Reggie and Nick had been dating in secret for eight full months. It had started halfway through junior year, someone had a New Years party and eventually they drank so much that they made out in closet. They were dating in secret because Reggie was out to his friends and the school, bisexual and proud. But Nick wasn’t out to anyone. And Reggie wasn’t going to out him. He was in love with him. And he knew Nick loved him, even if it was whispered like secrets in the dark or for the wind to carry away as they cuddled in secluded parks. Reggie’s friends knew he was seeing someone, but they didn’t press for details when Reggie made it clear he wasn’t ready to share. Julie would check in every couple of weeks to see if he was still seeing his mystery partner, and he would always have a dreamy smile on his face when he told her yes. It was enough for her that he was happy. And then one day, just after the eight month mark, they were having a presentation in their music performance class, and Nick was last. Reggie was enthralled as soon as his boyfriend started strumming his guitar.
“A smile that could light the sun
Eyes that shine brighter than anyone
Love that fills me up too
Never been as happy as I am with you”
Reggie’s heart swelled. Nick wrote a love song? No wonder he hadn’t let Reggie hear him practice this month, like he usually did, in the safety of his room.
“No one matches her beauty
She has the brains to match anyone
And when she looks at me
My knees go weak
She’s all I could ever need”
Suddenly, Reggie’s heart shattered. Which was stupid, he shouldn’t feel hurt, or at least that’s what he told himself. He knew Nick wasn’t out. He shouldn’t -couldn’t expect him to write a love song about a boy. But as soon as the bell rang, Reggie ran out the door. He didn’t miss Nick seeing the tears pooling in his eyes, and when his phone vibrated a few minutes later he knew it was Nick. Probably asking why he freaked out, or checking to see if he was okay. But Reggie couldn’t bring himself to open his phone. Their music class was their last class of the day, so Reggie went looking for his sister. Julie would be able to help him without pushing for too much information. She caught sight of him as soon as he was outside, zeroing in on his puffy eyes and shaking hands, excusing herself from her girlfriends, Flynn and Carrie. Julie ran to Reggie, pulling him away from the sea of students.
“Reg, what happened?”
“It’s hard to explain.”
“Does this have to do with your secret boyfriend?” Reggie nodded. He was able to give them so little information about Nick by admitting his partner wasn’t out yet. “You don’t have to mention a name, or anything too revealing, but can you try to give me something?”
“He talks about me using female pronouns.” Reggie admitted. Sure, Nick wasn’t talking, he was singing. But Reggie knew that Willie thought Nick was dating a girl because that was how he talked about it. “And I know he isn’t out yet, so it shouldn’t bother me, but it still hurts.”
“It’s allowed to hurt, Reg. I know you love him, but you are allowed to feel however you need to when you feel that way. You have nothing to be sorry for.” Julie wrapped her arm around Reggie’s middle. She wasn’t quite tall enough to reach his shoulders without being on her toes. “And no matter what, I’m here for you.”
Now Reggie wrapped his arm around her shoulders, “Thanks, Jules.”
Reggie didn’t answer Nick’s texts that night. He was afraid he’d say something he’d regret. But the next morning, he did anyway. Nick caught him in the hallway, pulling the dark haired boy into an empty classroom. “What’s going on, Reg? You always give me feedback after we present, and you’re avoiding talking to me.”
“I’m just sick of feeling like a secret because all your friends think I’m a girl.” Reggie snapped. As soon as he said it, he wished he could take it back as he watched Nick’s face cycle between shocked and devastated. “I don’t mean- fuck, I don’t mean I need you to come out. I would never force you to do that. I just-“ Reggie’s throat closed up and he blinked back tears he hadn’t realized were forming, “I just need some time to be okay again. If you still want to see me, in private, I’ll let you know when I’m okay again.”
“Okay.” Nick answered quietly, like his voice was going to break him.
Reggie wanted to reach out to him, to run his fingers through his pretty blonde hair and kiss the sadness off his face, but he held himself back. He knew if he did, he would just end up back in Nick’s arms, and he really did need space so he could gain perspective. They stood in awkward silence for a few minutes before the bell rang and Nick ran out. Reggie didn’t miss his mirrored tears on Nick’s face.
Nick wondered what he was so afraid of. Their school was plenty accepting, and so was most of the world. Hell, his dads were very gay. But he held himself back from being out to the world. He kept telling himself it was because when he was with Reggie, their love kept them in a bubble. That he didn’t need the world, he just needed Reggie. And it was true enough. But Nick also knew that it was actually because he was supposed That Guy. The team captain, the jock that dated the head cheerleader, the bro. But he wasn’t. He was bisexual. He knew Willie was out and happily in love with his boyfriends, and Luke was happily in love with his, too. Willie, Alex, and Luke had been dating for half the time they’d been teammates with Nick. And Nick’s best friend was Carrie, who was dating Reggie’s sister Julie and Flynn. So, Nick realistically knew everything would be fine if he told the world he was in love with Reggie. But instead he kept pretending he wasn’t. Kept pretending he was dating a girl that lived a city over. Kept pretending a girl was sending him the texts he showed his friends, and gave him the gifts that Reggie did for holidays. Kept pretending right up until he broke both their hearts. He knew what he was asking Reggie for wasn’t fair. It wasn’t fair to ignore the hurt he saw in Reggie’s eyes when his boyfriend wanted to reach for his hand in passing in the hallways but stopped himself. It wasn’t fair to make Reggie pretend just because he was a coward. He hadn’t heard from him in two weeks, and his heart broke a little more every day. Nick knew that if he wanted to keep Reggie, he needed to stop being afraid.
Three weeks after Reggie and Nick stopped talking, their school was having a pep rally, and Julie and Flynn cheered for their girlfriend from beside Reggie as Carrie’s group performed. Carrie had told them they weren’t performing a second song this time, but refused to tell them why. When she was done, she ran up to their front seat, planting herself on the other side of Reggie instead of by her girlfriends. They all raised an eyebrow as she hooked her arm around his shoulders, like she needed to keep him planted in his seat. Reggie didn’t understand why until Nick came out, Willie set up a stool for him and he took a seat with his acoustic. The whole school was exchanging whispers about what was happening, but Reggie just stared with wide eyes. Carrie held out her headset with her other hand, and Willie took it before passing it to Nick.
“Uh, hi everyone. I didn’t know how to do this. I hurt someone really important to me, by making them feel like they weren’t to the rest of the world. So I need to fix that. Because I don’t think I can live without him if I don’t want to live with a broken heart.” Reggie’s brain screeched to a halt. Him. Nick said him.
“He doesn’t have to do this.” Reggie whispered.
Carrie smiled beside him, leaning into him more and muttering, “He knows that. But he said he was tired of hiding you, because he wanted everyone to know, and I’m quoting, ‘who he was lucky enough to convince to love him’.” Reggie’s eyes snapped back to the blonde that still had his heart as he heard strumming.
“A smile that could light the sun
Eyes that shine brighter than anyone
Love that fills me up too
Never been as happy as I am with you”
Reggie recognized the song, but he wasn’t prepared for the changes.
“No one matches his beauty
He has the brains to match anyone
And when he looks at me
My knees go weak
He’s all I could ever need
I found the missing piece of me
I want to tell it loud and free
This boy is the only one I see”
When he finished, Reggie couldn’t move. His eyes were transfixed on Nick. Reggie wasn’t naive enough to believe his friends didn’t see the look on his face either. But even if they weren’t looking at him now, Nick’s next words would make them.
“There’s something I’ve been hiding from everyone. I’m bisexual. I’ve been dating someone in secret, until he couldn’t take it anymore a month ago. Eight months I made him pretend that I wasn’t kissing him at night. That I didn’t whisper I love you in his ear in my car before turning around and not talking to him in public.” Reggie could feel his friends doing the math as the realization donned on them. “Reggie, I am so sorry. I was a coward not to love you in the open, because you deserve more love than anyone in the world could ever give you.” It broke the spell. Reggie shot out of his seat, almost knocking Nick to the ground as he threw his arms around the blonde boy with tears in his eyes and a smile on his face. The headset fell to the floor.
“I love you, Nick.” He whispered into his neck.
“I love you, too, Reggie. And I don’t want you to be my secret anymore.”
They both knew they would need to talk about this. But with their classmates cheering behind them, they settled for sharing a gentle kiss in each other’s arms for now.