Heliotropism
I wrote my own deliverance.
- Lin-Manuel Miranda
Elide … Elide could not focus. All Friday, half her mind was on fire, half her heart was pacing a board room, pacing and pacing. She checked her phone for a text, for anything, walked away and checked again, at 3 pm the call came but it was … it wasn’t ….
“Ms. Lochan? This is Sasha, Manon’s assistant.”
Elide had to sit down right there on the breakroom floor, a partial collapse of all that was left keeping her standing. “Is Manon – is she…?”
Smoothly cutting Elide off, Sasha said, “She apologizes that she couldn’t call you herself and requested that I tell you Asterin will be meeting you after work.”
“Oh hell.” Elide breathed. “Okay. Umm. Could you pass along a message for me?”
“Of course.” Sasha replied, her voice calm and cool and terrifyingly professional.
“Tell Manon to fucking call me.”
“Verbatim?”
“Verbatim.”
Elide hung up and pressed the cell phone to her frantic heart, the thunder trying to pound its way out of her chest. Dear god. The minutes crawled to 6 pm. Second by second, drop by drop. At 5:47, Elide nearly, actually, almost smacked her forehead against the nearest wall. She restrained herself out of respect for Mr. Guthrie and the fact that he deserved to have a nice, normal day free of mad women losing their minds over their shit-head fiancés.
At exactly 6 pm, Asterin walked into the clinic. “Hi, I’m looking for Elide.” And the last synapse holding Jeffery’s brain together (poor Jeffery) shorted out.
Laying his head in his hands, he said, “I don’t – I don’t understand. Where do you all keep coming from? Where?? What do you do? Are you all models? Is it a cult?? It must be a cult???”
Looking at him with a mixture of extreme amusement and even more extreme confusion, Asterin replied, “No, not a cult. Not a model either, sorry… professional DJ. Is Elide here?”
“Hey, Rin.” Petrah wandered in, heels clicking across the linoleum, and slipped an arm around Asterin’s waist. “Did we find Elide?”
Jeffery’s head thunked onto the desk, and Asterin, clearing enjoying herself way too much at this point, said, “This is my fiancé, Petrah. She’s not a model and we’re still not in a cult, unfortunately. But she is a wicked good prosecutor. I’ve watched her make grown men cry.”
And that, that, broke Jeffery. Beyond verbal communication, he pointed to the back room. At Petrah’s mouthed what the hell, Asterin just waved a hand and grinned, “Be back in a sec!” Jeffery didn’t bother lifting his head off the desk. He might never attempt it again. Someone else might walk into the clinic looking for Elide. They might even, god forbid, tell him more about the gerbil.
“Found her!”
Following Asterin, and feeling a little nervous and even more annoyed, Elide asked, “Does anyone want to tell me what’s going on?”
From his comatose pose, Jeffery said, “I’m never leaving my house again.”
“Not you, Jeffery. Asterin? Petrah?”
But both women just shrugged, with Asterin taking the bullet. “Manon wants to tell you in person.”
“Manon is going to die. In person.” Elide muttered. It wasn’t even a good threat. She didn’t even care. “Do I at least get to know where we’re going?”
“The Manor. Let’s move out.”
“Oh good,” Elide muttered sarcastically, “you’re right. We wouldn’t want to be late to Manon’s funeral.”
“That’s the spirit.” Asterin smiled and swung an arm around Elide’s shoulders. “Nice to meet you Jeffery! Stay wild and feisty.” Jeffery waved them out the door, still slumped on the desk, muttering something that sounded like a cult … a cult… it must be a cult.
“Shotgun!” Asterin yelled, running for the car. “Get in the back, Lochan. Petrah’s driving – I would, but I’ve been doing shots since noon.”
“My fiancé, ladies and gentlemen.” Petrah muttered, rolling her eyes.
“You wouldn’t happen to have any alcohol with you?” Elide asked, climbing into the back with only a little bit of grumbling.
“Why, Elide, I’m so glad you asked.” Asterin passed her a three-quarters full water bottle. “It’s vodka cranberry, go – oh okay, I was going to say ‘go easy’ but no you just fucking went for it.”
Flipping her off, real friendly-like, Elide took another healthy swig.
Petrah, the one sober (and sane), person in the car, said, “You’re both aware that's illegal, right?”
“Buzzkill.”
“Pain up my goddamned ass.”
“Hey, it’s a nice ass.” Asterin shot back with a wink and Elide choked on vodka. What a way to go. The ensuing coughing fit didn’t stop her from drinking right up till they reached the Manor’s driveway, where she promptly forgot about everything, including breathing. For a long second, the longest second, Elide simply forgot to breathe.
As soon as Petrah stopped the car, Elide shoved the water bottle back into Asterin’s hands and said, “And now, I’m going to kill her. Thanks for the ride.”
“Good luck! Bon voyage!” Asterin called out the window, grinning.
“Don’t encourage her.” Petrah replied.
“Don’t encourage her? I’m following her. I’m going to take pictures and frame them…” And Elide promptly lost interest in the conversation, shoving the front door open and looking right to the foyer table – there they were. One pair of heels, five inches, expensive as hell. Hello, Manon Blackbeak.
Kitchen. If Elide knew anything about Manon, that woman would be in the kitchen giving herself fucking diabetes. And lo and behold! Elide Lochan was, once again, correct. Because there stood Manon Blackbeak, her childhood friend, her teenage insanity, her goddamned shit-head of a fiancé. The love of her life.
Ignoring everyone and everything – burn it all down – Elide stalked over to Manon. “You.” She pressed her palms against Manon’s shoulders, pushing until her back hit the fridge. “You. Shithead.”
“Hi, El.” Manon grinned, eyes lighting up at Elide’s touch.
“You’re dead.” Elide took a step closer so that they pressed together, all the rough edges.
“Yes ma’am.” Manon leaned down, speaking just a breath away from Elide’s lips.
“But first. You fucker. What the hell happened today?”
“We won.”
“We won?!”
“Yeah babe.”
And then Elide kissed Manon, cupped her fucking infuriating face between her hands, kissed her and laughed and said, “You shithead!” Smacking Manon on the shoulder, Elide kissed her again. “You had Sasha call me! You made me wait all damn day!”
“I had to see your face when I told you.” Manon murmured, eyes tracking over her, bright and wild. “Worth it.”
“It better be. Because you’re dead.” Except then Elide was kissing Manon again, deep and slow, hands tangling in her slivery hair, soft as corn silk, grinning and fucking losing her mind. Manon gave as good as she got, hands dragging over Elide’s back and dangerously close to her ass, pressing them together.
“Oy! Lovers!” Ghislaine called out, “Keep this shit up and I will post a video of it to Manon’s Instagram. Fucking try me.”
Elide didn’t bother to break the kiss, but she did flip Ghislaine off and her heart lit up at the way Manon laughed against her.
“I think it’s kinda sweet.” Lin chimed in.
“Oh fucking hell,” Faline swore, “you two are worse than Thea and Kaya, and they keep banging in the shared bathroom.”
From the living room, Thea yelled, “At least I didn’t hold an orgy in the basement!”
“That was one time!”
“I’m … I’m not sure I wanted to know any of that.” A male voice. That was a male voice. Elide broke the kiss, looking at Manon, extremely confused. Because … why was there a male voice?
“Lochan, you might want to turn around.” Manon sounded like she was enjoying this scenario way too much. “Meet my grandfather, Cassius St. Cloud.”
“Oh! Hello.” Barely managing to turn, Elide tried to get her brain, her body, her lungs, into some semblance of working order. She didn’t succeed. “Hi. I’m … umm.”
“Elide Lochan. A talented veterinarian and my very lucky granddaughter’s fiancé.” Cassius said, his voice gently smoothing over her stammering. “I’ve heard so much about you. It’s a pleasure to finally meet.”
“Ummm, you too. Yes. Really. Sorry, it’s just – ” Elide took a second to elbow Manon in the ribs stop fucking laughing, “it’s been a strange day and there aren’t usually … um, well … men. Around here.”
Cassius laughed, his blue eyes twinkling, “Ms. Lochan, I lived in a house ruled by a wife and five daughters. Believe me, I understand your surprise.”
Finally gathering her brain cells back together, Elide stepped forward and held out a hand, “It’s lovely to meet you. Please, call me Elide.”
“Elide it is.” Cassius held her hand for one beat, two, and smiled.
Then – “Granddad!” Asterin launched herself at Cassius and he swung her into a hug. And then it was laughing and oh my god you’ve grown and this is my fiancé Petrah and Fallon pretending to throw up in the sink and Sorrel cracking open the tequila.
Resting her back against Manon’s chest, Elide asked quietly, “She’s finished?”
“Oh, I’m sure she’ll try to crawl her way back. But we’ve got her in the dirt.”
“You did it.” Elide curled Manon’s arms around her stomach. “You fucking did it.”
Lightly kissing Elide’s cheek, Manon finally replied, “It feels strange. After 28 years – we’re finally free.”
“I’m so fucking proud of you.”
“You better be.”
Elide laughed, leaning back to kiss Manon all messy and awkward, unable to comprehend the radiance inside her chest.
In true Blackbeak family fashion, Imogen shattered the moment, running into the kitchen and yelling, “Pizza’s here!” Faline raced Fallon for the front door, smacking face-first into Briar and Edda and all the fucking pizzas. Ghislaine took a video of the aftermath, cackling, and Vesta helped Sorrel gather together an approximate shit ton of beers. Asterin dragged Petrah towards the living room, shouting something that sounded suspiciously like “Pillow fort!” and Manon curled Elide close, breath to breath, kissing her neck softly and smiling. Just smiling.
Clearing his throat, Cassius looked around at the uncontained chaos and said, “Well, Manon, I think I will leave you in your cousins’ capable hands. It’s been … thank you. For inviting me here.”
Manon nodded, her eyes measured and steady as they meet his. “Back to the peace and quiet of the ashram?”
“Oh, not quite yet. I’ll be in Miami for a few more days, tying up loose ends. And then, who knows. I’ve heard Venice is lovely this time of year.”
“Yes,” Manon replied softly, “I’m sure it is.”
“If you’d ever like to have a cup of coffee with an old codger, call me anytime. I know where to find one.”
A smile flickered across Manon’s face. “Jury’s still out.”
“I’d expect nothing less.” Nodding to them both, he said, “Manon, Elide, I can’t tell you what a joy this has been. Take care of each other.”
As Cassius slipped out of the kitchen, Fallon yelled from the living room, “Calling all asshats, get in here or I will eat your mother fucking pizza.”
“Come on!” Elide grabbed Manon’s band and pulled her towards the living room. It turns out Fallon did not eat all the pizza – Imogen is the true bottomless pit in this family – and when someone (Faline, it was totally Faline, never ever mention it again) put on Tangled, Elide sat on the floor next to Lin and rested her back against Manon’s legs and ate her pizza and smiled. Just smiled.
Will you be shocked to learn that movie night at Manor Blackbeak wasn’t a quiet affair? Let’s just say people had opinions about the uses the frying pans (unrealistic but highly entertaining). Flynn Ryder’s hotness (the lesbians agree that man is smoking, but have you seen Rapunzel with short hair?). Maximus the Horse (a true hero, who needs boys when you’ve got friends like that?).
When the next movie up was Mission Impossible 8: The Highly Improbable Plot, Extended Edition, Elide wasn’t surprised to feel Manon’s hands start carding through her hair, stroking down her neck. All night she’d felt it, that low hum of desire coursing through Manon. In the way she kissed, in the press of her hands, in her wildfire eyes. And Elide gave as good as she got, running her fingers over Manon’s ankles and calves, chasing the hitch of her breath, that restless yearning.
Something’s gotta give. My god, it better be us.
Mission Impossible ended and Elide didn’t remember a damned thing about the highly improbably plot. All she knew was the sensation of Manon’s thumb brushing over her lower lip, the heat of Manon’s legs around her body. One by one, the cousins started drifting off to bed, and Elide felt it, the fine tremors shaking through Manon’s body in every place they touched.
“Babe,” Elide murmured, tangling their hands together, “I’m tired.”
What a lie. What a goddamned glorious lie. Light me up.
“Okay.” And Manon looked at her with those wildfire eyes.
Pulling Manon toward the staircase, Elide ignored the way Asterin bit down on a grin and Ghislaine wolf-whistled because honestly … yes. She was about to take Manon to bed and didn’t care who knew. I want you and want you and want you and I’m done trying to pretend like my hands aren’t shaking with it.
Manon followed, just a step behind, never letting go. The second her bedroom door shut behind them, Elide pushed Manon up against it, impatient, igniting up, hands roaming everywhere, everything everything. Right against Manon’s mouth, Elide whispered, “I’m still so fucking mad at you.”
“Are you?” Manon punctuated the words with a brief kiss, a careful nip at her lower lip, grinning.
“So. Fucking. Pissed.” Elide started rocking their hips together, inhaling as Manon exhaled, painting herself against every line of the other woman’s body.
“What are you going to do about it?” Manon challenged, flipping their positions and pinning Elide’s wrists above her head.
“God.” Elide twitched into the touch.
“Not quite, but I’ll take the compliment.” Kissing down Elide’s throat, grinding their bodies together slow and steady, Manon said, “So tell me baby. What. Are. You. Going. To. Do?”
Elide laughed, a bright, free thing, right there against Manon’s mouth. “If teenage Elide could see me now … she’d lose her fucking mind.”
“Not quite where you expected to be?”
“Exactly where I wanted to be. You – holding me like this, kissing me like that, I mean fuck, fuck.”
“Tell me more.”
“Manon.” Elide arched against her, seeking friction, seeking anything. But Manon pinned her still, grinning as she nuzzled against Elide’s throat.
“Baby.” Manon stretched her arms tighter and Elide gasped into it, eyes slipping shut. “Tell me more.”
“I …” Elide’s face flushed and she bit down on her lip. Because how the actual hell was she supposed to answer that? “Manon…”
“Yeah, El?” Manon started rocking against her again, setting the pace slow and steady and not near fucking enough. Kissing Elide, breathing the words right against her skin, Manon murmured, “Tell me baby. Just one thing. Anything.” Her thumbs started brushing over the fine skin of Elide’s wrists and Elide was lost. Just gone. Annihilation.
Burying her face in Manon’s shoulder, Elide finally said, “You – you after lacrosse practice in college. You’d have your hair this messy ponytail and you were all – it just … it did things to my brain.”
Elide didn’t make it any further because Manon started kissing her, deep and dirty, all ragged hunger, the tempo of their bodies picking up, my heart is a drum and it beats in wild time. “Tell me more – anything more.”
“No fucking way,” Elide laughed, gasped when Manon licked up the shell of her ear, laughed again. “Absolutely no way.” She wouldn’t – there was no surviving that. Manon Blackbeak, her teenage fantasy, her ignition point, her thoughts and dreams and aching reality. No fucking way.
Pulling back just an inch, Manon rested their foreheads together and grinned. “Nervous?”
“Nope. Not at all. Never. It’s just – that’s it. That’s everything.”
“Really Lochan?” One of Manon’s heads released her wrists and came down to up her jaw, lifting her head up. Running her thumb over Elide’s bottom lip, Manon murmured, “That’s very interesting. You saw me in my lacrosse uniform and it lit up you up from the inside out and then your brain just … stopped. See, Lochan, that’s not where my brain stopped when I looked at you.” Manon kissed her deep, taking Elide’s lower lip gently between her teeth. “Want me to tell you about it?”
“Oh god fuck. Please.”
Releasing Elide’s other wrist, Manon curled her hands around the edge of Elide’s shirt and paused, her own breath a little rough, a little ragged. “Can I?”
“Yes.”
So with an aching, infinite tenderness the world claimed she didn’t possess, Manon tugged Elide’s shirt over her head and kissed her again as the fabric dropped to the floor. Running her hands over Elide’s back, down the curl of her spine, up the soft curve of her stomach, Manon finally, finally, cupped her breasts. Elide gasped, the muscles in her torso twitching as Manon massaged her breasts through the fabric of her bra and licked up her neck in a long stroke.
“Fuck!” Elide’s head thunked back against the door. “Manon. Please.” Her legs were shaking. Her entire body was shaking. God save me.
“Not quite yet baby.” Leaning down to kiss the curve of Elide’s breasts, Manon said, “I’m going take your pants off now.”
“Fucking finally.”
That got Manon to laugh, even as she unbuttoned Elide’s jeans and they gracelessly tried to tugged them down, got stuck at the right calf, tried again, an utter and glorious disaster. When Elide’s pants finally joined her shirt in the growing pile of clothes that are no longer fucking relevant Manon nudged her shoulder and said, “Stop laughing.”
“Babe.” Elide wrapped her arms around Manon, pressed her very nearly naked body against Manon’s very clothed one. “If we need to have a demonstration of how pants work, I’m very happy to do that with you. In fact, how about right now, I’m sure there are some great YouTube videos – ”
Manon very effectively shut her the hell up. Unhooking her bra, Manon tugged it off Elide’s body in one smooth motion, the fabric dangling from her fingers. “You were saying?”
“Why are you not naked?”
“Because, Lochan, you’re really fucking distracting.” Even as she said that, Manon’s hands started roaming everywhere, Elide’s thighs and ass and shoulders and hair.
“Oh no you don’t!” Elide laughed, her hands chasing after Manon’s and trying to pin them still. “My turn, you goddamned menace.”
“Then get to it, babe.”
“You – ” Elide kissed Manon once, hard, “shithead.”
“That’s it, baby, talk dirty to me.”
“Okay, you know what…” Without further ado, Elide pulled Manon’s sweatshirt up over her head and unceremoniously took her yoga pants and underwear in the other direction. “But this,” Elide breathed, pausing, her hands cupping Manon’s breasts through the thin lace of her bra, “not this. Not yet.” Dipping her head down, Elide gently licked at Manon’s rosy nipple, her thumb toying with the other one till it peaked.
“El.” Manon’s fingers tangled in her hair, breath ragged. But Elide didn’t slow, her teeth grazing lightly so lightly over fabric and hypersensitive skin, because she wanted Manon to fucking snap. Undoing the bra with gentle motions, letting the fabric slip away inch by inch. Just a little longer, hands dragging down Manon’s back to cup her ass, just a little longer and … boom.
Grabbing Elide’s wrists, Manon pinned them behind her back. Breath fucking ragged, Manon finally got out, “Lay on the bed.”
“Yes. Ma’am.” Eide grinned when Manon’s pupils blew black. Time to test Manon’s control, test it and test it and test it until everything between them ignited. Biting her lower lip and dragging her eyes all over Manon’s body, Elide turned and walked towards the bed. And she did lay on it, in a matter of speaking. Because she wanted to drive Manon insane the way she wanted to keep breathing.
Kneeling by the side of the bed, Elide laid her chest on the mattress, hands still held behind her back. And she couldn’t see Manon’s face, but she sure as hell could hear Manon’s bitten off, “Fuck.” And she damn well felt Manon take a silk tie, the ones that only ever touched Elide’s skin, and bind her wrists together (and she sure as shit felt Manon’s hands shaking, all the little tremors).
Pressing a kiss between Elide’s shoulder blades, Manon said, “What’s your word?”
“Iron.”
“And what happens when you say it?”
“We stop immediately, and only start again if I want to.”
“Good girl. How’s your ankle?”
“What ankle?”
“You tell me if it starts to hurt.”
“Manon, just hurry up and fuck me.”
Grabbing Elide’s bound wrists, Manon yanked her to standing. “So impatient,” she whispered against Elide’s neck. “Are you wet for me, baby?” Even as Manon said the words, she started walking her fingers down Elide’s stomach and brushed them over the curls covering her core. “Well? Answer the question.”
“Yes, god yes.” Elide pressed back against Manon, arching her body into that touch.
“Spread your legs.”
A whimper caught in Elide’s throat as she did exactly as she was told. And a whimper broke free when Manon’s fingers dipped between her folds, painting her in lines of fire. Laying her head against Manon’s shoulder, Elide closed her eyes and rolled her hips into Manon’s touch, lost to the rush – the goddamned agony – of fingers moving over her clit, dipping into her entrance with shallow thrusts.
“Good girl,” Manon nipped at her ear lobe, “you’re so good for me.”
“Please,” Elide begged, not knowing what she asked for, more, everything, “please.”
“Are you going to do what I tell you?”
“Yes. Anything.”
“Then don’t fucking move.” Releasing Elide, Manon came to sit on the bed, her knees right between Elide’s spread thighs. Leaning in, Manon gripped Elide’s hips and kissed her soft stomach, tongue tracing mindless patterns over her skin. “Now, baby. I promised you something. Do you remember what that was?”
And Elide’s ragged breath, glazed eyes fixated on Manon, was her only answer.
“I’m going to take that as a yes. I promised,” a kiss to her stomach, “to tell you,” a kiss to her breast bone, “about how I” a kiss to her breast, lingering, lingering, “used to dream about you.”
“Manon.” Elide shifted her hips against the other woman’s touch, helpless, helpless.
“And I don’t break my promises, Elide Lochan.” Still lightly tonguing Elide’s nipple, Manon drifted one hand down to her core and thrust one finger in, then two, until Elide bowed forward with a gasp. Against Elide’s skin, Manon whispered, “You should know that you drove me insane. The smell of your shampoo. Those plaid skirts you wore. I couldn’t turn my eyes away from you and I knew I had to, but my god, Lochan. My god.” With every word, Manon thrust into her, a slow, steady pace that drove Elide fucking insane.
Her hands strained against that goddamned tie and her hips rolled against Manon’s fingers but nothing, fuck nothing, made Manon move any faster. “Easy there, baby,” Manon murmured, grinning as she worked a third finger into Elide. “You’re not coming yet.”
“Please!” Elide begged, snapping her hips hard down on Manon’s fingers, her whole body shaking with the fire licking up her spine. In return, Manon buried her fingers deep and stopped. fucking. moving.
“No.”
“Manon, please, I’m so fucking close.”
“No.” Manon replied again. And all Elide could do was clench the muscles of her core around Manon and pray for annihilation. “Not until I tell you how I used to dream of you.” A sudden thrust and Elide cried out, desperate. “When we were in college, do you remember those all-nighters we’d pull? Do you remember falling asleep in my bed?” Another deep thrust. “Because you’d be right fucking there, and my sheets would smell like you, and I’d close my eyes imagining that you'd wake up and curl close.” Manon thrust in again, buried to her knuckles, and Elide’s knees nearly buckled under the pleasure pounding through her. “That’d you start to kiss me. That I’d get to kiss you. That you’d let me make my way down your body, inch by inch, until I licked you open and you came apart on my tongue.”
That was all the warning Elide got before Manon started fucking her again, a deep, fast rhythm that had her palm hitting Elide’s clit with every thrust. Fighting against the restraints now, vision whiting out, Elide gasped, “Manon – Manon, I’m so close … please … I can’t…” her legs shook and shook.
“You want to come, baby?”
“Yes.”
Suddenly pulling out, Manon stood and guided Elide down onto the bed until she lay there on her stomach, knees spread wide across the mattress. “Good girl.” Propping herself over Elide’s body, Manon pushed back in and Elide didn’t last a minute, a goddamned minute, before she was crying out and arching into the bed, coming around Manon’s hand.
“Good girl.” Manon murmured, easing Elide through the aftershocks before sliding her fingers out and untying the restraints. Rolling them onto their sides and resting their foreheads together, Manon untied her hands and stroked her fingers up and down Elide’s back as their breath slowly evened out.
“Oh my god,” Elide eventually exhaled, finally returning to the land of the living. “Holy. Fuck.”
“Have fun?”
“You literally screwed me senseless.”
“Be sure to leave me a good Yelp review.”
And Elide might have been laughing, but she sure as shit didn’t miss the way Manon slipped a leg over her hips, subtly grinding down. And she damn well noticed how Manon was very fucking wet. Letting the kiss get all deep and dirty, Elide rolled Manon onto her back and settled herself between the other woman's legs. God, Manon could probably come just like that, with one of Elide’s thighs rocking against her core, but Elide had no intention of letting it happen.
Breaking the kiss, she started making her way down Manon’s body. “I think I have a favor to return, love.”
“Yeah?” Manon gasped.
“Mhmm.” Elide took one of Manon’s nipples between her teeth, toyed with it, the thinnest edge between pleasure and pain. Here, now, she wasn’t afraid. Not of Manon, not of anything she shared with her. “I had this wild dream. You have no idea how it haunted me.” Licking Manon’s other breast, Elide smiled as Manon shifted restlessly beneath her, nails running down her back. “It’d be after lacrosse practice. Women’s locker room. Just you and me. I’d get close, too close, and all the tension between us would go boom.
You’d shove me right against your locker and kiss me like you wanted to fuck me. And I’d finally get to tangle my hands in your hair and touch your skin and learn what you tasted like. Then you’d fuck me, right there, not even bothering to get us undressed. After I came around your fingers, kissing you and losing my mind, then Manon Blackbeak, you’d let me fuck you.
Sometimes it was up against your locker. Sometimes it was on a bench. Sometimes it was on the floor. I imagined it over and over, a million little times, trying to understand what you’d sound when you came.”
Manon’s hands twinned in Elide’s hair, tangling to the point of pain, mark me, make me yours. “El,” she gasped, her core grinding desperately against Elide’s leg. “El, fuck. God.”
Looking straight into Manon’s eyes and winking, Elide kept moving down her body, pausing to kiss the muscles that rippled beneath the soft skin of her stomach, to nip at her hip bone, to lick up the inside of her thigh. Then she finally gave them what they both wanted, dipping her tongue in Manon’s core and slipping into her entrance over and over, over and over. Manon bucked against her, trying to get Elide deeper, her eyes shut, her breath ragged.
As Elide ran her tongue through Manon’s core, carefully avoiding her clit, Manon rolled her hips, clearly so fucking close. And then – and then Manon tugged at her hair, tugged her back, and Elide pulled away with a gasp, trying to reorient her brain. “What’s – what’s wrong? Do you want me to stop?”
“Yes, no, I mean, god, I don’t want to stop – I. Can we …” Manon paused, a light flush across her chest. “I … I want to try something. With you. If you want to?” And Elide knew Manon Blackbeak, her laughter, her fury, her radiance. And this was Manon nervous, Manon vulnerable, Manon trying anyway. And Elide loved her, loved her with everything she’d ever had or ever would.
“Yeah love. Ask me anything.” Sitting up, Elide rested her palms against Manon’s stomach, warm and steady.
“Okay. Umm. It might – fuck it’ll just be easier to show you.” Reaching over to the bedside drawer, Manon hesitantly pulled out an internal vibrator and Elide’s brain whited out. For a moment, everything was just … static. You know, I once believed I was over this. Over everything. Over you. I lied and I lost and now I’m here and I’m never letting go. I swear to god on it.
Biting down on her lip and blushing (like, actually blushing a little), Manon said, “I’ve never, uh, used this with anyone. It’s just mine. But, if you want to, I thought it might feel good if you’d – ”
“Yes.” Elide said, cutting Manon off and because yes, god, yes. And Manon smiled at her, bright, luminous, some (not all) of the nerves dissipating, but love don’t you worry I’m right here with you. “Tell me what you want,” Elide murmured, leaning forward to kiss Manon, “I’ll do anything you want.”
In a flicker-flash of vulnerability, lightning strike, bone deep, Manon said, “I don’t – I’m not sure. What will feel good with someone else. I usually just, uh, lay down and … you know.”
Laughing softly, Elide replied, “Yeah, I think I get the picture.” Kissing Manon again, soft and sweet, she asked, “Where do you want me?”
“Not on top.”
“Okay. Behind you?”
“Yeah – yes. Let’s try …” When Manon shifted forward, Elide moved to settle her back against the headboard, her legs coming to rest on either side of Manon’s body.
“Easy love, I’ve got you,” Elide murmured, running her hands in soft, soothing motions until she felt the tension ease out of Manon. “You still want to do this?”
“Yes.”
Kissing Manon’s cheek, her jaw, her pulse, Elide said, “Tell me what you like, what you don’t like, if you want to stop. Everything. Anything. Okay?”
Turning her head, Manon caught Elide in a messy kiss, whispering against her lips, “I promise.” And then, “Your fingers, first.” So Elide slowly fucked Manon with two fingers, then three, reveling in her tight heat, in the other woman’s twitches and gasps, the way her body opened against Elide’s, like a flower to the sun.
Tugging Elide’s fingers out, Manon finally said, “Baby, I’m … I’m so fucking ready.” Wrapping Elide’s hand around the base of the vibrator, Manon guided them between her legs. When the tip just nudged her entrance, Manon turned it on and her body arched against Elide’s, like an electric current shot through every muscle, every nerve.
“Yes,” she gasped, “oh fuck yes.” Head dropping against Elide’s shoulder, Manon said, “El, just, go slow. Steady. Don’t thrust.”
“I’m here love, I’ve got you.” Elide breathed against Manon, kissing across her skin with a graceless hunger as she slowly, so slowly, eased it into Manon’s body. And hell, oh holy hell and all the motherfucking saints, because this – feeling Manon take the vibrator, feeling her shake with fine-boned tremors, feeling the wild thunder of her heart – this was madness and glory.
As the vibrator bottomed out, Manon gasped at the same time as Elide, pressed so close together that the ven diagrams of their bodies became a circle. Gripping Elide’s hand, Manon taught her how to shift it in a steady, shallow motion that set her hips to rocking.
Even as Manon’s hands fisted in the sheets, her eyes fell shut. “Baby,” she murmured, twitching against Elide, “I need – I’m so close. I need you to touch me.”
Anything, I’ll do anything.
Slipping her other hand between Manon’s legs, Elide gently massaged her clit in time to the motion of the vibrator. Against Manon’s cheek, she said, “I love you, Manon Blackbeak. You have no idea how much I love you.”
And Manon came, breathing Elide’s name like prayer and promise and vow, her orgasm pouring through every limb, igniting her from the inside out. Touching Manon – her breasts, her ribs, her stomach, her hips – Elide guided her through it. As Manon collapsed back against her, every muscle going easy and lose, Elide so carefully eased the vibrator out of her body, kissing across her shoulder and neck as Manon quietly gasped.
I’m here, right here. Their limbs draped together and their kisses turned languid, soft, hands drifting over skin in the slow amber of the night. I love you. Nuzzling, pressing a smile, a laugh into each other’s skin. My god, my god. Tangling their legs together, eyes falling shut, flotsam drifting home after the storm. One day, maybe you’ll know just how much I love you. This much.
This much.
+
The next morning, Elide woke up to Manon’s body intertwined around her own. She didn’t ever recall being so warm. Daylight broke through the room and she remembered everything. All the long lonely nights, all her shit, all her sins. Loss and starvation, salvation and reckoning. Elide Lochan remembered coming home.
She remembered the first time Manon said, because I love you.
She remembered sitting in bed one dawn – vulnerable and uncertain and trying anyway – and saying, Manon Blackbeak, you are the love my life.
She remembered finding half her heart, right there, cupped in the palms of her hands.
Curling against Manon, Elide slid their fingers together, all the ragged edges. She held on. The daylight poured over them, painting their bodies in honey and amber and gold. And it was everything. Everything everything.