It’s cold.
Jen wakes up halfway through the night at the sudden chill lingering in the air, it makes her nose sniffle and she buries her head further into the duvet. She turns over and reaches an arm out and audibly gasps when it falls onto cold, empty sheets instead of a warm and cuddly Judy Hale.
So fucking what? She’s a cuddler, get over it.
(Not that she’d admit it to anyone.)
She clasps the sheets then peels open her eyes, blinking a few times to get rid of the blurriness from sleep. Taking one look around the room then into the bathroom, she frowns, the lights off so Judy isn’t in there and her room is Judy-less. There’s no note or anything on her bedside table and there’s still a glass with water half empty on her bedside table so she can’t have gone for a drink or anything.
“Judy?”
She doesn’t yell, sort of whisper shouts because the boys are only metres away from her and she doesn’t want them waking up and being all grouchy for the rest of the day.
When there’s no answer, she climbs out of bed and heads to her robe, wrapping it around herself and tying the not in the middle loosely.
“Fuck!”
Judy? There’s a small figure sat on the balcony outside, it’d be a little haunting she thinks if it wasn’t for the light green baby blanket peeking out from its place on top of Judy’s stretched legs, resting against the lounge. She doesn’t answer, so Jen opens the stiff sliding doors; no one had been out here in ages. It’s freezing, her arms prickle immediately with goosebumps and she walks over to Judy to tap her shoulder gently.
“Jude?”
She startles, the blanket falling to the floor when she jumps her legs which Jen reaches to pick up for her.
“Sorry, did I wake you up?”
Jen notices the tears on Judy’s cheeks instantly, and there’s no hiding the hitch in her voice that sounds like a lump logged in her throat. She shakes her head ‘no’, and crouches in front of the lounge, bringing her hands to rest on Judy’s upper legs for balance.
“Whatcha doing out here huh?”
Judy shrugs her shoulders, that are bare Jen notices with a frown, and when Judy replies she “couldn’t sleep” she goes back inside for a moment to bring the duvet. Jen drapes it over Judy’s shoulders and wraps the length of it around her shoulders, hands rubbing up and down on her arms to warm her back up a little. Jen touches Judy’s cheeks and gasps at how cold they are.
“Honey you’re freezing! How long have you been out here?” She asks, bringing her hand back down and catching Judy’s cold nose with her thumb as she does.
Judy stares ahead, “don’t know” and shrugs her shoulders.
Jen sighs before dragging the other chair to Judy’s side, leaning forward to wrap some of the spare covers around her own shoulders. “Do you want me to get you a glass of warm milk? Or put some of your rain sound things on?” Jen asks, “it’ll help you sleep.”
Judy shakes her head. “No, thank you…” She turns her head to face Jen and bare a tearful smile. “I had a nightmare.” It was more of a memory actually but she’d lived a nightmare, relives it some nights, it’s more rare now than before when she didn’t have…well, a family, but she still sees it play over and over in her sleep like a horror movie.
“You did?” Jen asks, in the same soft voice she uses when consoling Henry after a bad dream. Judy relishes in the whispered gentleness and nods, looking at Jen with eyes begging for reassurance, confirmations of safety and maybe just a hug.
Jen reads her, she always does, and tells her to scooch over, it’s a squeeze but she manages to lay beside Judy on the lounger, legs overlapping with Judy’s and arm hanging around Judy’s waist. Both women warm up pretty quickly, that way. “Do you wanna tell me what it was about?” Jen asks and there’s a few seconds pause after where Judy seems to contemplate it, Jen sees her pouting and touches a finger to her lips for no fucking reason whatsoever. And, fuck why were they so soft?
Judy takes a breath and releases it, it clouds into the air appearing like smoke against the pitch black sky. Her hands move to her stomach, shaped around the centre of her belly like an upside down heart. “I had to give birth to her…” Judy’s next breath is shuddering, and Jen knows she’s trying not to cry again. Jen sees the memory flash over her face, Judy tells her about all the blood, the agony she’d felt while in bed at home alone, the silence when she’d finally given birth. “She was so tiny, I knew before that she wasn’t going to make it but I still hoped-“
Jen’s forehead creases as she raises her eyebrows to stretch her eyes, trying to stop the tears pooling and overflowing. She swallows to get rid of the lump in her throat but it won’t budge, it’s evident in her voice as she turns to kiss above Judy’s ear, wherever’s closest to her, and whisper “I’m so sorry baby.”
Judy leans into her touch, “I wish I had you then…”
And Jens effort to stop herself from becoming a blubbering mess fails as soon as the words spill out of Judy’s mouth.
“Steve wasn’t there at the birth, he said he couldn’t face it…”
Motherfucker. Jen thinks and she reaches for Judy’s hand and clenches it between her own to distract herself from blurting out the million ways Steve was the biggest bastard she’d ever known.
“When she arrived, I had a few minutes before the nurses came to take her away,” Judy tells her, she removes her hands from between Jen’s and holds them a little apart from each other, “she was only about this big” she says and her hands tremble as she tries to keep them still to gesture her small size to Jen. She lets them fall back onto Jen’s afterwards, squeezing softly. “She didn’t even get to have a name, or a grave stone, the only thing I have are her scans, just like for the others” Judy adds solemnly, and Jen fucking hates the world, despise how cruel it’s been to Judy. Her Judy, who deserves the universe and more. It’s teased her, dangled a potential family in front of her and then ripped it away from her instantly. She remembers the day Judy had called her frantically and a little excitedly to say she might be pregnant, the ache in her stomach from almost getting assaulted practically had disappeared and been replaced with hope, because why wouldn’t she want Judy to be a mother. She deserves to be, already is in her eyes (and Charlie and Henry’s) and for a second Judy believed it too. The way she’d gazed into Jen’s own eyes, both full of hope which had burned the second it had ignited when the test was negative. And then, positive, another twisted game played by whoever is controlling this whole Earth thing, and then negative and never. Judy will never have children of her own, karma, she’d called it.
Jen wants to punch karma in the fucking face.
“Did you have a name for her?” Jen asks then, her voice breaking the silence.
Judy shrugs. “I had lots of names, Steve never really helped with any of them,” She sighs, turning to Jen for the first time since she’d joined her out her to look her in the eyes. Judy smiles softly, “I was thinking Grace, or Willow because there was a willow tree near school when I was little and I used to paint under there whenever my mum had ‘company’” She uses her fingers for air quotes and Jen understands that she means drug dealers, drug doers or just plain fucking assholes.
“When she was born, I liked Hope” Judy adds.
“I like all three” Jen says with a smile. “Which would you have chosen?”
Judy shrugs. “Steve didn’t like any of those names so…”
“Which would you have chosen Judes?” Jen asks again with a firm nod towards Judy.
“Hope, I think. Because that’s what she was, until-“ Judy trails off.
Until the fucking universe had taken her away.
“It’s just hard.” Judy says with a distant look in her eyes.
Jen nods, not that she understands because if she lost Henry or Charlie then she wouldn’t know how to live, despite motherhood not coming immediately to her. She imagines the pain of losing someone she loved, not Ted because after everting, she did not love him anymore, wasn’t still sure if she ever was in love with him or the idea of him. That’s another issue altogether though, one that Jen doesn’t fancy unpacking inside the already messed up brain of hers.
Maybe they need therapy, she’ll mention it to Judy some other time.
She remembers what it felt like when she’d woken up from the car crash in hospital and Judy wasn’t beside her, she’d thought she lost her and it was like she couldn’t breath and wouldn’t ever be able to again. Jen can’t imagine what it feels like carrying that gut wrenching pain around like Judy does.
Jen leans her head back against the lounger, thankfully Judy had thought to bring a pillow out with her so she squeezes her head onto the same one. Looking up at the stars, she nudges Judy, “see that star there?”
Judy tries to nudge into her eye-line, tilting her head over Jen to see which one she means but there are dozens of little white dots sparkling in the night sky. It’s peaceful, she thinks. “Which one?”
Jen grabs Judy’s hand, uncurling her knuckles so that her index is pointing, she closes one eye and guides Judy’s sticker to the brightest one. “There.”
Judy nods, it’s the biggest one and she doesn’t know how she didn’t see it before. “What about it?”
“Well, it’s always here, I’ve seen it a few times when we’ve been sat outside in the hot tub or when we’re watching tv at god knows what time of night.” Jen scoffs a little laugh after explaining.
Judy smiles along with her. “Okay…”
“Well that can be Hope, or whatever name you’d have decided on, and those surrounding…” Jen traces a circle of stars around the biggest, clustered together and glistening like particles of glitter in the darkness. “Can be for the ones before Hope who just didn’t make it as far…”
Judy turns to her, letting her upright arm fall and relax against her side. There’s a tear twinkling in her eye it she doesn’t allow them to fall just yet.
“They can watch over us all…” Jen adds with a small smile and a shrug. She doesn’t believe in heaven, doesn’t believe that stars represent ‘those lost’ like in the Lion King, one of Judy’s favourite animated movies, but she’ll try for Judy.
And Judy appreciates that, in fact, it’s probably the kindest thing that anyone’s ever said to her.
“…yeah,” The tears start falling and she feels a gentle hand swipe them away. “I like that.” Judy beams, removing one hand from atop of Jen’s and using it to brush a strand of blonde hair away from Jen’s face. She leaves her hand there, cupping her jaw and all of a sudden she feels a magnetic pull, feels herself leaning in and she keeps her eyes open to watch Jen’s flicker back and forth from her lips.
Judy pauses millimetres away from Jen’s mouth, feels soft puffs of air tickle her lips and takes one look at the starsbefore leaning closer and pressing her lips to Jen’s. It feels like the sun and the moon aligns, feels like everything is made right in the world as Jen kisses back.
“I love you Jude” Jen says, taking her hand after leaning backwards from what’s probably just been the best fucking kiss of her whole life.
“I love you too.” Judy says. She shivers then and wraps the blanket closer around them, “I think I’m ready to go back inside now…” Judy says and the yawn that follows makes Jen laugh lightly. She helps her up and holds her hand out, the other clutches one end of the duvet that’s hunched over both of their shoulders.
Jen shuts the doors and climbs into bed just as Judy’s finishing spreading the cover back out. Judy shuffles closer to her and presses a kiss to her shoulder, “goodnight,” before closing her eyes.
“Night baby.”
It’s a few minutes before Judy squeezes her waist, arms wrapped snugly around it, “and Jen?”
Jen hums and tries to save succumbing to sleep for another few seconds.
“Thank you.”