Chapter 6
The dropship door was left open almost constantly during the day in order to allow light inside. At night it was closed to try to conserve heat as the temperature continued to reach new lows with each passing day. Clarke walked purposefully up the ramp like any woman with a mission would, but her steps slowed considerably once she was inside. Even with the door open, it took a moment for her eyes to adjust to the darkness. The first level had become their version of a medbay. Anyone who was hurt or who didn’t have a tent slept there. The area was split into small sections that kids had claimed as their own. Thanks to the solar-charging batteries that came down with them as part of their very limited supplies, the group could afford to have some of their lanterns strung up across the level to provide a limited light source. Clarke squinted as her vision adjusted and slowly made her way to the back of the level where Raven had made her stake since her injury.
The mechanic was laid out on a sleeping bag with her bad leg propped up on her backpack. She was fiddling with some wires and scrap parts that Clarke had no name for. As the blonde got closer, Raven’s movements stilled and she looked up to meet her friend’s gaze. Her expressionless face didn’t waver as Clarke closed the last few feet of distance between them. The two stared at each other for a long moment, not saying anything.
Seeing no signs of emotion in the brown eyes that would normally sparkle with mischief the moment they met her own, Clarke was tempted to turn around a run. Run away from the pain and awkwardness of the conversation that was about to happen. Run away from the fear that gripped her heart at the thought that it was too late. Run away from her best friend and the only person she had left to call family. But she knew she couldn’t because Raven was her best friend and her family, and she owed it to the girl to be honest about why she was so upset even if it wasn’t easy for her to put into words.
Letting out the breath that she hadn’t realized she was holding, Clarke lowered herself to the ground until she was sitting next to Raven’s bed with her back against the dropship wall. Her body was angled to be facing the same way the brunette was laying so that she wasn’t directly facing her. It would make saying what she needed to say a little bit easier, but it also meant that she missed the raised eyebrow from her friend at her chosen movement. By the time she’d settled, Raven’s face had returned to its guarded emptiness.
Clarke knew that there was no good way to ease into what needed to be said, and she was quite certain that if she attempted to just sit in silence and wait for the mechanic to speak first it wouldn’t end well. So with one more mental ‘Don’t be a coward’, she bit the bullet.
“I know the way I’ve been acting probably has seemed really unfair and unwarranted. I’m not here to try to make an excuse for the behavior. I guess I just felt that I owed it to you to at least explain.”
Raven didn’t say a word, and Clarke didn’t want her to. She knew that she needed to get everything out as uninterrupted as possible so she wouldn’t chicken out. But she was relieved to see in her peripheral that the older girl’s face had relaxed its carefully constructed mask at her opening words.
“I know that being upset that you ran back out to help me makes me a hypocrite because I would have done the exact same thing if the situation was reversed. Nothing would have stopped me from running back out if it was you that wasn’t gonna make it to safety on your own. Because you’re my best friend and the only person I’ve got left.”
“Clarke-”
“No, please. Please just let me get this out.”
Clarke looked up to meet Raven’s gaze as she cut the girl off, her eyes pleading more than her words for the brunette to not say anything. Not yet. Raven sighed but nodded, signaling for her friend to continue.
“I know that I can’t claim any sort of monopoly on the pain of losing someone you care about. I’m not the only person to ever have shitty things happen to them. But… My own mom was the reason that my dad was floated. And I hated my best friend for it and he let me. And then that same best friend forgave me when I found out the truth and in the same week killed himself because he thought that I was dead. I got lost and he killed himself. I killed him. And my mom killed my dad. She’s the reason he’s dead. I’m the reason Wells is dead. And I just… I would rather die than be the reason you get killed.”
Clarke’s body shook with sobs and Raven, broken ankle and all rolled over and launched herself at the blonde, wrapping her arms tight around her.
“I can’t be the reason you die. I can’t. You’re hurt because of me and it kills me. And it could have been so much worse. So much worse. You could have died.”
Between the tears and jagged breaths, Clarke’s words were all but unintelligible. But Raven could get the gist of them, and she slowly rocked the blonde in her arms back and forth until the sobs and broken words turned into sniffles and hiccups. The angle was awkward and caused a twinge in her hurt ankle, but she couldn’t bring herself to let her friend go. Her own tears fell silently into blonde hair. She should have guessed that it went beyond just her running from the safety of the dropship into potential danger to help Clarke. Raven may not have known the younger girl for long, but she could be blind and still not fail to see how big Clarke’s heart was. How strong of a leader the girl naturally was. And how much of the weight of responsibility she placed on herself for everything. For being the smartest person on earth, Raven felt like an idiot for not putting the pieces together to see how much blame and guilt Clarke carried that wasn’t hers to bear. Of course, she had somehow found a way to make the death of her childhood best friend her own fault. Her own mother was at fault for her father’s death, and though she was 18 now, Clarke was still young enough for that sort of trauma to make an impression. To shape the way she saw and processed other tragedies.
Raven knew that their relationship was the strongest of any Clarke had formed since coming to the ground. Yes, she shared the burden of leadership with Bellamy. And yes, she had become closer with Monty and his friends, Jasper and Harper. But ever since Raven’s first night on the ground, the pair had been almost inseparable. Clarke had declared them to be each other’s family and that’s what they were. So of course, seeing the only family that she had left risk life and limb for Clarke had been triggering. Yeah, Raven felt like an idiot for not connecting the dots sooner.
“Clarke?”
The blonde sat up slightly, allowing Raven to shift back into a more comfortable position while still remaining close enough that the sides of both of their bodies were still pressed tightly together.
“It’s not your fault. You didn’t kill Wells. His death was his own choice. You’re not your mother. She made a conscious choice that led to your father being floated. You got lost on a planet no one even knew was habitable and Wells made his own decision. The two are nowhere near the same. Not even close.”
Raven gently wiped the fresh tears that spilled down Clarke’s cheeks at her words. She waited until watery blue eyes met hers before continuing.
“You are my best friend. My family. And that means that I will risk myself to protect you. Just like you would do the same for me. But that doesn’t make either of us like your mother either. Yeah, I got a little hurt because I came back for you. And yeah, it could have been a whole lot worse. But what happened, or what could have happened, is not your fault. You are not to blame. You didn’t purposely make it happen. If you’re looking for someone or something to blame, try the motherfuckers in masks who attacked us. Try the stupid council and our idiot chancellor who sent you down here in the first place. You can blame any of them, but you can’t blame yourself. Got it?”
Clarke took a shaky breath and nodded.
“Nope, I wanna hear you say it. You can’t blame yourself, got it?”
“Got it.”
Raven grinned at the blonde for the first time in a week, and Clarke broke out into a smile of her own. She leaned forward and wrapped her friend in a hug. They sat like that, just holding each other, for a few long moments. Neither wanted to let go, but they finally did break apart.
“I really am sorry. I meant what I said. My explanation isn’t an excuse for how I treated you.”
“I know, and I forgive you.”
“You do?”
“Well of course. I mean I kinda have to. Aside from being my best friend, you’re also my main source of entertainment on this godforsaken planet. It’s been incredibly dull without you.”
Raven laughed and swatted Clarke’s hand away as the blonde attempted to punch her.
“Asshole.”
“Awe, I love you too, Princess.”
Clarke rolled her eyes and shoved Raven away, smirking as she stood up. Raven mock glared at her from where she had dramatically fallen onto her sleeping bag. The sparkle was back in her brown eyes, and Clarke’s smirk stretched into a smile at the sight.
“How about you stop milking your injury just to get a spot in this tin can and come back to our tent?”
“Miss sleeping with me every night, Clarkey?” Raven waggled her eyebrows at the blonde.
“Yeah right, Reyes. You wish. I just am using you for the extra body heat. The nights are getting colder ya know.”
“Oh, believe me, I know. I can always warm you up a little extra if you need. Survival 1-0-1. Naked cuddling.”
“In your dreams!”
“It is. Every night.” Raven winked. “Now help me up and grab my shit. If you’re gonna make me trek across camp on a bad leg the least you can do is be a gentlewoman and carry my crap while I hobble along.”
Clarke rolled her eyes. She leaned down to grab Raven’s outstretched hand and pulled the girl to her feet. She then gathered the sleeping bag in her arms, slung the mechanic’s backpack over her shoulder, and chucked whatever contraption the girl had been tinkering with towards her. Raven caught it after a few juggles and gave Clarke an affronted glare as though she could not believe the girl had dared to so carelessly throw what was clearly a worldly treasure. Clarke just rolled her eyes again as she straightened up and started making her way towards the dropship door. She looked back over her shoulder and didn’t even try to fight her smile at the sight of Raven following just a few steps behind.
“You better not be faking that limp just so that you can use it as an excuse to walk behind me and stare at my ass, Reyes.”
“I don’t fake anything, Griffin.”
Clarke turned away from the shit-eatting grin on her friend's face and pretended that it was just the chill of the outside air she’d just stepped into that brought a pink flush to her cheeks.