...and don't let go
Hermione walked into the kitchen Tuesday morning with her arms full of all the items she had purchased at the tea shop the day before.
Harry smiled at her and asked after it all when she dropped it on the table.
“Oh, Harry there’s a great little tea shop on Knockturn Alley and I got all this wonderful stuff there yesterday! Look through it while I pour myself a cup,” she said grinning back at him.
“Knockturn Alley? Is that where you went after Eeylops?”
She sat at the table with him, sorting through her purchases, and explained that they had gone for some ginger tea to soothe Narcissa’s stomach after Hermione had explained about Charity Burbage’s son.
“She really didn’t know?”
“Harry, there’s so much about the last year of the war that Narcissa knows nothing about and I think, if we truly discussed the whole timeline with her, it’s more like two years, at least. She had no knowledge of the battle at the Ministry when Sirius died, she doesn’t remember Lucius being in Azkaban. I honestly don’t even understand how she was at the Battle of Hogwarts. She had been basically imprisoned for who knows how long before that. Who knows, Harry! Why did they bring her?”
“I don’t know, Hermione. Have you asked her?”
“No, I can’t. I have to but I just can’t bring myself to say, ‘gee, Narcissa, darling, I know they locked you in a room and messed with your mind, whyever did they set you free just so you could bring about the fall of the Dark Lord?’ Sounds absurd, right?”
Laughing, Harry agreed, “well, when you say it that way, it does! Hermione, the two of you have obviously had a lot of deep conversations over the past week. Certainly you can find a way to ask her how she was able to leave the room she was locked up in.”
Hermione knew Harry was right and said as much. “I just feel guilty bringing it up. It was such a terrible time for her, I don’t like to make her think about it.”
Harry nodded in understanding, appreciating how much Hermione cared about Narcissa.
After a few moments of silence, Harry chuckled and said, “Okay, out with it, Hermione.”
“What?”
“You always hide behind your cup when you have bad news. Just say it.”
Hermione quickly lowered her cup, making a mental note to be more aware of her habits. “I, ugh, okay, yesterday, Narcissa went to Gringotts.”
“Right, then we saw her at Eeylops.”
Hermione nodded and continued at a blistering pace, “While she was at Gringotts, the topic of our escapade in May came up and Narcissa, not expecting to have been put in that situation and having just found out she had an insanely gigantic amount of gold in her vault, negotiated on our behalf to pay our debt to Gringotts and all we have to do is write an apology and have it printed in the Prophet and then we’re back in good standing with Gringotts moving forward.”
“She paid our debt?”
Hermione nodded.
“She didn’t have to do that. I would have paid it myself, I just hadn’t brought myself to contact them yet. I still feel terrible that Griphook was killed.”
“Truly, she can afford it. I think she was more concerned with taking care of things before our wedding or wedding planning got any more involved. There’s a lot going on for us in the next few months and she didn’t want the thought of a debt to Gringotts hanging over our heads. But you and I still have to take care of the apology, can we work on that?”
“Of course, I’ll get some parchment.”
A moment later, the two friends sat staring at the blank parchment, a quill and inkpot nearby.
Harry took a sip of his tea.
Hermione drummed her fingers on the table.
Harry inspected one of the new tea strainers Hermione had purchased.
“Right, so this is not as easy as I thought it would be. Let’s look at it like it’s an essay for school. What is the topic?”
“Our apology?”
“Right and the evidence to support our topic?”
“Er, that we, well, Narcissa, paid them off?”
Hermione laughed at that, “No, it can’t be that we paid them. The seventy-five million galleons covered the costs of the repair due to the structural damage we caused. Also, it actually only covered two-thirds of the cost. Narcissa did not pay Ron’s part.”
“You know he’ll never be able to pay that, Mione. He’s given all his money to his parents already, I think.”
Hermione looked out the window for a long moment before speaking again, “Harry, this is going to be an odd question but do you know how much money the Ministry gave us? Don’t ever tell anyone I’m even asking, I just, I have no idea. I wasn’t expecting it and I didn’t really pay much attention to it other than to know, there’s enough there to pay our rent each month and cover the grocer’s bills and such. Shameful, I know, but I’ve just been embarrassed to go to Gringotts.”
“Please don’t be angry but they gave us each a different amount, I think,” he answered, wincing.
“Oh, Harry,” Hermione answered, squeezing his hand, “I’m not angry! You literally gave your life for us. How could I be angry? I didn’t expect any money at all, I’m grateful for whatever it is, I just want to have some idea.”
“It’s my understanding, from the ceremony we all attended this summer, that Ron received twenty million galleons for his bravery in battle. You received forty million galleons for, basically being yourself,” Harry teased.
“What?”
“It was something like your constant quick-thinking and ability to keep calm and rational in every situation we faced. And I received sixty million for, I don’t know, stupidly fighting Voldemort over and over again.”
Hermione grasped his hand once more, “Harry. You sacrificed yourself for us. You saved us. We will never be able to calculate how many lives were saved by your actions. Now, as your best friend, I never, ever, ever want you to do that again...but you deserve every bit of thanks that’s been sent your way.”
The two of them sipped their tea and let their emotions settle when Hermione suddenly burst out with, “oh! I know what they did!”
Harry just shrugged, laughing, and said, “of course, you do.”
“Gringotts is surely aware of how many galleons we each received. Narcissa paid seventy-five million galleons to cover you and I, not Ron. She didn’t pay two thirds of the restitution. She paid five sixths.”
“What? Why?”
“Harry! Think about it! You and I together received five-sixths of the money awarded to the Golden Trio by the Ministry. Gringotts isn’t about to split things evenly amongst people. They understand, better than anyone, the economic disparity that exists in the wizarding world. They’ve charged each of us a hefty amount for sure, but not an equal amount, an equal percentage. Seventy-five percent of our reward money, to be exact.”
“So, Ron owes what, less than twenty million?”
“I think we should write up this apology, deliver it to the Prophet, and then go to Gringotts ourselves and pay Ron’s share. Judging by the hints Narcissa was dropping yesterday, I’m never going to miss that gold.”
Harry looked excited for a moment and then leaned back in his chair frowning. “I don’t know Hermione, Ron hates to be leant money. He gets very angry about it and uncomfortable when it comes up.”
“Maybe we can just pay most of his part of the restitution then. Leave him a million to pay on his own? That’s an awful lot of galleons for him to pay, so much he won’t even think it’s not the whole thing,” Hermione folded her arms, smirking.
“Has Narcissa grown braver?”
Hermione squinted and looked away for a moment. “I’m sorry, what?”
“You’ve got the Slytherin cunning down pat so I’m just wondering if Narcissa’s picked up the Gryffindor bravery, too,” Harry teased. “Yes, I think your plan is sound. Let’s write this apology and be on our way. I’m sure you have a Lady to see about a wedding.” He nudged her with his elbow. Standing, he began to find places to store all the tea supplies Hermione had purchased.
She picked up the quill and could hardly begin, she simply didn’t know where to start.
“Okay, how about we apologize to Gringotts and the whole community? Like this; Harry and I are writing to make clear to the wizarding community an incident that occurred last spring. While we were trying to bring about the downfall of Voldemort, we hatched an outlandish plan. One that required the use of an Unforgivable Curse and disguises and ultimately ended up costing the institution of Gringotts millions of galleons. Not only did our foolhardy plan damage Gringotts itself, but, in Voldemort’s anger at our success, he also killed a number of Goblins, all employees at Gringotts. We are sorry that our plan cost those Goblins their lives but we had no other choice. We have already paid back the cost of repairs to Gringotts. We hope the Goblin community can forgive us and hope that the witches and wizards of Britain continue to patronize Gringotts as there is still nowhere safer for your gold.”
Harry clapped, “That sounds good. Do you want to run it past Narcissa first? Make sure it sounds right to her?”
“Actually, I do. Do you mind? I’ll just go get dressed and then pop over there for a minute.”
“I’ll meet you back here when you’re done!” he shouted after her as she bounded up the stairs.
“Narcissa?” Hermione said loudly, stepping out of the fireplace in the sitting room at Black Manor.
Instead of her fiancée, Pepper appeared, “Hello, Hermione Granger! Should Pepper get Mistress Black?”
“Hi, Pepper! How are you?” Hermione asked, kneeling down in front of the little elf.
“Pepper is great! Pepper learned how to make sleepy milk! Pepper will get Mistress Black!” and the elf popped out of sight as quickly as she had appeared.
Laughing at Pepper’s obvious excitement, Hermione wondered what sleepy milk was and who taught Pepper how to make it while she waited for Narcissa. Hermione was a bit nervous, it was the first time she had used the Floo unexpectedly and she hoped it was okay.
“Hermione,” she heard called from the foyer. When she walked that way, though, she didn’t see anyone. “I’m here, Hermione,” Narcissa said, smiling, at the top of the stairs. “Come on up, I’m just getting ready for the day.”
Hermione’s eyes were trained on Narcissa as she climbed the stairs toward her, taking in the unbuttoned blouse over the black camisole, the well-tailored black silk pants, and the painted toenails on Narcissa’s bare feet. A huge smile on her face, Narcissa finished putting in her last earring as Hermione reached her, leaning in without hesitation to meet for a kiss and trailing her fingers down the younger woman’s cheek.
“I guess it’s okay that I used the fireplace to get here? I mean, without checking first?”
Narcissa didn’t answer, she frowned a little and stepped back.
“Narcissa?” Hermione asked, more quietly.
“Hermione...come with me so I can finish what I was doing,” it was a little colder than usual.
Hermione’s stomach dropped, she did not at all like the sound of Narcissa’s voice in that moment.
“Yeah, sure, I’m sorry I interrupted. Harry and I were drafting our apology to Gringotts and I had hoped, actually Harry suggested first, that we ask if you wouldn’t mind reading it over before we submit it,” Hermione said with false cheer, trying to pretend she hadn’t noticed the distinct chill in Narcissa’s tone.
“Hmm. So. You want me to check your homework?” Narcissa said unkindly as she sat back down in front of her mirror.
Hermione’s jaw dropped...it may have actually hit the floor, it fell so spectacularly. “What?”
Narcissa finished her eyeliner with a steady hand before taking a deep breath and turning sharply to Hermione, “Well, what else am I supposed to think? You constantly act as though I’m going to shout at you or hex you. Like I’m the one with all the power in this relationship. And now you want me to proofread your apology before you hand it in like I’m some transfiguration tutor.”
“I...it wasn’t...it’s not like that. You’re just so smart and well spoken and Harry suggested and i agreed and I’m sorry if-”
“Did you really think I’d be upset that you used the private Floo network I suggested we utilize between our houses? That’s preposterous, Hermione. If you think I’m that ill tempered and cruel why are we getting married. This is just...ugh! What if I had used the Floo to pop over this morning? What if I showed up half an hour ago in your living room to ask your opinion on which shirt I should wear today?”
“I’d have been happy,” Hermione replied in a tiny voice, “I’d have invited you into the kitchen for tea and read the paper with you and hoped we could spend the day together.”
“And that is exactly how I felt when Pepper told me you were here. Excited. Hopeful. Happy. Now I feel…” Narcissa just shook her head and looked back into the mirror. “Foolish.”
Hermione’s hands pressed against her stomach, she struggled not to gasp. “Narcissa, no. I’m sorry but I just wanted to make sure it was okay.”
“I’m sorry if...I’m sorry but...Hermione, those aren’t apologies. They’re equivocations. Leave your note to Gringotts, I’ll look it over and owl it back when I’m done.”
“Please, I’m sorry you’re upset, just, talk to me. Help me understand.”
Narcissa swallowed hard past the lump in throat. “Not right now. I can’t do this right now. You’re right, I am upset. I tend to lash out when I’m upset. I’m trying very hard to keep my temper in check and not say something I don’t mean. Leave your note to Gringotts, Hermione. I’ll look it over and owl it back when I'm done.” Narcissa moved away from the mirror and instead stood at the window that looked out over the grounds of Black Manor, watching Hermione’s reflection, trying not to cry. She watched as Hermione wrapped her arms around herself. She watched as, a moment later, she took a few steps toward Narcissa.
“Just go, Hermione.”
Starting to do just that, Hermione turned back at the doorway to explain one thing, “I, um, I don’t really know if there’s a way around it because we’re,” she stopped and held her breath for a moment, willing herself not to start crying, “who we are to one another but I have a post box at the Owl Post Office in Diagon Alley. Of course, Paionia is more than welcome to come to the flat. I just don’t actually know the magic around Owl Post.” Hermione rushed out, the tears unstoppable.
Harry was sitting on the couch when Hermione returned, a smile on his face. It quickly morphed to a look of horror.
“Hermione? Where’s Narcissa?”
“She’s not coming. She has our apology to Gringotts, which I have a very strong suspicion is not adequate, and she will take a look at it and owl it back to us when she’s done. I’m terribly sorry. I don’t feel like going out anymore. I’m going to go back upstairs and put sweats on and mope,” she sniffled, still crying just a little.
“First, tell me what happened. You were so excited to go see her. Do I need to go kick some arse?”
That got a snort out of Hermione, though it did come with a quick denial of Narcissa having done anything wrong at all. “I need a minute, Harry, okay?”
He nodded and watched as she moved to the window, still trying to reign in her tears, breath catching with the effort. He waited her out. Harry had known Hermione for seven years, he was well acquainted with her need for silence to get her thoughts in order.
Finally, she spoke quietly from behind him, “I just keep waiting for the other shoe to drop, Harry, and instead of saying that to Narcissa out loud, I question everything. I assume she has, like, ulterior motives when there are none. I immediately offer her an opportunity to back out of this instead of saying ‘we’ll get through it together’ whenever there’s a hint of adversity.”
“Hermione, to be fair, she offers you an opportunity to back out, too. I’ve heard it myself.”
“Yes. That’s true. But she does it when she thinks she’s bad for me. I do it...I don’t know...all the time? I guess?”
Harry patted the cushion next to him, “Come sit with me.” When Hermione dropped down and flopped back he smiled at her sadly, “Hermione, listen. I think you need to talk to Narcissa. Have you really explained this to her?”
Hermione shrugged silently.
“No. Don’t shrug at me. Seriously. You need to tell her every single thing you just said. Do you really not think she’s picked up on your stress yet? And you’re headed into an intense three months of planning what I’m sure is going to be a huge wedding while taking eight NEWT classes and deciding what you’re going to do after you get eight Outstandings. Hermione, don’t forget, I’ve lived through school stress with you. I love you but it’s not pretty. Don’t you think you should tell her about how that anxiety affects you? And, truly, is already affecting you?”
Hermione dropped her head back and groaned, folding one arm up across her eyes. She felt Harry get up for a moment and then sit back down. “I know you’re right, it’s just a hard thing to do. Who wants to admit to this amazing human who is strong and brilliant and beautiful and perfect that they’re really a weak mess of anxiety and nerves. Narcissa has lived through true terror, Harry. She faced down the Dark Lord and lied to him. Planning our wedding is exciting and I am literally thrilled to do every single part of it, how do I explain that all this stress - the good and the bad - adds up inside of me to make me feel insecure about everything in my life?”
“Just like that, my darling,” Narcissa said, reaching her arm behind Hermione to pull the other woman into her side.
Hermione didn’t speak. She just kept her eyes closed and turned sideways to rest her head on Narcissa’s shoulder, she slid one arm behind Narcissa’s back and the other fell across her waist to hug her.
“Hermione,” Narcissa whispered after a few minutes, “can I say something?”
“Mmhmm.”
“I tend to be very easily irritated when I’m tired or upset or hurt and my instinct is always to close off my emotions. It often makes me appear quite cold and detached. I’m afraid that’s a holdover from growing up the way I did. This morning, when you questioned whether it was acceptable for you to use the Floo network to come over uninvited as it were, it pushed my buttons. I felt as if we had already been over that and it irritated me for a moment to reassure you once again that I welcome you into my home and my life.” Narcissa stopped talking, took a deep breath and blew it all out, and then spoke again. “I am so sorry, Hermione, that I reacted that way. I’m sorry for being cold instead of understanding. What I’m most sorry for - and upset about - is that instead of realizing that we’re both in this new relationship and we both have uncertainties and faults and need a little extra support, I shut down. Instead of reaching out to hold you and tell you that, of course, I meant it and you truly can Floo to the Manor any time at all, and that I will remind you of that any time you need to hear it...I stepped away from you. I’m sorry.”
Hermione tried to absorb everything Narcissa said, “Thank you, Narcissa, for being so honest with me about how you felt this morning and where it came from.”
Narcissa, still feeling unsettled and like her heart was in a vice, couldn't answer.
“Can I explain now?” Hermione asked.
Nodding, Narcissa let the tears she was holding back fall, knowing Hermione couldn’t see them.
“I don’t handle stress well. I think that’s obvious. That’s why I need to make plans for everything. I need to make lists and write things down. The calendar at Andy’s was a very good start but, honestly, to feel like the wedding planning is in hand, I need to sit down with every calendar and suggestion and list in front of me and organize it myself. That’s why I had to send those owls yesterday to the professors. I need things to be in order. When there’s more going on than I can control, when all the stressors - good and bad - are building up, I feel very unsure about…”
“About what, Hermione?”
“Everything. I second guess every single thing in my life. Narcissa, I’m sorry for not believing you the first time you told me I could use the Floo whenever I wanted. I’m sorry for not being honest about my level of anxiety. I, um, I’ll try to, um, make sure I talk to you when I start to feel anxious and unsure next time instead of just, like, asking the same things over and over.”
Narcissa shifted to pull Hermione’s face up to her own and kiss her fiancée.
“Mione, if you need to be reassured about something in life, I want it to be me you come to for that reassurance.”
“I just keep feeling like the other shoe is going to drop, Narcissa. I don’t know how much you heard of what I was saying before but I just keep worrying that one of these days you’re going to realize that I’m not the person you want to spend your life with. So, every time something happens that might make this challenging, I assume it’ll be the thing that makes you say you don’t want this anymore. So, adding that constant worry to the rest of the stress that I’m carrying is making me second guess everything.” Narcissa took a breath to speak but Hermione spoke again quickly before she could, “And I want to be able to say to you, ‘it’s okay, Cissa, we’ll get through it together’ but instead I say things like ‘I understand if you don’t want to this’ even though I don’t want to say that.”
“Hermione,” Narcissa kissed her again and smiled a small, supportive smile, “this is so manageable.”
“What?” Hermione exhaled hard. No one had ever said something like that to her.
Narcissa hugged Hermione as tightly as she could, “No, really, hear me out.”
“Go ahead, I'm all ears,” Hermione sat up and turned towards Narcissa. She pulled her feet up to sit cross legged and held Narcissa’s hand between her own.
“Okay, let’s start with the easiest things we can manage. We’ll set up a study for you at the Manor and have a wedding table in the study with the calendar and wedding lists. You can have all your Hogwarts materials in there, too, and a desk and anything else you think you’ll need to help you manage your lists. We’ll choose one of the rooms near the sitting room so you know you can Floo in and out without worry.”
“Really? I can have a room in the Manor?”
“Of cour-, I mean to say, you absolutely can. Next. This is going to take some work and focus on our parts but we can do it. If you notice yourself feeling anxious or uncertain, you have to try to talk to me about it. I want very badly to be able to help you manage your stress but if you hide it, I can’t. If I notice you seem uncertain, I’m going to do my best to be supportive and remind you of whatever it is you need to feel more secure about whether it’s how much I’m looking forward to being married to you or how impressed I am with your willingness to fight for what’s right or even if it’s just reminding you that you are always, every moment of every day, welcome in my home and my life.”
Hermione nodded, deeply grateful that Narcissa was taking such an active role in mitigating her anxiety. “This is what my parents were like,” Hermione said suddenly. “I remember my mum, right before Christmas one year, was worried because all four of my grandparents were coming together for the holiday. My dad just kept telling her how beautiful she had made his life and how happy our home was and how she made it feel like such a joyful Christmastime in our house. She must’ve needed the reassurance, too.” Hermione smiled a bit.
“And he gave it to her. Because that’s what people do in healthy relationships...or so I’ve read,” Narcissa smirked.
“And you, Narcissa, if you notice yourself feeling poorly you have to try to tell me so I know not to push your buttons and instead to just...care for you.”
“If I don’t say something and I start acting coldly, don’t you stand for it. You let me know if you can. Tell me I’m detaching, okay?”
“Earlier, you physically stepped away from me. It was the first hint that something was wrong. Next time it happens, maybe I’ll just reach out and take your hand in mine.”
They held one another’s eyes for a long moment, an understanding passed between them. They weren’t just planning a wedding, they were planning a life.
“Yes, Hermione, just take my hand in yours...and don’t let go.”