You can't spend your life in the what ifs of yesterday, only in the living of today.
Minerva called for Winky and Pepper, “We need a Calming Draught and a cool bath drawn up immediately for Narcissa. No candles. Add lavender to the water but nothing else. Keep the lights up.” The house elves asked no questions, simply heading right to their tasks. “Come, Narcissa. Off to the bath with you. Miss Granger, I’ll be right back.”
Hermione watched as her favorite professor led Narcissa away, so very grateful to have someone she and Narcissa could trust so implicitly but feeling unbalanced and fearful. Listening carefully, Hermione could hear the conversation in the other room but couldn’t make out what they were saying, just that they were speaking.
“Hermione Granger,” Pepper said, making her jump. “Apologies. Hermione Granger’s room is ready if we are wanting to change from the fancy clothes? Then we can be ready when Narcissa is done. Pepper will make tea for Hermione Granger.”
Hermione did just that, changing her clothes and washing her face clean of the make up she had put on earlier. She found herself clutching the teacup, waiting anxiously on the couch for Narcissa to come back out but was joined first by the Headmistress.
“She’ll be fine, Hermione. Narcissa will be out in a few minutes. I’m heading back to the castle. See you for tea in the morning,” Minerva tipped her head and turned to the door.
“Wait! What? You’re not going to tell me what happened?” Hermione jumped up, “He put something in her drink! I saw him with my own eyes! And she drank it! After I told her not to, after I told her what happened, she still trusted him instead of me and she drank it and now something’s wrong and you’re just going to leave?”
“Hermione, calm yourself. Narcissa will explain it to you when she’s done in the bath which, I’m sure, will be shortly. You understand, don’t you, that the best thing for her is your patience? Not your anxiety.”
Dropping back onto the couch, the young woman wasn’t quite sure how to respond. Minerva McGonagall had never used that tone of voice with her before and Hermione was stunned. “Yes, of course.”
McGonagall nodded sharply, “I’ll be off. Tea in the morning.”
Sitting nervously in the living room, Hermione only grew more anxious with each passing moment. Eventually, she found herself pacing, unable to sit still while she waited for Narcissa. She finally called for Pepper who responded immediately.
“Would you please check on Narcissa for me? I don’t want to disturb her but I really need to know that she’s okay. McGonagall left nearly an hour ago and Narcissa hasn’t come out yet and I’m really getting worried.”
“Pepper will check,” the little elf nodded and snapped her fingers.
Hermione waited silently by the window, holding her reheated tea and staring out at the night sky. She could faintly hear Narcissa and Pepper speaking in the other room and was soothed at least by the pattern of the conversation, even if she couldn’t make out the words. Finally, she heard a door open behind her. Turning, Hermione saw Pepper heading to the kitchen.
“Pepper is going to make sleepy milk for Narcissa. No tea tonight. Does Hermione Granger want some sleepy milk, too?”
“Eh, yes, that would be lovely,” Hermione answered, confused at the lack of communication on Narcissa’s well-being. She stared after Pepper, lost in thought until a quiet voice behind her startled her.
“Hermione?”
Instinctively stepping toward the other woman, Hermione reached out, “Oh, Narcissa, are you okay?”
Narcissa backed away, palms up to stop Hermione from coming closer. “I, I’m sure, I...well. Can we just...would it be all right if we just sat together for a bit?”
Reminding herself that it was Narcissa and not she who had been through something, Hermione took a deep breath and nodded, sitting in the corner she had just been occupying. It would be a lie to say Hermione wasn’t just a bit hurt that Narcissa sat herself as far away as possible in the other corner of the couch, bare feet tucked up beneath her, bathrobe wrapped around her pajama-clad legs.
Pepper brought their milk in, interrupting the silence for a moment before bidding the women goodnight.
When the quiet lasted too long for Hermione, she asked, “Narcissa, please, are you okay?”
“I will be, Hermione. You were right, McKinney put a potion in that drink.”
“I know, Narcissa,” Hermione said impatiently, her hurt feelings getting the better of her, “I saw him. I wish you had believed me when I told you. I wish you could trust me.”
“Oh, Merlin, Hermione! Don’t you see? I do trust you. I trust you more than anyone. Don’t you realize what happened?” Narcissa paused, looking Hermione square in the eye. “You told me he put something in my glass. I’ve known that group since Hogwarts and I knew exactly what Arthur McKinney would spike my drink with, he did it to girls in school. That’s why I kissed you after I drank it, Hermione, because I knew that I could trust you.”
“What was it?”
“Osculum Capere. Lust potion.”
“Lust potion? A potion intended to...but...you lose the will to say no and...and you’re with someone else. That’s...reprehensible.”
Narcissa nodded, eyebrows raised.
“That should be illegal. That’s practically rape, Narcissa!”
“Darling, I agree. Please don’t shout. I’m very...sensitive right now. I just need everything to stay calm.”
“I’m sorry,” Hermione said immediately, softening her voice and sitting back on the couch. “Can you, would you mind explaining how the potion works? I think I’m missing a step or two.”
Narcissa breathed out through her nose and took a long sip of milk before she answered. “It’s simple, really. After slipping Osculum Capere to someone, you kiss them and they burn with lust for you. It’s nearly impossible to sate without...well...a physical union.”
“That’s why McKinney was so angry when you kissed me?”
Narcissa nodded. Hermione tilted her head, gazing thoughtfully at her fiancée.
“What is it?”
“You trust me an awful lot, Narcissa Black. I’m sorry for doubting that. You trusted me enough to kiss me with lust potion in your system.”
“I really do, Mione. You would have known something was wrong if we had come back here and I...initiated something for which I’m not ready. I trusted you to know, even without telling you, that I needed help.”
“But I didn’t know. Not really. McGonagall, she’s the one who knew how to help. I just sat here with my tea.”
Narcissa waited for Hermione to meet her gaze before she answered. “You helped Hermione. You walked out of that wedding by my side. You listened immediately when I asked you not to touch me.”
Hermione continued to stare at Narcissa, biting her lip.
“What is it? Just ask.”
“How are you...okay right now? You said it was nearly impossible to sate without a physical union, yet here you sit and we definitely haven’t...you know,” Hermione flushed pink and reached for her cup.
Narcissa tucked the robe a little more tightly around herself, “I’m not, entirely. I’m just able to control myself after two doses of calming draught, a cool bath, and warm milk.” Her voice was strained, her cheeks pink.
“Oh, Cissa, I’m sorry you’re uncomfortable. Let’s go to bed after we’ve finished our milk, okay? Will you be okay in the morning?”
Nodding, the older woman simply sipped her milk once more, controlling her breathing, controlling her thoughts.
“What was the result before?”
“What?”
“In school,” Hermione clarified, “what was the result of McKinney using lust potion on fellow students? Essentially, he was having nonconsensual sexual contact with others, no? Didn’t he ever get caught? Get in trouble? Did the professors know? Did they just look the other way? I don’t understand.”
Narcissa closed her eyes in understanding, of course, Hermione wouldn’t just let go of the thread. “He and his crowd chose their targets carefully, I assume. You saw the women in that circle tonight. I’m sure they knew what was happening and they were all laughing. As teenagers, they likely didn’t see anything wrong with it. He’s always been considered a catch. Handsome, rich, a pureblood.”
“But you’re not a teenager fawning over him. You’re an adult, engaged to someone else. And he tried to take away your right to consent,” Hermione pointed out quietly.
Narcissa just looked at Hermione, her eyes wide and watery, her lip trembling.
Hermione lifted her arm, beckoning Narcissa over. “Come here, you. It’ll be okay.”
Despite her anxiety over making contact with Hermione, Narcissa could not resist the offer and curled into the younger woman’s arms, tears flowing. The pair sat quietly in the corner of the couch attempting to comfort one another. Finally, when Narcissa could truly keep her eyes open no longer, Hermione transfigured a small, decorative pillow into a fluffy down pillow for Narcissa, set it on her own lap, and patted it, indicating Narcissa should lay her head down.
“Just for a little while, Cissa, okay?”
Surprising Hermione, Narcissa capitulated right away. She took Hermione’s left hand in her own, tucking them beneath the pillow and shivered as Hermione used her right hand to comb gently through Narcissa’s soft hair.
Hermione wriggled lower to make herself as comfortable as possible. Both women were sound asleep in mere moments.
“I must say, I’m relieved to find you both here,” McGonagall said as they joined her for tea.
Hermione, confused, simply stared back.
“Did you think I’d leave?” Narcissa asked. “That I wouldn’t be able to control myself even after two doses of the Calming Draught and a bath and warm milk?”
Shrugging a bit, the Headmistress confessed, “I wasn’t sure which of you would leave, honestly. I had even odds on each of you. I thought you might go, Miss Black, yes, because the potion might prove too much for you. I thought you might go, Miss Granger, because you would not be able to control your anger at McKinney and it would stress Miss Black too much for you. I’m quite pleased to see you both stayed, I do believe it bodes well for your future.”
“Well, I, that is, yes,” Hermione stammered, “yes, it does bode well, I guess.”
Narcissa simply smiled and sat primly in the same seat she had used the previous weekend.
After a moment, Hermione sat beside her fiancée and sipped her tea.
“Now, before we get distracted by talk of the...political climate...I want you to know I had a lengthy conversation with Professor McLaggen.”
“Oh?” Hermione questioned.
“Indeed, I expressed my extreme displeasure at her spell choices and tactics and my disappointment that she had the lack of foresight to demand a survivor of war duel her in front of a young and impressionable student body.”
“Had Hermione been anyone else, it could have ended very differently,” Narcissa interjected, wrapping her arm around Hermione’s shoulders.
“Absolutely,” McGongall agreed, “Professor McLaggen said the same thing. Before I even had the chance to discuss it with her, she sought me out. She said she had intended it to be educational for the other students who would be witness to the duel and had no intent to harm you.”
“And yet she cast Sectumsempra,” Hermione said dully.
“She claims she aimed it down and, I want you to know, there are seven slices in the table near where you stood.”
“Well, in that case, I guess all’s forgiven. I shall report to the woman bright and early Monday morning for class?”
Narcissa’s eyebrows shot up but, other than that, she moved not a muscle.
“Miss Granger, I doubt you believe that,” Minerva leaned forward, seeking eye contact.
“Unfortunately, Headmistress, while I was being a tad facetious with the timing, I don’t actually doubt that I would be sent back to McLaggen’s class. Hogwarts, and her professors, don’t exactly have the greatest of track records when it comes to protecting my friends and me.”
Narcissa pressed her lips to the side of Hermione’s head, hoping to calm the other woman. Instead, it strengthened Hermione’s argument.
“And judging by the history of what happened to Narcissa last night, that’s not a recent development. Students have been known to slip lust and love potions to one another for years. I received weeks, weeks, of hate mail, including Howlers and envelopes filled with actual poison and not a single professor - not even you - could be bothered to tell me about post boxes? Umbridge was literally using a quill to carve into childrens’ hands and no one stopped it.”
“You see, Albus…”
“No, Headmistress. It can’t all be blamed on Dumbledore. At some point you must make a choice. Those choices, the ones I witnessed for six years and heard about last year and the ones Narcissa witnessed in her years at Hogwarts, those are the reasons I can not bear to spend another night in that castle.”
The women fell silent in the face of Hermione’s ire.
“Miss Granger,” McGongall spoke quietly, “I hear you. Those situations are not going to happen under my watch. I...I am more sorry than you will ever know about what we allowed you to go through in your time at Hogwarts. No children under my care will face those...challenges without support. I can not go back in time and make your childhood free from conflict, nor do I think you want that.”
“You think I wanted -” Hermione jumped in before she was interrupted.
“No! No, that’s not what I’m saying. Look at your life right now, Hermione. Would you go back and change any of it? Who knows which little thing would change the course of a life? We were never to interfere with your friendship with Harry. Never. We were warned that there could be dire circumstances for the entire wizarding world. That fear of harming your friendship led to a general standoffishness when it came to helping you in general.”
“And Mr. Weasley as well, I presume?” Narcissa questioned.
“Yes, in fact. Though I rather think it benefitted him to have professors look the other way.”
Hermione shook her head and looked away, blinking tears of fury back. She had trusted Dumbledore, looked up to him, believed he was the kindest, smartest, bravest man...was he really just another puppeteer, manipulating children’s lives to serve in a war that had been yet to come? Had Hermione really just been an accidental casualty of Dumbledore’s quest to defeat Voldemort?
“How different my life would have been had I allowed the Sorting Hat to place me in Ravenclaw,” she said quietly, still looking off into the distance.
Narcissa pressed her own lips together, maintaining her silence. Though Minerva saw her eyes close and her shoulders drop. Waiting a long moment for Hermione to calm herself, Narcissa finally looked back up and spoke. “In any case, we should be going shortly,” Narcissa reminded Hermione. “Harry will be arriving for brunch early, I’m sure.”
“Yes, of course,” Hermione nodded, subdued.
“Miss Granger, Hermione,” Minerva leaned forward looking pointedly at the young woman’s face, waiting for Hermione to meet her eyes. “Every decision, every choice, of our own and of other people, impacts our lives every day. You could choose a different meal for dinner and never know if that simple thing makes the price of eggs rise in France next month. You can’t spend your life in the what ifs of yesterday, only in the living of today.”
Sighing, Hermione answered, “I know. I used a Time Turner, I understand how every action, large or small, impacts unforeseen events down the road. And it isn’t as though I want to really change anything - I like my life now. I just can’t help but wonder. I made a decision about my parents’ lives that I can’t undo, I can’t take back. It’s a decision I never would have been faced with had I been a Ravenclaw.”
“Maybe,” Narcissa said quietly. She continued when Hermione looked at her expectantly, “I know you think you would have been more focused on your own studies had you been in Ravenclaw instead but, Hermione, you’re still you. You may still have become best friends with Harry or he might not have survived the things he did without you by his side in Gryffindor. You just never know. You may only be the brave woman you are today because your placement in Gryffindor made you believe it...or not. Who knows?”
“Deep questions, Cissa,” Hermione replied, leaning into the other woman’s side, “are we selected based on the traits we currently display at eleven or do we grow to display the traits of our houses?”
“Hmm, a bit of both, I’d say,” Narcissa shrugged.
“Reasonable,” Hermione agreed, smiling slightly. She tipped her cup only to realize her tea was gone and shrugged herself. “Shall we?”
Narcissa simply nodded, rising elegantly from the garden bench and setting her teacup carefully on the tray. She felt Hermione rise behind her and thanked the Headmistress once again for the use of her cottage.
“Truly, you’re welcome any time. Just send an owl and let me know you’re coming so Winky can make up the bedrooms for you. Rarely, if ever, do I stay here. When I’ve a free night from Hogwarts I do like to visit the family home on the moors.”
“Why keep this one then?” Narcissa asked conversationally as the trio slowly made their way up from the pond to the back door.
“I simply couldn’t bear to part with it after my husband died and now...it’s just been so long it would feel strange not to have it. And it’s convenient when friends or family come to visit.”
Hermione nodded politely, remaining quiet as they entered the cottage and gathered their things. Just before the pair left, Headmistress McGonagall reached for Hermione’s arm. The younger woman stopped and turned back, letting her fiancée get a few steps ahead.
“Hermione, please accept my deepest apologies for not doing more to help keep you safe when you were a student at Hogwarts. There’s no rational excuse in the world good enough for some of the things which were allowed to happen to you and I am truly, truly sorry.”
“I...I appreciate your apology, Headmistress, but I’m not ready to forgive you. The more I learn from Narcissa, the more I discover how isolated and unaided I really was...and it’s hard to make sense of it in my head. I thought…”
“What? What did you think?” Minerva whispered, stepping closer.
Narcissa, watching from the front walk, narrowed her eyes.
“I thought we were different, you and I. I trusted you so implicitly. If anything ever went sideways, my solution was to go find you. I thought we would be friends after Hogwarts. I thought one day we might be colleagues. I never realized how blinded I really was by a silly school-girl crush. And that part of it isn’t your fault...but leaving me to my own devices and forcing me to rely only on myself and Harry? That...well, that was partially your fault. And I think...I think I’m still hurt about it.”
McGonagall’s face blanched when confronted with Hermione’s true emotions. “Merlin, Hermione, I never meant to hurt you. I’m terribly - “
“Sorry, I know. And it’s not really fair of me to put it all on you, either. But the other professors’ negligence didn’t hurt like yours. It’s frustrating and infuriating but not...not emotionally painful. I must be off,” Hermione nodded sharply and started to step away. McGonagall did not release her arm.
“One more question, Miss Granger.”
Sighing, Hermione nodded.
“You were here last week, you invited me to brunch, none of this came up. Why now? Why are you hurt and angry now? What happened?”
“Narcissa was dosed with a lust potion last night. You know us Gryffindors, always more protective of others than ourselves. Finding out that it was a common occurrence when she was in school was just...too much. Death Eaters on our doorstep, Ronald thinking he can just demand that I wed him. Things need to change. Everyone needs to start being held accountable for their actions, from first years to the Wizengamot. And if that has to start with me demanding accountability, so be it.”
Minerva nodded in understanding and released the younger woman from her grip. She stood in the doorway and watched as Narcissa reached her hand out for Hermione to grasp, the younger woman ignored it and stepped right into Narcissa’s body, wrapping her arms tightly around her waist and burying her face in Narcissa’s neck. She could hear their murmuring voices but couldn’t make out the words and, as much as she wanted to, she would not violate their trust by using magic to listen in on their private conversation.
“Darling, of course you don’t have to,” Narcissa whispered into Hermione’s ear, pressing another kiss right above it, “but I think it might be better for you in the long run, honestly, if you just invited her. She might even say no because she’s so busy again.”
“I’m too hurt, the more I think about what she didn’t do the more upset I am.”
“You just found out yesterday that I entered your mind without permission, yes?”
Hermione nodded.
“You didn’t know that before. You thought I just stood and watched your torture.”
Hermione nodded again.
“Can you accept there may be actions the Headmistress took about which we know nothing because she needed to protect herself or others? Can you accept that we all played silent roles at varying points in the last few years?”
“Yes, that...that makes sense.”
“And can you, based on that acceptance, try to rebuild this bridge? Because from where I’ve been standing the last two weeks, Minerva McGonagall is one of the most important people in your life.”
Taking a deep breath, Hermione pulled back and turned towards the cottage. “Headmistress,” she said loudly, “you’re invited to join us for brunch at about ten. Harry’s coming and probably Andy and Teddy, as well, if we’re honest.”
“Oh, thank you for the invitation. I, well, I would love to come by for a bit before today’s faulty meetings.”
“Lovely, we’ll see you at Black Manor at ten then,” Narcissa smiled.
When the two finally pushed open the door and stepped back into the Manor, Pepper met them in the foyer. “Narcissa! Hermione Granger!”
“Hello, Pepper,” Narcissa knelt down to greet the little house elf. “Is everything well here? No more surprises?”
“No more bad wizards! Everything is safe,” she smiled, her ears flopping with each word.
“Wonderful, thank you,” Narcissa smiled, gently squeezing the tiny hand that patted her own. “We have a few people coming for brunch in a bit, okay?”
“Filly is all ready for brunch! Filly is cooking brunch all morning,” Pepper squeaked out.
Narcissa patted Pepper’s head as she stood, “Of course he was.” Turning to Hermione, she noticed the younger woman looking a bit uncomfortable. “What is it, Hermione?”
“Do you mind if I just pop home to change? I’d just feel more comfortable in a different outfit. Is that alright?”
“Of course, darling. You can wear pyjamas if you’d like,” she chuckled in response.
Hermione laughed and promised not to be quite that casual before she used the Floo to pop back to her flat quickly.
“Harry? You home?” She called, moving upstairs. “Oh, well, I’ll see him in a bit, I guess.”
On her way back down a little while later, Hermione heard the front door open. For just a moment, her heart stuttered in her chest as she worried that it was Ron, somehow finding a way in. She talked herself down from the panic, took a deep breath, and stepped onto the landing of the staircase.