the past
It had come up when they were finally unpacking some boxes that they had gotten when Dani finally sold her house in Iowa.
Jamie had laughed at a photo album that included some questionable outfit choices from when she was a kid. “Of course you were prom queen,” she teased as she pulled out a picture from the prom.
The years had made it easier for Dani to look at pictures that may have contained Eddie. While she had become prom queen, he wasn’t her king. Instead it was some football player who had no interest in Dani other than the photos they had been forced to take together.
“Seriously, Poppins, who let you dress yourself?”
“Oh, like you don’t have any photos of your embarrassing years.”
She hadn’t meant it in any way other than a joke, but the uneasy silence that followed made Dani stop pulling items out of a box to stare at Jamie.
“Don’t, luckily,” Jamie finally responded. Dani knew that Jamie did this sometimes. Tried to make things seem like not that big of a deal with a joke.
Jamie had never really talked to her about her family, other than when they went to see the moonflower and that time in Iowa.
Other than that, Dani knew of Jamie’s life after prison. She knew of where she had gone and seen. She knew how she ended up at Bly. All those things, Jamie had told her before. She knew bits of information about her time in London, but that was it.
Dani knew that whatever stories Jamie had from her time in foster care were not going to be pleasant ones. Jamie didn’t have a soft place to land during formative years of her life. Dani couldn’t-- well didn’t want to imagine them. From all the few sentences she had heard, they already tore at her heart.
“Sorry, forget it,” Jamie mumbled, suddenly shy after noticing Dani staring at her.
It wouldn't go forgotten for long.
The lights were off in the bedroom, only a peak of moonlight and light from the street below shined into their room.
Maybe if it had been a darker night, Dani wouldn’t have seen Jamie wiping quickly under her eyes. Maybe if it had been darker, she wouldn’t have noticed the way that Jamie had tensed under the covers.
But tonight, Dani saw all those things.
“You can, you know,” Dani spoke softly, reaching out across the bed till she found Jamie’s hand. “You can talk to me about this. If you, well, if you want to.”
“Just forget it, really, shouldn’t bother yourself with stuff like this.”
And it wasn’t any other night, so Dani pushed. “Don’t start with stuff like that. It’s not a bother, never.”
The silence fell between the two of them as Jamie slid down in the bed, until she was under the covers. Their hands disconnected as Dani brought herself back under the covers again, laying facing Jamie. She wouldn’t push any further. If Jamie truly didn’t want to share, that was alright. Dani only wanted Jamie to know that there wasn’t anything too scary to talk about. There was nothing she would say that would change anything between the two of them. God knows how much they talked about Dani. And Dani knew that Jamie didn’t mind carrying some of her burdens when Dani spilled them out of her chest. Kind Jamie was always there, willing to hear whatever Dani had to say. All Dani wanted was for Jamie to know that she felt the same way. She was here.
Dani kept the space open between the two of them, just the width of a pillow, tucking her head into the pillow and just looked at Jamie.
It took a few moments, but Jamie’s hand reached for Dani’s under the duvet. She reached and Dani moved to grab her hand.
Jamie’s hand was warm within her own.
A squeeze, then two and Jamie sighed.
A sigh that brought the hairs on Dani’s back up a little.
Let me share this with you, Dani thought as she ran her thumb across Jamie’s knuckles.
“It’s just that-- being the local trash was… It felt like being the trash, ain’t it."
"Jamie," Dani cracked at the word. Jamie wasn't trash, never. Instead of an answer, all Dani received was a squeeze. Jamie wasn't done talking.
"I bounced around from home to home, never really settled in anywhere. Denny was older, so I knew he got out of the system as soon as he was able. Me, I had to wait.”
The moment passed and Dani wanted to cry at the absolute hurt paired with anger that lingered deep in Jamie’s chest.
“Six fucking years, being the trash.”
Dani could only faintly see Jamie’s face moving as she talked. Her face twisted with the word trash and her heart broke everything Jamie used it. Because it wasn’t her. Jamie wasn’t trash, never.
“Some places were nicer than others, never really stayed long enough in a nice one though. Too much baggage I suppose by then.” Jamie’s hand clenched in her own and Dani squeezed back, desperate to let Jamie know that she was listening and that she was here.
“You’d think the wives weren’t bad at first, but they knew, knew what their husbands were up to. Locked m’self in a couple of rooms at places.
One place, I remember, didn't have a lock on the door. Before I even really needed a lock on one. First night, he came round into the room. I was only 13, just a kid. Been missin’ my parents badly and thought, eh, might be nice to have a dad around.”
Jamie’s voice trembled and Dani couldn’t stop herself from moving closer, the space in the bed between them suddenly too far. Maybe it was too soon, because Jamie sat up in the bed when she moved. Their hands stayed connected, so Dani pulled herself back up as well, staring at Jamie as she spoke. Her gaze had flickered from Jamie’s face to their hands, intertwined on top of the duvet. She could only hope that Jamie found some kind of comfort of her touch.
“Just a kid, he just wasn’t a dad, turns out. Perverted old men and their wives that know.”
Dani doesn’t know if the story is over, so she just waits in silence. Jamie’s breaths seem so loud and Dani knows that she’s trying to pull herself together.
“I dunno, after that, I never trusted anyone else. Too many folks looking for a quick buck. Turned 16 and left, tried to leave sooner than that but didn’t last.”
Dani stayed silent, only taking the effort to squeeze at Jamie’s hand.
As a teacher, she had foster kids in her classes. They were all younger than Jamie had been, but she had learned to recognize signs of abuse and neglect pretty quickly. She had learned the channels she had to go through, how sometimes it worked and sometimes it didn’t. Not to get her wrong, those cases happened outside of foster care as well.
It was just that the kids that needed the extra help sometimes didn’t have someone in the home looking out for them. So Dani had taken it upon herself to help, in any way she could. She stayed after school and tried to be a positive influence.
But with Jamie, it was different.
Pity wasn’t what her soul ached with. Instead, she was entirely sympathetic towards her love. Her heart broke with the story.
“Baby,” she finally settled on as she spoke. The story was over and Dani felt comfortable moving again. She desperately wanted to have Jamie look at her, instead of staring out into the darkness. “Can I hug you?” she asked because every time Jamie gave her a hug after she had cried she would ask.
She wasn’t expecting a verbal reply, but once she saw the nod she reached across the bed to pull Jamie into her arms.
The hug didn’t seem close enough, so Dani pulled Jamie almost on top of herself, pressing her hands against her back securely. “You didn’t deserve any of that.” She didn’t know the right words to say, but she knew she wanted Jamie to know that she wasn’t wrong, she had never been trash. “None of that was right.”
Her words seemed to have some sort of effect on Jamie as Dani could feel her chest heaving against her own. She shushed the cries that were soft between the two of them. Because even though it was years ago, the pain still hurt. "I'm here," she whispered as she rubbed her back. "You're safe," she promised and felt Jamie sag against her. Almost like Jamie's body had opened up to invite her in. Safety was in each other's arms. The same safety that could be found between them where ever they were. It didn't matter if it was in their apartment or a motel during one of their road trips. In each other's arms was safe, it was home.
Dani didn't dare to move until Jamie's breaths had slowed and the body against hers seemed heavier, tiredness seeping into the embrace. “Thank you,” she spoke as she felt Jamie’s head press heavy into her shoulder. “For sharing.”
Jamie seemed shy as she pulled away from Dani. Bearing her heart always had a similar effect on her. Dani wished only to continue to show and prove to Jamie that nothing wasn’t alright to talk about. She would be here for the good and the bad. She embraced every part of her.
“I love you,” the words pinged painfully against her heart. It was so honest and true that Dani hurts at the words.
“I love you.”
She didn’t take any of their admissions of guilt not to heart, but this was different. It was raw and Dani knew that Jamie felt the same from her.
Sometimes love was heavy. Sometimes it was as light as a feather. Whatever it was, Dani would gladly have it all.