Not even your favorite book was enough to cheer you up. Hours have passed since you locked yourself inside that library and that feeling kept nagging at you like a disease, eating you from inside. It’s been less than a week since you and Missy are officially together and there wasn’t a single moment that the impostor syndrome didn’t get you. You weren't worthy of her. How could you be? She is a thousand years old creature, wise as the universe, mad as a hatter and complex as the sphinx riddles. You’re just a human, just a breakable, stupid, brief human.
Sighing, you let your eyes drift throughout the room, trying so desperately to focus on something other than yourself, trying to numb your pain. You observed the trembling shadows on the wall, glowing and dimming according to the fire that raged on the fireplace, the shelves bumped with books from all languages and subjects, some that your mind couldn't ever grasp about. The main lights were off, it was just you, the fire, and a lampshade that shaped your book's words, so known by you.
The leather sofas and the armchairs carefully displayed with tea tables around screamed the Time Lady's addictiveness for the drink, unpretentiously, your watch got caught by a well known couch. It was right there when she first told you how much you meant for her. Missy was reading out loud to you the same book between your hands, while her fingers danced delightfully between your locks and your head comfortably placed on her lap. She said you were her lighthouse, her safe place, and still, you couldn't believe in one word of it.
A dripping sound suddenly lifts you from your thoughts. Your face was wet. When did you start crying? Funny, the more you try to escape, the more you see yourself surrender by her in every single aspect, drowned in her. She was your universe, and you knew deep in your bones that you weren't enough for her. She deserved more. She deserves to be loved by someone who would never leave her, who wouldn't decain and die in a few years, who she could share the rest of her life with. She just worths so much more than you could ever be.
The worst part, nevertheless, was seeing her trying to cheer you up. Oh god, seeing her sad and concerned eyes pointed at you just destroys your soul completely. The only one you swore to protect, now suffers because of your insecurities. You knew you should talk to her, you knew that she was waiting for you to do that, but you couldn't. You just couldn't. Your mind kept repeating to you like a mantra how much desgust she would feel if she finally knew how stupid you are. Your hands covered your mouth trying to muff your sobs.
Far away, you could hear her heels clicking on the floor, too fast for you to hide, too fast for you to run, all you had time to do was take a deep breath and wipe your flooded face. You didn't dare to look on her face, you just pretended to read the book on your lap.
“I'm just making tea, do you want some?” She broke the silence uncertain of what to say.
“Oh, no, I'm fine baby.” You said putting your best smile on your face “Actually, I think I'm going to bed. I'm feeling rather tired today. See you there later?” Quickly you got up, trying to pass by her unnoticed when she warmly held your arm.
“Y/N…” Missy said in a plea “Please, talk to me. What have I done wrong?”
“Nothing honey, I'm just a bit tired.” That was a paper thin lie, but it was the best you could come up with.
“You're crying.”
“I was reading a very emotional book, don't worry, it's just hormones. I'm getting very emotional these days.”
“You were reading your favorite, Y/N, there's nothing sad or emotional in that book. Please, please talk to me. Tell me what's happening.” Missy never begged anything for anyone, but you were her exception. She was terrified to lose you.
“It's stupid-”
“If it's bothering you it's not stupid, nothing about you are. Share with me. I'm sure we can solve it, together.” Her hand slides by your arms and reaches your hand, lacing your fingers with hers in a warm embrace. There's just one thing in the whole world you couldn't resist: her supplicating eyes. You couldn't take it anymore.
Exhausted, you just let yourself collapse in her arms. Tears fogged your vision and soaked her shoulder, your white knuckled fingers held her close as if in any moment, she should just turn into smoke and disappear. There was no point in hiding your sobs, hiding your misery, you let it all out. Even not grasping entirely your motives, the Time Lady held you tight, as if you were the most precious thing in the whole universe, lulling you until you calm down.
“I’m…” Still attached to her, your muffled and choked voice began “I’m sorry Missy, I’m so, so sorry.” The words came out as a mantra
“What do you mean?” Delicately, she involved your fingers from her blouse and kissed your knuckles, guiding you to sit on the sofa.
“I’m not the right person for you, I can’t ever be.” You confessed avoiding her eyes.
“Y-y-you don’t love me, is that it?” Never a few words hurt so much to be pulled out. A billion knots formed in her throat .
“No!” You jolted, almost offended that she could think such a thing “I love you more than I ever thought I could love someone, it’s surreal.” Missy hides a relief smile, but her body lightens. “I’m so lost in you and your hearts make me feel so good, so loved, so safe that I feel I might explode in happiness. You’re my universe, Missy, and that’s why I can’t be with you” She frowns, disturbance filling her eyes “I can’t be with you knowing that you deserve so much more than I could ever be. You deserve someone who won’t fade and die in a few years, someone you can share the rest of your life with, someone so wise that you can rely on and who you could run all the universe with. I’m just a waste of time. I can live the rest of my life with you but you can’t live the rest of yours with me. I’ll hurt you. How many years do you think I would be able to run the stars with you? Twenty? Thirty? Forty? All of that is just a blink of an eye to you. I can’t just sit down and wait for you to discover the great froud I am. I can’t spend the rest of my life waiting for you to regret and most of all I can’t deal with your contempt.” The Time Lady was astonished. Her mouth opens and closes but no sound came from it. You didn’t dare look at her “I think… I think it’s better for us both if you just throw me back at my flat and forget about me.“ Your throat burns. Nothing ever could be harder than this. “You deserve more, Missy. Let go of me. Just promise that you will be happy, okay?” When your shattered eyes finally glanced at the Time Lady, she didn’t think twice before sealing your lips with hers.
It took a few moments for you to realize what is happening, but as always, she melted you. Tasted salty and bitter from your tears, however, you could feel her hearts exploding and taking you in. Her hands cupped your cheeks so delicately as if you would break and fade in any second, her body leaning slowly towards you until your back touched the cushion, you were in the clouds. When your tongs meet, it was like your hearts meet too. Before you felt her love and passion, but now, you were emerging into it, drowning into it, until you bolt were breathless.
“You can’t see it, can you?” She whispered, resting her forehead against yours.
“What?” You answered still inebriated by her.
“Your own light. Your kindness, your generosity, your forgiveness, your empathy, all of your stunning qualities, you can’t see it, can you?” She moves backwards slightly, just to
see your eyes “You’re the kind of person who doesn't make people better.” It stings. “You inspire them to be better by themselves, to love themselves. For a long time I only saw myself the way other people see me, as a broken useless thing, but you saw me for me. You made me worthy. You believed in me even when I already gave up on myself.” You saw the admiration deep inside her blue sea eyes and your head skipped a beat. “You say I’m so wise but you taught me so much about people, about myself, I rely on you. I don’t care if we can’t run across the stars, I just want to be with you. You are all the stars I need, and I don’t want to waste a single moment of our forever. For the first time in my lives, I want to be happy, and that’s only possible if I’m with you.”
“B-But I’m nothing special-”
“Yes you are. You’re my lighthouse, my safe place, the one that makes me, a lover of chaos what to be good. I want to be better for you, Y/N, and that’s not because you asked me, you never did, that’s because you inspired me and showed me how good good can be. You made me love myself for god sake.” The sound of her laugh was strangled by her unspilled tears. “I want you until you’re grey and old, Y/N. I may suffer when you die, but don’t steal our time together from me.” Her eyes plead painfully.
“I love you.” That’s all you managed to say.
“Stay with me, and I promise I’ll try my best to return the favour and make you love yourself even more then I love you.”
“There’s nowhere else I want to be.” She smiled tearfully.
“Promise me that you’ll always talk to me when you feel this way?” She supplicated delicately. “I don’t think I can bear to hear you ask for leaving again.”
“I promise. I’m sorry for hiding it from you, it’s just…” You tuck a rebellious curl behind her ear and place your hand in her cheeks, rubbing it affectionately. “My head kept telling me not to, you’re a big ball of confidence, I tough my insecurities would just look stupid for you”
“Hey, first, you’ll never look stupid to me, actually you always seemed so... imprevisible? Complicated but simple, good but sometimes delightfully wicked, fragile but so strong, I think your contradictions were one of the many things that made me fall in love with you. Anyways, second, I might look like a big ball of confidence, but I’m far away from it. I wear this mask for my enemies so I don’t seem weak or less than them in the battlefield, and I can say for sure today, that my biggest fear is to lose you, not for your age, but for something else. It terrifies me to think that we can’t enjoy all the time we have left.”
“May it be eternal while it lasts... Thank you. For being here to me.”
“Always, love. I’ve got you. No matter what we face, I got you.”