the bad day
The thing about owning your own shop was knowing where everything was and when everything happened. There would always be customers that came out of the blue, but the timing was pretty regular. Jamie knew when there would be people and when there wasn’t.
So on a day when Dani had stayed in bed after seeing a shadow in the window that had scared her, Jamie just waited at the shop. Just waited for someone to come in.
And like any other day, someone did.
He was a pretty-sort of fella. Someone that Jamie knew the girls swooned over. But his face was grim and Jamie felt empathy for him almost as soon as he walked in her door.
She did what she did best, helping him find the exact flowers and flower arrangement to send to his grandmother.
And like her customers often did, he shared his story.
The story of his grandparents who had met during the world war and had been next to each other’s side for the last 40 years. Never slept a night apart, never really did anything apart.
Then he died. And his grandson didn’t know what to say to her or what to do. But his granddad always got flowers, so that’s why he ended up in her shop on that day.
On the day when Jamie was missing Dani being there with her and had been reminded of the incoming loss.
So, on this day, Jamie had to close the shop early.
“I’m going for a drive.”
It was a quiet moment and the words rang out perhaps a little too rough.
“Where?” Dani questioned.
Jamie’s hand pressed against her forehead in a quick swipe against non-existent sweat. She didn’t respond to the question, because she really didn’t know where she was going to go. All she knew is she needed a moment. A moment away from the flower shop, a moment away from the optimism she tried so hard to keep alive.
“I could go with you,” Dani offered. She looked so beautiful in the moment, a book scrawled across her lap that Jamie seriously reconsidered leaving. But she couldn’t stay, not when she was feeling like this.
“No. It’s nothing much, just have to grab something.”
Dani didn’t seem satisfied with that answer. But Jamie wasn’t lying, she’d always bring something home, but it wasn’t the errand that was sending her away. Not this time at least.
“It’s not a big deal,” Dani added, closing the book and Jamie took a step towards the couch, almost to push Dani back down.
“No, Dani,” she pleaded. She just needed the moments alone. She knew that she wasn’t coming across the way she wanted to, but she couldn’t think clearly. “Please.” Jamie doesn’t beg, not often. Never around anyone else. “I promise I’ll be right back,” she added, reaching out her hand as an offering of peace.
“Okay,” Dani said after reaching her hand out to grab Jamie’s. A small squeeze is sent down her palm. “But come back soon.”
Jamie nodded, she wouldn’t be too long.
The drive took a bit longer than she expected. When she had come here with Dani, it seemed like such a short drive from their apartment. Alone, it feels different. The quiet is deafening. She doesn’t put on the radio, just drives staring straight ahead.
The time is worth it, when she sees no one else in the parking lot. She gets out of the car and makes her way to the trailhead. It’s only a quarter mile hike into the trees to the waterfall. One of her, no their favorite places. It almost felt like cheating being here without Dani.
Best part about the waterfalls was that you could travel behind them and nobody could hear you. That’s what Jamie needed. All she could hear when she walked behind the falls was the thundering splashes of water. And that’s when she screamed.
It had been building in her system. The drive to the woods, the days before, just a pressure against her chest that needed to be released like a valve. A good scream, it’s what she needed.
Because with Dani, near Dani, she didn’t let herself feel this. She would never. Dani didn’t deserve to see this side of her-- this selfish, angry side that only came up a few times.
“Don’t I get to be angry?” she yelled at nobody, at nothing in front of her. She wishes someone could answer her, but there's nobody to give the cure, nobody to fix what was happening. These should be some of the happiest times of her life, but the ache of knowing that something bad was coming lingered in the back of her mind. Someplace that she didn’t allow Dani to see. No, when she was with Dani, she believed that there would be more time.
One day at a time just sometimes didn’t seem good enough.
“Selfish for once in my bloody life?” she asks again, the waterfall has left her hair damp and she excuses her tears as simply water spurting back at her. “Just once.”
There she goes begging again, but that’s the truth isn’t it? Jamie would beg on her hands and knees if it let her keep her love next to her. She would take anything if it gave her more time with her. And here she was wasting away the precious moments, because of her built up feelings.
How can you grieve something you haven’t lost yet? It doesn’t make sense. It shouldn’t make sense. Nobody should have to deal with this kind of suffering. Jamie didn’t want it.
It’s not until later that evening that Dani broached the subject again. “Are you ready to share?” she asked before climbing into bed. The entire evening had gone by in this strange silence. Jamie had brought home some groceries that they didn’t need and went right to a shower. Dani was left in an unbalanced silence that Jamie cursed herself for creating. This wasn’t her.
“I’m just being selfish,” she whispered ashamed, not facing the woman she loved dearly. She already had so much. She had already had so much time with Dani and here she was expecting the worst.
“Has it become too much? Are you going…” Dani doesn’t finish her thought as Jamie practically leaped across the bed to grab at Dani’s hand.
“No, never.” She promised like her life depended on it (and it somewhat did). She was not leaving. Ever. No matter how much or how little time they got, there was never the question if she would leave. Never. So she did what she did best and tried to relieve a bit of the tension in the room. “You aren’t getting rid of me, Poppins.”
Dani’s face didn’t change, just still staring at her and it made Jamie wish that even the small light on their side table was off. Because she felt embarrassed and shameful and didn’t want Dani to see her like this.
“Talk to me then. Please.”
And she can’t handle Dani begging, no never.
“I don’t think I can do this without you.”
“Jamie,” Dani said and Jamie shook. Because she had tried to hide this, but how could she when Dani begged.
“No, really. When I think about losing--” her breath stopped her from continuing that thought, that dreadful, heavy thought. “I can’t.”
And this is why she had gone away, so she wouldn’t put this thought into existence with Dani. Dani shouldn’t worry about her. “Jamie,” Dani said again in that sad tone that made her ache from the inside out. And she needed the comfort that only being in Dani’s grasp gave, so she found herself climbing onto Dani’s lap, wrapping herself in Dani’s opening arms.
Dani’s hands were soft but firm against her back and it made Jamie shake. She wasn’t sure how long they spent just sitting in the dimly lit bedroom. She thought it'd been long enough, because her breath had returned to normal and she wanted to sleep off this anxiety. Wanted to spend the night spooned by Dani.
Dani was the one who spoke again first.
“You’re going to keep living.” And she said it very matter of fact, like she had thought about it before. And Jamie doesn’t know if that helps the wound or makes it worse. Because Dani had thought about what would happen when she was gone and that wasn’t acceptable to Jamie. “Maybe find someone--”
“Don’t even say that shit,” Jamie whispered fiercely, pulling back from the embrace, just enough to see Dani’s face. She wouldn’t even let Dani say such a thing. “Don’t ever say that.”
A moment passed and Jamie hoped that Dani understood that. She won’t find someone else. Never. There would never be another person in her life. There would never be anyone who can sleep in the bed next to her. God, she didn’t even want to think about that.
“I don’t want you to be alone,” Dani admitted softly in such a small voice, that Jamie wanted to rock against her to just feel her further in her bones.
And she just sobbed, softly into Dani’s neck. She had been trying to be strong for so long. She could be strong. She could do that, but just not today. Not with Dani’s hands running up and down her back. She couldn’t be strong now. She wondered how long it would take to not remember how Dani’s hands felt against her. It only made her cry more. She never wanted to forget that feeling.
“Dead doesn’t mean gone.”
Jamie remembered. She remembered the moments with Flora and Miles and Hanna and Owen sitting in the kitchen. Flora with her wisdom beyond her years, talking to Owen like she could explain the world. Jamie didn’t know if losing anyone else in the world would have created this heartbreak she felt inside her chest sometimes. No one had a spot in her heart like Dani. No, not a spot. Her entire heart. A heart that she had willingly handed over to Dani. A heart that she didn’t know could survive without Dani.
“I know it’s hard.”
And Jamie remembered why she didn’t want to talk to Dani about this. Because Dani was too good. She would apologize for the monster stalking her. She would apologize and feel bad about it.
But it was hard.
“Worth it,” Jamie responded, finally finding a word that made sense. “Completely worth it.”
Just like a moonflower. Worth the effort put in.
Completely.
For all she cried, Jamie felt more awake after being tucked in against Dani.
“I love you,” she whispered her allegiance.
“I love you too,” Dani replied and Jamie smiled. A small smile, but enough to feel like the heaviness had lifted off her chest, just a little, just enough to feel like she could breath.
And on that night, a kiss meant something.
A kiss meant a promise, a surrender, a knowing.
Jamie kissed Dani completely, feeling the warmth of Dani’s hands on her back grounding her to this moment.
It’s been over two years, but still Dani’s hands on her felt like it was the first time she had been touched.
She would bare herself to Dani-- heart and all.
Her kisses end up becoming a grind against Dani’s lap, needing the connection between the two of them. Because even through her shitty day, the feeling of Dani’s hands and lips on her had her aching for more.
She would be greedy in this moment as well. Greedy enough to suck against Dani’s neck and bite down on her ear. And Dani moaned and Jamie knew what buttons to press. She knew where to make Dani’s toes curl.
More.
It was what she craved after all.