Miu, as the gorgeous girl genius that she was, had had a fair share of male suitors. And female suitors as well.
No, that wasn’t true. She just wished it was. Like her abundant arrogance and confidence, it was just part of the misleading visage she acted out. Technically it wasn’t a lie. No one had ever asked her outright how many people she’d been with. People just made assumptions based on her persona, and that was the way she liked it.
In truth, she’d a few flings with people in her school. More than two, less than five. Most recently, a friends-with-benefits arrangement with a cute kid she’d met through her robotics club. They’d been friends for a few months, and hooking up for just as long. It was a nice arrangement- Kiibo was intelligent, and kind, and endearingly awkward in a way that made her laugh. But “nice” was all she could describe it as. It was still a huge step up from some of her other short-lived relationships. For once, she was treated as a person. They cared about what she wanted. Everything should have worked out, everything should have made sense. But when they finally asked her out after weeks of spending time with each other, sharing their dreams and insecurities, and sleeping together, it just felt. Wrong. The pieces didn’t fall into place. The wires wouldn’t connect. And instead of saying “yes,” the gorgeous girl genius ran and hid in the bathroom.
Not very cool and sexy of her.
Still catching her breath, she looked at the inside of the dingy pink stall door, but all she could see was Kiibo’s confused expression as she had turned and bolted. Maybe that was answer enough! Maybe they’d take the hint and never speak of this again and then she’d never have to officially turn them down. Despite her visceral reaction and certainty that she did not feel good about the prospect of dating Kiibo, she couldn’t discern why.
She liked Kiibo! She did! They made her laugh, they treated her well, and she was attracted to them. She greatly enjoyed the sex, and knew they did too. Objectively they would be a great partner. So why couldn’t she just go along with it?
*new message*
—----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
I apologize if my behavior or forwardness was off-putting. Let’s not go out if you don’t want to. However I would like to remain friends. Please text me back. -Kiibo :]
—----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Miu rolled her eyes. Kiibo’s unique texting style sometimes made them sound like a bot. And when would Miu Iruma take offense at someone being too ‘forward’? Normally she wouldn’t have thought twice about rejecting someone’s advances, but normally those advances were from a creepy guy on the street, not her best friend. She felt an ache deep in her chest, knowing she was going to end up ruining her closest friendship. With benefits. Cocky and abrasive as she was, shy, demure Kiibo had decided she was worth their time. And, though she hated to admit it, she needed them.
In a series of regrettable mistakes, Miu did not text them back. Nor did she show up to their robotics club meeting (the club that she formed!). The thought of confrontation set her whole body on edge, like she was in a pool of water just waiting for someone to chuck a toaster in. For a week, she avoided them, becoming noticeably more paranoid as she peeked around corners and watched from an upstairs window, waiting for Kiibo to leave school everyday. She didn’t dare tell her friends why. This ever-increasing anxiety was uncharacteristic of her, and she couldn’t even explain it. At some point, her focus drifted from “how do I talk to Kiibo?” to “what the fuck is wrong with me that I’m this adverse to going on a fucking date?” She’d been on plenty of dates before! Just…not with anyone she cared about. They weren’t even “dates” so much as boring, overcomplicated foreplay so she could make out with a stranger in empty stairwells and other people’s houses.
After a week of accumulating misery and dissecting every Kiibo-related thought, she texted them back.
—----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
hey
im sorry i was being a dick and avoidinh you all week
id really like to talk to you please i fucked up i shdouldnt have run off like that and i miss hanging out with yoi
ill be at robotics tues. csn we chat after
—----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
—----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Yes, I am free then. -Kiibo :]
I miss you too -Kiibo :]
—----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
~~~
“Hi.”
Miu was sitting leaning against the wall in the robotics lab, knees pulled up to her chest.
“Hi,” she replied awkwardly, as though they hadn’t spent the last three hours in a club meeting behaving normally towards each other.
Kiibo tentatively took a seat next to her, at first mimicking her knees-up sitting position before evidently deciding it was uncomfortable and just sitting cross-legged.
“I-i didn’t…I didn’t mean to freak out on you like that.”
“Yes, I did find it abnormal. Especially for you. You’re always so confident and certain of what you want. I anticipated that if you weren’t interested in going on a date with me, you would tell me.”
She smirked and tilted her head back to stare into the bright fluorescent lights. The glare blinded her peripherals so she could barely see Kiibo at all.
“You know I’m not really that confident. It’s all an act.” She blew a strand of hair off her face. “I don’t know what's wrong with me. I really like you. I don’t want to be alone the rest of my life. Like some fuckin virgin loser. But I can’t imagine myself ever being somebody’s girlfriend. God, this is so stupid!”
Kiibo tilted their head inquisitively, gazing at their friend with their intense blue eyes as if looking forcefully enough would allow them to see into her mind and deconstruct the meaning of her words.
“What part of that bothers you? Being in an exclusive relationship? Being a girl? …Being with me, specifically?”
Sensing the hurt in their ordinarily steady tone, Miu lowered her head and turned to look them in the eye. Which was largely pointless, since she had spent the last several seconds staring directly into the light and her vision was obscured by flashes of red and yellow fog.
“I’m definitely a girl. Exclusive relationship maybeee; I guess i've never committed to anyone before. But everyone who's been interested in me has been a jackass. Except you.”
“But you don’t want to date me.”
“I do not want to date you.” Maybe if she just matched their robotic dialect, it would provide enough distance between the meaning of her words and the thought that she was fucking up the friendship she cared the most about.
The fog had mostly dissipated, and Kiibo was no longer facing her, instead looking at their finger as they anxiously traced squares around the floor tiles. They opened their mouth to speak; hesitating, Miu noticed, like they always did before speaking their mind on a topic they disagreed on.
“Do you think maybe...you're just aromantic?”
She wasn’t sure what she’d been expecting them to say, but it wasn’t that.
“No way, I'm romantic as shit!”
Kiibo sighed. “Okay one, shit’s not very romantic. I mean, you do you, but…” they gestured vaguely in a defensive position, clearly being hesitant to finish the insinuation. Despite the unpleasant context, Miu couldn’t help but internally smile at the way her most bashful friend was picking up on her speech patterns and vulgar jokes.
”And two, I don’t think you are Miu. Being promiscuous-” Miu made a mock offended face- “isn't the same as being romantic. Think about it. You hate rom coms-”
“Yeah, cuz they’re stupid and unrealistic!”
“-you hate valentine’s day-”
“Because it’s been co-opted by capitalists to sell us fuckin teddy bears and shit that no one needs!”
“Miu, have you ever truly had a crush on someone? Have you ever asked someone else out? Or do you just wait for opportunities to approach you?”
Fine, she could make an argument too! Though as she began speaking, holding up fingers for each of her points, she realized she wasn’t sure why exactly she was fighting their suggestion at all.
“First of all, (one finger) that’s not fair! I’m a girl, that's how it works, men ask me out, not the other way around!”
“That's bullshit, and you know it.”
Miu smacked them on the arm.
“Second, (two fingers) obviously I’ve had crushes! Ever since I was a kid! Sailor Venus was my first true love!”
“Miu, that doesn’t count, she’s not rea-”
“I’m talking! Third-” her internal Argument Engine ran out of steam. “...shit. I forgot my point.”
“It sounds to me like you’ve only ever experienced attraction to others. That’s not the same thing as romantic feelings. Though they are erroneously conflated quite often.”
She chewed uncomfortably on her thumbnail.
“Being aromantic doesn’t mean you can’t find people attractive, or have sex, or have friends that you love. It just means you experience romantic attraction less than most people. And that's fine. I would never dislike you or resent you for that.”
Miu flicked her bitten-off nail across the floor.
“You…you might be right. I dunno. But my amazing genius inventor brain is too full right now to handle any batshit theories which may or may not be true.”
Her mood abruptly switched from self conscious and annoyed to a blank stare Kiibo couldn’t interpret.
“Do you love me?” She looked them dead in the eye.
“Of course! You’re one of my closest friends, Miu.”
“I mean romantically.”
“Well…” Kiibo broke the piercing eye contact. “Yes. I think I do.” Then after a moment of silence, “Do you love me? I mean, romantically.”
Miu said nothing.
~~~
He didn’t know know. But he knew. There were so many abnormal things about him that had made him certain he’d never have a normal relationship. This one just kind of got lost in the mix. And now Shuichi Saihara was in dire need of advice.
He was laying on the floor, limbs spread out like a starfish, as if he was trying to get them as far away from his body as possible. He thought the whole ordeal made him look pretty pathetic. A few feet away, the door to the study room opened, then shut, and two unconcerned feet traipsed in and took a seat in a desk chair, spinning around a few times for good measure.
“Dude, are you good?” his best friend Kaito asked. “When you asked me to come here, I thought you wanted my advice on homework or something. Which was surprising, since I’m always asking you to use your fancy detective skills to help me get away with cheating.”
Shuichi merely grumbled, forcing himself to sit up so he could speak to his friend like a normal person.
“No. My homework is fine. I asked you to meet me-” He winced, knowing the can of worms he was opening would end up being supremely embarrassing for him. “-because I need relationship advice.”
“Oh hell yeah, I’m always down to help a friend out! Bring it on! Oh wait, that means there’s a problem isn’t there? Damn it. I ‘hell yeah-ed’ too close to the sun.”
“Kaito, that’s not…” He decided not to bother explaining why that metaphor was meaningless in this context. “I’ll just…start from the beginning.”
Ever since they met as transfer students, Shuichi and Kaede had been friends. He’d secretly pined after her for a year, thinking there was no way she liked him back. He was awkward, and emo, and insecure. She radiated gentle optimism and comfort. He could scarcely understand why she even spent time with him. Plus, he was pretty sure from the jokes she made and the pictures she liked on Instagram that she was gay. Or into girls at least. So when she’d asked him to go on a date with her at the end of the previous school year, he was elated. And very afraid of messing it up. But it’d been a few months now, and things were going great. Granted, it had been difficult hardly seeing her over the summer; him staying with his uncle and her at music camp made it so that they didn’t speak in person nearly the whole time.
It was such a comfort to finally see her again once school started. But now it was late September, and Kaede was really pushing the idea of a sleepover over fall break. Which, don’t get him wrong, he definitely wanted to do! And it was adorable how excited she got as the two of them planned together the elaborate lie to explain to her parents why she was gone for a whole weekend. But….
“Aghh,” Shuichi sighed, very clearly uncomfortable with this part of the story. “Kaede’s so great. And I really love her. But she’s dated other people before, and I havent, and…” He was white-knuckling the edge of the gross school rug. “I don’t know if I’ll be able to meet her…expectations.”
“Huh? Th’ hell do you mean?” Kaito asked, incredulously and loudly, making Shuichi remind him that they were technically having this conversation in a library. “You’ve been dating for like three months, and known each other for a year. If you weren’t good enough for her, you’d have figured it out a long time ago.”
Shuichi gave him a dirty look. “Thanks. That means a lot.”
“Not that you’re-! I mean, of course you’re good enough for-”
“That's not what I was talking about. I mean…” he sighed, for what felt like the thousandth time in this incredibly draining and uncomfortable conversation. “We’ve..we’ve kissed and stuff, you know? But that’s it. And now we’re going to be staying the night together, alone, and…I’m afraid she’s going to want to do something and I’m not going to be ready for it.”
“Ohhhh.”
“So what should I do? You’ve been in a relationship for a while, I assume you and Maki have…” He winced. “Sorry, is that too personal?”
“Not at all!” Kaito grinned, toothily. “No secrets between friends, right?” He gave Shuichi, who’d since gotten off the floor and was sitting on top of a desk, a firm clap on the back. Once he was sure Shuichi wasn’t about to fall off, he continued.
“To tell the truth, Maki and I didn’t do anything for a month or two after we started dating. And, and it wasn’t weird, y’know? We just weren’t sure we were ready, but then at some point the mood was right and we decided we were ready, and it was totally fine!”
Internally, Shuichi thanked any higher powers who kept Kaito from saying anything embarrassingly explicit.
“There’s nothing wrong with waiting. And Kaede’s a good girl, right? I don’t think she’d push you to do anything you weren’t comfortable with.”
“No, no, not at all, I don’t think she would either!” He chuckled nervously. “I know it's irrational, and just my thoughts getting to me, but i’m worried-”
Shuichi’s moment of emotional vulnerability was suddenly interrupted by a blaring alarm on Kaido’s phone.
“Oh crap! Dude, I’m supposed to be driving someone to the airport right now!” What?? Shuichi didn’t bother asking. “Can we put this on hold for like a quick four hours?”
“Yeah. Yeah, totally. Thanks Kaito. That actually helped.” Somewhat.
Kaido flung open the door to the study room, leaving a black mark as the handle banged into the wall.
“Good luck having a healthy sex life!” he called out behind him, disregarding his surroundings entirely.
~~~
Rain splattered ambiently against Shuichi’s bedroom window. Hurricane force winds practically glued wet orange leaves to the glass. The light from his TV glowed soft across the room, where he and Kaede lay in bed watching Over The Garden Wall. It was her choice; perfect for the season. They were barely paying attention though, instead exchanging hushed conversation and laughter as they snuggled tight under the covers. It had been a very enjoyable evening. Shuichi was exhausted, and wanted nothing more than to stay up and talk to Kaede about the superiority of diagonal parking, why orange cats are genetically stupid, and what traumatic events from their childhoods influenced how they exist in the world today.
She was shivering, despite the blankets; but to be fair, Shuichi reasoned, she was wearing very little clothing. Just a cropped tank top and fuzzy pajama shorts. It was really adorable, and he kept thinking of how pretty she looked despite her entire body being hidden under the covers. He pulled her close to him, and she pulled him closer, making a hushed joke about conserving body heat. His hand broke from hers and reached around her soft waist instead. She brushed his hair to the side of his face and gently caressed his cheek, her hand trailing down to rest on his chest. He wasn’t wearing his binder anymore, just a sports bra, but he didn’t care. He’d never been this close with someone before. He’d never been this in love with someone before.
Kaede silently pulled out the remote, muted the tv, and rolled over to straddle him in one fluid motion. Some sort of feeling emerged in his stomach; whether it was arousal or something more unpleasant, he wasn’t yet sure. She leaned in and pressed her lips to his, and he let his body relax to kiss her back. He could handle kissing. He enjoyed kissing. And she was so good at it.
For minutes they stayed just like that, kissing eagerly and occasionally breaking away just to look at each other’s blissful faces. He could relax with her in control. His fear about things going too far was forgotten. They were just kissing. Just kissing…
Lips still locked, he felt her gentle hand slide up the bottom of his shirt to rest on his chest. Her hand slipped under his bra strap-
He stopped.
“Wait-”
She stopped too, feeling his body tense up.
“Are you alright?” Even in the dim light, he could see the genuine concern in her eyes, and the feeling in his stomach cemented into discomfort and guilt.
“I’m okay- I don’t think I want to do this.” HIs voice dropped to a shameful whisper. “I’m sorry.”
Kaede pulled back, now kneeling on the bed next to him.
“Hey, it’s okay! You don’t have to apologize. We don’t have to do anything if you’re not ready. I’m sorry; I should’ve asked you first what you were okay with.”
He nodded, but somewhere deep down he was a little bit glad she hadn’t asked. He didn’t think he would have given an honest answer. And then he wouldn’t have any excuse-
“Do you still want to watch the rest of the show?”
“Very much so.”
She turned the sound back on and they resumed their conversation, but it was different. There was an eerie silence; it'd stopped raining. He glanced over her out the window, catching a glimpse of the downed limbs and scattered branches that he wasn’t ready to deal with. Maybe in the morning.
~~~
Ever since their sleepover, both Kaede and Kaito’s words kept echoing in his head. “When you’re ready.” He was afraid he never would be. He wasn’t sure if he wanted to be.
“Hi!” Kaede appeared in the doorway, smiling sweetly. She looked beautiful in her pink skirt and sweater vest. He wondered how it was possible that he was so attracted to her, yet still didn’t want to have sex with her. How could he explain that? Would she understand?
She took a seat in a chair beside him. “What was it you wanted to speak about in the choir room, at 4pm, on a Tuesday?”
“With the candlestick,” he mumbled, knowing the joke was dumb as he said it. She laughed anyway. God, her laugh was beautiful. What if he never got to hear that laugh again?
“Actually, this was just the first place I could think of that would be empty.”
“There’s no musical dilemma for your musical girlfriend to solve?”
He was going to miss their banter.
“Kaede…” He tried to steady his breathing, unsuccessfully. “I wanted to talk about last weekend. When…you know…agh, I’m not good at this.”
“No, it’s alright. Take your time.”
He tried again, somewhat successfully, to steady his breathing.
“You said we didn’t have to do anything if I wasn’t ready. But I don’t know- I dont think I'm ever going to be ready. To have sex. With you.”
She blinked, clearly not expecting that. Shuichi hated being such a disappointment.
“And it's not because there’s anything wrong with you! You’re incredible, and so talented, and I love being around you. And I am attracted to you…”
“You just don't want to have sex with me.”
“...Pretty much. Yeah. Because…” He pulled his limbs close to his body and lowered his voice, “I think I might be asexual.”
“Okay! That’s alright.”
His head snapped up to meet her eye level. “Huh?”
“That doesn’t change how I feel about you. There’s a million reasons why I love you. You being hot is just one of them.” She laughed at her own joke. He couldn’t help but smile back. “If you don’t want to have sex, then we won’t have sex.”
“Are you serious?”
“Yes, Shuichi, I mean it. I still love you. I'm glad you felt comfortable telling me. And I still want to be your girlfriend.” She paused. “..if you still want to be my boyfriend.”
The pit of shame deep in his stomach was lifted. It was going to be okay. He couldn’t trust himself, but he trusted her, and if she said it was okay, he could believe her.
“Does that mean…you’re asexual too then?”
She smiled regretfully. “No. I’m not.”
“Well that’s not fair then! I don't want to…if you want to have sex with someone…and I can’t… that’s not fair to you.”
Now it was Kaede’s turn to look nervous and guilty as she lined up her next words in her mind.
“What if…I didn’t have sex with you then? What if I had sex with someone else?”
He hadn’t even considered that arrangement. Every time he’d played through this conversation in his mind, it ended with her leaving him. But if there was a way for them to date, and love each other, without him feeling guilty for his sexuality…
~~~
—----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Hey girl! Long time, no talk!
Sorry, my lifes been crazy busy lately lol
Would you want to go get ihop or somethin tonight and catch up?
—----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
—----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
oh he’ll yea
im gona fuck up some starberry crepes
—----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Miu beamed as Kaede walked into the diner. So much had been going on with Kiibo, and herself, and she was practically buzzing, waiting to share the drama with her friend. They ordered and started sipping their 10pm coffees.
“Okay, well I’ll start.” Miu slammed her elbows on the table. “Pretty much, I’ve been hooking up with this person in my robotics club-”
“Oooohh!”
“...don’t get excited yet.”
Miu told the whole story about how she’d been asked out, and freaked the fuck out about it, but now things were “golden,” despite the fact that she wasn’t “getting that nerd dick anymore.” Ultimately Kiibo had decided they shouldn’t hook up anymore because they love her, and she doesn’t love them back, which is fine, but because of that, they feel like they'd be taking advantage of her if they kept sleeping together, and even if she doesn’t think that's taking advantage of her, they don't feel okay with it, but they're still friends!
She explained this all in one breathless sentence; the coffee was already kicking in.
Kaede fiddled with a sugar packet before ripping it open and taking it like a shot.
“I’m happy to hear that you’re still friends!
Miu pouts, half-heartedly stirring her straw around in her cup with one finger and watching the whipped cream on her latte melt.
“I should’ve just said yes. Then none of this bullshit would’ve happened.”
Kaede balked at that. “No? You shouldn’t have? Miu, you shouldn’t agree to date someone if you can't stand the idea of dating someone. There is no world in which that would’ve ended well, for either of you.”
“Goddamn you. Filthy whore, being right all the time…” Miu sighed and sipped her coffee. “But yeah, that’s what’s been going on with me lately. And now I’m horny all the time.”
Kaede winced and smiled at the same time, unsure what the appropriate reaction to such a statement was. “...good for you, I guess? Is it my turn now? Okay. Sorry, I just didn’t want to interrupt you.”
Miu nodded, sensing the shift in the mood. “Yeah, I wanna hear about your shit too.”
“Well, you know I’ve been seeing Shuichi,” She began. “And it's been going well! It’s been going well. But we had kind of a difficult conversation the other day, becausehe’snotinterestedinsleepingwithme, and now-”
Miu gasped. “Why the hell not? You’re hot as fuck!”
Kaede laughed. “No, it’s…we’ve worked out an agreement. I’ll just explain from the beginning…”
Kaede recounts the conversation to Miu, who, to her credit, took it seriously and (mostly) refrained from any sex jokes. Kaede tells her about the agreement they had settled on.
Miu slammed the table. “Aw hell yeah, you go girl, get that dick-slash-pussy!”
Kaede laughed, embarrassed but relieved to have her friend’s support. Not that she’d ever doubted her.
“Well, I still haven't actually been with anyone else yet. I was talking to Rantaro about this as it was all happening and he said he might be able to set me up with someone, but…I dunno, a date is one thing but it feels so weird to have your friend organize a hookup for you!”
Miu nodded.
“And Maki was my hall pass before any of this happened, but she’s dating Kaito, and i'm like 90% sure she’s straight.”
Miu finished her drink. “Oh, no way in hell. That girl’s gotta be at least bi. I wouldn’t be surprised if they both were.” Her face lit up for a second and she snapped, pointing across the table at Kaede. “Hey, there's an idea! The three of you could-”
“Nope, nope-nope-nope-nope. I’m not gonna be responsible for anyone else's sexual or asexual awakenings.”
“Well, still, you’re super lucky he’s chill like that. And you basically have blanket permission now to fuck whoever you want!”
Kaede rolls her eyes. “It's not like I couldn't have done that before. I just didn’t have anyone else I wanted to sleep with. And besides, you’re the exact same! No one’s stopping you from, as you so eloquently put it, ‘fucking whoever you want.”
Kaede paused, fully registering what she’d just said. “You know…” She slid her hand across the table, resting it on top of Miu’s. “We’re kind of in exact opposite situations.”
It took Miu a moment to realize holy shit is SHE actually coming on to ME? She smiled. “Wonder if we could do somethin about that.” She pulled her hand out from under Kaedes, interlocking their fingers instead.
“...Hey, would you want to go back to my place?”
“Don’t you live like thirty minutes away?”
Kaede grinned and let out an over dramatic sigh. “Fineeee. Would you want to go back to my car?”
“Yup,” Miu responded with no hesitation, as she swept their trash onto a tray with one hand and grabbed her purse with the other.