Throw
“Throw me away then.”
Anne opened her arms, her stance proud but there were tears threatening to spill from her dark eyes. Too much had happened these last few months for her to let it pass, though she knew this quarrel wouldn’t end well for any of them.
“Freddie – that’s not what I…” Mariana began, reaching out to touch her but Anne moved away, tired of having the same argument with her, time and time again. They weren’t good for each other.
“But it’s what you implied, isn’t it? What am I? Some common freak, that entertains you whenever you’re bored of your ridiculous existence?! – If your irritable husband permits it.”
Mariana rolled her eyes at her, clearly not wanting to have the conversation at all as it were inconvenient to her – she wanted to make the most of the time with Anne before she needed to return with Charles.
“Freddie…” She reached out again, but Anne slapped her hand away,
“Don’t call me that.”
“But that’s what I’ve always called you!” Mariana put on a seductive smile that made Anne’s stomach churn – Steph was right, too much water had passed underneath their bridge. How had she ever found Mariana attractive? – She was manipulative, and selfish – she was mean and too insipid for her. How could someone be called anything else when they daren’t live true to themselves, when they just sat down and let society rule them.
“And that ends now. Christ, I do not know why I- I don’t like you calling me that, Mary!” Anne growled and Mariana’s mouth turned sour, and she crossed her arms – glaring at Anne,
“You didn’t mind for the past twenty years – actually you didn’t mind me until your little Miss Walker made entrance in your life.”
“I did mind. For twenty years I have minded, Mary! You ridicule me all the time. You call me things. You talk about loving me, but you couldn’t even bare being seen with me! Still barely do and, AND by God Mary you married Charles – you refused me! You cannot have the cake and eat it too. You never loved me, did you? – You used me – continue to use me for your own pleasure. You tore me down!” Anne shouted, clenching her fists, doing her utmost not to hit the woman in-front of her. She might be angry, but she wasn’t going to throw away twenty years of friendship – because she still cared for her even if it were only as friends nowadays.
“I speak the truth, Fred. You looked like a man and that was humiliating – you were so… it was ridiculous! People snubbed me because of you! You would do the oddest things – you walked miles to see me – and it was embarrassing. People talk!”
“Mm, and that’s your opinion of me. Thank you for clearing that up so thoroughly. Now if you don’t mind – don’t write to me again when you’re feeling the lust creeping on – I won’t satisfy you. Why would I? – Fucking you feels cheap, and I am too old for that. Besides I’m done giving for your pleasure alone.” Anne scowled at Mariana who looked at her with a mix of anger and aloofness.
“You wouldn’t let me!”
“Did you really think I would after you laughed at me? After you ridiculed my body. After you had given me that – I had to go to Paris to rid myself of that – thank you very much. Leave it be, Mary – it’s over. This is over. We’ll be friends and nothing more, understood?!” Anne barked at Mariana towering over her and she stumbled back but didn’t avert her eyes.
“Don’t be ridiculous Anne, you always come back for me! No one else will have you. Not even your funny little friend. Tell you what when they lock her up…”
Mariana wasn’t allowed to finish that sentence, because she was being forced up the bookshelf with Anne’s hands pushing her chest,
“Shut up! If you ever talk about Ann that way again, I will... will throw you away, snub you in polite society and your name will never cross my lips again!” Anne warned her, gritting her teeth and Mariana looked quite petrified for once – as if she was finally taking Anne on her words.
“She’s a lunatic.” Mariana spat, and Anne almost slapped her hard across the face,
“Shut your filthy mouth, Mary! You don’t know her! She is so kind, so good natured and she, unlike you loves me for who I am – just as I am – she’s not embarrassed by me.”
“You couldn’t love a woman like her. She’s not clever enough.” Mariana panted, still being pushed up the bookshelf,
“You don’t know her, she’s clever and unlike you she isn’t a bitch and unlike you she’s brave!” Anne growled, pushing harder on Mariana who whimpered only slightly before throwing her a wicked smile,
“You’re just desperate for love so you’ll settle for anything. You don’t love her. Poor girl really. Mad and played around by you. She’s too young for you and you’re using her.”
“How dare you!? You know nothing about me, absolutely nothing! I thought you did but you don’t. Ann is not... She unlike you have had real trauma happen to her – she has a reason to be that way sometimes – you don’t. She’s brilliant and I love her! I haven’t loved anyone like I’ve done her. I warn you, Mary - If you say another thing about her, I won’t be responsible for my actions.” Anne yelled into Mariana’s face and the woman seemed to finally resolve but then she threw a cocky smile,
“Do you love her or do you just like the feel of her? The feel of her innocence as she writhes under you. Has she got a tight…”
Anne hit Mariana across the face with more force than she meant to, to stop her from ending that vulgar sentence but her lip begun bleeding, and Anne released her and took her hat quickly from the chair, needing an escape afraid that she might do more things she’d come to regret afterwards when her temper calmed.
“Where are you going Freddie?” Mariana asked her still standing against the bookshelf,
“Away from you. Goodbye.”
“She doesn’t want you – she’s in Scotland away from you!” Mariana screeched after her, but Anne didn’t turn around again, she left, and tears ran down her cheeks as she thought of Ann and the fact that she had thrown her away, given them up – or maybe she had. She had let herself be thrown with ease and she would let herself be thrown off to Paris, to Copenhagen or to Rome. She was thrown. Always was. Her mother had thrown her away first and it just kept happening – it kept repeating itself. It was a constant sadness, a sorrow – a blackness around her and she wondered when it would end - when the skies would clear up and the sun would shine again.