I wanted to ask you
”Lexa be careful with the roots” Becca told her.
”I am mom” Lexa tried to show her how perfectly careful she was.
”Something is wrong…” Her mother sighed and looked around. ”It’s not getting better”
”It looks great miss Woods” Clarke tried, they had been working for at least one hour out in the garden. Anya and their father had left to get some groceries while Becca had begged Clarke to stay when she had tried to leave.
She wanted to respect Lexa, she didn’t want her here right now but when Clarke had tried to leave Becca had insisted and even Lexa had given up.
”It doesn’t look great” Becca sounded desperate now.
”Mom, it’s fine” Lexa realized her mother was upset and tried to calm her down.
”It’s suppose to be perfect” She looked around in the perfectly fine garden and shook her head as she got teary. ”It’s terrible” She cried out.
”What can I do?” Lexa tried.
”You know what?” Becca raised her voice and stormed over to where Lexa was sitting and started destroying what she had been working on all day. ”It’s not perfect” She cried out as she walked over to some other flowers and destroyed them as well.
”Mom” Lexa was shook.
”No no no….” Her mother cried out again before she ran inside leaving them there completely surprised to what just happened.
Clarke carefully studied Lexa who looked completely devastated and she decided to walk over to her, she was starring at the mess her mother just had made with the flowers she worked so hard on.
”Hey…” Clarke crawled down next to her and used both off her hands to stop Lexa from trying to fix what was impossible.
”I can fix this” Lexa’s voice was breaking.
”It’s not really her” Clarke told her as she used some more strength to make Lexa stop. ”Hey hey hey…” She could feel Lexa finally give up as rested her body weight against Clarke’s.
”What did I do wrong?” Lexa cried out and Clarke threw her arms around her to comfort the brunette.
”Nothing” She hushed her. ”Nothing babe” She whispered as they slowly rocked back and forth.
”Fuck…” Lexa took a deep breath and another one while Clarke kept holding her tight. ”I thought she was getting better…”
”She’s getting better but you have to be prepared for some setbacks”
”It’s just, overwhelming” Lexa admitted as she tilted her head to look at Clarke for a few seconds.
”What?”
”I’m still mad at you”
”I’m mad at me too…I have some things I need to work on but I wanted you to know that you are my number one”
”It doesn’t feel like that” Lexa shook her head but she was still holding onto Clarke, she wasn’t ready to let go off her.
”I’m sorry I wasn’t paying attention to you this week…I know I didn’t pay attention to nothing but fixing things between me and Bellamy even if it was pointless. I was being stubborn and selfish I see that now, I just hate the feeling off him hating me”
”He doesn’t hate you Clarke” Lexa shook her head.
”But you been right all along, he will come to me when he’s ready…and if he doesn’t wanna talk to that’s his choice, I can’t fix everything”
”Can I ask you something?” Lexa let go off her grip and studied the girl in front off her while Clarke nodded in a yes. ”Why do you care so much about this? I know you’re close friends but…I mean if someone shut me out like that when I didn’t do anything wrong I wouldn’t chase after them as much as you have?”
”I don’t know…” Clarke sighed. ”Ever since my dad passed I got obsessed with a lot off things, especially things I could fix - or win. I couldn’t prepare for my dads’s heart attack but I spent sleepless nights going over things that might have caused it…or ways I could have seen it coming”
”Did you ever find your answers?” Lexa wondered.
”No…So when there is something I can actually try 100% to fix - I get obsessed. I know it’s not an excuse but sometimes I get lost in my mind and it eats me alive. It’s not the first time I hurt people because off this…”
”What do you mean?”
”When my dad recently had passed I was pretty rough with Raven…she tried to be there for me but I was deep down trying to help my mom. She was trying to be there for me but I couldn’t focus on being sad at that time and when things finally settled for me and my mom I guess my emotions caught up with me and I took it out on her”
”It’s not healthy avoiding your emotions” Lexa seemed to relax a little bit more.
”Maybe I didn’t want to admit this to myself until now…I am still in so much pain after losing my dad and obsessing about things has been a self mechanism to distract myself from missing him”
”Damn…” Lexa held Clarke tighter. ”You know I can’t be mad at you now”
”I don’t want to use him as some pity excuse for my behavior but maybe help you understand me a little better…I’m honestly sorry”
”What would he say if he was here right now?” Lexa asked, she knew he always gave Clarke advice. She had told her that before.
”That my heart is in the right place but not my mind - and that the two off them need to work together”
”That’s pretty wise”
”He would also say that it’s okay to mess up, that I am a teenager that’s still learning - but that it’s important to actual learn from the mistakes”
”Sounds accurate”
”And that he feels sorry for you that has to put up with me” Clarke chuckled at the last sentence, it would really be something her dad would end a long lesson with - to make her smile and as she hoped, it made Lexa smile.
”I think I would’ve loved your dad” Lexa kept smiling.
”He would’ve loved you” Clarke was sure about that and she remembered they where sitting in a garden where Lexa’s mom had just destroyed and stormed out from. ”What about we…help these little flowers? I think if we work together we can manage to make them look pretty again”
”Oh…” Lexa snapped back as well. ”You think we can save these?”
”I think it’s a worth a try?” Clarke let go off the brunette and started digging in the mess in front off her. ”The roots aren’t damaged”
”That’s something” Lexa nodded and started helping her.
***
Clarke felt like she was going on an apology tour this weekend, she and Lexa had spent the Saturday together - it had been a rough day for the both off them and even if they had more problems they where at least okay.
Yesterday they needed each other so they had put all their other bullshit to the side and gotten through the day peacefully.
Now however, she was patiently waiting for Raven in the park she had visit as a kid so many times - it was a little lake nearby they had planned to walk around and talk everything out. Clarke had texted her this morning and Raven had been quick to reply, both off them couldn’t go long without speaking. Her mom had been right about that.
After waiting another ten minutes she could finally see the silhouette off her friend walking towards her.
”Hey” Clarke said carefully, not sure if Raven would scream at her more.
”Hey” Raven looked at her, up and down. ”Ready to talk now?”
”I’m sorry but you where being really hard on me” Clarke told her.
”I know…” Raven sighed as they started walking the familiar route around the lake, it took about forty minutes go around it.
”Did you have a bad day or something?” Clarke wondered.
”Maybe I don’t know…I just been on the side noticing you build your walls and disappearing, it gave me flashbacks too…” Her friend wasn’t sure how to finish the sentence but Clarke knew what she wanted to say.
”I know I wasn’t my best self back then but I don’t feel like you can say whatever you want because off that”
”I just care about you a lot and…even if you drive me crazy sometimes and I might get to involved in your life it’s because I don’t want you to get hurt. You’ve gone through so much and I am scared if something else happens you will…”
”Not be able to handle it you mean?” Clarke finished her sentence.
”I guess” Raven shrugged.
”I’m still growing and learning everyday Raven but I’m not going anywhere…and the last thing I want to do is fighting with my best friend”
”I hate fighting with you” Raven agreed.
”So even if I do love your honesty…maybe be a little gentle with me?” She suggested.
”Yeah…I’m sorry for the way I acted, it was bad even for me - but don’t worry, Octavia was pretty mad about it after you left and I got my fair deal off yelling as well”
”I’m sorry I missed that” Clarke smiled a little now and pushed Raven gently with her arm and the Latina chuckled a little.
”Friends?” Raven smiled at her.
”Like you’re ever gonna get rid off me” Clarke smiled back at her.
Her mother was absolutely right, they would be friends again in no time.
***
The next week in school Clarke had to focus on her studies, she had been to distracted for her homework as well. Luckily she hadn’t missed much but she hated being a bit behind and used all her extra time to get on track.
She was sitting in the hallways and reading an English book for an essay she was about to write when she spotted Lexa walking with Ashley next to her, she couldn’t help but cringe at the sight. The captain of the cheerleading team was acting like she was walking next to an celebrity and was sure to be loud so people around would notice them.
Clarke hated being jealous but how could she not? Ashley was obviously into Lexa and her girlfriend had agreed to go to prom with her…Maybe she had been a factor to the brunette for even agreeing to that, her pushing for them to stay a secret to the school.
Once Lexa spotted Clarke she excused herself from Ashley and casually made her way over to her.
”Haven’t seen you without a book this week” Lexa chuckled.
”So how’s your girlfriend?” Clarke was acting out, still upset about the sight.
”Ohh…” Lexa wasn’t prepared for that. ”Look, you know I feel nothing for her”
”Does she know?” Clarke raised an eyebrow.
”I think so…” Lexa looked back at Ashley that was talking to some friends.
”It’s prom Lexa…I thought we would…” Clarke sighed, prom was after the campaign - in her mind it would have been their ”coming out” to the world appearance.
”I don’t know how to take it back, I said yes in front off the entire school” Lexa was aware off her mistake.
”It kind off hurts” Clarke admitted.
”I’m sorry…I will see if I can sort this out somehow I don’t want to upset her”
”And what about upsetting me?” Clarke pouted.
”I don’t want that either it’s just that…I don’t want to upset her so I lose all the votes from the squad, plus she’s a nice girl, she doesn’t need the humiliation off the whole school knowing I took back my agreeing to prom”
”I get that…it’s just that I wanted to ask you to prom you know” Clarke looked at her nervously to see her reaction and Lexa looked a bit heartbroken.
”Babe…” Lexa wasn’t sure what to say.