Chapter 21
“Your aura has changed...”
Haley looks up from her laptop across the table where Emily is sitting. She communicates her skepticism in a glance.
This does not deter she sister from continuing. “You were always hot pink, aquamarine... two distinct colours. Now it’s as if they’ve blended together in some sort of...” Emily trails off, looking at her curiously.
“What about it?” Haley replies, not exactly with kindness.
Getting up from the table and taking her dishes to the sink, Emily appears to change the topic, “you’ve been working a lot.”
“Mhm.” Haley’s typing again, barely looking up at her sister.
“Want to come for a walk down to the beach with me?”
“In this weather?”
“It’s a beautiful sunny day! Cold can’t stop me!”
“It can stop me.”
“I’m going to visit Sandy this weekend, maybe you’d like to join? Won’t be cold over there.”
“Maybe.” Haley mumbles.
“Saturday morning. We can stay over night.”
Haley says nothing. She’s staring intently at her screen hoping that her sister gets the hint and leaves her alone.
Emily places a mug of steaming tea on the table within Haley’s reach.
“Lemon balm and lavender... For stress.”
“I’m fine, Em.” Her tone is more exhausted than irritated.
“I think you should take the night off.” Emily’s hand is squeezing her shoulder gently but there’s an edge in her voice that Haley has almost never heard her use. Hearing it now causes her to look up. “Come visit me at the saloon. Gus is making chocolate mouse tonight, I know you love that.” Her voice is back to its usual chipper lilt, but Haley knows this is more than a request.
Not wanting to completely relent Haley says “I’ll see what I can do.”
They’d decided to let the whole “disappearing during the ice festival only to turn up covered in slime” thing rest. Sebastian is respecting her unwillingness to speak on it by not bringing it up, but he does give her quizzical glances more often than before. She can feel his gaze on her back every time she hears him walk up from the basement and pass by the lab.
She dutifully ignores it, consumed in her research, waiting for the microscope to reveal something to her she’s missed. And she was missing something. Something big.
But what was it?
Earlier that morning she had found herself deep in the woods again. This time it had been her own doing. She’d been prepared, she’d thought. Magnifying glass, test tubes, sterile latex gloves, a whole kit of scientific instruments in her backpack.
So she had arrived in the woods feeling the old confidence of her curiosity, but standing there, in those strangely quiet woods, it began to dawn at her that she didn’t really know what she was doing. She’d brought the tools she could carry, but for what? What exactly was she trying to measure, to prove?
When the slime ball appeared she realized the depth to which she was not prepared. Not for the reality of this weird little creature bobbing around.
What had she wanted? To catch it?
She’d brought a little jar. And tongs. Both in her backpack. Both seeming like incredibly silly, useless instruments in this moment.
The creature had lunged at her, and she’d dodged out of the way just in time. But then it lunged again, this time splattering her in the thick, stiffening slime. Her movement was instantly arrested. The panic had started to settle in about then; what would happen if this thing kept lunging at her? Would she become petrified in slime?
Despite the restraint she’d tried everything in her power to get her backpack off, to reach for something to help. When the thing lunged again she couldn’t do anything about it. She knew before it even made its move that she wouldn’t be able to.
But this time it darted past her, disappearing into the thicket of deep woods around her. The first feeling she’d had was disappointment.
She’d failed.
The only thing she’d been really prepared for was having to change her clothes. She stripped in the freezing cold woods, stuffing her slimy clothing into a sterile bag, and pulling a thick hoodie over her frozen skin.
Now she was back in the lab, examining those slimy clothes.
As she’d been walking back from the woods she’d convinced herself that maybe if she got back quick enough the strange substance would reveal more to her than it had the last time, when she’d left it out for an entire night.
No such luck, it was exactly the same.
At some point Demetrius comes in and asks her what she’s up to.
“Another pond sample.” She’d says, frowning.
“Did you just come in from the lake? You’re shivering.”
He was right, she was. She’d been in such a hurry to examine her findings she’d disregarded the chill that had seeped deep into her bones.
She tries to shrug it off but he’s observing her too closely to get away with it.
“Maru... your lips are blue. Whatever this is can wait until you warm up.”
“I’m fine.”
“Maru.” He pulls out the strict dad voice, one she hadn’t heard in a long time. Her instinct was to return to her teenage petulance, throw down her samples and storm out.
She holds off from it, disturbed by the easy resurgence of her younger self.
Peeling herself away from the microscope, “I’ll go to the spa.” Heading to the door and pulling on her boots and scarf before he can ask her any questions.
The truth was she knew she needed a break. The frustration of the fruitless effort was only making her want to throw stuff at the wall, it was not conducive to productive work.
She tramples up to the spa, the cold biting at her, she throws the door wide and startles Linus, who stands in the vestibule.
“Oh, sorry.” She mumbles, slightly embarrassed by her dramatic entrance.
He doesn’t say anything. Just gives her a curious look that penetrates a bit more deeply than she would like. She shuffles past him awkwardly.
Her and Linus had never had much to do with each other, despite being neighbors for all her life. She knew her mother was a little wary of him, and her father seemed to have some sort of working relationship with him but did not seem inclined to deter that wariness. She’d never thought about why. To her he was just a guy, part of the landscape. And she’d assumed that was a mutual feeling.
He’d never looked at her like that before, not even when everyone else had when she’d first returned months ago.
She shakes it off, stripping herself of her clothes once again, realizing she hadn’t brought a bathing suit.
It doesn’t matter, she decides. Knowing very well that no one would come in here, and being too aware of her chilled bones to walk away from the hot water.
When she jumps in she is instantly warmed up. She goes a couple of laps to really let the heat sink, but it gets to her head quickly and she has to stop before she gets woozy.
She floats on her back, staring at the spectacular vaulted ceiling, thinking.
She already knew she was going back to the woods. Maru knew herself well enough to know that when she jumped down the rabbit hole there was nothing to do but follow it to the end. The problem was that all of those other ridiculous ideas she’d had usually ended up working out in some way or another. The thrill of the unknown, however small the detail, propelling her forward.
But the waters never seemed this murky. This time she wasn’t so confident it would turn out for the best.
She stayed in the spa for a very long time.
Haley does go to the saloon that night. She sits at the bar and eats Gus’s chocolate mouse and nurses a cocktail.
She has to be very conscious about resisting the urge to work while also trying to resist the urge to think.
Enjoy the food.
It’ll be easier after another drink.
But she can’t go too fast or Emily will scold her. She doesn’t have the same privileges that Shane has. Or had, though she still can’t quite believe it. She can’t sit here in drunken anonymity.
So she sips her drink slowly and makes small talk with Em about what’s been happening around town when she sister isn’t serving someone else.
“Hi Leah!” Emily sings.
“Hey Em, how’s it going tonight?” Leah greets as she leans casually against the bar. Haley doesn’t look her way.
“The usual Friday crowd. How’s your latest sculpture coming along?” Emily’s already pouring Leah’s regular order.
“Hm, it’s okay. I’m trying something new. I’m afraid it’s going to take multiple attempts.”
“What are you doing that’s new? A challenge is always good for the soul.”
“Right, sure...” Leah laughs, “I guess I’m in that phase where I’m not so confident about it. I’m debating whether to use a live model or not. I usually avoid that.”
“Oh! Haley did some modelling when she moved to Zuzu!”
She knows her sister has good intentions but she absolutely hates her right now.
“I didn’t really. Just stupid small stuff, I doubt I could help.” She says too quickly, betraying she’d been keyed in to the conversation the entire time.
“That’s not true!” Emily chides her before heading to pour Clint his usual as he stands dazed at the bar – still in love with her, after all these years.
She hopes that’s the end of the conversation.
For a moment it seems like it is until Leah asks, “fashion modelling?”
Haley accidentally looks her in the eye after she says this.
There’s something about Leah’s posture that seems to say she’s half-in half-out of this conversation, poised to leave or stay. Depending on Haley.
Why would she even be half in?
Haley has to look away.
Biting her lip, she nods.
“Did you ever model for art classes?” Leah asks her, with more interest than its worth.
“Nude modelling?” Haley says it with some disdain, though she’s not sure why. It’s not like she actually cares, and it’s not like there was never a time she would have said yes if someone had asked her. But her heart is starting to beat a little hard, too hard to ignore now, so it’s too much to retract, explain herself. The past is starting to encroach on her.
Leah shrugs. “Not necessarily.”
“No... I just did it for” her voice is tighter than she wants it to be, and hearing it makes it worse, “someone I used to know. Photo stuff. For my ego.” Why did she say that? But she can barely contemplate it. Her past is swelling towards her in a giant wave and its about to crash.
“Your ego?”
“I’m sorry, I um – excuse me.” She gets up abruptly and begins walking towards the washroom on impulse. A modicum of social decency preventing her from heading straight to the exit, though that’s what she wanted. The signals are flaring; the tightening in her chest, prickling in her eyes, the lurch in her stomach.
She walks right into Abbi, who’s exiting the bathroom.
“Sorry... oh, Haley?”
At this point it’s too late to say “leave me alone” or observe any level of self preservation. All she can do is push past the body in front of her and find her way to the sink. She grips it hard. She’s now heaving for breath and her eyes are streaming. The tightness in her chest is almost unbearable. She’s caught between wanting to faint and throw up.
Don’t look in the mirror.
She looks in the mirror and the sight of her makeup streaming down her face, red eyes and gasping mouth, makes it all worse. She chokes on a sob caught in her throat.
There’s a hand on her back rubbing circles. Then the tap is on and cold water is being splashed in her face.
“shhh shhh, just breathe.”
“I don’t need help.” She chokes out, knowing how ridiculous it sounds but unable to stop herself.
Abbi just ignores her. With one hand she continues rubbing circles on Haley’s back and with the other she riffles through her bag, eventually retrieving something that looks like makeup wipes. And then she just waits, standing with Haley through the torrent.
When the tears stop streaming and her breath is relatively normal again Abbi turns Haley towards her and begins removing her smudged to hell makeup.
They stand like this in silence for awhile. Haley’s not sure how to feel. Why was Abbi doing this? She’d never done anything to deserve the kindness, if that’s what it was. Abbi was a few years younger, and when they were in school that meant she was below even noticing. Except for the occasionally snarky comment about her emo looks.
“So... how long have you been having panic attacks for?” Abbi asks, relatively cheerful.
“You don’t have to sound so pleased about it.” Haley grits out, her voice hoarse.
“I’m not.” She responds, with a more serious tone than Haley was expecting. “It’s just not a big deal. Or it’s a big deal, but it’s not so unusual, y’know?”
Haley sighs, “it’s been happening for... I don’t know. A year? Two?” There’s no point lying about it now. She’s already seen the worst. And for some reason still sticking around.
Abbi sits quietly with this new information for awhile. “Have you done anything for it?”
“I do yoga. I take baths.” Haley says weakly. She doesn’t voice the vicious inner part of her saying and you constantly buy things you don’t need. You spend hours trying to make yourself look like a different person. You never talk to the people that love you. You’re developing a drinking problem.
Abbi’s silent for another while, carefully removing Haley’s makeup. When she finishes she takes a step back and says “look, I think you should go to Harvey’s.”
“What? So he can drug me?”
“Yes? If that’s what it takes?”
Haley tries her best to put on her dead stare, “I can’t be a zombie.”
“You’d rather be breaking down in dirty bathroom every other night and do nothing about it?”
“It’s not every other night.”
“Two years is a long time to be living like this...”
“It’s not usually this bad. They didn’t used to be this bad.”
“Oh, so it’s getting worse and you don’t want to do anything about it... I see.” Abbi’s arms are crossed and Haley can see it’s no use arguing with her. And maybe she does have a point...
“Yeah... okay.” She concedes, sounding incredibly deflated.
“I can walk you there.” Abbi offers.
“Ha, no. Please don’t.”
Abbi shrugs, “if you ever want to talk about it.”
Haley looks at her peculiarly. She couldn’t possibly mean it, could she? All she can do is nod before they both head out the door and pretend like nothing had happened.
If Abbi hadn’t been there to witness her she would have secretively peered around the corner to make sure Leah was gone from the bar, but since that would raise more questions she didn’t feel like answering, she put on her brave face and walked out like she was fine.
To her great relief, Leah was sitting at her usual table in the corner engrossed in conversation with Elliott. Haley scooped up her stuff as quickly as possible, hoping to get out of there without having to say anything to Emily either.
Just has she’s about to walk out Leah looks up from her conversation and catches her eye. Momentarily Haley feels her heart stop, and she’s frozen on the spot. Leah’s look is quizzical.
Heart beating again, almost normally, Haley runs out before it can develop into anything else.
When Maru got back from the spa she went straight to the lab.
She knew she’d only be seeing more of the same, but in the early fading light of winter it would be too risky to head out to the woods again. Risky and likely just as fruitless, if not more so in the dark.
She set about another task, adjacent to her quest. Creating a solvent that could get the damn slime out of her clothes without damaging the fabric itself.
She had no idea how long she was in there before Sebastian came in. She could feel him staring into her back.
“Heading to the saloon.” It’s posed almost like a question.
“Okay.”
“...so you’re invited.”
“Okay.”
Seb sighs.
Maru realizes something and sits up straighter, “will Abbi be there?”
“Abbi? Yeah.”
“Okay.”
“Okay like you’re acknowledging I said something or okay like you’re joining?”
“Joining.”
“Right. Leaving in ten.”
As they walk down Sebastian seems to be debating whether he bring something up or not. Maru ignores this and does nothing to ease his tension.
“So you’ve been pretty busy in the lab lately.” He ventures.
“So you’ve been pretty busy on your computer lately.” She repeats back at him.
“Yoba, you’re impossible lately.”
“Sorry.”
“It’s just... you didn’t seem at all interested like two weeks ago, and now you’re back to your possessed by scientific pursuit self.”
“I’m back?”
“Well... not exactly.”
She doesn’t ask him to elaborate on that.
They walk in silence. She knows he’s thinking about the incident at the ice festival, but she doesn’t open the conversation.
The saloon is lively as it usually is on a Friday.
Maru briefly steals a glance to the corner and sees Leah and Elliott, no Ry. That’s enough of a relief to allow her to push anymore thoughts on the topic from her mind.
Her and Seb settle near the pool table. Apparently she’s taking Sam’s former position as Sebastian’s competition. It only takes a moment for him to realize she’s going to be much more challenging to beat.
“You’re pretty good at this.”
“Physics.” She mumbles, lining up to take her next stop. She can see in her periphery Abbi joining them.
“What’s going on?” There’s puzzlement in Sebastian’s voice.
Maru abandons her shot and turns to see what’s up. Abbi with a thoughtful expression and Haley, behind her, rushing away. Anxiously, without her approval, Maru’s eyes start searching for Ry. They don’t find her.
“Not sure.” Abbi says with a shrug and no elaboration. Sebastian keeps giving her his puzzled look until she shoves him and takes her seat on the beat up old couch in the corner.
Maru messes up her shot and her brother smirks.
She lets him win because she wants the game over. He seems aware of this, the frustration silently held in the crease of his forehead. When they finish he mumbles something about getting them another round and disappears.
Maru turns to Abbi, her real motive in coming here tonight.
“Have you ever been in the mines?”
“The mines? Sure.”
“What’s it like?”
“Dark. Full of rocks and... other stuff.” Abbi smirks.
“What other stuff?”
“I dunno. Weird cave creatures and fungi.” She’s smiling over her drink like she knows more but for whatever reason doesn’t want to explain further to Maru. Like Maru hasn’t been initiated into something, doesn’t have the right access key to find out.
“Like albino salamanders?” Maru says flatly, trying to communicate that she knows Abbi is holding back.
“Sure. And I think you might have encountered what else, recently.”
Sebastian comes back with drinks, and though he doesn’t directly enter the conversation Maru can tell he’s lurking, listening in.
She knows Abbi wants Maru to say it out loud. Slime, magic. And although its been the one thing at the forefront of her mind she doesn’t feel ready. It still seems so foolish, without the proof to back it up.
She wants to ask more, but the exhaustion of the day is hitting her, and with Sebastian as audience member it feels even more difficult. She doesn’t have enough energy to navigate the social nuances of asking for information right now. So she just goes back to the pool table and starts setting up for another match. Sebastian silently following – she knows she’s under his observation. Would he ever back off?
She also knows that Abbi’s lack of forthcoming is her own creation, manifested through years of being disdainful of her fantastical leanings. Why did she think asking for something would be the easier part of this investigation?
She’s going to go to Harvey’s.
She’s on her way there.
It’s really going to happen.
She doesn’t walk back to her house like she’d semi-thought she would when she’d promised Abbi she’d seek professional help. Haley’s committed, she does need help...
As she approaches the door of the clinic, where the light from inside is shining through, she’s only half disappointed that it’s still open this late. But she’s not backing down. Not even when she notices a figure moving through the darkness. Until she sees who it is. Ry, hands in pockets, walking down from the farm. No doubt on her way to the saloon. Most likely to see Leah...
“Haley?” Ry asks, moving towards her.
“Ry?” Haley says, mimicking her tone.
Coming more into the glow of the street light she can feel Ry scrutinizing her. The farmer pauses. “You alright?”
“Why wouldn’t I be?” Haley says lightly, aware her voice is still slightly hoarse but surprised it isn’t betraying her too much.
“No idea. You just seem a little out of sorts.”
“Just out for an evening walk. You?”
“On my way to the saloon. You wanna join?”
“I’d prefer...” Haley begins, testing her voice. It sounds back to normal. Her ability to use it as cause for the effect she wants returning to her. She bites her lip, staring at Ry with lowered eyes.
Ry takes a step towards her.
“You’d prefer...”
“I don’t feel like the saloon tonight. Any chance you don’t either?”
It’s so cold when they walk back that night even Sebastian was cursing. They rush back to their house, shoulders clenched, hugging themselves for warmth, lungs feeling pinched by the frigid air they breathe in.
“What’s up with you and Abbi?”
“What do you mean?”
“When I came back you two just seemed like you’d been having some sort of discussion.”
Whether it’s the cold or her own tiredness, she’s not sure – suddenly she’s had enough of tiptoeing around the issue, wants an end to Sebastian’s probing.
“I went into the woods.” She blurts into the freezing night.
“Okay...”
“Deep into the woods. And I over-” she stops herself before saying anything about the wizard and Ry. How could she explain it? She didn’t know what any of it meant. “There were these little slime balls? That were alive?” Great because that sounds so much more believable.
But her brother does believe her, “like in the mines?”
“I’ve never been in.” She says somewhat sulkily, assuming her brother might give her the same treatment Abbi did.
But he doesn’t, not quite. “Your dad wasn’t lying to you when he said there was a lot of dangerous stuff down there.”
She ponders this, silently. So her dad knew about it... or did he just think it was dangerous for more mundane reasons? What exactly was he trying to protect her from?
“How did you manage to kill it?” Sebastian asks, startling her out of her inquiry.
“What?”
“Those things won’t leave you alone once they latched on... if you didn’t kill it, how did you escape?”
“Uh... the wizard got me out?”
“The wizard..?”
“Yes...”
“That old weird guy who looks like he’s probably Abbi’s dad?”
“What?” Maru says, incredulous.
“Let’s just say you do not want to be in the room with Pierre when it comes up. Why are you asking about the wizard?”
“You know him and Ry are...” She immediately regrets saying it and trails off.
“What?” Sebastian asks, clearly not expecting the conversation to go in this direction.
“Friends? I don’t know. Coworkers, maybe?”
Seb snorts, “coworkers, huh? Guy been farming?”
“No...”
“Ry gets up to a lot of weird shit.” He says, but his mouth is in a line.
Maru doesn’t volunteer anything else, leaving Seb to his thoughts.
But it doesn’t take long before he comes back around to the thread of their conversation. “What’s that got to do with you? Especially you being covered in slime, assuming that’s where this is going?”
“I don’t know. I’ve just accidentally... nothing. I don’t know.”
“Maru... you know you don’t have to come up with an excuse for your interest in Ry.”
“That’s a big leap, Sebastian.” She hadn’t even mentioned following her on Spirit’s Eve...
“Well... is it?” He says, somewhat exasperated, the fog of his breath filling the night.
“I’m not interested in Ry.” Maru says flatly.
“That’s not what Abbi tells me.”
“What the hell does Abbi know?” Maru hisses.
“Possibly more than you. She’s very intuitive and you’re...”
“I’m what?”
“You’re not exactly the quickest with the emotional uptake, there was a time when you would have admitted that yourself.”
“I’ve changed.”
“I’ve realized.”
They reach their house and Maru yanks open the front door. It’s so cold it’s not even worth the extra ten steps to the door that goes directly to her room.
They silently shuck their winter clothing, both glad to be breathing the warm air again. She’s about to rush to her room when Sebastian picks up the conversation again.
“So... this wizard guy...?” He begins, apparently unable to find the right words for his questions.
“He compelled me through the woods.” She admits flatly.
“Excuse me?”
“I don’t know how else to say it. He put a spell on me? That’s how I ended up in the woods during the ice festival. I overheard a conversation between him and Ry. I don’t know why. Or what it means.”
“Maru... that’s some pretty serious shit.”
“You believe me?”
“You’ve never been much for lying. Have you talked to Ry about it?”
“No.”
“Maybe you should... If she knows him, she can maybe tell him off for doing creepy shit like that.”
“No! I can’t talk to her. I don’t want her to know.”
“Why? Maru, this isn’t your fault. It’s not like you were purposefully eavesdropping.”
Maru grimaces. “I don’t think she’ll believe that.”
“Uh, why?”
“Never mind. I just... I’m going to bed.”
She leaves her brother in the doorway, feeling half relieved to no longer be the sole carrier of the events of that strange day, and half like she might regret it. She felt like everything was just getting stranger and weirder as the colder months progressed. What had happened to the oppressive boredom of summer?