing her with a cruel game of cat and mouse. Her ocean blue eyes, wet with tears, stared helplessly into equally wet emerald green eyes. She strained a smile, kissed Lexa’s tears away, and then stood up. She felt like a coward, but she was compelled to run away. She wanted to stay, she wanted to spend every second she could with Lexa, but she knew that doing so would crush her and she didn’t know how to navigate that. In a broken voice, she whispered “I hope you have an amazing summer.” She meant it too; she wanted her to have a great time and to be happy. The tears were falling and they stung hot with the fresh pain of unrealized potential. She looked longingly at the girl she cared for, and then turned to walk away.
Lexa was hurting in her own right, but did not hesitate to reach for Clarke’s hand. It didn’t take much to stop Clarke in her tracks, but the blonde still faced away from Lexa. “I’m scared too Clarke. I didn’t know this was going to happen; that WE were going to happen. But if I only get 6 days with you, I don’t want to waste them feeling sad that we don’t have more. Please don’t walk away.” With that, Clarke turned around slowly revealing her absolutely ruined face, and mouthed “Okay” while nodding through her tears. The two kissed with more raw passion than either knew they possessed, then took turns wiping away the hurt from their tear stained cheeks. Lexa wrapped Clarke up in her arms, feeling her body as it relaxed into her embrace and as her breathing steadied. She made a silent vow to Clarke, in that moment, to give her every minute she could of the next 6 days. She wanted to make as many memories as possible, and had every intention of doing so.
The rest of that day they spent clinging to one another and embracing what was left of their childhood. They played on the jungle gym and swung on the swing set at the park. The girls made sure to release some adolescent mischievousness by playing simple pranks in the parking lot. They flipped car magnets upside down and traded antenna balls with neighboring vehicles. Then they laid on their backs on the soft green grass and daydreamed out load. Lexa and Clarke laughed and smiled and never left each other’s side. They went back to the duck pond to watch the sunset later in the evening, sitting impossibly close to one another and resting their heads together. After the day had faded into night, the pair decided they would go see a movie. Even though the film was entertaining, more attention was paid to each other than the screen. They sat in the back, held hands, shared popcorn, and stole kisses. At the end of the movie, Lexa asked if Clarke wanted to spend the night. A simple text message later, to inform Clarke’s mother that she’d be staying with a friend, and they were off to Lexa’s house. The evening was innocent; Clarke found out she enjoyed being the little spoon, while Lexa slept more soundly than she ever could’ve imagined.
Time moved strangely in a dichotomy of slow motion moments that were solely for them, and as a blur where the hours turned to days that slipped past them. It was easy to convince parents of late nights and daily sleepovers, since Lexa was leaving soon and they were just “friends.” The girls went to an amusement park at Clarke’s request, as it was one of her dreams to experience something exhilarating and terrifying while holding the hand of someone she cared for. Lexa introduced Clarke to the world of Comic-Con and her favorite fandoms, which Clarke enjoyed because Lexa lit up in a way she had never seen before. They cooked each other their favorite foods, shared their favorite movies, and exchanged mix CDs of their favorite music. The day before Lexa was meant to leave, the girls packed a picnic and drove an hour to the beach. Clakre wore a red bikini that had Lexa staring; something Clarke noticed but didn’t mind. She also didn’t mind seeing Lexa in her Hawaiian print board shorts and matching bikini top, her toned stomach on full display. They played in the sand building castles and playing frisbee, and spent a lot of time holding each other in the water. Whether it was playfully splashing each other, giving each other piggy back rides, or simply wrapping each other up in saltwater hugs, the girls tried to maintain some form of contact the entire time. They cuddled up with one another underneath their umbrella, and exchanged sweet kisses. When the sun began to set, they packed up and drove back home.
The pair decided on staying at Clarke’s house that night; their last night together. When they arrived there, they took turns showering, while they waited for a pizza to arrive. Since they’d been staying the night with each other for the last 5 nights, they were both prepared with a change of clothes and other necessities. Freshly cleaned and hunger satiated, the girls laid down next to one another in Clarke’s bed. The television was on, but their attentions were focused on each other solely. Clarke stared into Lexa’s beautiful verdant gaze, and stroked her hair lovingly. Lexa hummed her approval, and drew circles on the small of Clarke’s back. They didn’t speak; there was no need to fumble on words that would have them choking on tears later. Longing stares gave way to languid kisses. The marginal distance between them disappeared, as their chests came together and their legs intertwined. Kisses became deeper, with their tongues joining in on the sensual dance of their lips. Hands caressed soft flesh of backs and bellies that usually stayed hidden by shirts. Neither girl noticed the rocking motions of Lexa’s hips at first, until the heat of her passion reached her center and a moan escaped Lexa’s lips. Then, as if lightning had illuminated the night sky, a storm raged in both girls that was intense and unbridled. Lexa was grinding herself against Clarke’s thigh, and Clarke found her hands on her girlfriend’s hips, guiding them down toward her. Every gasp and moan added intensity to the pleasure they were creating and sharing. Lexa’s hands wandered under Clarke’s shirt, cupping unrestrained full breasts with hardened nipples. Clarke let her head fall back, and she bit her bottom lip involuntarily, as a moan shook loose. Lexa rolled them from their sides, putting Clarke on her back, and then topped the blonde. The grinding became more intense; the girls’ throbbing centers were pressing against each other, with only the thin fabric of light pajamas between them. Pajamas that grew damp with their mutual pleasure. Kisses became breathy. Moans became deeper. Clarke countered every movement of Lexa’s hips, with an upward pressure from her own. The pleasure built up inside them to the point where the only thing that prevented them from floating away was the grounding gaze they shared. Then Lexa broke. She shuddered and gave into her pleasure, collapsing on top of Clarke, and stifling her hedonistic moans in the mouth of her first love. Overcome by the sites and experiences unfolding on top of her, Clarke came undone just seconds after Lexa.
Neither girl had ever shared an orgasm with another person, and both were pleased that they shared that first with one another. They held each other in a sweaty heap, as they came down from their pleasure induced high, that left them feeling drowsy. They laid on their sides, facing each other, close enough that their noses touched. Clarke spoke first, after a wordless but far from silent evening together. She simply looked over at Lexa, smiled faintly, and whispered “I wish...” before Lexa shushed her by placing a finger over her lips. “I wish, too.” They both wished for the same thing, but it didn’t need to be said. They felt each other’s longing to not have to be away from one another. Neither wanted Lexa to leave for Hawaii the next day. They exchanged sweet kisses and giggled as they took turns going to the restroom to clean up after their earlier escapade. Lexa found a perfect pillow on Clarke’s chest, and Clarke encouraged sleep as she ran her fingers through Lexa’s hair gently. It wasn’t long until Clarke heard Lexa’s breathing even out in restful slumber, and then her tears began to fall. She laid still, as to not disturb Lexa, and let the tears roll silently. She had worried this would happen from the second Lexa told her she was leaving. But nothing could have prepared her for how intense the feeling of loss was, even as the person she wept for was asleep on her chest. She was thoroughly crushed, as she expected she would be, but knew she did not regret a single thing about the time they shared together.
Clarke and Lexa woke to the faint sound of a Nokia ring tone, which paused and then repeated, but this time slightly louder as they grew more lucid. Lexa grabbed her phone and saw she had several missed calls from her mother. Before she even had a chance to call her back, Lexa’s cell rang again. Her mom was upset that Lexa hadn’t finished packing and they were leaving that afternoon. Both girls’ eyes were glassy with tears, but both pushed through their emotions, and managed to get out of bed. They got dressed, stealing a few glances at each other, and unabashedly smiling at one another. Clarke stopped Lexa before she headed out of her room, took her by the waist, and pulled her close. She tucked a lock of Lexa’s wavy brown hair behind her ear, and then let her fingers graze her cheek. She leaned into kiss Lexa softly, slowly, and deeply. It was as if she was trying to imprint herself on Lexa’s lips; to impart upon her the sincerity and depth of her feelings before she let her go. Lexa recognized the emotion behind the kiss, and kissed back with matched intensity to let her know she reciprocated her feelings. When they separated, it was time for Lexa to go, neither girl knowing when they’d see each other next.
They had made promises to call and instant message as often as they could manage. In the days before unlimited talk and text, they knew long distance phone calls would require expensive phone cards, so they both saved up for every minute they could. At first their calls were flirtatious and full of longing, but as the weeks passed they became short and less enthusiastic. The time difference was also problematic; their messages often going unanswered for several hours at a time. The distance became frustrating, which led to pointless arguments that couldn’t be resolved. More and more time began to pass between calls and messages, and by the end of the summer they had succumbed to weekly email exchanges that seemed overly generic. Clarke updated Lexa when she moved into the dorms at UT, and Lexa followed in kind when her mother dropped her off at Brown. To be honest, Lexa thought of Clarke every time she opened her mini fridge, but left that tidbit out of her emails not knowing how it would be received. Weekly emails became every other week, and then monthly, until they just didn’t come. From either direction. One afternoon Lexa’s roommate was showing off her new laptop, and pulled up a website for a brand new social networking site for college students. Intrigued, Lexa joined the site later that evening, and almost immediately looked up Clarke. Sure enough, Clarke Griffin - UT Austin, was already on the site. Lexa stared at her profile picture for a long while, before giving in and sending a friend request. She wasn’t sure if it would be accepted, but woke up the next morning with her very first Facebook friend. A feeling of warmth rushed over her, and she happily made her way over to Clarke’s wall, a typed the words “I wish...”