her wager

There will be always a wager to hold on. In her prime days, she doesn't actually care about anything none other than the games and thrilling fun she's experiencing in her daily life. It is all fun and games. There's nothing wrong with that, she mused. 

But fate has another plan for her. It seems like the universe loved to play games at her, urging her to put everything in wager. Who is she to deny the call of nature? Damn right, she's not backing down when it comes to that thing. 

Somehow it feels like she's barely clinging to the universe from how the real world run. When she's alone in her own room after spending her whole day risking whatever her opponent wanted her to, her mind will suddenly clung to the reality she had. Suddenly it felt lonely, and she can't help but to imagine a normal life. Despite how crazy she might be, there's still a remaining sanity hiding beneath her mischievous antics. Her character oozed with enigma and coy tricks. Everyone who met her— actually met her for real in the battle of wits and strategy, they often think of her how inhumane she is because she can drag them down with ease. She's crazy. She's insane or maybe beyond that. And, they thought of her living a crazy life carelessly.

But, really, she's just a human— living a life in her own way.

Having a normal life wasn't in her style. Neither falling in love like a normal person wasn't too. But it is most human thing to do, isn't it? She's still a human after all.

But, meeting a certain person shook her ideal a bit. Just a bit, right? She convinced to herself despite the small voice at the depth her skull— nagging her that binding her ties with some strange fascinating golden haired girl that may lead her to unpredictable uncalled events.

But, the tiny voice inside her mind— no, maybe, the voice of her forgotten heart urged her to place her wager in this game, putting her heart in the line. This tiny voice resonated in her system after she dealt some exhilarating predicament with that young prideful girl.

That's how it is. That is the beginning of her strange addiction to get herself fade into a game that she is most likely lose herself. Or, maybe— someone else in her life. There's a lingering admiration bloomed inside her chest when she saw her universe from that pair of amber eyes.

For once, Yumeko found thrilling beyond the deck of cards.

Then, a mere thought of hopefulness strike her heart that maybe it's worth a shot.

It's strange, Yumeko mused. Her eyes solely focused on someone who doesn't love her the way she did. No, it's not strange. It is rather stupid than strange. Loving someone who wasn't finished to love someone else was difficult and risky. Never in her wildest dream she did imagine this kind of situation.

She's stuck at this kind of relationship with someone who didn't love her the same way she did. Maybe, the golden haired girl did love her but it wasn't the same as hers.

Mary doesn't love her the same way she did. It stung. It hurts so bad. But she can manage. 

Of course, Yumeko will be stuck with her foolish heart because there's no way she can't get out of it. She can't. She can't because she couldn't. And she doesn't have a heart to antagonize this feeling. She's highly aware about the state of her lover's heart being held by someone else. She can't fathom the idea of being able to stand by her side no matter what.

It's fine. It's really fine, she mused when she caught her lover eyeing someone so dearly. It is difficult to revel the sight of her lover about being smitten with someone else rather than her. 

They're together. After all the chase she did, Yumeko had the girl of her dreams but it seems like— Mary just.. let her. 

Instead of confronting her, she kept her mouth shut, bluffing herself that maybe her mind was playing tricks at her. That's where she's good at, bluffing at everything until it become a distort reality. 

With a shaky breath and quivering lips, she tried to conceal everything behind her sweet smile. It is better than nothing, she thought sadly, convincing herself that she should be grateful that her wish granted. A wish where she's able to stand by her side, to hold her like what lovers do, and to love her openly like the way she wanted. It's better than nothing, she chanted like a prayer inside her brain.

If this is the closer she can get, then, it's fine with her. She'll be patient to make her fall in love with her. After all, she knew the result of staking her own heart in this wager but she still try her luck.

But where did her luck go when she needs it the most?

The sun has risen. The sunlight has slipped through the thin sheet of curtains, and Yumeko internally regretted of changing the curtains in their shared dormitory. When she's about to move, and check the time, her body froze upon hearing a familiar sound from Mary. Little by little, she's stirring off her sleep, and a little later, she finally regained her senses. When she's about to confront her lover about the noise she's hearing, asking her if she's alright or what but her throat went dry and she aborted her plan when she heard her lover's quiet sobs.

What? Why is she crying?  She didn't move on her spot. She remained quiet and still, pretending that she's still dead asleep. After a few minutes, the room was engulfed in deafening silence, then her breathe hitched unknowingly when she felt her lover's hand caressed her forehead before planting a soft chaste kiss on it. She waited another few minutes after she heard the creaking noise from the door of their bathroom then a shutting noise of an oak wood resonated in her ears. Then, when she's sure that her lover left her alone. The dark haired girl shot up from her spot, pondering about the situation that unfolds earlier.

It seems like Mary has been crying silently on the floor. Her crying must be dulled her senses that she didn't realize that Yumeko might wake up because she knows that her lover isn't that deep sleeper.

On the other hand, Yumeko, there are a lot of things nagging behind her skull. She decides to ignore it. The searing pain of realization wakes her completely.

And then, her eyes squinted at the door. It seems like she's trying to see through the thick door despite how impossible it is. After staring at the door, Yumeko left their bed, and her attention went to their nightstand where her flaxen haired lover put her personal cellphone.

Yumeko stares at the cellphone blankly.

There is a nagging feeling upon a mere sight of her lover's cellphone tempts her to check inside of it. They're already in a relationship, right?

It's been almost a year since they started dating. And it's been a year had passed since the chaotic regiment had passed on. That election series was a whole circus and danger. It seems like those days sent them an idea of an endless battle. It was tiring yet fun. During those prime days they develop some of their character sketch, and also some relationship with others.

It is no secret that before Yumeko had the bold yellow haired girl in her arms was madly in love with someone else. Of course, that arrogant blonde will fall for someone who has been by her side through ups and downs while she's not even present at any particular event in her life because the whole student body wants her presence like she's always going to spice things up. Maybe, she appear some of events, their path crossing again to duel like how rivals should be but it's nothing more and less.

To cut the long story short, her lover— has another woman in her heart. Not Yumeko. It is her past lover who left her. Because they'll going to lose their contact sooner or later. She partially knew how did her current golden haired lover broke off with her past lover who also played a huge role in the past regiment. Yumeko's been there when her past lover left her alone in the dark. She's been there who picked up her, fixing her without any hesitation. Sure, Mary put up a fight, refusing Yumeko but sooner Mary grew tired on it then finally there's a part of her slowly wanting the other girl back.

Back to reality— she's now debating to herself if she'll check her lover's cellphone. However she gave up and let her curiosity devour her remaining restriction to check her girlfriend's cellphone.

After checking, she wished that she didn't let her curiosity drove her decision. Because seeing the history of the blonde's phone made her heart ached.

“It's always been her. But how me?” she whispered to herself while staring at the screen, displaying an old photo of her girlfriend together with her past lover.

She secretly wished that someday— she'll be able to replace her. Or, maybe, she can surpass her past lover that the flaxen haired girl loves the most.

And, damn, she wish that she won't feel anything at all.

Their graduation is coming. They'll going to leave this place. She couldn't help but to reminisce the past. Before she went overboard from reminiscing, her attention was stolen by her lover who's poking her arm.

“What is it?”

“What's your plan after graduation?”

Speaking of graduation, she's not quite sure what her life supposed to be after this phase.

“I don't know,” Yumeko answered truthfully while grinning sheepishly.

In this moment, Yumeko didn't expect that this moment will come where will she think about the future and such. Now that she has someone to love and to give her all; thinking about future is needed to be done. Then, a flash of future with her made her smile. Maybe, she had a plan but it wasn't polished. All because of Mary. That girl changed her in to something more— in to something more than a crazy and careless highschool girl.

“How about you?”

“I don't..” her face contorted in confusion when the other girl seemed so troubled about something she couldn't decipher. “You don't, what?” she pressed softly.

The blonde haired girl rolled her eyes but her facade crumbled a bit in front of her but she choose to keep her mouth shut.

“We'll see after the graduation,” the blonde girl replied instead.

After a few moments of silence, Yumeko break the deafening silence inside their shared dormitory. They started to share dormitory a few months ago.

“Oh, I had a plan to enter college,” Yumeko said while smiling to her. The Mary glanced at her briefly, “Good luck to that, idiot.” she snorted but there's a hint of smile on her usually cold biting voice.

From that, she smiled earnestly, gone with her usual cynical sweet smile.

“But, still,” she paused for awhile, glancing at her before sighing heavily. “I don't know what I plan for my life,” she confessed bashfully.

Her lover looked at her incredelously. She didn't knew why she's looking her like that.

“What?”

“Stop being shy. You looked stupid.”

“Oh, I thought you're looking at me like that because I had no plans in life.”

“Stupid,”

That's how they simply interact. She's so used to her handful antics. Sometimes her stubbornness irked her or hurt her but as the time goes by, she felt comfortable to her snarky demeanor. That's what she is, snarky and arrogant but she's soft in the inside. Mary was just shy, and that's what she figured out. But, she loved her the way she is.

After conversing into a long conversation, they grew tired from exchanging playful banter and some sort of serious talk. It felt good to her— of course, it is. Talking with your lover like there's no tomorrow was sure adorable and enough for her to sleep a good night. Silence engulfed the bedroom space, their back laying flat on the bed. Then, again, the ebony haired girl cut the silence.

“Do you think of..” her words fell when Yumeko realized what she's going to ask. “Nothing,” she halted her own words. No, she's not going to open some old wounds, an old flame that shouldn't rekindle for now. For now.

“What's your deal?”

“Let's—”

“No,”

“Hey, I'm not sayi—”

“I know you, dumb ass.”

“Aw, how mean! I just want us to pla—”

“No,”

“What?”

“What.”

After a few seconds of bickering, she's now laughing because seeing her lover plastering her signature frown was adorable. She's not going to get tired of seeing it. She'll going to burn it to her memory until she fade into her. That's how badly smitten Yumeko is to Mary.

She can't help but to embrace her grumpy lover who only grunted at her affectionate gesture like she usually is but a little later her temperamental girlfriend reciprocate her embrace trivially because that's what she is, shy and egoistic.

Moments like these was a memory she wanted to cherish. Because there's a part of her believing that any moment, this girl will going to lose her or she'll lose her.

How can Yumeko lose her when at the first place Mary's not hers to begin with?

Stolen kisses. Back hugs. And many more intimate gesture happened.

Yumeko loves the warmth from her against her chilling body every midnight. She loves how her slender finger traced every contour and line of her face, and she even counted the barely visible moles on her godly features. God, she even felt so high from hearing her genuine laugh.

She's never been this so ecstatic none other than seeing her opponent staking a lot of things until they lose their mind in the game.

The whispers in her ears when their barely awake keep her alive inside. It felt like she's a normal person when she's with her. And the sensation that she's feeling was she wanted to bear until she wither. Every part of her, the golden tresses or even her golden heart, she wanted it everything but she knew she's not any possession to be owned like that. She's her own person but— she just loved her.

This is the current wager she’s taking. And everything is worth the risk even it will only cause her downfall.

She's really a gamble freak. And she's ready to lose everything. Even in the game of hearts, she will put everything in her deck. 

No remorse. No holding back.

This is how she loved someone. It's beautiful yet destructive. To her. It seems like her love was very alike how she play a wager. Staking a lot, then when she lose, it's fine but this is different.

Yumeko would going to taste a real defeat. And she's happily to take it. If it's Mary, then— she's fine.

This wager makes her so human. And normal. She loves it. Even the pain. She will cherish it.

When they're together, she seems to forget everything in the world. She would be lost in her eyes full of galaxies. Broken yet beautiful. Yumeko wished that her Mary would stay forever.

But Yumeko knew— the person she's wishing to stay forever by her side was wishing the same but with another person.

Change was inevitable. The results of her wager was coming to her deck of life. God, she's afraid of the changes that was happening to them.

They're happy, right? Right?

Even she's not acting like everything was bothering her, Yumeko knew. Even they tried a million times, they won't hit the right pace. Because how could it work when the other one was wishing for another?

Yumeko is really good at pretending. So as her partner. But they knew the truth. But they hate to confront the bitter truth. Maybe, because they're not ready for everything might happen. It is better to hide than to confront.

They love. They just simply love but in their own ways. 

Yumeko knew how her lover secretly misses the older girl. Yumeko knew how her lover secretly searches her past lover's name in her personal accounts. She knew how many nights that her lover was hiding just to cry because of longing.

But there's also a time that she can replace the girl she loved first.

Maybe, that blonde girl really loved her. She's trying. But she can't. Or maybe, she can but she didn't want to. No one knows. Only time could tell.

She's selfish. She's selfless. Yumeko can't decide which was Mary is. Maybe, she's selfish because she lead her on— making her as a rebound. Or she's selfless, giving her all even she's not yet ready. Mary pitied her and gives her mercy for her not to suffer anymore.

Because she's that kind. But ruthless.

There's a time that woke her selfless part.

She's busy at her own errands like wagering or some sort of personal business. So, her lover asked her about hanging out that Yumeko agrees. She needs it, the ebony haired girl reasoned in her mind after agreeing to her lover.

After running her errands, she immediately went back to their shared dormitory. And, she was slightly surprised that the blonde wasn't home.

Oh, maybe, she's having fun, Yumeko mused while taking off her blazer.

Instead of following her lover, she decided to kill her time to read some magazines or scrolling through her phone. Until, she didn't realize it's past midnight. When she's going to hit a call button, the door opened unceremoniously, and then, a familiar disheveled flaxen haired girl appeared at the doorstep.

Yumeko quickly caught her, and guide her through their bed. Even the girl was reek of alcohol, her familiar scent still comforted her.

After taking good care of her, and she's going to sleep beside her, her lover was murmuring incoherent words.

Cute, Yumeko thought while eyeing Mary who's now intoxicated. She's really drunk. Her hand went to her face, cupping the side of her face like a delicate flower. Her hazel nut eyes locked on her face, memorizing every part of her face. Then, she brushed her unruly fringe that blocking her eyelids. Her lips twitched a bit, smiling softly at the view she's seeing.

“I love you,” she whispered lovingly before planting a kiss on her forehead.

“I love you too—” Mary hiccuped.

“I love—” before Yumeko could finish her statement, Mary beats her to it.

“..Riri—”

It is not her name. Never her. Never Yumeko.

Her wide smile fell. Why? Her eyes widened in surprise. It feels like a bullet pierced through her heart. Her smile was immediately replaced by a grimace.

Her world muted. Everything felt so painful. It feels like reality slaps her harder than she expects.

Of course. Mary doesn't love her the same way she did to that girl.

Then, after concealing the pain, finally, the dam has broken.

“I lose,” she mumbled when she rose up to their bed, and deciding to sleep at the couch.

She's been thinking this too much.

It's been two weeks since the incident had happened. Still, she played a good role of being her lawful girlfriend she is. Showering her affectionate gestures, and sweet words. It seems like she's doubling the affection even the other girl kind of uncomfortable with it but still let her.

How ruthless.

“Are you fine?” her girlfriend questioned, visibly worried to her since she's been spacing out throughout their class.

“Ah, yeah,” Yumeko lied.

“You looked like shit,”

“Aw, mean,”

“But, really, you fine?”

“Yes, very much,”

Still, it didn't convinced her lover.

“Tell me what's bothering you?”

“Nothing much, just missing something,”

“Like betting your life?”

“Hey, I'm not that mental,”

“Yes, you are,”

Instead of answering back, Yumeko rested her head against her lover's shoulder, reveling the warmth from her because anytime— she'll never experience this again.

“Just tired,” Yumeko mumbled softly.

Mary didn't comment instead she only put her hand on her silky ebony hair, and then patting her head.

“Then, rest,”

Yumeko wanted to cry. She really wanted to scream like crazy. The pent up emotion was bubbling inside her chest, stealing her breath away. Her eyes welled up with tears so she squeezed her eyes shut, forgetting the pain of loving someone who isn't in love the same way she did.

Why it wasn't her? Why not her? Why it doesn't need to be her?

“Hug me,” Yumeko murmured quietly that the girl hesitates first before wrapping her arms around her slender figure.

She buried her face at the crook of her neck, sniffing the smell of her. The warm feeling that radiating from her girlfriend soothes her but the pain didn't subsides.

“You know how much I love you, right?”

The other girl froze in her seat.

“Y—Yes,”

“Hm,” she hummed in response because if she speak, her voice will crack.

They just sat in silence, savouring the moment they had. Because, sooner, maybe it will never happen again.