Chapter 6
Shane was getting better at opening up during the meetings. At first he’d been shut like a clam, thinking it was highly beneath him and stupid and embarrassing to share his feelings with a room full of other losers. But he kept showing up. He couldn’t do this alone. The past two years of hovering between on and off the wagon had been proof of that. Eventually respect for the others, and then the talking, came almost naturally.
Not this week. Not after seeing Alex. Not after seeing Alex take that girl's number.
Not because it meant anything, just because it was on his mind, taking up this big looming space and he just couldn't focus.
She'd looked so much like Haley. Or what he can remember of Haley. Blond. Pretty.
He'd never thought it before, but he now felt like he knew that Alex and Haley had been together, that hot blond chicks were his type. He'd thought before... he'd though before that Alex was like him. He felt too old to be making this kind of mistake. Not that he'd entertained any hopes of trying anything. Alex was too young, too... Alex. Too part of the community, too healthy, too normal. He did not let himself be reminded how on the day of the luau he'd almost skipped out but then remembering how Alex had asked him if he was, and maybe, maybe... did that mean he wanted to see him? And he'd gone, like an idiot, and they hadn't even spoken. He is not thinking about that, hasn't thought about that at all, he'd never try anything with Alex.
And how Alex had frozen up when he'd said he was going to an AA meeting. That was the real thing taking up space in his mind. He knew, like everyone knew, Alex's past prior to being with George and Evelyn. It made Shane want to shake himself. How close was he of a reminder of Alex's old man? Shane had been a grumpy asshole of a drunk, not a violent one, not a husband, not a father, but what if he had been? He could have been. He thinks about what Alex had to endure as a kid.
He thinks about how close a reality is was for him to have been just like Alex's father. He feels the narrow miss, and he feels like he was that person.
“What’s gotten in to you?” Ry asked, after he’d slammed his truck door shut. It was dusk, he’d just gotten back from the meeting out of town. Ry was just getting back from night fishing, her catches strung over her shoulder. She was always working. She never seemed to stop.
“Nothing.” He said with way too much bite for it to be believable.
“Fucking yoba, Shane.”
He sucked air through his teeth, “it’s nothing.”
She rolled her eyes, “I won’t beat it out of you, but you’re oozing malcontent, buddy. Your energy is wilting the plants.”
He ignored her and went to his cabin without saying anything. He was careful not to slam the door behind him so Ry wouldn’t have another reason to call him a petulant child.
Harvey was used to being alone.
Being alone was like a comfortable blanket for him. He'd had partners in the past, and that had felt good in a way, but he would always get dumped under the claim that his partner was lonely with him, that he was unreachable. He didn't get it. He didn't understand what they were trying to reach. He thought he was pretty much an open book, though he knew he was shy. He just wanted a simple life, that was all. That's why he moved to pelican town.
And it had been simple. It was the distillation of simple.
All he did was work. Before Maru had left for school there had been long periods of the year where he was struggling to make ends meet. He thought he would be fine to take over her role, to do everything on his own. He was fine. There just wasn’t much time for anything else.
Isn’t much time to take care of himself like he recommends to his patients, but that thought he always pushes to the back of his mind. There’s always another report to type up, another sample to test, another patient to prod.
He shoves his glasses up onto his forehead so he can wipe his eyes. They’re going bleary staring at the computer screen so long. It’s only then he realizes he’s been sitting in the dark for… how long?
He remembers then, Maru coming in… what had she said to him? Asked him to dinner? How long ago had that been?
He stands up and almost falls over because his leg has gone completely numb. When he’s finished hopping around to get the pins and needles out, he heads for the Stardrop.
He meets Maru and Robin just as their exiting the place. Maru frowns down at him, Robin asks, “making a house call, doctor?”
“What? No I…” It’s only then that he realizes he’s still wearing his lab coat.
He tries to laugh it off but it comes out more like a cough.
There’s a moment of awkwardness. He realizes he’s blocking their way down the step.
“Sorry, sorry.” He mumbles, stepping out of the way.
“Were you coming to see us?” Maru asks him.
“It seems I’ve rather lost track of time.” He mumbles, embarrassed. He’s starting to remember why he finds so much solace in working all the time, when he’s out of his office his permanent state of being seems to be embarrassed.
“I’ll stay for a drink with you.” Maru offers, rather generously he thinks.
Robin seems slightly surprised, though perhaps pleased. Harvey can’t tell why.
“Oh yes, stay out as long as you like.” Maru scowls and Robin laughs, “not that I have to give you permission.”
Robin bids them goodnight and Maru turns back into the Stardrop. Harvey can’t remember the last time he’s been in here.
Alex was thirteen when Shane graduated high school, too young to be noticed. Moving in with his grandparents was a strange time filled with hope and sadness. He’d always loved visiting their house – his grandma’s cookies, the easy walk to the beach, the friendly neighbours, the quiet and the easy stability, routine – but he felt alone, unadjusted to his new life.
That first spring, out of school due to tragedy and grief, was painful, lonely and awkward. The summer got easier when Haley was around. She was mean to everyone but for some reason she was nice to him, seemed to get him without him having to say anything. They were eating ice cream by the river when he first saw him.
He was visiting Marnie with his family before moving off to college. He was wearing a letterman jacket - a clear athlete - easy smile, easy laugh, magnetic. Alex’s ice cream fell off the cone into the water without him even noticing. Haley shrieked with laughter so loudly Shane looked over. Alex burned scarlet and wanted to plunge into the current.
That was twelve years ago.
Ever since he’d get this thrill in the pit of his stomach whenever he’d see him. He wasn’t in town often and Alex found he was always hoping he would be, that he’d accidentally run into him. It would only ever happen when he’d finally forgotten him, causing him to turn red and run for it.
When Alex was fifteen and doing well on the gridball team, he thought he might have the confidence to ask him to toss the ball around with him if he ever showed up. He didn’t get the chance, Shane didn’t show up again for five years.
Alex didn’t forget about him but he stopped thinking about him, stopped wishing he’d show up. He stopped picturing him leading his college gridball team to glory. He felt an inexplicable surge of panic and excitement when he heard Jodi telling Caroline that Shane was moving in with Marnie.
He didn’t hear the whole conversation, had no idea when he was due to arrive. He found himself working out more frequently in the days that followed. He’d go jogging in the forest every morning, sometimes in the evening as well. He’d lift weights outside his house until he was covered in a sheen of sweat. He spent every afternoon shirtless on the beach, evening out his tan. He would shower religiously after any of these activities, spending forever and a lot of water on lathering his hair to silky smooth perfection.
Haley noticed.
“What’s gotten in to you?”
“What do you mean?”
“You’re all… perfect.”
“I’m always perfect.”
She scoffed, “no, you usually smell like a gym bag. Now you smell like… is that peppermint?”
“Is it bad?”
She gave him a funny look, “are you in love or something?”
“No one’s good enough for me.”
“You’re blushing.”
“I don’t blush.”
“If I find out you’re in love with someone and didn’t tell me I’ll be mega pissed, you know.”
He changed the subject, and made a note to dial back on the peppermint during his next shower.
When Shane finally did show up, after what felt like an eternity but was only a week and a half, he returned to his usual shower routine, feeling stupid.
He’d gotten up extra early to jog, the sun barely visible over the horizon. He was just returning from the forest, about to pass Marnie’s, when he saw him. His heart leapt into his throat when he realized who it must be, he was too close to hide when he noticed the state of him.
The stench of alcohol was palpable. His sweater was almost disintegrating off of him, covered in stains. His hair was greasy, his eyes blood shot, with purple bags underneath so severe it almost looked like he’d been punched in the face. He was stumbling in the unfamiliar territory. He half jumped when he noticed Alex, though he’d been approaching in plain sight for some time.
“Don’t sneak up on a guy like that.” Shane muttered, heavily, as if using his voice was a weighted curse.
“Sorry,” Alex panted.
Instead of going home Alex ran to the beach. He stood on the dock and wondered about screaming, about flinging himself in. Instead he just sat down, hugging his knees, letting the cold wind hit him
Maru’s never gotten drinks with Harvey before. She’d been too young when she’d left for school, plus she wouldn’t have wanted to. She didn’t really understand the whole drinking thing until she’d been in the city a few years.
Now they’re sitting across from each other and each are nursing a glass of Gus’ red, on the house. She gets the impression that Gus and Emily are relieved to see Harvey out, though Harvey’s so bleary eyed and sunken into his own head he doesn’t notice anything.
They don’t speak for what feels like hours.
“Are you okay, Harvey?” She eventually ventures, feeling like he’s not even in the room.
“Huh?” He reacts like she’s startled him. “Oh. No. I mean, yes.”
“Great.” She scoffs.
“No, I’m fine.” Compulsively he takes off his glasses and starts cleaning them. It’s a habit of his, and Maru’s convinced he does it so he doesn’t have to see the person confronting him. He sighs. “Long days at work. Lately. Even though it’s summer… Even though the valley is shrinking.” He puts his glasses back on and frowns at her.
“It’s a lot.” She states.
“Yes.” He muses, but something in him seems to wake up a little. “But what about you?”
She shrugs, “same old.”
He stares at her and it’s uncomfortable because it seems like he’s actually looking, trying to find something.
“You’re not.” He says plainly.
“What?” She nearly splutters after swallowing wine.
“The same old. You’re different.” He states in a matter of fact sort of way.
“Okay, and?” She says, more irritated sounding than she intends.
“And nothing.” He says, again plainly. She remembers she’s talking to Harvey, that Harvey doesn’t weigh his questions and statements like her parents do, that he’s an observer like she is.
“Sorry, I didn’t mean to get defensive I’m just… I don’t know. It’s hard being back.” She apologizes, wishing she could speak to people like she used to, without care, without feeling the heaviness of it.
“Why did you come back?” He asks her over a sip of his wine.
She hates this question, but it’s Harvey.
“I didn’t know what else to do. I couldn’t stay in the city.” She says honestly but still with a dismissive tone, downplaying.
“What happened?”
“Nothing.”
“Surely, not nothing.” He says, bordering on amused. She knows he’s right, that she should be beyond those high school responses. It was four years, after all.
“Not nothing, but not something either.”
He just nods, like he understands, but Maru doesn’t know how he could because she doesn’t understand.
They fall into another silence, but this time it feels less like Harvey is lost and more like he’s thinking. After a time he says, “do you want your old job back?”
“Do you need me to do it?”
“No. I can find someone else. Just…” He looks around the bar, “I can’t remember the last time I was here.”
“I’ll think about it.”
He nods and takes another sip of wine.
They end up getting kind of drunk, and they end up laughing, and they end up having a pretty good time. They even include Emily in a shockingly non-awkward conversation when she comes around to refill their drinks.
Right, Maru thinks when she’s walking home in the warm night, having friends is fun, isn’t it?