How Are You Holding Up?
“Welcome back, students.”
Hoida smiled at all of them.
Max’s first class of the day was Transfiguration. Well, technically, her first classes of the day were Transfiguration and a double Herbology block with Brooke, but Transfiguration was the one she was doing right now. With the Slytherins and Hufflepuffs. She was the only Gryffindor - because time travel shenanigans meant that she had to attend classes that the other Gryffindors didn’t.
“Pair up!”
Max blinked - and glanced to her side, at Kate.
Kate smiled and gave her a thumbs-up.
Max returned it.
“Ah, no, wait, all of you,” Hoida said - the students that were shuffling about to find their friends stopped. “I’ve assigned you all partners.”
There was a chorus of groans - and Hoida peered sharply at all of them.
“I don’t want to hear you complaining,” she said - everyone went quiet. When she wanted to, Hoida could command a room. “This is your own fault. Last time, when I let you all choose your own partners, you nearly destroyed this classroom. This is what happens when you choose someone you’ll make trouble with. So - Trevor Adams with Luke Parker.”
She rattled off name after name. Max listened anxiously for her own.
“Max Caulfield, with Nathan Prescott,”
Oh no.
Max glanced to her right - and Prescott was already looking at her.
She waved weakly.
Prescott scowled, and turned away.
Kate patted her shoulder sympathetically.
“Kate Marsh, with Taylor Christensen,”
That made Kate smile, and turn to Taylor - who was another Hufflepuff.
Max stared blankly at her table, and wished the ground would swallow her whole.
“We’ll be starting off with a pretty easy assignment, to get you back on your feet after the Summer. Turn your button into a needle.”
Nathan and Caulfield were sitting at the same table. Which was…
Awful, first of all. It was awful. Caulfield was an absolutely imbecilic lowlife mudblood who didn’t deserve to look him in the eye, much less be partnered with him. And, of course, the DADA incident still burned in his chest.
Little mudblood whore, dueling him, dodging his spell, getting him in trouble - with Mr. Jefferson, no less…
He sneered.
Caulfield glanced up at him, and instantly darted her gaze back down when she saw him scowling at her.
And the worst thing was - she was filling his headspace.
Between little reminders from the back of his brain that it seemed about time to take his potions, and darting thoughts about Victoria, all he’d be thinking about was Max fucking mudblood Caulfield.
And the way she’d dodged his spell.
And the way she’d counterattacked.
Jefferson’s glare had burned a hole into his skull that still itched now.
His nails scraped against the edge of the desk as he pulled out his wand, and flicked it at his button.
“Acuiteloce,” he muttered.
Nothing happened.
“You’re doing it wrong.”
He glanced sharply to his side - where Max Caulfield was watching him, button already transfigured into a needle in front of her.
Caulfield floundered slightly when he scowled at her.
“Uhm-”
“I don’t need yourhelp, mudblood,” he said with a sharp scowl.
For a brief, brief moment - something deadly sharp flashed in Caulfield’s eyes.
And then it vanished.
“Okay,” she muttered, looking down at her desk again. “Sorry.”
He stared at her for a moment longer - and then turned back to his button to try again.
He made no headway.
By the end of class, his button had sharpened slightly on its end. Hoida gave Caulfield five points for her needle - and pursed her lips when she saw Nathan’s nearly untouched button.
“I expect better work than this in the future, Mr. Prescott,” she said, glancing up to peer at his eyes.
A bubbling instinct told him to scowl at her - to tell her that he was the pureblood here, he was going to have enough to fucking buy her once Father died.
He didn’t. Instead, he simply said, ‘yes ma’am,’ while giving her a glare that bubbled fiercely.
“Oh, and Max, stay behind after class, please,” Hoida added, giving Caulfield a smile.
Nathan decided as he left the classroom that he wasn’t going to think about Caulfield again. All day.
He spent most of the rest of the day dedicatedly not thinking about her.
“Max.”
Max gave Hoida a hesitant glance.
Hoida smiled, and gestured for her to sit down.
The classroom was very barren, when it was empty. The desks lined up without any students to occupy them. The windows spilling in a soft morning light.
Hoida’s desk was nearly empty, except for a stack of papers, a quill inside a canister of ink, an apple-shaped paperweight, and a small closed container that was presumably for her glasses.
“Are you going to talk to me about the time turner again, ma’am?” Max said, feeling a little more bold than usual - especially with the soft simmering anger that was still in her throat after sitting next to Prescott for so long.
Hoida raised her eyebrows.
“...No, actually.”
Max blinked.
There was a moment of quiet.
“How are you doing, Max?” Hoida said, folding her hands on the desk.
Max blinked again. “...Huh?”
“How are you?” Hoida repeated. “I wanted to check in. That much studying can’t be great. So - how are you holding up?”
“Uhm…”
How was Max holding up?
On the one hand, there was the time turner. Despite Bowers’s words, Max felt less and less scared of it every hour it was around her neck. After using it once, and facing no consequences, she couldn’t help but feel a lot less anxious and scared about owning it.
On the other hand, there was Brooke, and her obvious suspicions about Max already.
There was Jefferson, who was the first decent DADA teacher they’d ever had.
But there were also the tutoring sessions, and the one she had to take with Jefferson later today for… some reason Max apparently wasn’t allowed to be privy to yet.
And then there was… Chloe.
So, between all that, Max hadn’t really had time to think about how she was holding up.
Well, compared to the situation around her… pretty well, she supposed. All things considered.
“Ms. Hoida… would it be okay if I asked you a question?”
Hoida, after a moment, nodded. “Of course, Max.”
“Are you… straight?”
Hoida blinked. “...Like, sexually?”
Max blushed, but nodded.
“...Max, you aren’t… hitting on me, right?”
Max turned a fiery red, and instantly began shaking her head vigorously. “No - nonono. No. No. No, I just… I was just curious, ma’am.”
Hoida let out a relieved sigh, and smiled at her. “Good. Because you’re a really great student, Max, and I would hate it if you had some wildly inappropriate crush on me.”
“No, ma’am - I promise you, I don’t,” Max said.
“Well, to answer your question - no. I’m not.”
Max’s eyes widened. “You’re gay?”
Hoida smiled softly. “There’s more than just gay and straight, Max.”
“You’re bisexual?” Max said, eyes widening a little more. Hoida laughed.
“No, Max, I’m not.”
“...Oh,” Max said, softly. “Then… what are you?”
“Asexual,” Hoida said. “I’m not attracted to anyone in a sexual way. I guess you never noticed my pride pins.”
Max blinked. “Your what?”
Hoida turned the cuff of her sleeve around - and showed her four small cufflinks, coloured black, grey, white, and purple respectively.
“Those are the colours of the asexual pride flag,” Hoida said, smiling down at the cufflinks. “I bought them when I was nineteen. And dumb. Really dumb. Still treasure them, though, even if they got people telling me that my sexuality doesn't exist every now and again.”
Max blinked again. “...What?”
“Yeah, some people don’t think asexuality is real,” Hoida said, voice turning from nostalgic to blank in a moment.
“But… surely you would know better than them?” Max said, furrowing her brow. “How would they know if it was real?”
“They wouldn’t,” Hoida said simply.
“Then who are they to decide it isn’t?” Max asked, genuinely confused.
“Nobody,” Hoida said, sighing. “But some people feel that they’re entitled to things that they aren’t, and know things that they don’t. It’s part of being human - having people hate you for who you are. You know what that’s like - being a muggleborn and all.”
“But… at least people acknowledge muggleborns exist,” Max said, looking down at Hoida’s desk and trying to sift through this new information. “I don’t understand how anyone could decide a whole sexuality just… isn’t real.”
Hoida sighed again.
And then smiled.
“That’s why your generation will do better, Max,” Hoida said. “...But we weren’t talking about me. What does this have to do with you?”
“I… well, uh… how did you know you were asexual?” Max said, looking up at her.
Hoida’s eyes glittered with comprehension, for a moment, before she answered. “Well… I guess it started when all my friends were talking about people they were attracted to. And my parents kept trying to get me with this guy, too - God, he was the worst…”
Max stared at Hoida. Hoida shook her head slightly.
“Right, anyway. It wasn’t really a… lightning bolt revelation. It creeped up on me. Eventually, I just had to acknowledge that little thought at the back of my head - that kept asking if I might not be attracted to people. At least, not the same way that my friends were. I didn’t really realize it, or figure it out - I just… acknowledged it. The thought had been there for a while - the creeping suspicion. I just had to let it out of the shadows, and… let myself be who I was.”
“...Huh,” Max said, quietly.
“Why do you ask?” Hoida said.
“Well…”
Max cracked.
“Okay, so, I’ve got this friend, Chloe, and she’s been like my best bestie for a long while now, but recently like, she told me that she’s gay and asked if I was, and I said no, duh, but like, then she put her hand on my shoulder and smiled at me in this really soft way that kinda made my stomach turn, and now she’s asking out this friend of her’s and I thought I didn’t want that because I didn’t think they’d be a good match up but now I’m kinda thinking maybe it’s not really that? And I’m just really confused and kinda sick a lot of the time now.”
Hoida stared at her.
Max let out a breath. “...Sorry.”
“For what?” Hoida said.
“For ranting at you like that.”
Hoida smiled. “Well, I wouldn’t really call it a rant. More a… string of projectile word vomit.”
Max snorted.
“...Max.”
Max glanced up. “Yeah?”
“Do you want my advice? Or did you just want to talk?” Hoida said softly.
“I’d… like some advice,” Max said. It felt good to admit.
“...Well, first of all - hun, you’re so gay,” Hoida said with a sharp eye.
Max sighed. “...Yeah. I kinda… figured.”
Hoida nodded. “Good. But, honestly, with this crush - if Chloe’s already dating someone else… you might wanna try to move on, Max. She’s your friend, and that’s great, but she’s unavailable.”
“...Yeah,” Max said again, softer this time.
“...I’m sorry, Max,” Hoida said quietly. “I know crushes suck. Especially first crushes. But it sounds like this one’s not gonna work out. And it’ll go away, if you let it.”
“Okay,” Max said. “Thanks, Miss Hoida.”
“Don’t thank me, Max,” Hoida said. “Just doing my job. And don’t get hung up on Chloe, okay? I’m sure you’ll end up falling head-over-heels for someone later down the road. I know first crushes seem really bad, but I know you’ll meet someone really great, Max. You deserve it.”
Max smiled. “Thanks, Miss Hoida.”
Hoida smiled. “Didn’t I just tell you not to thank me?”
Max giggled. “Okay, Miss Hoida.”
“Get outta here, you little rascal,” Hoida said, jerking her thumb towards the door.
Max stood up, and walked out of the classroom. She heard Hoida call, ‘Stay safe, make good choices!’ after her.
She felt the tiniest bit better.