Zeta
I love you like the wager I must win when all is lost.
I love you like I love you, like no one can but me.
- Clayton Hogermeer
Stalemate.
When Elide got home on Sunday, she shattered the stalemate. Manon was sitting there in the living room, pretending to watch Netflix on her laptop. “Hey.” She looked up at Elide with a quiet smile, closed the laptop with a quiet click.
“Hi.” Dropping her purse on the counter, Elide went to go make tea. That meant she could have her back turned. That meant Manon wouldn’t see her hands shaking.
Look at how goddamned good they looked together – all long limbs and high heels and sleek dresses.
Manon doesn’t want girls who look like you.
Manon doesn’t want girls who get fucked like you.
Black water rising.
Coming into the kitchen, Manon kept her movements slow, her voice quiet as she asked, “Can we talk about this?”
“Talk about what?” Elide replied, hand frozen around the mug’s handle.
“What happened last night? The way you’re avoiding my calls? Avoiding me?”
“Don’t be so dramatic.”
“El.” A sharp sigh. Manon tried to restrain it, but it slipped out anyway. “I’m not being dramatic. I’m just stating the facts.”
“Well, they’re stupid facts.” And Elide didn’t turn around, and she didn’t let go of the mug.
“Okay.” Manon let out another sigh. Slower. Deeper. She turned and walked back into the living room. “Will you come over here and talk to me?”
“Why.”
“Because it looks like we’re about to have a fight. And I’m not fighting with you in the kitchen.” Because they both remembered the last time Elide had a fight in a kitchen. Blood on her face and snap. crackle. bam. “Please. El. Let’s talk about this.”
“Okay.” She eventually moved. She eventually sat on the couch. She –
Alessandra made Manon laugh.
Alessandra made Manon light up.
Alessandra looked like she belonged at Manon’s side. Anyone could see it. Anyone.
“Want to tell me why you won’t look me in the eyes?”
“Want to tell me why you looked like you wanted to fuck her?” The words slipped out before Elide could stop them. She didn’t want to stop them.
“Excuse me?” Manon blinked, face going pale. Edging towards well and truly pissed.
“Alessandra.” Elide spit the name. Her name. “You two looked awfully cozy.”
Deep breath. “Yes, Lis and I have a history. No, it didn’t repeat itself. And it will never repeat itself.”
“Really?” Elide's voice was sharp, claws out, a wonderwall of pain. “Is that why she spent all night at your side? Is that why she looked like she wanted to screw you right there against the wall?”
“Elide.” And Manon’s voice held a warning, signal flare on the goddamned waters, but Elide couldn’t hear it.
Drowning.
Manon likes hot girls, Elide.
Girls who don’t get fucked the way the way I fuck you.
Burning alive.
“I can’t breathe.” Elide stood up fast, too fast, and her ankle nearly gave out, but she pushed Manon’s hands away. “I need space.” Why couldn’t she breathe? She couldn’t breathe. “I can’t do this.”
Do you really think she’d ever want you?
She didn’t look back.
Do you really think she’ll ever want you?
She couldn’t look back.
You’re mine and she knows it.
+
Elide went to Aelin’s. She couldn’t go to her old apartment. Lorcan knew how to find her there.
+
Monday passed.
Manon didn’t call because Elide had asked her for space.
Tuesday passed.
Manon didn’t call because Elide had said she couldn’t do this anymore.
Wednesday passed.
Manon didn’t call because Elide had looked her in the eyes and said I can’t breathe.
Thursday – Manon felt like she couldn’t breathe. Thursday, Manon sat in their quiet apartment, staring down at her quiet phone. Did Elide really think that she would ever … that she could ever want someone else? Why did Elide look like … god … how had Manon managed to break her heart?
Their sheets were cold now. You ever get so used to having her in your bed that it snaps you clean through when the sheets go cold?
Manon Blackbeak was not the praying kind, but here, just now, she closed her eyes. She remembered the words of her mother, on the long quiet nights when life threw them back together, tempest and the storm. Two lonely bodies, looking for a candle.
Hail mary
let me be full of grace
for thine is the kingdom, and the power, and the glory
forever and ever
forever and ever
“Hey El. I – I wish I knew what to say. Umm, I’ll start with I miss you.
I’m so sorry. I swear – there is nothing between me and Lis. I love you. It’s always been you. El, please talk to me. Please come home. Call me back. Text. Hell, gate crash work. Anything. I mean it – anything. El, I know things are broken but give us a chance. I’m right here.
Okay? Whatever broke, I’m right here. I love you.”
amen.
+
Thursday, Elide went to therapy.
Therapy is good. Therapy is great. You should give it a shot. Elide was certainly a fan. Except for this Thursday night when she got to sit on her therapist’s couch and tell her how she was pretty sure she’d fucked up everything. It was all so much broken glass, Humpty Dumpty down off the wall, and we all know how that story ends.
Everything, everything.
Erin listened. Erin let her cry. Erin helped her breathe for the first time in five days.
+
I miss you.
I know everything is broken, but I miss you.
Aren’t cracks just the places where light comes in?
+
Friday.
Manon sat at her desk on a Friday. 4 pm. She had at least another 3, maybe 4 hours of work to go. She certainly didn’t feel inclined to leave early. God knows, people didn’t feel inclined to stop emailing her.
At 4:30, Annabelle came in and managed to give Manon an update on the latest sales report without blushing so hard that she resembled a tomato. Instead, she just reached barely-ripe strawberry territory. Progress. Maybe she would find someone to bang this weekend and finally get over that crush she’d been harboring on Manon for the last five years. Manon was getting really sick of Sorrel giving her shit about this. She also really needed Annabelle to be able to look her in the eyes.
Whatever.
Manon had bigger problems. Manon was out of coffee. Manon hadn’t really fucking slept in four days.
I need to go. I need space.
I can’t do this.
I think I broke her heart.
Lightly massaging her forehead, Manon didn’t look up until she heard a soft knock on her door. “Sorry. Sasha said you weren’t busy?”
Elide.
Manon’s head snapped up.
Elide.
Her heart stopped inside her chest. For a full beat. It just stopped.
“El.” Standing up too fast, Manon had to brace a hand on her desk. Her girlfriend (oh god, please still be her girlfriend) stood in the doorway to her office, warm and real and smiling like she was absolutely freaking out. “Come in. Of course. I’m not busy. You can always – ”
And Manon – maybe she should have been gearing up for a fight, lord knows she went through the whole world with claws out, but Elide had looked scared on Sunday and she looked scared now and –
Manon just wanted to hug her girl.
Meeting Elide halfway across the room, Manon smiled at her. Hesitant. Worried. Trying anyway. “Can I touch you?”
Elide barely finished nodding yes before Manon pulled her into a hug, lifting her clean off her feet. Burrowing one hand into Elide’s hair, the other in the soft fabric of her sundress, Manon just held on. Breathed in the scent of her honeysuckle shampoo. Breathed out. “Hi.”
“I’m sorry Manon, I’m so sorry.” Elide wrapped her arms tight around Manon’s shoulders, pressing her head against her suit coat. A sob caught in her throat. “I fucked up. I’m so sorry.”
“No, you didn’t. It’s okay, El. I’m sorry.”
“I did. I fucked up – those things I said, it’s not okay. It’s not.”
“It will be.” Finally setting Elide down, Manon gently tucked a loose strand of hair behind her ear. “Elide Lochan, you look at me. It will be.”
Twinning her fingers together, Elide stared down at the carpet and said in a rush, “And I’m sorry I came here and I know I’m bothering you at work but I had this talk with my therapist and then I listened to your voicemail and I was scared that if I waited I’d never come and – ”
“El.” Manon tilted her head until she could meet Elide’s eyes. “I told you that you could come here. I’m glad that you’re here.”
“I thought you’d be pissed.”
“You want me to be pissed?”
“No.”
“Alright.” Taking one of Elide’s hands in hers, Manon tugged her forward until she could wrap an arm around her waist. This crack is just the place where the light gets in. “Cute dress.”
“Nice suit.”
“I try.”
Another knock on the door had Manon looking up and muttering fuck as Sasha said, “Your five o’clock is here.”
Letting her eyes drift shut in sheer bloody annoyance, Manon replied, “Can you show them into the conference room? And …ask Ghislaine if she can handle it.” God, her grandmother was going to light her up alive for this.
Speaking as much to Sasha as to Manon, Elide said, “Wait.” And then she took a step closer, looking up to bridge the solid six inches between their heights thanks to Manon’s heels. “I know I showed up literally unannounced. Don’t piss off Matron. Keep your job. Take the meeting. I’ll see you later.”
Wincing, Manon bit down on her lip. Because god, did she need to be in that conference room. But god, she wasn't going to fuck this up, not Elide.
“Manon.” Reaching up, Elide smoothed a hand across her shoulder. “Go. Trust me – it’s okay. I’ll see you at home.”
Home.
Manon’s eyes slipped shut at the word. Please just come home. Making a snap decision that would also likely result in her grandmother lighting her on fire, Manon said, “Hang out here. I’ve slept in these chairs more than once. Go find one of the cousins and harass them. Make Jeff get you coffee – he’s been pissing me off lately.”
“You sure?”
“I’ll see you in an hour, okay?” Taking Elide’s hand in her own, Manon lightly pressed a kiss against her knuckles. And maybe her office walls were glass. Maybe she was done caring who saw.
+
Elide did find Imogen and Kaya down in legal. They gave her all the motherfucking gossip and now she had so many questions, especially regarding last year’s office Christmas party, whether or not one of Matron’s fuck-buddies really did cocaine on the reception desk, and who the hell this Annabelle was.
Elide did not ask Jeff to get her coffee. Mostly because she figured Manon had already dropped enough wrath down upon his head.
Elide did fall asleep in Manon’s chair. It was warm there. It smelled like her.
Mint. Spice. Madness.
+
“Hey.” Leaning against her desk, Manon gently ran a hand down Elide’s arm. “I’m done for the day.”
“Home time?” Elide slowly blinked her way back to the land of living.
“Yeah, babe. Home time.”
“Okay.” Yawn. “That’s good.”
For the first time in a long time, Manon couldn’t breathe for all the right reasons.
As they walked out of the office, Manon kept an arm looped around Elide’s waist. She didn’t care who saw. She didn’t care who knew. (It was 6 pm on a Friday, but enough people saw. Enough people knew).
The drive back home was quiet, but Elide held her hand so Manon didn’t mind.
And then it was like the last week hadn’t happened. Manon dumped her bag. Kicked off her heels. Started the tea water. Turned to Elide. “Hi.”
Hopping up onto the kitchen counter, Elide said “Hi” back.
“Do you want to chat on the couch, or the – ”
But Elide was already shaking her head. “No. Here’s good. I’m good. Because this isn’t going to be a fight.” Her eyes flicked up to meet Manon’s. “I don’t want to fight with you. I shouldn’t have made this into a fight with you.” She held out a hand. “Come here?”
So Manon did. Settling her palms on Elide’s knees, she murmured, “I don’t particularly enjoy fighting with you either.”
“That seems like a good place to start.”
I need to tell you a story.
Lorcan hurt me. You know that. I never told you all the ways he hurt me.
I was too scared.
Resting their foreheads together, Elide tangled her hands in Manon’s hair. Mindless glory.
He’d have sex with me and then say you wouldn’t want me because he touched me.
He’d say that you’d never want a girl who looked like me.
He said you’d never want me.
I didn’t want to believe him.
I think part of me did.
Elide nudged their noses together, slowly leaning in for a kiss, and she nearly sobbed in relief when Manon tugged her close, their bodies slotting together. Gentle. Steady. My heart, my heart.
It had been a bad week. While you were gone on the trip. I didn’t know how to tell myself. I didn’t know how to tell you.
Then the club smelled like him and it felt like his voice lived over every inch of me. I couldn’t shake it. It haunted me, everything I had tried to forget. Everything.
Slipping off the counter, Elide took Manon’s hand in her own and tugged them towards the shower. She let Manon take off every stich of her clothes. Manon let Elide take off every stich of hers. Patient and gentle.
Then I saw you with her and … I believed him. She was so much more beautiful than me. Than I could ever be. She fit by your side like a puzzle piece.
It was the heels. That’s the thing that snapped me. You would never have to bend down to kiss her, because she can wear heels.
Manon kissed her way down Elide’s body, her breasts, her ribs, her thighs. She knelt before her.
I never should have accused you of cheating. Of wanting to cheat. I was scared and I was angry and I lashed out at you and I’m sorry.
I didn’t mean to break us. I didn’t mean to break.
Manon pressed her lips against Elide’s stomach. “I have always loved you.” Breathed there, in and out. “He doesn’t own you. Nobody owns you.” She gently kissed across delicate skin, let the heat of their bodies blur together. “You are perfect to me. You are perfect.”
I felt so inadequate. I was terrified you would realize that. I just wanted to run.
I hurt you.
I couldn’t bear for Lorcan to be right. I think that really would break me – to hear you say that you don’t want me. So I ran.
I understand if you’re angry.
I’m so sorry.
Leading Elide into the shower, Manon pressed their bodies together under the warm spray. She held on, a hand tangled in Elide’s hair, a hand pressed to the expanse of her back. They breathed together until everything pulled tense unwound.
Let this be.
Gently kissing Elide’s temple, Manon murmured, “El, I don’t want you to ever doubt how much I love you, how much I want you. Because oh my god, do I want you. That night, at the club … I hurt you. I was thoughtless and stupid and I am sorry. You are the love my life. Not her. Not anyone else. You.” Kissing across Elide’s jaw, Manon eventually said, “And I’m not mad. I would prefer if you didn’t snap at me and bolt every time things get rough. I understand why you do that. But it still hurt.”
Curling her arms around Manon’s waist, Elide pressed her forehead into Manon's shoulder. “I’ve been talking with Erin, my therapist, about what happened. And about how I handled it. About how I can handle it next time. We both deserve better than the shit I pulled.”
“I with you in this El.” Pulling her ribcage close, ribcage closest, Manon murmured, “Please don’t forget that I’m with you.”
“I don’t deserve you.”
“It’s not about deserve. It’s never been about deserve. You think I deserve you?”
“Asterin says we deserve each other.” Elide laughed softly against her.
“Asterin is the only sane person in this family.”
“I love you Manon.”
“Good.” Manon kissed her slow and deep, their bodies going pliant under the touch. “Because I love you.”
That night, they lay together in bed, trading soft kisses and stupid stories and little touches and nuzzles and smiles. Warm sheets, steady breath. They fell asleep side-by-side, bodies intertwined at all the ragged edges. And when they woke up, the dawn light was there too.