They've decided to stop by a gas station off Highway 99, somewhere south of Yuba City. Dani wants some snacks for the road and Jamie desperately has to go to the loo. Dani had never gotten used to the colloquialisms overseas, despite her sojourn extending longer than she imagined. Although Hannah and Owen never made her feel like she overstayed her welcome, and Jamie-
Jamie.
Dani smiles to herself while wading through the aisle of chips and nuts. The tiled floor is a little dirty, scuffed with sneaker marks and just - lack of mopping, she thinks. High noon is presenting itself in the unfortunate lack of A/C in the store and the cashier looks like he wants to be anywhere but here. She eventually settles on a bag of Bugles and a slim jim, eating the latter on the way to the car. They're meant to be consumed in that short distance, she'll argue, as she tosses the empty plastic into the bin next to the pumps.
Jamie is already there waiting for her. Stretching her arms up to the sky with her eyes closed, and her shirt has ridden up enough for Dani to catch a sliver of her bare stomach.
"Hey, poppins," Jamie says as she rights herself. Her voice is a bit groggy, but the sound still serves as a type of bandage to Dani. "Ya ready to go?"
"Yeah," Dani says, and slides into the passenger seat, settling the Bugles on her lap.
Jamie kisses her when she gets in. "You taste a little greasy," she giggles.
Dani goes beet red. "It was probably the slim jim," she admits, clicking her seatbelt into its buckle.
"And you didn't even save some for me," Jamie whines in a singsong as she starts the car.
"Sorry," Dani says, and she means it and doesn’t mean it, because Jamie will forgive her either way. It’s the kind of comfort that she'd never felt with Edmund, the kind of Natural Dani that never had a chance to blossom. (Maybe the ghost of her guilt had been haunting her long before his death.)
Jamie doesn't say anything and just drives off with a sigh. There's comfort in that too.
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The motel they stay at is a cheap one. Not because they can't afford a nicer one, but Jamie had been driving for nearly 12 hours and Dani still isn't comfortable behind the wheel, so it'll do. It's got a bed and a shower and that's enough for them.
Dani's flipping through the free channels when Jamie comes out of the bathroom toweling her hair dry. The steam follows her shadow.
"Hey," Dani smiles at her with tired eyes.
"Hey," Jamie returns, plopping down beside her on the stiff comforter. She’s only wearing a robe.
"I'm surprised they offer these," Dani breathes a little too loudly, pointing with her eyes toward the garment.
"Me too, but this is the only one," says Jamie. "So tough luck."
Dani rolls her eyes. She settles on a re-run of one of her favorite infomercials, The Magic Bullet. It usually only airs around 2am, but she got lucky. Jamie's still-wet hair starts drooping toward Dani's shoulder, sweeping its tips in a whisper along her collarbone. She probably didn't want to risk the dust on the blowdryer, and Dani doesn't blame her. It looks like it hasn't been cleaned in years.
"I've always wanted one of these," Dani says. One of the hosts is blending up the filling for a blueberry pie.
"We should get one." Jamie snuggles in closer. "I'll buy it for you."
Dani can't help but laugh. "It isn’t necessary."
"No matter,” Jamie waves off. It sounds final.
"Alright then."
Jamie ends up falling asleep on her, but Dani doesn't mind. She prefers morning showers, anyway.
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"Where are we going?" Dani asks, finally. They’ve been driving down the same dirt road for what feels like forever. It might be more scenic, Jamie had insisted.
"Well," Jamie starts, "I've always wanted to see Washington."
A beat. "Jamie."
"Huh?"
"Washington is the other way."
"Like, the opposite direction?" Jamie adjusts her hands on the wheel.
"Yes."
"Oh."
"Yes."
The Spanish station plays on the radio. The only one that comes in clear. "Oh, well," she shrugs off, checking the range of available FMs before circling back to the Spanish station. It’s a nice song, at least.
"Okay," Dani says. She watches the cows appear and disappear in the windows for a moment. "How about Santa Cruz? I've always wanted to see the Boardwalk."
Jamie grants her a cheeky smile. "Okay, dearie."
They haven't kissed in a while. (A few hours). Dani doesn't hesitate to mark her cheek, although her lips have chapped in the weather.
Jamie looks in all directions before leaning over to kiss her directly on the lips.
It doesn't feel dangerous, although Dani wouldn't have condoned it had they seen another human being in the last 70 miles. It's casual and - different. Not just from Edmund, but different from the time they spent at Bly as well. Every kiss they shared at the manor always felt desperate in some way. Like any one of them could have been their last.
But Dani knows that this one, on the road to nowhere and everywhere, is just somewhere in the middle.
She sinks back into her seat and watches the sky turn orange and purple with a glow in her eyes.
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Dani calls Owen with a payphone outside of a theatre. It's windy out today and the few patrons lined up outside are hiding in their coats. The booth is almost too quiet, too small. Far from her current reality.
"Hello?" Owen answers. He sounds like he hasn’t slept in days.
"Owen," Dani says. She hasn't said his name aloud in a while.
"Dani? Is that you?" His voice begins to rise.
"Y-yes. It's me."
"Gosh, it's been too long! How have you been, Dani? Is Jamie with you?"
"I've been alright, and yes, she's with me. She's just in the bathroom right now." Dani scratches at her cheek. "How are you? How's France?"
"I actually just arrived about a week ago. Delayed my coming back by a bit 'cause I- well I didn't want to feel like I was running away, you know?"
"Yeah," Dani says. "I get that." She squints at the entrance of the theatre where Jamie's coming back into view. "You deserve happiness, Owen." It sounds, perhaps, too serious.
Owen laughs. "You too, Dani. I mean that."
The gray clouds have blanketed the sky in a quilt. It looks like it might rain. "Did you want to talk to Jamie?"
"I have to get going soon, actually. Job interview."
"Alright,” Dani says, feeling relieved, then guilty immediately after. “I'll tell her you said hi."
"Please do, and tell her to call me! She has my number."
"Of course. Good luck, Owen."
"You too, Dani."
Dani places the phone back into its slot, steps out of the booth, and breathes. The first drops of rain land on her skin.
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Memories are like balloons. They can be filled to the brim one moment and then be deflated and forgotten the next.
Sometimes they're still fully functional years later and sometimes, all the time, you never know when they're going to pop.
Dani has the terrible luck of finding balloons at every street turn.
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It's around 8pm when they chance upon a gay bar, although they didn't realize that it was one before they stepped in and saw the typecasts swarming the dancefloor. The extremes still dominate even in a state that's as liberal as it gets, it seems.
Jamie gives her hand a small squeeze. They look a little swampy trying to escape from the torrents outside. "I'll go grab us a couple of beers," she says, and leaves Dani to stand awkwardly, to fend for herself near the warm bodies having a clumsy go at a Joan Jett & the Blackhearts tune. Her arms are stiff down her sides and she's avoiding eye contact with anyone and everyone. After a few minutes of watching the specks of light hit a particular corner on the floor tile, she looks to the bar in search.
Jamie's talking to someone. A girl.
Dani narrows her eyes. The girl probably got her haircut at a men's barber shop, and the collared shirt she’s donning is buttoned all the way up. Her gel-lined hair can be spotted even in the dark of the room.
Dani feels something stir in the pit of her stomach. It's unnerving, as she watches their conversation unfold. Probably just small talk, she figures, until she sees the stranger try to brush a strand of Jamie's hair away from her face. Dani goes through a range of emotions, from alarmed to disheartened to a flash of anger, and then - peace. Because she's in the position to feel all of these mundane, human things, typical of any relationship. She chuckles at the jolly of it all, and laughs even more when she sees Jamie's scowl and inaudible rebuttal at the girl before marching back over to Dani like nothing had happened. "Here ya go, poppins."
Dani smiles at her. "Why do you always call me that?"
"What? Poppins?" Jamie confirms, and at Dani's nod she continues, "Why? Do you dislike it?"
"No! Not at all. I just- I like just Dani too."
"Alright, then," Jamie says, returning her hand to its home in Dani's hand. "Dani it is."
And Dani suddenly gets the urge to say- well it's just the moment, she thinks, and chooses not to say anything.
"Ladies of this establishment," a broad-shouldered woman announces on the stage, "it's karaoke time!" she yells out with a beer to the crowd. "Open to anyone brave enough to come up on stage and show us what you've got!"
Jamie turns to her with a glint in her eye, and before Dani has a chance to process anything, Jamie's already halfway across the room, strutting to the microphone.
The lights are gaudy behind her as she whispers her song choice to the sound guy. Dani readies herself in anticipation. She has no idea what to expect.
Then the first few notes of the guitar strings begin to ring out. She recognizes the melody immediately. It's Fast Car by Tracy Chapman.
Jamie's singing is unremarkable, and her attempt at an American accent leaves much to be desired. The rest of the crowd is hyping her up and occasionally joining in with off-key adlibs.
Dani finds herself inexplicably tearing up in the middle of the second verse. There's something equally overwhelming and calming about all of this.
Because Fast Car is one of Dani's favorite songs, although she doesn't think that she ever mentioned it to Jamie, and Jamie's looking at her like she's the only girl in the room, and she can't say I love you to Jamie yet, but that's- yet, for now, maybe in the future. And there's no Edmund, or Peter, or the Lady in the Lake here.
There's only Jamie singing to her in the light, and it feels like everything else has fallen away.