Gift
“I love you, Anne. I am in love with you and I am never leaving you again.”
Then they kissed each other senseless, with such passion as never before – not caring that they were out in the open and could be seen (they weren’t). Anne’s frown seemed to wash away throughout the kiss, with the kiss, the worries melting away from her. The kisses tasted of salt from their shared tears, and when they finally broke a part, Anne took Ann into her arms holding her as close as she could, kissing the top of her head, tears running down her cheeks,
“Please, don’t ever leave me alone!”
“I won’t. I promise you!” Ann murmured against her chest, but then suddenly as if she just remembered Anne pushed Ann away from her, cheeks flaming red and Ann raised an eyebrow confused and shocked,
“I am so sorry, Ann.” Anne mumbled embarrassed,
“What?”
“Oh, I, my feelings were running so high – I didn’t stop to think.”
“Anne? What are you talking about?” Ann asked worried that something would ruin their happiness once more.
“I haven’t had a bath in 15 days! I just arrived back – I smell of fish and sweat and I press you to me like that… it’s a wonder you haven’t been sick by the smell… and goodness, my breath! I didn’t even consider that – not that I haven’t cleaned my teeth as well as I could on a boat, but it doesn’t count.” Anne rambled on clearly mortified and when she stopped and looked at Ann with apologetic, panicked eyes, the blonde couldn’t help it – the laughter, the relief and happiness took over and it burst out surprising the woman. Anne just stared at Ann who was half-bent in laughter,
“Ann?”
Ann straightened herself, trying to stop laughing before taking Anne’s face in her hands and pressing a rough kiss to her lips, not once but twice, laughing in-between,
“As if that would stop me! Anne, you could be covered in dung, and I would still kiss you, I would still hold you close – I have missed you with so much of my being that I hardly knew myself at times. Sometimes you are so silly! I am woman, not a porcelain doll!”
Another kiss was pressed to Anne’s surprised lips but then she laughed with Ann,
Ann smiled, leaning up for another kiss which was granted readily.
“I am so pleased, nay so grateful that the Lord kept you with me. That you… that you didn’t…” Anne trailed off, clearly not able to finish the sentence and Ann frowned,
“As am I… it was just a weak moment.”
“No, not weak – you are not weak Ann. It’s just sometimes we square ourselves and are strong for far too long until we long for relief, a release. Not weak, never. Don’t have such a poor opinion of yourself!” Anne told her seriously, kissing her forehead, and Ann smiled,
“You know I don’t, not when I’m with you.”
“You keep saying that, and I keep wanting to tell you I feel the same. When I am with you, I feel… loved, I don’t feel odd and…” Anne trailed off, how should she phrase it best? But Ann took her hands in hers, smiling,
“If that’s how I make you feel, I shall certainly never leave you again.”
Anne smiled and shared a last kiss with Ann, standing close,
“Anne…”
“Mm?” Anne mumbled, resting in the embrace she shared with Ann, completely worn out after the long journey.
“You know what I said before? About not caring what you smell like…”
“Hm?”
“I might have lied to steal a few kisses more from you… I actually wouldn’t mind you taking a bath now.”
Anne laughed at Ann not insulted in the slightest, she merely kissed her nose,
“Of course, I’m glad you said it. Because I feel filthy – and hey, I can barely stand the smell myself! I should’ve taken a bath as soon as I arrived back home but first, I had to beat some sense into Dr Kenny and then they told me about the flooded pits – Oh God… I took a gamble I shouldn’t have… it was dumb really – I shouldn’t have left Shibden.”
“You punched Dr Kenny!?” Ann asked firstly and Anne tilted her head slightly,
“Hm… yes. Against a bookshelf, he wasn’t equally thrilled about my smell…”
Ann smiled small, she did not like that man at all, but then she frowned,
“You said about the pits? They flooded?”
“Mm. It just needs some money throwing at it, only I have already… huh, argh, I gambled Shibden.” Anne bit her lip, the frustration threatening to build up within her again, and
Ann’s eyes widened,
“You gambled Shibden!?”
“Mm, I used the deeds to be able to loan £1500 from Mr. – I knew that if there were trouble with the pits, I wouldn’t be able to do anything in a long while – and risk losing Shibden et cetera, it was worth the risk though. But let us not dwell on that now, I will come up with something. Not to worry, I am always fine. “Anne said, trying to brush past her own folly and into other subjects but Ann was stubborn, she wasn’t stupid, she paused to think,
“Anne… that doesn’t sound great. Let me! I have plenty of money.”
“No, I will make do- I do not want you to think I am using you for your money – not like your… tribe of relations.” Anne told her seriously, holding her hand up but Ann frowned at her, marking her displeasure,
“I am not letting you use me! - Anne Lister, I have a brain. I am not an idiot. I can think for myself, thank you very much, and I am not offering, I am saying that you are going to accept my money and that’s the end of it! If we are to be married, this will be mine too and I will not stand for it or the possible homelessness. Either you take my money, or you can kiss my…arse goodbye!”
“Did anyone ever tell you that you can be quite fierce when you are angry?”
“About the money, Anne. You will tell me tomorrow morning first thing how much you will be needing, and I will give you the money. Period.”
“Fine. But I will pay you back. We will make a fair calculation and I will give you a percent in interest for every three months.”
“We will see about that. Having my wife pay me money feels a bit fishy… you can take it you know?! – a wedding gift if you like.”
“A wedding gift?” Anne grinned, she was so ridiculously happy at the moment,
“Hm, here – Shibden back! I say it is a rather nice wedding present.” Ann smiled, and Anne laughed,
“Mm, maybe too grand!”
“What do you mean too grand? It’s only an old farm.” Ann teased and Anne shook her head at her, knowing it was only a tease and a reference to when Marian had called it that.
“You know, it is oddly charming to have someone give me orders for a change… at least coming from you. Don’t get used to it though, I will have my way. ”
“I think I’ll manage you, fine. After all I read Lysistrata.” Ann smirked and Anne laughed,
“Who gave you that?!”
“I may or may not have found it in my father’s old collection…”
“Will you ever cease to surprise me, Miss Walker?” Anne snickered,
“About that bath, Anne?” Ann began as they walked down the hill, and Anne glanced at her nodding,
“Yes, I will take it as soon as we get back. If you will give me an hour – you can drink tea with my aunt and sister if you will – unless you want to go home first.”
“No, I was going to say – that I’m not leaving you.”
“You will watch me bathe?” Anne quirked an eyebrow, smirking, and Ann smiled back at her,
“I will sit with you. I can avert my eyes until you’re soaked if you want. But I was serious about never leaving you again.”
When they arrived back at Shibden and the bath was drawn for Anne, Ann stayed true to her word and averted her eyes when Anne undressed and didn’t turn around until she was in the tub hid by the soapy water. They sat comfortably talking whilst Anne bathed. Ann helped her wash her long hair with the lavender soapy water and rubbed her shoulders with it as well. Anne moaned softly, sinking into the bath, her tense muscles relaxing. Anne leant forwards at Ann’s bidding not thinking properly, as Ann was going to help her clean the rest of her back and she gasped dropping the soap in her hand,
“What happened to you, Anne?” She mumbled sympathetically, running her fingers against the small scars draped across the small of her back and Anne froze, and tried to sit back again, hiding them but Ann wouldn’t let her, and Anne sighed,
“My mother wasn’t always… she often resorted to thrashing when I was bad. She thought I was bad very often. I’m sorry, I know they are quite ugly it’s one of the reasons I like to cover up, why I am never... but as my mother used to say; you cannot further spoil an already ugly canvas.”
Tears filled Ann’s eyes; how could anyone beat their child? Verbally abuse them. And to beat them so that scars remained years and years later. Ann ran gentle fingers over the scars, some more faded than others and then she placed her lips against one of them, and she could feel Anne’s skin prickle underneath.
“Your scars aren’t ugly. They’re a part of you, and I love all of you. I… no one’s ever laying their hand on you again – ever. No one will hurt you again. You are stunning Anne, with your scars and because of everything you are not in spite of it.”
Anne laughed at Ann’s statement because she could scarce see herself as anything like that though her heart did swell for the blond woman.
“I love you, Ann!”
It was the first time Anne had said that, out loud and meant it for real. She had never said it and been more convinced that it was the absolute truth. She was completely and utterly Ann’s to have and to hold. She who had accepted her for all that she was without asking for change. Without ever feeling ashamed of her. She who with every smile mended Anne’s broken heart and parts bit by bit. For even if she claimed that she’d rise above people’s comments and looks, from strangers, from family, the truth was that it hurt her more than she’d ever admit.
“I, words aren’t enough to express just how much. How did I ever deserve someone so great as you?”
Ann kneeled next to the bathtub, beaming,
“Well then, you will just have to show me then.”
And they kissed soft and slow, but suddenly Ann’s eyes popped wide, and she let go of Anne’s red lips who first pouted but then heard Ann cry,
“Marian!? I mean, Miss Marian…”
Anne turned her head and saw her sister standing in the doorway and her colour rose high, but Marian just stared at them and then sighed,
“Oh, Am I supposed to be shocked now? I can pretend if you like.”
“What?” Anne stuttered, “We weren’t doing anything, Ann was just keeping me company.”
“Yeah… right. I was just going to ask whether Miss Walker is going to stay for dinner or not?”
“Yes, please.” Ann murmured embarrassed, and Marian, who would tease her sister endlessly and not feel very guilty about it couldn’t watch poor Miss Walker like that – thinking that she would feel different about her.
“By the way, I feel that I need to have it said; I do not care. You might think I am dull and dumb, but I am not cruel. This whole companionship thing – I get it. You are in love, and I think… I think that’s beautiful – and I am very happy for you to move in with us, Ann. And Anne, I am, despite all our disagreements so pleased that you are finally becoming more settled- I haven’t seen you this happy, I don’t think ever!”
It was the first-time words had come out of Marian’s mouth in years that hadn’t frustrated or annoyed Anne, it was heartfelt, and she did feel it – though she would never admit that it was tears and not bath water that covered her cheeks.
It was a good thing Ann had 'gifted' Anne Shibden back or that might also have been the last time Marian had said something kind to Anne... (you know before she killed her.)