Forever On Your Side

Eddie sat in the back of the truck watching the city go by, he was so tired, tired of holding onto the anger, the pain, the loss. What he regretted most was the way he had treated Buck. He didn’t see it, what Bucks lawyer said, how Bobby treated him differently, he didn’t see until that last apartment fire they worked. Buck noticed how he was having a hard time with the hose and asked if he was ok and offered to help. That man no matter how bad he was treated still cared and he responded by yelling at him. He started that fight but Bobby had only yelled at Buck and then sent him home and suspended him for a shift all the while not saying one single word to him. It was then that it hit him like a bag a bricks, everything that lawyer had said was the truth, Buck was treated differently.

After that revelation all he wanted to do was fight and fight he did and he almost killed a man. Bobby had found out but he never yelled, he never suspended, nothing he just told him he needed to talk to someone. That afternoon Bobby set him up with Frank and they talked and during that hour session he realized so much. It made him wish he would had talked to someone after he came back from war, but once again he ignored it all. He didn’t want to lose control, but now he was so tired of being in control, so tired of being strong. 

Ever since he was a kid his father had always told him to suck it up and move on and so he did or at least he tried but sucking it up only let the anger fester until it exploded. Shannon coming back into their lives and getting Christopher excited about having his mom back only for her to bail out in the end only added to the anger. After that one thing after another kept happening. Shannon dying, the bombing, Buck being trapped under that fire truck sent him back to a sunny, dry and hot dessert. Buck survived and came back stronger but then he had to watch his best friend almost die all over again. After that, it was the tsunami, then the lawsuit and not being able to help his kid, it all just piled up. He was tired of watching the people he loved getting hurt and not being able to help and he hated himself for that because none of it happened to him, he had no right to be this hurt but he couldn’t help it. He had just tried to suck it up like he was raised to but you can only hold so much in before you snap and snap he did. He took it out on the one person who didn’t deserve it, the man who had the biggest heart of them all, the man he loved. And that is what he hated the most about it all, he loved someone he could never have.

Frank had told him he needed to tell Buck all of this and he wanted to, he was going to apologize this morning and he knew it wasn’t going to be enough but it was a start. He wanted to talk to the man, tell him everything, how sorry he was, that he understood and that none of it was his fault, but like everything else in his life nothing goes to plan. He got to work early only to have Bobby make him stand on the floor and when he told Buck of his transfer he wanted to scream. He had finally come to terms with everything, only for his world to come crashing down again. He watched Buck walk away with his shoulders hunched, he called out to him but Buck ignored him and he couldn’t blame him. After that it was like the world was conspiring against him, every time he went to talk to him they received a call. And of course they just had to get a call with only an hour left in shift and now they were on their way back, he just hoped Buck was still there when they got back.

When they pulled into the garage Eddie could see Bucks jeep still parked in the parking lot. He could feel his heart speed up from the nervousness, he just hopes it’s not too late. When they got out of the truck Bobby called out for Buck but he didn’t answer but a couple of seconds later Buck walked out of the locker room in his civilian clothes, he could see just how tired Buck was but he could also see some of that fight he always had in him. Eddie could also see just how angry Bobby was, “Buckley, what are you doing?”

“Going home Captain, my shift over, looks like you’ll have to find some one else to bully. Because I’m done.” Buck tried to walk past him but Bobby grabbed onto his arm and started yelling at him, telling him that he leaves when he says he can leave and how he should’ve never let him back the first time. Eddie was shocked, he had never ever see Bobby put his hands on someone before, he couldn’t move until he looked at Buck and saw the pure unadulterated fear in his eyes and posture, he had never see the man look so small. When he looked at Hen and Chim they were looking down but Eddie wasn’t going to stand and watch Bobby abuse Buck anymore. While he had never said anything to Buck, opting to just ignore him, he let it happen and it made him just as guilty, well not anymore. The next thing he knew he was shoving Bobby away from Buck so hard he fell onto the ground but he didn’t care, all he cared about was Buck. He was about to gather him up into his arms to take him home only to turn around and see him in another mans arms while Maddie was staring at Bobby so hard that if looks could kill he’d be dead. 

After a few choice words from Maddie they were gone. All Eddie could see was that terrified look in Bucks eyes, it’s something he’ll never be able to get out of his head. When he turned to look at Bobby he could see the regret in his eyes but he didn’t care, he just lost it, punching Bobby right in the face and not feeling the least bit guilty when he heard an awful crack. “How could you? He trusted you, he trusted all of us, we were his family and we turned our backs on him. Maddie is right, we just lost the best thing to ever happen to us.” 

Eddies ignored everything, Hen calling out for him as he walked into the locker room. He looked at the familiar locker next to his and it was empty, including the name tag and he lost it. He ignored the searing pain in his hand as he continuously punched his locker door until he ran out of energy and fell to the floor sobbing into his hands. He didn’t know how long he sat there until he felt someone looking at his hand, it was Hen. “This is broken, you need to go to the hospital, let’s go.”

“Hen...”

“I’m not asking let’s go, I’ll drive you.” He quickly changed and followed her out of the locker room ignoring everyone as he walked past them. 

A couple hours later he was walking out of the hospital with a cast on his arm. He got back into Hens car as they took off, “I need you to take me to Bucks.”

“Eddie...I don’t think that’s a good idea.”

“Please Hen, I have to see him, he has to know that none of this is his fault. Hen I’ve never seen him so scared before. Please...”

She reached over and squeezed his knee, “okay, Eddie, okay.” The rest of the ride was silent but Eddie didn’t feel the weight of everything less, in fact it became heavier. He’s not sure if it’ll ever go away but hopefully he can lessen it. “Eddie...” He was so lost in his head that he didn’t notice that they made it to Bucks, “do you want me to wait?”

“No, it’s okay. Go home Hen, be with your family. I’ll see you later.” Eddie made the familiar walk up to his friends, if he can even still call him that, apartment. It took every ounce of courage he had to knock on the door. A couple of seconds later the door opened and he was meant with the man from earlier and Eddie could see a mix of feelings in his eyes. 

“What are you doing here?”

The look in his eye made him want to run away but he fought it. “I know I don’t have a right to be here and I’ve made a mess of things but I need him to know that none of this is his fault. It should’ve never taken me this long to realize but it did. And if you tell me right now to walk away then I will, I’ll leave him alone.”

The man released a breath, “I’ll go ask if he wants to see you and the only reason why I’m considering it is because I saw what you did earlier, I don’t think he knows it was you who pushed that man away but if he says no you have to respect that okay?” Eddie nodded his head and he watched the man disappear inside the apartment. About a minute later he came back, “he said yes. Can I ask you something before you go inside, what happened to your hand?”

“I punched our captain and then my locker a few times. I just, he was just so scared and small, I had never seen him like that before. Nobody, but especially Buck should have to feel that way.”

The guy nodded his head, “I’m gonna take a walk around the block, give you two some space. I’ll be back soon, he’s in the loft.” Eddie walked inside and slowly made his way upstairs. When he got to the top of stairs, Buck was leaning up in his bed and he looked exhausted. He tried to get closer but he stopped him.

“No, don’t come any closer. Talk.” Eddie released a breath and held onto his bandage hand as it was starting to throb. He didn’t know where to start, guess starting with I’m sorry is the best way, that sounded suspiciously like Frank.

“Buck, I’m so sorry. I know it’s too late but I need you to know that none of this is your fault, none of it. I messed up, I messed up bad. And I know it’s no excuse and I don’t ever expect you to forgive me but I was just so angry and sad and hurt. I watched as everyone I loved kept getting hurt and there’s was nothing I could do about it. I bottled everything up until it busted and I took it out on the one person who didn’t deserve it. Yeah I was mad about the lawsuit but it was never about you, it was about me. I had come to rely on you so much and when I needed you you weren’t there. But I started talking to a psychologist and he made me realize that I put too much pressure on you, I had come to see you as a second parent and why I love that thought, you’re not, you didn’t owe me or Chris anything. And I just need to tell you I get it, Bobby does treat you differently, I realize that now, he made a decision that wasn’t his to make. You had every right to file that lawsuit. And even if you never want to see me again you need to know that.” He was out of breath he had talked so much. Buck just stared at him and didn’t say a word, he took that for what it was and started walking away knowing he had blown it and he had no one to blame but himself.

“What happened to your hand?” A quiet voice asked.

He turned around, “I punched Bobby and then my locker door.”

“Eddie why would you do that, you could lose your job.”

“I don’t care Buck, he deserves it after what he did. I have never seen you that scared before. He should’ve never grabbed you like that. I pushed him off of you and after Maddie took you away I just snapped and I punched him. I guess it was also me doing to someone what I couldn’t do to myself.”

Buck took a deep breath before speaking again. “You hurt me Eddie. The silence, not being able to see Christopher. If you would’ve came to me with this just a couple days ago I would’ve forgave you but now I just can’t, at least not right away. I deserved better then what all of you gave me, Kelly helped me realize that. I love you Eddie but I need some time. You need to know that I’m leaving, I’m going back with my brother. I need some time away and when I’m ready I’ll call you but for now I need you to respect my wishes.”

A tear fell from his cheek, “of course Buck, I’ll miss you but I get it. I just need one thing and I know I have no right to ask but please before you go please say goodbye to Chris. If you can’t I understand.”

“Of course Eddie.”

Eddie smiled a little, “thank you. For what it’s worth I love you too. I’ll see ya Buck.” Eddie turned to walk away but a quiet wait stopped him.

“Could you just lay with me, just until I fall asleep?”

“Of course.”

Eddie climbed in next to him, what he didn’t expect was for Buck to curl up into his side. Eddie rubbed his head and hummed until he heard Bucks breath even out. He stayed like that for another hour not wanting to leave but he knew he needed to soon. When he heard the front door open Eddie cast one last look down for what could be the last time he saw his best friend, he looked to be at peace. He leaned down and placed a kiss on his forehead and slowly got out of the bed, he saw a pad of paper and wrote one final note and walked down the stairs where he saw Kelly looking at him.

“I’m not going to say take care of him because I know you will, better then I ever did, so I’m just going to say thank you.” Eddie didn’t have anything else to say so he started walking towards the door.

“Eddie, I know my brother, he will call you eventually, it might take a while but he will. He loves you and he loves that kid of yours, just give him some time.” Eddie nodded his head and walked out the door. He was able to make it through l the Uber ride, all the way back to his truck before he broke down in ugly sobs. He wanted to fight so bad but he made a promise to himself that he’d never do it again. So he stayed there in the parking lot of the station where he met his home until the tears dried, tomorrow he’ll see Frank but for now he was going to go home to his son and love him and be everything he needed and everything Chris saw him to be.