Chapter 3, Lost and found
Everything she had worked on for years, everything she had built, was all in vain. She wanted a family; she wanted to be there for someone, belong to something. And yet, here she is, dressed in black.
The bells toll. A picture of March sits on top of a memorial. March had many friends, but no one else is here. Just a lone woman, mourning her daughter.
The bells toll. Now she has to carry on, carry the memory.
The bells toll. There is a coffin. She tries to lift it, but she can’t do it alone.
The bells toll. Birds fly overhead, maybe she flew up just like they do?
The bells toll. It’s getting louder. Ear-splitting, inconceivable bells.
The bells toll.
Himeko jolts awake, almost startling Kafka. Almost.
“Easy there. What’s wrong?” She put her phone down next to her.
Breathing shakily, Himeko sits up. “Horrible nightmare. Feel like my head’s about to burst.”
Kafka sits up next to her, grabs her shoulder, and pulls her into an embrace. “Want some air?”
“And some coffee,” Himeko responds groggily, rubbing her eyes and groaning.
“I knew this day would come.” Kafka gets up, chuckling. She walks over to her kitchen and starts making some noise. Cabinets and such can be heard, but she is just out of sight. Himeko follows her, only to see her holding a bag of Himeko’s favourite coffee.
“Seriously?” Himeko couldn’t help but smile. “Yes, seriously.” Kafka kept her hands busy to hide it but seemed unusually emotional in the way she answered.
“After we... broke up, I missed the smell of your coffee. I started drinking it just the way you used to make it; something about it calmed me down.” As she spoke, she deliberately averted her gaze away from Himeko.
Himeko brought a hand to Kafka’s back and rubbed those same circles Kafka always rubs for her. “I’m sorry, Kafka, I don’t know what to say...”
“You don’t have to say anything, dear. I just missed you.” She feigned a smile, the same way she always does, the same way she did when Himeko was leaving.
“Is something wrong?” Himeko’s hand disconnected from Kafka’s back as she walked over to her coffee machine. She let the machine do its thing as she leaned her back against the counter.
“No, not really.” She said while wiping her eyes.
Himeko took a step closer to her. “I know something is wrong. I can see it in your painful little smile and those tired eyes.” She reached out a hand.
“I just...” Kafka gave her hand to Himeko. She dropped the smile and looked into her eyes. “I find myself feeling guilty for enjoying being around you while you are going through so much pain.”
Tears stream down her face, but this time, she doesn’t wipe them. “I can’t imagine this will last. Even if it did, I will do something to screw it up. I’m just waiting to see when you will leave again.” She took a deep breath. “I know I’m being selfish bu-”
She was interrupted by Himeko closing the distance between them and between their lips. The kiss was short and sweet, like a promise.
Himeko pulled back and cupped Kafka’s cheeks. “You aren’t being selfish. You’ve helped me so much, expecting me to leave you in return.” Tears welled up in her eyes “I’m sorry for making you feel this way, I’m sorry for everything that happened.”
Kafka looked at her in the warmest, most trusting way she has ever looked at her. This alone made Himeko swear to herself that she would never break that trust again.
“Himmy... a-are you sure about this?” Her usual composure was cracked, her voice trembling.
Himeko smiled at her. “If you want to try again with me, then... yes.” All of their walls were down, their masks off. This time, it was by choice for both of them.
Maybe they have both grown since last time, or maybe they spent too much time lamenting their previous relationship.
Kafka pulled her into a hug.
“I love you. I’ve always loved you. I never stopped loving you for a second.”
Happy little tears kept staining Himeko’s shirt, but Kafka’s shirt wasn’t safe either.
“I love you too. It was always you, I never wanted anyone else.”
Kafka pulled back only to kiss Himeko again. After the cute little kiss, she smiled at her and just looked into her eyes for a while.
“Our coffee is ready, love.” She turned to grab the mugs filled with coffee. “Let’s go on the balcony and sit down. The city is very pretty this time of night.” Himeko nodded.
“Grab my phone while you’re at it, please.”
Himeko grabs Kafka’s phone and opens the balcony door for her. They sit down with their coffee, the smell feeling more nostalgic than ever.
“Someone’s blowing up your phone, Kafka,” Himeko said, half concerned, given Kafka’s friends’ history.
“That would be Wolfie. You can check what she’s saying. I suppose our messages are no longer confidential.” She chuckled.
Kafka’s phone, as always, had no password protection. Himeko unlocked it and immediately saw Silver Wolf complaining about Kafka falling asleep and how bored she was. She scrolls up a little.
“She is just sleeping here, on my chest.”
“thats a good thing right”
“Maybe. She’s so cute I want to kiss her so badly, but...”
“but”
“I know she’s feeling horrible about what happened yesterday. Don’t want to push my luck.”
The rest of the messages are just Silver Wolf spamming Kafka with memes and asking her if she fell asleep.
She has changed. Himeko passes the phone to Kafka. If this had all happened years ago, Kafka wouldn’t even think twice before kissing her in her sleep. She used to step on every boundary like it was her job. And here she was, respecting Himeko in such a kind and loving manner, even when she thought that Himeko would leave.
Himeko had no plan, no idea for what she would do now. Ask for a transfer to LA? She has so much baggage back home, but for March, she is willing to drop everything immediately. Poor March.
Maybe now that Kafka is in the picture again, things won’t be as miserable as they could be? The thought of being alone, caring for March reminded her of that nightmare. Shivers climb up her neck.
“Something on your mind?” Kafka asks, sipping her coffee. Himeko, too, sips her coffee before answering. It had been days since she last had one.
“Maybe things will be easier having you around. With March I mean. I can’t bear the thought of being alone while looking out for her, or worse, her being alone.” She tries to stay positive, still recovering from her breakdown that happened yesterday.
“Neither of those will happen. You have me and my gang. They are all worried about you.” She chuckles “Even Wolfie.” She puts the cup to her lips.
Himeko takes a silent breath. “I can’t thank you enough. You and your friends, I appreciate you so much.”
Kafka puts down her cup and puts her hands over Himeko’s. “I will take care of you. Anything you need, I will get done. I care about Marchie and you.”
Himeko silently leans her head onto Kafka’s shoulder. “Yes, baby, lean on me. I will support you. Both like this and in any other way I can.” She leans her head on top of Himeko’s.
They spend some time in silence together, watching the night turn into the morning, the darkness dissipating, light taking over. Once their cups are empty and their hearts full, they hear a very loud motorcycle pull up below.
“Blade is here to open today.” She yawns and stretches. “I suppose it is time for us to get busy. You can go back to bed if you’d like.” She walks back in and starts getting dressed.
Himeko does feel like staying in today, but in her mind, the time for sleep has passed. She follows in Kafka’s footsteps and joins her in dressing for the day.
By the time Himeko takes off her pyjamas, Kafka is already dressed. She stops to stare at her chest with a smug look on her face. After giving her boobs a squeeze and a rattle, she is satisfied with herself, and kisses Himeko on the cheek.
“I’ll be downstairs if you need me, love.” Himeko looks at her, unamused, and shakes her head in disbelief.
After getting dressed, she decided to write a few emails and explain her situation in detail. On a coffee table rests a purple laptop.
She thinks to herself, “Of course it’s purple,” before turning it on. It boots up with no password as usual, and the desktop pops up.
The wallpaper is a picture of Himeko and Kafka from all those years ago. Himeko took a deep breath and then navigated to the browser. She does spot some folders with interesting names such as “Himmy poems” and “Himmy pictures” but shakes off her desire to intrude into Kafka’s privacy.
Kafka is pretty obsessive; this much was very clear to Himeko, so all these things are hardly a surprise. She logs in to her work email and begins writing emails in the most boring, formal language possible.
Hours pass as she notifies everyone, and she sits back on the couch, emotionally exhausted. She makes another coffee for herself, after which she sits back down and begins texting her work group chat, the one with all her subordinates.
She quickly explained that she is most likely going to transfer to be able to better care for her daughter and that her coworkers wish her well. They all love her and will miss her, but no one is going to protest when her daughter’s health is the reason she is leaving.
“One more email”, she thinks to herself, as she begins typing up her request to relocate and transfer to LA. By the time the email is composed, her coffee cup is empty once again.
She is about to press send when Kafka walks in, carrying three plastic bags.
“Oh, what are you up to, Himmy?” She asked cheerfully, setting the plastic bags down on the coffee table and sitting down next to Himeko.
“Read for yourself.” Himeko turns the laptop towards Kafka, her hands a little shaky. This is a big decision.
Kafka patiently reads and then promptly presses send. “It is the right choice.”
Himeko takes a big breath, one of relief. Sometimes Kafka does make things easier. “Should’ve known you would do that.” She chuckles, with a hint of nervousness in her voice.
“There is nothing to think about. March is here, so you should be as well.” Kafka looks at her with that ever-patient smile, the confident smile that always wins Himeko’s heart over.
“I suppose you are right.” Himeko rubs her face with her hands. She was happy to be done with all this work-related nonsense.
Meanwhile, Kafka opened those plastic bags and pulled out something that smelled delicious.
“Mmm, what is that? Smells delicious.” Himeko asked, salivating.
“Bladie loves cooking, but he lives alone, so he brings food for everyone at times. It’s his way of showing love. He brought some for you, too.” Kafka opens two bowls of noodles and quickly brings some chopsticks from a drawer.
She passes it to Himeko “Enjoy your meal, dear.”
Himeko slurps down a bit of the noodles before asking, “What’s in the third bag?”
“Ah, this... Just some gifts for March from the gang to wish her a fast recovery.” Himeko could cry.
“That’s kind of them. I’m sure she will appreciate it, even if she can’t remember.” She kept digging into the food.
After they finished their food, they decided to visit March, they even picked up their own “get well soon” cards.
On the drive there, Himeko’s mind was going crazy, but Kafka was there to assure her it would be okay. Yesterday, when Himeko was out of it, Kafka talked to Dr. Rodriguez on the phone, and the call ended on a positive note.
They took the elevator up to March’s floor and talked to the nurse. After explaining that they were there to visit, they walked up to her room. Kafka squeezed Himeko’s hand before they entered.
She wasn’t alone this time. Stelle was there, as well as a tall boy with dark hair.
They seemingly interrupted the three mid-conversation, and March was, at first glance, doing a lot better.
Stelle stood up “Miss Himeko, hi! This is Dan Heng, one of our friends.” Dan Heng and Himeko shook hands.
Kafka spoke up to introduce herself, in classic Kafka fashion. “I’m Kafka, I’m sort of like March’s aunt.” She shook hands with them.
“Oh, March mentioned you. She said you are really cool.” Stelle recalled.
“Hear that, Himeko? I’m really cool.” She teased.
Himeko rolled her eyes before asking, “How is March?”
“Confused, tired, lost.” March tried her best to speak, but she was really tired. “They said I yelled at you yesterday, Miss Himeko. I’m sorry. I can’t remember it, though.”
Tears welled up immediately in Himeko’s eyes “That’s okay, you don’t have to apologise, not to me.” She kneeled next to March and took her hand.
“I’m not sure if you remember who they are, but the gang sent you some gifts.” Kafka places a bag full of gifts and notes on the bedside table. “They all wish you a fast recovery.”
“Thank you, Miss... uh...” March could not remember. “Kafka.” She said calmly and with a smile. “Thank you, Miss Kafka, and thank the people who are wishing me well.”
“See, you are doing well. I know it’s difficult, but you can beat this memory thing.” Kafka smiled and flexed her arm while gesticulating.
March smiled, but she seemed a bit drowsy.
Stelle asked March, “Do you want us to go now? You seem exhausted. We will definitely be back later.”
“I don’t want you to go, but I think...” She yawns “I think I’ll fall asleep soon.”
They stay until she falls asleep, quietly chatting amongst themselves. When she does fall asleep, Himeko tucks her in, and they quickly all leave the room.
They say bye to each other, and Himeko is left with just Kafka once more.
“You look so tired, Himmy. She was a bit better today, see? It’s not all bad.” Himeko listened to Kafka’s words, but she felt like throwing up. Her March, calling her ‘Miss Himeko’? It is just wrong. Everything is wrong.
“I’m fine. It’s just hard to see her like that.” Kafka grabbed her hand and squeezed it.
“She is a strong girl; she will get through this. We will make sure of it.”
Himeko sighed. “You’re right.”
When they returned home, Himeko brainstormed ideas for how to help March, while Kafka helped downstairs at the parlour.
Finally, a great idea hit Himeko. She ran downstairs
“Kafka, do you have any empty notebooks?” She looked super serious.
Kafka immediately went into her office and grabbed a brand-new notebook. “Here you go, dear. Need anything else?”
“No, thank you for the notebook.” She practically sprinted back upstairs, grabbed a pen and went to town on that notebook.
She wrote about herself and about March, what their connection was. How she took her in when she was just some homeless kid. How they bonded so quickly, how she became Himeko’s whole world. She left space for pictures and more information, just in case she forgot anything important.
She got absorbed into making this little memory book that she forgot about time, and before long she fell asleep, little book in hand.
Kafka closed up shop and went upstairs to see Himeko. She found her asleep on the couch, pen on the floor and notebook barely hanging on in her hand.
She took a look at the notebook and immediately liked the idea, but first, she had to do something about Sleeping Beauty.
Picking her up, she carried her over to the bed and got her under the blankets. Himeko groaned a bit in her sleep but was otherwise peaceful.
Then, she got busy making her own addition to the notebook—a page about herself and her connections to Himeko and March. She wrote silly but truthful things for about half an hour before she decided to call it a night and join her Himmy.
In that moment, Kafka felt happy and completely at peace. The only thing she ever wanted, to be back with Himeko, was suddenly a reality.
What a dream.
“Goodnight, Himmy.” She said, placing a kiss on Himeko’s forehead.