“Why Mina? Why?! Are my sacrifices not enough? Am I not enough? Why...” Jeongyeon angrily rubs at the tears that free falls from her eyes.
She’s mad.
Mad at her girlfriend of six years.
Six years...
Six fucking years of her life she can never take back.
She's mad at herself for allowing this to happen between them.
Their room is a mess. Just like their hearts and mind.
The bed sheets and some pillows are on the floor. Mina’s phone screen is cracked.
The pieces of what used to be a flower vase which Jeongyeon made for Mina on their third anniversary is on the floor along with wilted flowers.
It’s been days since Jeongyeon last gave her flowers.
They’ve been physically fighting for 10 minutes before it all boiled down to helpless talking ang both of them are tired. Mentally and physically.
“I’m so sorry Jeongyeon. I love you. I loved you. But my parents will never approve of us. I tried.. I tried to tell them just this year. I wanted them to know about us but we both know them accepting our relationship is wishful thinking. And because of it I started having doubts. I get confused... and... and he was there when I needed him.. My parents will like him...” Mina whispered the last sentence but it still reached Jeongyeon’s ears.
Jeongyeon lets out a dry laugh at this.
“Of course. Of course it’s convenient to have him than to have me. He’s rich, he owns a decent car, he’s from a good family. Everything that I am not, right Mina? But I trusted you! I trusted you enough to think that your love for me can outweigh all these advantage of other people from me. I promised you I’ll get there. We’ll get there. Together. If you just give me more time you know I’ll work hard for the two of us-“
“That’s the point Jeongyeon! How? When you can’t even live without me! When you ditched a job opportunity in Canada because you’d rather be with me! It’s no longer healthy, you know that. Let’s just break up. Let me go. Please.” Mina begs and Jeongyeon can only grit her teeth at this.
She exits their shared room because she feels suffocated. She can't breathe. Her heart feels like it wants to get ripped out of her chest.
They are staying at Mina’s huge family house. Just the two of them since Mina’s family thinks she’s old enough to live on her own. They’ve been living together for three years. Jeongyeon felt free with Mina inside the little nest they've created for themselves. It feels like they were married and living the life.
Everything was fine... until it wasn't.
Jeongyeon goes down the flight of stairs slowly. When she reaches the kitchen, she walks towards the fridge and grabs a couple of beer bottles.
She’s too sober for feelings.
Her heart is aching so bad she can feel it in her veins. Her eyes are tired from all the crying she’s been doing every night.
This will be the last day they’ll spend together, she thinks. The last day she’ll be with Mina.
So with a heavy heart she takes the bottles with her upstairs, back to their room.
The room is dark. The only source of light coming from the street lamp outside that reflects on the windows.
She sees Mina on the bed, rolled over with tear stains on her cheeks.
Jeongyeon’s heart feels heavier.
She did this.
She hurt Mina.
Made her cry and have been rough with Mina. Jeongyeon who’s supposed to love her, hurt the one she loves. And she thinks Mina didn’t deserve it despite Mina cheating on her.
Jeongyeon feels beaten down as she sinks down on the floor. She leans her back on the bed frame as she opens one beer bottle and chugging it down, hoping to erase just a little bit of guilt she feels from hurting the woman she loves. Hoping the pain she feels right now, like hurting her rib cage and ripping her heart open, subsides even just a little.
Jeongyeon hears Mina shuffle on the bed and sees her girlfriend’s or ex girlfriend’s hand asking to have a sip of beer she was drinking.
With a sigh, she hands Mina the bottle and lets her drink from it.
Jeongyeon can only stare at the white walls.
She sees a picture of them together taken during their outreach program in college which Mina has printed years ago, now torn and on the floor in front of her.
They only have a few pictures together given that Jeongyeon hates the camera while her girlfriend loves it so much she became a photographer. Jeongyeon loves Mina that she takes those long dreaded "photowalks" with her around their city so Mina can take photos safely. Jeongyeon can only smile at the memories of them bickering around town while Mina takes photos everywhere and Jeongyeon will take photos of her and post it on her Instagram. Their friends would often tease her if it's jeongstagram or minastagram given that Jeongyeon's account is just like a fan account dedicated to Mina doing random things which Jeongyeon takes photos of and writes cheesy captions on.
Jeongyeon thinks maybe, maybe this is the universe kicking her to the curb for being an idiot.
She’s never been the best girlfriend to Mina.
Mina has always been the one to love her right, to love her too much. Mina has always supported her and given her everything while Jeongyeon got too comfortable with it that she thought Mina could never love another person in this lifetime.
Jeongyeon didn’t put much effort into their relationship.
Mina has always been the second, third or fourth priority for her. And Mina was fine with it.
Jeongyeon used to be a broke party animal who spends her time playing pool, smoking and drinking with the wrong crowd. A broke college student who’s disinterested in studying with a sketchy family background. A person full of traumas. She’s really a person anyone would want to avoid but Mina saw right through her. Saw that she can be something more.
Mina made her a better person.
Mina made her want to be a better person.
She wants to deserve her.
But Jeongyeon guesses her time to prove that to Mina has run out.
Mina no longer loves her while she’s still hopelessly in love with the latter.
Oh how the tables have turned.
This is karma from all the girls she’s hurt before.
Mina is her karma.
Mina gives Jeongyeon back her beer and Jeongyeon chugs everything in one go.
She stands up from the floor and crawls next to Mina on their bed.
She tugs at Mina’s body and pulls her closer to her which the other girl reluctant accepted.
Jeongyeon doesn’t want Mina to see her tears so she cries silently while holding onto Mina and saying sorry for hurting her.
Jeongyeon promises to never hurt the woman she loves again.
And if Mina’s happiness would mean Jeongyeon letting her go, of all the memories and future they planned together, Jeongyeon will have to live with it. She will take it.
She will take these last moments where she can still hold Mina in her sleep for in the morning she will have to pack her bags and leave everything they are behind.