RIP
Anne was travelling home at record speed, and for her the high-flyer coach from York was going much too slow. She must have cursed under her breath fifty or so times because another pair travelling with had asked the driver to slow down because the lady was getting sick.
Well if one is travelsick one should stay home, Anne had thought annoyed as she flicked her pocket-watch open for the hundredth time. She might be too late. What if she was? Then she would never hear his voice in this lifetime. Tears prickled her eyes and she willed them away, trying to think optimistically about the whole thing, after all – Marian always tended to be overdramatic in her letters to make Anne feel worse about going away. She wished her aunt had written her instead, wished to see a tidy line from her uncle that had always been included in those letters, but he was too poorly to write and her aunt, bless her, probably devastated.
They neared Halifax and Anne looked around herself, it would be quicker if she walked from here, she stood up, and a gentleman looked at her with a raised eyebrow,
“Madam sit down again, or you’ll get yourself thrown off.”
“Excellent, it’s just what I had in mind.” Anne replied him and stood her foot on the side of the moving carriage,
“Your luggage madam!”
“Mm, I have a man who’ll take it in Halifax. It’s all been lovely, but I have to scurry.” Anne looked at the man with defiance as he reached out to grab her skirt to keep her in the carriage, but she leapt off before he could and it was perhaps a little higher than she had anticipated for she landed with one knee to the ground, definitely bruising it but no time to weep; Anne walked in quick strides over the well-known fields and breathed in the air; ‘home’.
Suddenly as she began to see Shibden in the distance more clearly, she felt shoots of pain to her heart, it might well be the last time she got to stay there in a lifetime. Her uncle, if he died, or if he had already passed would have left the estate to someone and Anne was certain it wasn’t her father, and her other uncle and her brothers were long since passed. Blasted, traitorous tears welled up in her eyes again and she tried to force them away, tried to swallow the lump in her throat.
“You are a grown woman, this is life… he wasn’t going to live forever.” Anne told herself in what began as a firm voice but ended in a strained teary sort of whimper. One tear leaked down her cheek and she wiped it away harshly before breaking into a run – she wasn’t going to be late this time. Every shadow she saw seemed to be death lurking and she ran faster, as fast as she possibly could, trying to make it easier by clutching to her skirt so she wouldn’t trip and tumble down the hill. She hadn’t time to stop, but the door did stop her with a thud, her hands flew up, softening the sudden stop. Anne burst through the door and without a word to her sister, who was waiting for her, probably to say something stupid, she ran up the stairs to her uncle’s room.
“Anne!” Aunt Anne stood up from the bedside, where she had tended to her brother, Anne kissed her cheek as she embraced her quickly, panting,
“Aunt, how is he?”
“Not well, he is in and out of consciousness. He still talks though but the doctor reckons he hasn’t long. They have called for the reverend.”
Again, Anne found herself fighting back tears, because it felt so final. She went past her aunt and sat in her place on the bedside, taking her uncle’s hand that seemed colder than ever before – even colder than during the winters long gone when they had had snowball fights. Her aunt left them alone, knowing her niece needed to be alone with him.
He, who had been more of a father figure than her own, who had encouraged her to be who she was, who had taught her everything and given her every opportunity that were his to give, who had happily paid for her travels, education and whatever she had asked for with joy - he was now a mere shell of the man he had once been, and it had gone so fast. Uncle James had been fine when she had left, a little tired perhaps but fine, he had assured her as much. Looking at him now, pale and thin, Anne fought back tears and thought bitterly that she should have never gone. She should have been here, helped him and sat with him from the start, he deserved as much. They could have had more moments together, but she had been selfish and left to have her own adventures. Leaving behind her aunt and uncle who had given her everything. Anne remembered how he would take her with him wherever he went, he never excluded her because of her sex. He valued her opinion and challenged her mind with science, literature and history, and Anne repaid him with leaving, and now maybe the chance to say goodbye was forever lost on her, because she hadn’t been brave enough to stay put. Hadn’t wanted to believe that he could die, had clung to the hope that he would’ve been the same when she came back. Anne stroke his hand softly, thinking of all the times those hands had held hers, she kissed them gently,
“I’m here now, Uncle, I’m sorry, I shouldn’t have left but... you told me that you were okay! You promised!” Anne’s voice broke at the end of her sentence, the lump burning in her throat, tears on the verge of leaking from her eyes.
“You idiot. You should’ve told me, why did you let me go?!” Anne was upset, naturally, he was slipping away from her before her very eyes, and he had said he was fine, but according to the letter, he had known for a long time.
“Why did you lie to me? I could’ve helped you. Don’t you dare leave me!” Anne couldn’t keep the tears at bay any longer as a sob escaped her, and she leant her head down carefully on his still heaving chest. A hand ran over her hair slowly, and Anne lifted her head and was met with her uncle’s dark eyes,
“Hush, Anne…” His voice was weak, and Anne touched his cheek,
“Don’t leave me. Please!”
“I’m afraid I can’t stop it. But you… my dear child, will do fine without me.” Uncle James told her strained and Anne wanted to stop him talking, it seemed to be draining so much energy from his already weak body but at the same time she never wanted him to stop because if he did, she was certain the breath would escape him too.
“I love you, please stay with us, you’ll get better!” Anne tried desperately and he touched her cheek, slowly stroking her tears away with his thumb, Anne touched his hand with hers, leaning into his warm palm before removing it gently thinking he hadn’t the strength to keep his arm up like that.
“I am not afraid, I know paradise awaits, even as we speak, I feel His presence. Don’t cry, dear. I have all good faith in you that you will do well. It’s all yours.”
“All mine?” Was all Anne could say because what did one say to the other things, Anne sensed a weird feeling in the room but that might all be in her head.
“Yours, Shibden, it’s yours. I left it to you. Care for it, and Aunt Anne, will you?”
“Mine? No, no - not yet because you will get better!” Anne persisted, her heart too full at the moment to even comprehend her uncle leaving the estate to her and not some distant male relative. Her uncle kissed her hand, but he seemed weaker than a second ago, his breath shallower,
“I love you, and have loved you dear as my own child – never forget that. No matter what, that you are loved – always!”
More tears rained down her cheeks, and her uncle’s eyes seemed wet too,
“Take care of them for me, be brave, Annie!”
He smiled at her in a way he always had and for a second, it almost seemed to restore him, and Anne began to believe that he wouldn’t perish, that he would live but then suddenly his hand seemed to relinquish its hold on hers, and Anne tried to squeeze it, but he didn’t squeeze her hand back, it became limper in her hand as his breath seemed to become more strained, as he became weaker.
Anne didn’t know what to do, she was holding his hand, watching his chest,
“Aunt?!” Anne cried out in a panic; not sure she could quite comprehend what was happening before her eyes. Her aunt came rushing in, and she sat down beside her niece watching her brother, as she took his other hand,
“It’s okay, dear. We’ll be fine just let go!”
Anne thought she was speaking to her, but Anne didn’t want to let go of his hand, because if she did, she was sure he would go to. But then her uncle sighed almost as if at her aunt and her words and Anne almost thought he would open his eyes again but then she noticed his breathing had stopped.
“He’s not breathing, we need to…”
“Anne, come, calm down, breathe!” Her aunt told her calmly though tears were upon her cheeks,
“He’s not…”
“Anne, he’s gone, he’s gone to paradise. He’s with the boys and the angels now.” Aunt Anne said with a sad smile, and Anne looked at her in disbelief, but her Aunt put her arms around her, taking her head to rest on her chest, as she placed a kiss over her hair,
“There, there… he wouldn’t want us to cry. He would…”
“He’s dead!” Anne gasped through her sobs, her tears soaking her aunts dress and she nodded, tears running down,
“Yes. He is. But it was his time.”
“It’s not fair, not to you, or me or…”
“I know.” Aunt Anne told her softly, kissing her forehead, before drying her tears with her hands,
“I know, Anne.”
“Do you think it will ever stop hurting?” Anne asked quietly, her head on her aunt’s shoulder. They had been quiet for a while, crying, grieving, and waiting for the Reverend to come as well as the help to dress him for his final rest.
“No, you just make room for it, I reckon.” Aunt Anne sighed, tears had exhausted her, and Anne exhaled as the worst had passed.
“He said…”
“That he left Shibden to you?” Aunt Anne enquired and Anne raised her head,
“You knew?”
“Yes. He said so when it started to become worse. His will is downstairs. I don’t think it’s been read yet.”
“Why don’t we wait. It feels wrong when he isn’t even… He is still here.”
“We’ll wait. Thank you for being here with me. I couldn’t watch him alone. It would feel too strange.” Aunt Anne revealed and Anne nodded,
“It does feel as though he is suddenly going to open his eyes and begin talking again, as if his hands are going to reach out for us as if nothing happened.”
“Mm, I remember it felt that way when I sat with our mother, I was alone then, deadly afraid that she would wake up again. Your uncle was out trying to get the coffin and such ready at the time. And your father – bless him tried to hurry to get here but too late.”
“He looks peaceful, does he not?” Anne contemplated and her aunt smiled,
“Yes, more so than he has in a long time.”
“I hope he rests in peace.”
“Oh, what peace he shall have away from all of us!” Aunt Anne smirked at her brother and Anne laughed quietly,
“He will sit on the first row trying to explain to all what on earth is going on down here.”
“And he will take care of poor Sam and the other boys for us.”
“That he will.” Anne smiled at the shell that had once been her uncle and though her chest hurt from the sorrow, she felt so incredibly lucky and grateful to have known such a man.
“May he rest in peace!”