We’ll start off with an explanation of what BDSM is.
Most think BDSM is just something done in the bedroom, something sexual at all times, when in reality, it’s a lifestyle for many people. BDSM stands for a few things: BD=Bondage and Discipline, DS=Dominance and Submission, and SM=Sadism and Masochism. DS is one of the main aspects of BDSM, although the others are also really big parts of it.
BDSM as an everyday lifestyle can consist of a relationship between two people, one being the dominant and the other being the submissive. The dominant could give the submissive things to do, like cleaning something, or the dominant could make them do something more humiliating, such as getting on their hands and knees to do something.
Humiliating is actually quite popular in BDSM, because a lot of submissives like the feeling. It gives pleasure, even if it isn’t sexual. For example, if the submissive spills something on the ground, the dominant can make them lick it up. It makes the submissive feel good.
Now let’s talk about headspaces. Firstly, the submissive in the relationship goes into a headspace, normally only when they are around their dominant, since it’s unsafe to be in such a vulnerable state of mind without someone to take care of you. One of the main reasons they go into this headspace is actually scientific. They feel pleasure from whatever is happening, which sends endorphins to their brain, causing them to get more carefree and what most submissives describe as a “floaty” feeling.
And of course, the dominant also goes into a headspace, although it’s much different than what the submissive feels. The dominant tends to get a need to control, it often makes them more dominant and more commanding.
When a submissive comes out of the headspace, it needs to be taken slowly. If they are pushed out of it for whatever reason - we’ll talk about the reasons soon - they may experience a sub drop. A sub drop happens because they may feel insecure, unloved, or sometimes even like they don’t deserve their dominant.
Some causes for a sub drop, other than the ones I stated above, are not enough aftercare, the dominant leaving before they’re out of the headspace, trying to push themselves out of it, or someone else forcing them out of it.
A less known thing is dom drops. It’s essentially like a sub drop, although it’s much different. A common reason for a dom drop is that they think they aren’t good enough for their sub. In this case, the sub tries to reassure them, even if they’re still in their subspace. This is why the mindsets are considered to be fragile and vulnerable.
If either of these drops happen, it could put them in fear of going into that headspace, never wanting to go into it again.
Now we can talk about aftercare and the importance of it. After a scene, whether it was sexual or not, aftercare is extremely necessary. When doing aftercare, some recommended things are cleaning the sub up, maybe giving them a bath, and cuddling with them. If the scene had any form of degrading, you need to praise them, reassure them that they are good, that they’re not bad. Essentially, just tell them the opposite of what you said during the scene.
We have consent, which is just as important as aftercare. In BDSM consent is strong around everything, whether it’s sexual or not. If you simply want to touch someone, be it a handshake or a hug, you need to always ask before doing so. It seems odd, especially if you're not in the BDSM community, but it’s important nonetheless. And it’s also important, of course, during sexual acts. Yes, of course, there’s con-non-con, which is deciding together that you want to have a scene where the sub has no choice (unless of course they use their safeword), such as a rape roleplay, but we won’t get into that yet.
The last few things for this chapter are safewords and the light system. The light system is very simple, green, yellow, and red, just like a traffic light. And that’s essentially what it is: green=go, yellow=slow, and red=stop. During a scene, the dominant often asks ‘what their color is’, making sure that whatever is happening is okay. If the submissive wants things to slow down or stop but the dominant hasn’t asked yet, they should say their color instead of waiting for the dom to ask. If the dom is a good dom, they will listen and do what is necessary for that color. Safewording (a word of your choice that you wouldn’t normally say during a scene) is essentially saying red. In a type of scene I mentioned before, con-non-con, the light system isn’t enough, and if you actually want to stop the scene, rather than roleplaying, you say your safeword.