Reggie was finally happy. He had spent a lot of time coming to terms with his prosthetics, and even more time coming to terms with his feelings for Luke, and thanks to his wonderful friends/employees at Sunset Music, he had Luke and Alex back in his life.
When he finally admitted his feelings to Luke, he was afraid he’d lose him again. But instead of losing him, he gained him in another aspect of his life. But that new aspect left Reggie with a deep insecurity he wasn’t ready for yet.
“Why don’t we ever have sleepovers like we used to?” Luke asked one day as Reggie curled into his side on the couch in the apartment he shared with Willie. Reggie didn’t want to answer the question, distracting himself with playing with Luke’s calloused fingers. “I mean, me and you and Alex used to crash together all the time. The only time we’ve spent the night together now was when I showed up drunk.” He tightened his other arm around Reggie’s waist, “And while I’m beyond thankful for what happened the next morning, I just want to fall asleep with you again.” Reggie felt guilty when he heard the sadness in Luke’s voice.
“We will. I told you, we should go slow. This is still really new.” Reggie didn’t want to tell Luke that the reason he was afraid of Luke spending the night was because he’d have to see Reggie without his replacement limbs. Whenever he left them on to sleep, he woke up sore and needed Willie to make adjustments to them.
“I know, baby, I know. I just miss having the extra time with you.” Luke placed a soft kiss to Reggie’s hair as the bassist kept playing with his fingers. Luke smiled fondly at him, “Are you having fun?”
“Kind of.” Reggie immediately put Luke’s hand down. He knew his ticks could get annoying. Luke nudged his hand against Reggie’s as he pulled them back to his lap.
“You don’t have to stop, Reg. I love when you play with my hands.” Reggie smiled to himself, taking Luke’s hand in his again, but the smile slipped when he caught the way Luke’s gaze got stuck on his left hand.
~~
“Why don’t you just be honest with him?” Alex asked as he helped Reggie and Willie stock the shelves to the store. “Tell him what you told me.”
“You know I can’t. He’ll think I don’t trust him enough to see me like that.” Reggie ran his good hand through his hair. Willie clapped him on the shoulder as he brought out another box.
“It’s okay to want to keep that to yourself, Reggie.” Willie said carefully, he’d learned that Reggie took a lot of things said to him to heart, even when he shouldn’t. “I’ve only seen you without them a handful of times and we’ve lived together for almost three years. I honestly think you should be honest with him about why you aren’t letting him sleep over though. He and Alex live together, so he has to notice that Alex spends the night sometimes.”
“Wait, is this why you usually crash at my place?” Alex asked Willie, before turning to Reggie, “You’re afraid of me seeing it, too?” Reggie kept his gaze on the ugly carpet he kept considering replacing. “Reg...”
The bell rang as a customer came through the door, Reggie immediately gave her his full attention, thankful to be away from the conversation.
~~
“Honestly, I agree with drummer boy and skater nut.” Flynn said seriously as she painted the nails on Reggie’s right hand.
“Flynn.” Julie scolded lightly, wrapping an arm around Reggie’s shoulders as he leaned into her, “Reggie, you do what’s right for you. Just remember that Luke loves you no matter what. This wouldn’t scare him away.”
‘But what if it did?’ The unwelcome thought hung in Reggie’s mind as he buried his face in her shoulder to hide his teary eyes. “I just don’t want anyone seeing me like that.”
Flynn finished painting his nails, setting his hand under the air dryer Julie had given her for Christmas so she’d stop smearing her wet nails when she forgot she painted them. “Reg, I’ve only known you a couple months, but I’ve known Luke a few years now, and I really think you should tell him the truth. But if you don’t want to,” she wrapped her arm around his other side, “Then Julie and I will have your back. We’ll help you make excuses and all that fun stuff. You just gotta let us know.” Reggie mumbled a soft ‘thank you’ from where he was still pressed into Julie’s shoulder. He knew they were all right, deep down. He knew he should tell Luke the real reason he wasn’t ready for them to spend the night together. But every time he tried his anxiety crept up and trapped the words in his throat.
~~
“Hey, baby!” Luke called cheerily as he came through the door of the shop in his usual sleeveless shirt, though the pink of his arms told Reggie that he really needed to convince him it was getting too cold for them. But the thought quickly lost its train of focus when Luke leaned across the counter and kissed Reggie soundly. “Did you miss me?” He asked with puppy eyes as he pulled away.
“Always.” Reggie smiled and pressed a quick kiss to the tip of Luke’s nose, making the slightly shorter boy chuckle.
“I know Julie is working tonight, so Alex and I were wondering if you and Willie wanted to join us for dinner.” Luke beamed as he took Reggie’s hands in his.
“I can’t speak for Willie, but I would love to get dinner with you guys. Want me to call him?”
“Naw,” Luke shrugged before he grimaced, “Alex is up there right now asking him, so it’s best not to interrupt whatever they’re doing.” Luke made his way around the counter, wrapping his arms around Reggie from behind as he tucked his chin onto his boyfriend’s shoulder. “I was thinking you guys could spend the night, too. I know you want to wait, but I really want you there tonight. I want to fall asleep with you.” Reggie hesitated, his doubts creeping back into his mind, but when he glanced back at his boyfriend’s sweet and caring face, he just hoped it would be okay.
“I’d like that.”
“Yeah?” Luke beamed, pulling his head back enough to look into Reggie’s face.
“Yeah.” Reggie had to grin at Luke’s excitement.
~~
Dinner was more eventful than they thought it would be. And the end cultivated in them being kicked out of the restaurant when Luke and Willie started daring each other to do really stupid things like seeing who could hold the most salt on their tongues. Alex and Reggie had tried to stop them, Alex because he was responsible, Reggie because he knew that Julie’s aunt owned the restaurant and didn’t want to upset either of them. When they left, the four of them walked slowly. Reggie was used to Willie matching his pace, but he was comforted that Luke and Alex were too. He knew how energetic Luke was, he hated sitting still and moving slowly almost as much as Reggie did, but they all made sure to walk slow enough that Reggie’s leg wasn’t giving him too much trouble.
“So, are we watching a movie when we get back to the apartment?” Alex asked casually, but Reggie didn’t miss the look he gave Willie.
“No, you guys can go straight to bed.” Reggie teased, ignoring the sense of unease that was slowly filling his gut. He chuckled nervously as Alex blushed, but none of them seemed to notice that his tone was a little off. At least he thought so, until Luke squeezed his arm tighter around his waist and Willie spoke up.
“We should watch a movie. Something fun. Oh, have you guys seen the new Jumanji?” Willie started bouncing in excitement, and Reggie saw Alex’s face change to a fond expression as he regarded him.
“The one with Jack Black? Not yet, but I’ve been wanting to!” Luke started bouncing along with Willie, making Reggie stumble a bit as Luke’s body shook his. Alex wrapped his arm around Reggie’s shoulders, pulling him toward him as Luke and Willie started talking about the movie like the energetic puppies they were.
“Thanks.” Reggie mumbled softly, just loud enough for Alex to hear.
“It’s okay. You know he didn’t mean to do it.” Alex smiled softly, glancing between each of them.
“I know.” Reggie said softly as he looked at his boyfriend and his roommate with nothing but love and hope. Alex just squeezed his shoulders and kept them moving.
~~
Alex had fallen asleep. Willie was close, but Reggie could see him trying to stay awake, saw the way Willie glanced over at him every time his eyes snapped back open, like he was worried about him. Reggie tried to act like he wasn’t internally panicking, but even he didn’t believe he was convincing anyone. Luke was half asleep against his shoulder, and he knew he should be tired, but he was so afraid of going to bed that he was running on pure adrenaline. The credits ran through the screen, and Luke reached over, shaking Alex awake. “Alex, hey,” he looked up with half closed eyelids. “Head to bed, man. I think Willie would rather fall asleep in bed than on this lumpy ass couch.” Alex looked over, like he forget he’d fallen asleep curled around his boyfriend. He got up sleepily, sending Reggie a supportive but tired grin as he led Willie down the hall. “You okay, Reg?” Luke asked quietly as he heard Alex’s door shut.
“Huh? Oh, uh, yeah. I’m good. Fine. Totally.” Reggie winced at how unconvincing he sounded. Luke sighed.
“Look, baby, you don’t have to sleep here if you don’t want to. I can take you home before I go to bed.” Reggie felt guilty. Of course Luke was willing to sacrifice some sleep to make sure he was comfortable. That had always been who he was.
“It’s...it’s not that I don’t want to.” Reggie said quietly, but he could hear his own voice shaking. “I’m worried.”
“About what, Reg?” Luke looked much more awake, his once sleepy features growing more concerned. “You know I’m always here for you.”
“I know. I promise, I do know that.”
“But part of you has trouble listening to that.” Luke didn’t say it accusingly. His voice was full of understanding, and it made Reggie feel more guilty.
“It’s not you. It has nothing to do with you.” Reggie’s mouth was moving quicker than his brain, and he was hoping that whatever he ended up saying made sense, “I know I’m safer with you than I am literally anywhere else in the world. I’ve always known that. No one is less judgy than you, and no one is more accepting than you, but there’s a deep nagging fear that I can’t seem to shake, no matter how hard I try or how irrational I know it is.”
“Reg, baby, are you feeling any regrets about us being together?” Luke looked so heartbroken, that Reggie could feel his own heart shatter.
“No, oh god no. I could never. You are all I’ve ever wanted.”
“Then what is it that has you so afraid?” The question was gentle, accompanied by Luke carefully pulling Reggie’s hands into his own. Reggie caught the way Luke’s gaze fell on his left again.
“I-I-“ Again the words died on Reggie’s tongue. He squeezed his eyes shut, willing himself to focus on the feeling of Luke playing with the hand he could still feel. But Reggie felt the panic piling up. Suddenly the quiet room was too quiet. The feeling against his skin was too much. Everything was too much and too quiet and too loud all at once. Reggie was on his feet before he even realized he moved, his feet carrying him unsteadily out the door. He didn’t miss Luke’s hurt expression as he tried to move forward, tried to stop him, but Reggie was already gone. Reggie stumbled through the city streets, only vaguely sure what direction he was heading. His feet didn’t stop moving until he saw the apartment door, and he started slamming his finger on the buzzer.
~~
“Reggie?” Julie asked sleepily as she leaned against the door to her apartment building, vaguely registering his boss and friend muttering something in front of her. She realized it wasn’t really words, and she forced her tired eyes to focus, taking in Reggie’s shaking body and silent tears. “Oh my god, Reggie, what’s wrong?” She reached out to him and he collapsed into her shoulder, apologizing for waking her up so late but not knowing where else to go. She pulled him inside, up to the studio apartment she shared with Flynn. Flynn woke up as Julie led him inside, groggily approaching the pair as Julie helped Reggie to the couch.
“Reggie? Jules? What’s going on?” She asked through a yawn as she looked at the terrified boy in front of her. “Did something happen?” Julie waved her hands slightly, and Flynn quieted down, watching the girl she loved let Reggie pull her into an embrace as he kept mumbling. Her phone rang on the side table, and Reggie flinched at the sudden noice. She silenced it quickly, answering the call in hushed tones. “Hello?”
“Flynn!” It was Willie’s voice, “You haven’t seen Reggie, have you?”
“He’s here, he’s here.” She said swiftly, “Something’s wrong. What happened?”
“I think he was trying to tell Luke why he was afraid to spend the night, but Luke thought he was second guessing their relationship, so Reggie probably went into flight mode.” He said the words quickly, but he sounded out of breath, like he was running. “I’m coming to bring him home.”
“We can bring him to you when he calms down.” She said it quietly, but she saw Reggie send her a grateful look from where he clung to Julie. “Just get back to your apartment and wait for us.”
~~
It was close to two hours later, nearing one in the morning when Julie and Flynn finally got Reggie back to his apartment. He shifted anxiously, pulling at his sleeves and his necklace. “He’s going to hate me.” He muttered quietly.
“Luke or Willie?” Flynn asked, “Because I don’t think either of them could ever hate you. They both just want what’s best for you.” Julie quickly agreed, keeping her arm locked around Reggie as she helped him up the stairs.
“We’ll stay as long as you want us to.” Julie offered in the silent hall as they paused outside the door.
“Thank you.” Reggie said it so sincerely, Julie pressed a kiss to his cheek before she pushed the door open.
~~
“Reggie!” There was a blur as the force of a body ran into him, pulling him off the ground as a very familiar pair arms wrapped around his waist. Through the doorway, Reggie could see Alex and Willie, which meant Luke was holding him.
“I’m sorry.” He said immediately, “I’m so sorry. I didn’t mean to run out, but then I couldn’t make myself turn around because I was too afraid of what I’d come back to.” Reggie clung to Luke’s shoulders as Luke put his feet back on the ground, still holding him to his chest as tightly as he could.
“I’m just glad you’re okay, baby. I was so worried about you.”
Willie cleared his throat anxiously, “Why don’t we move into the living room and we can all talk?” He gave Reggie a look that was equal parts supportive and concerned.
“Yeah, we should do that.” Reggie said, still holding tightly to Luke’s arm as they all piled onto the couch. Willie leaned into Reggie’s back to help ground him. “I really am sorry. I didn’t mean to hurt your feelings, I would never want to do that.” To calm the anxiety that was building in his stomach, Reggie started playing with Luke’s hand, feeling a rush of relief when Luke let him. “And Julie, Flynn, I’m sorry I woke you up in the middle of the night.”
“It’s okay, Reg.” Flynn said softly as she leaned into her girlfriend. Reggie made a mental note to pay for their next date night because he didn’t deserve their support after having to deal with him.
“Baby,” Luke said it softly, full of love, and Reggie slowly looked up into his eyes, “What happened?” Reggie felt something on his leg, and looked to see Alex rubbing slow circles into his ankle with his thumb, smiling gently.
“I- uh, I was afraid. Of you seeing me get ready for bed.” Reggie took a deep breath, pushing the panic as far away as he could, focusing on the feeling of Luke between his fingers, the feeling of Alex on his ankle, the feeling of Willie lightly pushing into his back. “I was afraid of what you’d think when you saw me without-“ the words got stuck again. But Luke’s face changed, understanding mixing with the concern.
“You were afraid I’d leave if I saw you without the prosthetics?” Reggie squeezed his eyes shut, nodding jerkily. “Reggie, baby, please look at me. Please.” He opened his eyes to look into Luke’s face, everyone was so quiet. “I am so sorry if you felt like I wouldn’t accept you. But you are the most important person in my life, Alex included.” Reggie let out a weird laugh, half nervous and half amused, at the fake offended sound Alex let out. Luke smiled at Reggie, “There is nothing about you, then or now, that could ever scare me away. You are my absolute dream come true, babe. As long as you want me, I’m here.” Reggie hadn’t registered the tears on his face until Julie took a tissue from the coffee table and began to wipe them away gently.
“I’m sorry I ran away, Luke. Next time, I’ll try to talk it through with you.”
“It’s okay, Reg. I know that sometimes everything gets to be too much for you. That’s why I didn’t try to follow. Though I really wanted to. I was so afraid you’d get hurt and I wouldn’t be there for you again.” The way Luke said made Reggie realize why Luke always looked at his left hand.
“Luke, it is not your fault if I get hurt. You couldn’t have been there to stop this,” he gestured to his hand and leg before grasping Luke’s hand again, “You couldn’t have stopped it from happening. And I never thought you should have. I know you have this responsibility in your head of keeping your family safe, but you weren’t there because you couldn’t be. So don’t blame yourself for something out of your control.” Reggie wrapped his arms around Luke’s shoulders, squeezing him as tight as he could. “I love you, Luke Patterson.”
“I love you, too, Reggie Shada. And no matter what your beautiful, crazy brain ever tells you, you are perfect to me.”
~~
Everyone slept at Reggie and Willie’s place that night. Alex volunteering him and Willie for the couch since the girls were dragged out of bed, and he knew that if Reggie was letting Luke see him for the first time without the prosthetics, he should be able to do it from the safety of his own bedroom. The next morning, Luke and Reggie made breakfast for everyone before Reggie announced they were keeping the store closed for the day so the group could bond. And when Reggie came out of his room that morning without his appendages attached, everyone pretended they didn’t notice as they watched him and Luke be grossly in love with smiles on everyone’s faces.