Of course, it`s the "it`s not you, it`s me" card Mina will pull when Nayeon bravely asked the reason of their sudden breakup. She knows her too well, and it hurts that it stays that way.
“I`m breaking up with you, Nayeon”
Those 6 words were the most painful words she received in her whole life and she doesn`t know how to stop the bleeding in her heart, how to stop the tears falling from her eyes, how to stop her mind from thinking of the girl who broke her heart, how to stop herself to keep on still loving Mina despite what she did to her.
It`s the usual scenario that happened to Nayeon when someone just got from a break up and they did not know what to do. She cannot eat, she cannot sleep, she cannot move, she cannot think straight, she cannot focus, she cannot stop her heart from aching, she cannot do the things she was used to because the person she does it with is not with her anymore. She cannot unlove Mina, she cannot stop thinking about Mina, she just cannot. And it fucking hurts.
Every day, she tries so hard to stop crying, to stop catching her breath because it really affects her health, to stop thinking about those 6 words and that certain scene at the abandoned amusement park. If only she can remove all the hurtful memories and just remember all the happy ones, but that`s impossible, because she needs to live with the pain to be able to overcome and surpass it. She needs to, but she does not want to.
Letting go of Mina will be her biggest regret in life, she just knows. That moment when she does not reach for her hand? When she does not run to her and hug her from the back? When she does not beg her to stay? When she does not express the pain, she`s feeling that moment? She regrets it all, she is still regretting about it all. She is regretting almost everything she should have done for the girl. She should have hugged her tighter, hold her hand tighter, give her the things she wants, does things she wants to do, made her smile and laugh all the way she wants. She should have been the better, no, she should have been the best girlfriend for her. She should have. Letting go of the girl is her biggest regret because loving the girl is her biggest flex in life and being loved by the girl was the greatest thing that ever happened in her life.
Mina became a big part in her life, and she cannot blame herself from doing that because it just happened. The girl suddenly popped up in her life without even knowing that she will leave a big impact, a really big impact Nayeon needs to remove, but does not want to. Even if they were just with each other for a few years, they already memorized each other`s antics, souls, whole being and how will it be easy for her to remove all of that from her system when, ever since she laid eyes on the girl, she kept on memorizing every little detail of her? She kept on reminding herself that she should and she must make it with Mina no matter what happens? When ever since they got together, she kept on remembering all the beautiful memories of them in every moment they got? She kept on treasuring it and keep it safe in her fond memories and lock it there forever?
She immediately became that first priority and important and special to her and should be on top of all of her tasks in every moment possible. She`s all about Mina all of a sudden when she came in on the scene, the girl suddenly became everything to Nayeon without even trying. Mina will always be the first when it comes to her and she thinks it will never change, she deeply hopes it will not because she thinks there is still 0.000001 percent of them getting back together.
Nayeon still hopes for that small percent, even though it is already clear for her that they will not get back together, that there is clearly no chance for them to reconcile because she knows Mina, and knowing her girlfriend, her ex-girlfriend, once she decides for something, it is already final, and no one and nothing can change her mind. Even Nayeon. Yes, even Nayeon. Maybe that is really one reason why she did not aim to reach her hand, hug her back, beg her to stay back then because even if how many times she does that, she knows the girl will not change her decision. She just knows that maybe, or definitely, she really wants to end the relationship already, that Nayeon is still not enough for Mina.
She gets the feeling that Mina will never need her again. She thinks that everything that happened between them is just for a short time and that they were destined to meet in that span of time, only for a brief moment. She now realizes that maybe Mina is just someone passing by in her life, but she thought of her as someone who will stay, who will forever hold her hand, who will not let go of her, and she thought wrong, and it hurts, and it`s totally not okay.
Mina`s absence in Nayeon life is a kind of adjustment the latter hates. Almost the basic things that she does in life, she does it with Mina and now that the girl is not there anymore, she does not know how she can step forward and move into the light again, now that the only inspiration and her own and only light is not by her side anymore. She feels so empty waking up in her bed alone, feels so sad eating her meals alone, feels so exhausted coming home without anyone waiting for her, feels so lonely not having someone by her side to comfort her in selfless, selfish, painful, regretful hours, feels so drained not having someone to cheer her up and gain energy from, feels so useless for she does not have any clear directions on where to go because all of her future plans suddenly vanished and the girl who left her, took it with her.
She does not have any inspiration to keep moving forward with life. She almost lost everything when the girl left her. That`s how much sacrifice and amount of love she gave to the girl because Mina deserves it, but the latter decided to crash it as if it is just some sort of paper that will be a trash later on. Nayeon was so ready to give it all, to give her all because Mina is everything to Nayeon that is why she always wants the best for her, always wants to give all the stars, the moon, the whole wide universe to her because Mina deserves all of that, Nayeon deeply knows that the girl deserve all the love, appreciation, care, support, trust, loyalty, honesty she gives to the girl, but she still chose to let her go.
“You know very well that we deserve each other. I`m ready to commit it all to you, but why did you choose to still let go of everything as if it is just nothing? Mina, I love you. I love you so much. I love you that much, it hurts because I`m still not enough for you"
Mina sighed, trying so hard not to cry for how many days now. She knows that what she did was for the better and for her not to hurt Nayeon`s feelings and for her not to be hurt any longer because after all, the problem is with herself and not to her past lover.
Even if, for others, the one who gave the pain does not have any rights to be hurt because they are clearly the ones who caused some pain to the ones left behind, but Mina thinks otherwise. It is not easy for her to let go of that decision, to fully make that kind of decision because it`s that serious, it`s not some lame, silly fights they had back then, but rather something about their relationship, their whole relationship. It is not easy for her to fight with herself whether or not she is doing the right thing.
Even if she is so selfish because she just thought of herself and not Nayeon`s feelings, and Nayeon herself, she cannot help but to feel guilty, she does feel all the guilt she has in her whole life because she deeply knows that letting Nayeon go means letting everything go, as well. Letting Nayeon go means letting go of her personal supporter, personal cheerleader, personal hug provider. Letting Nayeon go means letting half of her heart go, half of her soul go, not knowing if she can retrieve it back.
Even if she was the one who asked her to be her girlfriend and also the one who initiated the break up, she is still hurting. Of course, of fucking course, she will be hurting. How can she not when the girl gave her all? Made her feel like she is the most important and lucky girl in the whole universe because she became the girlfriend of THE Im Nayeon? Always reminds her that she matters, that she is loved, that she is cared for, that she is always supported, that there is someone who always cheers for her, who wipes her tears away, who hugs her tight and hold her hands, and promised her that she will stay by her side always? How can she not be hurt when Nayeon made her feel like she`s home, when she almost became Mina`s home?
Nayeon is out of her league. Honestly, she never thought that she and the girl will click, but they do, they did. While their relationship lasts longer, she feels an uncomfortable, somehow wrong feeling she shouldn`t feel and she tried not to mind it, to just avoid it, but every single night, it keeps on eating her whole system until she cannot anymore. It`s a cliché reason, a cliché idea, really. She felt overwhelmed with all the things Nayeon made her feel and she thinks she does not deserve any of it. When they are just starting, she keeps on taking care of her heart and the feelings she have for Nayeon and wants it to last because at some point in her life, whenever she sees the girl smiles as if it outshines the sun, whenever she sees the girl with her twinkling eyes as if it is the stars that is only meant for her, whenever she sees the girl so lovely and caring and charming and pretty, she thinks Nayeon is the one for her. But it`s just one point in her life and it did not last.
Then one day she woke up thinking that all she thought in the past was wrong, that Nayeon is too much for her and she does not deserve everything that was given to her by the girl including the girl herself. Mina thinks she does not deserve Nayeon. She is too good for her because Mina is a no one, she is not worth it, she is not someone Nayeon should make it with. She suddenly woke up without having the flame in her heart, without having the desire of loving Nayeon until the very end and fuck, it hurts, on how idiot she can be, because Nayeon does not deserve any of that thought, does not deserve any of that idea because she is all about sunshine and butterflies and all the good things in the world and therefore does not deserve to be hurt, to be left behind, to feel that she is not loved and important.
Why the hell did Mina thought all of that when Nayeon clearly does not lack anything? Reminding her that she is more than enough? In giving her all the love, care, support she voluntarily gives because according to her, she deserves it? Making her feel that she is worth everything? Why the hell did Mina thought about that when Nayeon is more than everything a person could ask for, for a partner? Why the hell did Mina thought that Nayeon is not the one for her, when clearly, the Gods made them meet and be together in this lifetime? She also does not know and she`s a fool for not knowing that goddamn reason.
“I don`t see a future with you.”
Mina plainly said to a drunk Nayeon that is in front of her new apartment at 3 in the morning begging her to say a reason, any reason she could think of, on how did she break up with her.
Upon saying that, the girl broke into tears and almost collapsed, if not for Mina catching her fast enough before she falls to the floor. That scene, both broke their heart, but they need to calm themselves down not to be reported being so noisy at dawn, where they would almost create a chaos they should fix at the day and not at the time where all people are asleep.
She did not see any future with me? How come? Why? Am I still not enough? Are the things and investment of feelings I gave her still not enough? It`s just some of the many questions Nayeon wanted to ask to the girl in front of her, who is currently holding her back, still oh, so careful not to let her fall (even if she figuratively fell over and over again to her). She wants her to elaborate the answer, wants her to explain why exactly she cannot see the future when she is clearly being cautious, doing everything slowly but surely for them to grow and develop over time, for them to have the future they started to build through their relationship.
Nayeon fixed herself up and Mina was almost seen shedding a tear if not for the both of them suddenly standing up and wiped their faces. The former keeps on convincing herself that the reason she heard was enough, that it is enough to answer all her unanswered questions since the moment they last saw each other, that it is enough for the pain she is currently feeling, that it is enough to know that she is indeed not enough for Mina. Even if it is not, definitely not enough.
“R-really? Mina? Y-you don`t see a future with m-me? I-I… mean, s-sorry. If I ever made you felt that way. I-I`m sorry if I`m still not enough for you…I really am. I should get going. You take care”
She then started walking away, leaving Mina that is so ready to breakdown alone in front of her apartment while seeing the once love of her life now walking away from her. Everything about them is so painful. Everything about them is so tragic and they cannot do anything about it.
Nayeon doesn`t have a choice, but just to let her go because it is for the best, even if her heart will ache for how many times more, until it doesn`t know Mina`s whole being anymore. She really can`t and doesn`t make it with Mina.