First Kill
A soldier did not become a warrior until their first kill.
That was what Sasha had been told ever since she’d joined the toad army as an official soldier.
They say she made her first kill was to be the greatest day of her career,maybe even her life-the taking of a life, the show of power and mercilessness, the day she proved that she was no longer a weak child but a hardened,skilled warrior ready to take on anyone that was bold or stupid enough to throw themselves at her.
Sasha had dreamed of that day.
She’d heard that taking a life was the most powerful,awesome feeling you could ever feel….like the life from your victim was suddenly rushing into you and adding to your strength,vitality,your life force doubled and renewed.
Sasha had been so excited..so impatient for that day.
The day she could take a life and feel that strengthening of her life force…
The day she could prove to Grime once and for all that she was a warrior,the best damn warrior he’d ever have!!
She couldn’t wait!
Yet…
When the fateful day finally came…..
All Sasha could think was that she wished she’d waited longer…….
So much longer…..
______________________________________________________________________________
The day had started normally-Just a usual tax collection day.
This village in particular had been especially stubborn,with many late on their taxes or straight up refusing.
Sasha was helping Mire and Braddock collect assets from those who had failed to pay up….of which there were many. The human girl had spent all day knocking down doors,holding off angry and upset frogs and axolotls and carrying armfuls of possessions into their carts, then counting up what they had. She’d visited an especially poor house,inhabited by a gruff looking axolotl and his mate.The old fool had tried blocking their way,only to get punched in the face by Fens,causing him to fall to the ground as Sasha and Fens made their way inside.
A shabby place,not much there of value,so they ended up leaving with a beat up brass cooking pot,a table and a few plates.
Sasha had been carrying the plates-Grungy things hardly fit to eat off of- bored out of her mind….she didn’t like tax collections…..too boring….
But that’s when things began to get interesting.
The old axolotl,having gotten himself back up,obviously having reached his limit.
”YOU FILTHY FUCKING MAGGOTS! You scum of the land! You all belong in Hell with the rest of The devil’s spawn!!”
It wasn’t anything any of the soldiers hadn’t heard numerous times before, Sasha had simply rolled her eyes and continued carrying the plates to the cart,shoving them in and going back to try and get anything else of any value.
Just as she’d walked into the doorway,she felt a cold,angry hand grab her wrist. She’d immediately grabbed her sword with her free hand and had whipped around,sword raising and lunging into the shoulder of the angry axolotl,who immediately let go of the human girl and screamed in pain,grabbing his shoulder as Sasha quickly pulled the now bloody weapon from his arm. She glared down at him,eyes like amethyst stones-purple,shimmering,and sharp enough to cut through your flesh.
“You DARE touch a toad soldier?”
The axolotl,letting his own fury distract him from the burning,unimaginable pain in his shoulder,glared at her with hatred and disgust.
”Toad soldier, bah! You aren’t even a toad! You aren’t anything but a disgusting monster sent from hell! You’re a curse upon this land!”
Sasha was unfazed,although if there was one thing she’d learned from Grime,it was that a strong soldier never,EVER let themselves get insulted or humiliated in front of their army. She wasn’t going to back down,not while her fellow soldiers were watching.She’d thought the stab in the shoulder would have immediately made the fool realize his place,but apparently not…
”You dare insult me?Are you honestly so stupid that you think you can face any of us?”
She motioned to the soldiers around her with her sword,the soldiers all chuckling at the Axolotl’s stupid, and, quite frankly,amusing outburst while others glared at him for his insolence.The axolotl paid them no attention,his rage focused on Sasha as he got up slowly,holding his blood drenched shoulder.
”You….all you do is steal….steal,harm,insult,kill!! You’re a curse upon the lands you tread! Everything you touch dies because that’s what you are!! You’re death and disease and dispose in living form-“
Sasha swung her sword at him,the flat side smacking him in the face and sending him to the ground once more as the soldiers laughed.She went over to him,raising her foot and bringing it down on his chest,hearing him gasp and watching as more dark,wine red blood squirted and oozed from the wound in his arm.
”You think you were ever entitled to anything? The land you lay upon now is Toad land,Toad land that was stolen by the bastard sitting on the throne in Newtopia, without any consent of the toad’s…...the toads were robbed of their land and resources and were forced to live in the barren, heron-ridden wastelands that forced us to be stronger than any weak little amphibian in this pitiful village.We aren’t stealing,we’re taking back what was always ours…..and kicking out any unwelcome guests.”
She pressed down,then took her foot off his chest. As she turned to leave,she felt a hand grab her ankle,then a hand reached up and grabbed her hair.
The axolotl,having finally been able to gain so much rage that it took the pain of his injury away and conferred it into sudden strength,grabbed Sasha’s hair roughly and pulled as hard as he could,sending her to the ground.
She screamed,finding herself colliding with cold,wet earth. After a few seconds of registering what had happened,she heard a cry of fury,then saw the axolotl above her,pulling a jagged dagger from his shirt.
She immediately lifted her sword from it’s hilt and shot up from the ground,eyes blazing.She loved a good fight….
The soldiers formed a ring around them,cheering Sasha on and yelling insults at the axolotl. Sasha raised her sword,pointing it at the axolotl.
”I hope you realized the mistake you made,peasant.” She growled,slowly walking towards him,her eyes locked on his.
He raised his dagger,eyes burning with a dangerous mixture of firey loathing,determination,and blind energy. He wanted to show this creature….this thing….this devil that he and his people were stronger than she or any filthy,warty toad could ever hope to be…..
Sasha smirked,then charged at him,the axolotl releasing a kind of harsh battle cry as he charged at her,holding his dagger up high,then bringing it down upon her seed as the two finally collided,putting all his strength into the arm that held the dagger,his free hand grabbing Sasha’s wrist.
Sasha growled and pulled away quickly,swinging her sword up and bringing it down,blocking the axolotl’s dagger as it swung towards her stomach.He drew back,then struck again,Sasha blocking again,then swung up and brought her blade down just as the axolotl raised his blade.
Her eyes closed in expectation of some kind of impact.
She could feel her blade collide with something….soft….then something wet…..then she opened her eyes.
The Axolotl’s arm was still midair,shaking,the dagger slipping from his hand and falling blade-down,planting into soft earth.
The girl’s eyes traveled from her hand to her blade….and saw that the tip and the part of the blade just below it now lay buried deep in the axolotl’s throat,which now gushed dark red blood,the hot,red liquid staining his clothes a dark reddish brown,droplets of it staining the green grass a sickening,rotted-meat color.
Sasha was stunned.Frozen.
She’d been taught all the main fatal points on every species's body,every hit that could kill a creature or main them or just leave them immobilized with pain for a few hours……
The place her sword had hit…
That was a fatal spot.
She...she’d killed him.
She was killing him,watching as he twitched and slowly sank to the ground,the tip of her sword sliding out of his bloodied flesh and rising a little,shaking as her own hands began to tremor and shake violently.
She heard him gargle and cough as his own blood rose into his throat,mouth and airways,her eyes meeting his.
His eyes were wide with shock and pain,tears and blood mixing into a watery,light reddish substance that left trails down his flesh,which grew paler by the second.
She heard a scream,but didn’t look up.
”ARNOLD NO!”
“SHUT UP AND STAND BACK WENCH!UNLESS YA WANNA END UP LIKE YOUR IDIOTIC MATE OVER THERE!” Mire yelled,pushing the axolotl’s distraught mate to the ground behind them as she watched her mate of however many years they’d been married bleed to death upon the ground.
Sasha didn’t move.
For a moment,she wondered if she’d forgotten how.
She…..
She should be feeling a sense of rejuvenation,of strength,as if she was getting more powerful as the axolotl’s life force was slipping away from him.
But…..
No….
Instead,she felt….
Cold….
Empty…..
Shaky,as if her bones were coming unhinged from each other,threatening to collapse inside her flesh.
She felt her chest go up and down rapidly,yet felt no air going into her lungs.
She felt as if her life was leaving her…..
Maybe the axolotl,in one final act of rage and action,had grabbed her soul from her and had torn it out the moment her sword had torn the skin of his throat.
No….that couldn’t be…..
It couldn’t….
He hadn’t even touched her….
She heard the axolotl’s ragged,wet breaths finally stop,eyes rolling into the back of his head as he finally fell back on the ground-heavily,as if he were a state that had broken off it’s stand and had fallen to the ground.
All color had drained from his flesh,leaving his skin pale and almost waxlike.
Dark red blood was pooling around his head,seeping into the ground,staining the ground copper.
Sasha was frozen still….everything deafeningly silent…..
She felt so…..cold…..so...devoid of anything……
She could feel and hear her heart beating,she could feel the blood pulsing through her veins….it was…..strange….nauseating…..
Suddenly,she felt someone clap her hard on the back,sending her stumbling forward a few inches,almost falling onto the body in front of her.
Her ears were suddenly filled with the sound of cheering and yelling.
”HOLY FUCK SASHA! YOUR FIRST KILL!”
“YOU’RE A WARRIOR NOW KID!”
“WAIT TILL THE CAPTAIN FINDS OUT!”
The soldiers all huddled around her,slapping her on the back,shaking her still trembling hands,smiling and congratulating her.
”Good job girl !Grime’s gonna be real proud…”
Fens beamed at her,Sasha slowly returning to reality.
Her first kill….
She was…
She’d killed someone…
Her first kill….
She was a true warrior now….
She breathed in, then slowly tightened her grip on her sword,bringing it up for all to see.
The blood had stained the blade,creating a sticky red sheath,so that it shone a light,bright red in the dimmed sunlight.
Sasha suddenly felt her grip grow tighter and tighter,till every muscle in her arm bulged out and became visible.
She could feel it now...the rush of life,of…..power…
She held it high,a wide smile growing on her face.
”....I’m a warrior now…”
“DAMN RIGHT!” Fens clapped her on the back,the toads all nodding,cheering and chuckling.
”C’mon kid-“
“SHE AINT A KID ANYMORE HEMLOCK! SHE’S A WARRIOR!”
Sasha tensed slightly at this.
A child no more….
At eleven years old,she was officially an adult in the eyes of her fellow soldiers…..
”Oop! Sorry-Cmon….hmmm...wonder what your warrior title shall be now-Mantis Killer doesn’t suffice anymore….”
The toads all agreed,immediately throwing around ideas for the new warrior’s new name.
”Axolotl-No….Frog….No….”
”The creature crusher! Creature Killer!”
“Frog Killer…”
Sasha was still frozen in place,still gripping her sword so tight that the handle felt as if it had melded into her hand.
She began to feel...irritated.
She was the new warrior- SHE should be choosing her own title!
“Hey,I’M the one who made the kill-I SHOULD BE THE ONE-“
The toads all turned towards her,her sudden yelling getting their attention.
”VIOLET EYES!”
One of the toads pointed at the girl,the others all following the direction at which he pointed.
The girl’s eyes were wide….and glowing a bright,hot violet….the same shade of purple as a belladonna, hemlock or foxglove flower, or the violet webcap mushroom, the same shade of vibrant violet that indicated that something was venomous,dangerous….deadly…..
Sasha was confused,then turned to her sword,wondering if she could get any kind of reflection from the bloodied weapon. A small sliver of unbloodied blade shone back at her,and it was then that she saw her glowing eyes.
She froze,stepping back. She’d never had this happen before…..maybe...it was a result of the kill? The power and life force surging into her from her victim? Perhaps that was it….either way….the name….Violet Eyes…..she liked it.Sounded good….she turned to them,smiling.
”Sasha Violet Eyes….that sounds good…”
The toads let out a collective cheer of acceptance-accepting that the skinny,stubborn,whiny little brat that had trained alongside them for five years had finally grown up into a strong,disciplined,merciless warrior…
She was now,at long long last, one of them……
”Cmon... Violet Eyes,it’s time we got back to the tower…..The Captain’s gonna be thrilled!! “
Hemlock beamed at her ,hand on her shoulder,Sasha looking at her with a proud smile on her face…..and a swirling storm of all kinds of different,indiscernible emotions in her eyes.
The soldiers gathered the last of the assets they’d confiscated from the villagers and made their way out,cheering and yelling,some singing a few victory songs as Sasha led the way,bloodied blade held high and unsheathed for all to see.
She turned back to take one last look at the village,and saw that all the villagers had come out of their homes and had crowded around the bloodied corpse of her victim,some gathered around his mate,who was kneeled next to the body,sobbing loud enough for her to hear amongst the toad army’s rejoicing. A few villagers were looking towards them-eyes cold and hard,full of sorrow,hatred and fear.
Sasha could only tell herself to be proud of that….that meant that she had succeeded in becoming a warrior-something to be feared and despised by the enemy.She turned away,smiling still….even if her eyes betrayed her mouth.
_____________________________________________________________________________
The sun had begun to set,the sky a bloody crimson color,the bright vermillion sun casting an almost sinister red glow across the barren wasteland.
Grime stood outside Toad Tower,along with Percy and Mason, a tower guard,Percy attempting to alleviate the tense mood.
”I’m sure they’ll be here soon! They probably had a lot to collect and carry back-“
”Oh shut up.” Mason growled, annoyed by the army jester’s constant,optimistic twittering about how everything would be okay and how they were just a bit held up and all that snailshit.
Grime ignored the both of them,standing still as a statue,warty face devoid of any emotion.
Percy let out a sigh,then looked to the side, eyes widening.
“THERE THEY ARE!!!! It’s them!!” Percy pointed to the horizon, the figures of the toad army slowly growing visible, their coppery armor shining in the red sunlight.
Grime turned, seeing Sasha leading them….her usually rose colored weapon stained a darker red.
“CAPTAIN! IS THAT YOU? GUESS WHO MADE HER FIRST KILL???” Mire yelled, pushing Sasha forward a little, the girl still walking forward, standing tall.
“First…..SASHA MADE HER FIRST KILL???” Mason yelled, eyes wide.
Percy gasped.”Oh goodness!! Is..Is she okay?”
Grime said nothing.He stared at Sasha, his good eye focused solely on her face.
Her mouth was frozen in a proud, triumphant smile.
She stood tall, proud, sword held up, muscles flexed and visible.
Overall, she appeared to be proud of herself.
Yet her eyes said otherwise.
Dark, cold, devoid of the pride and sense of major accomplishment that her body language conveyed.
They were almost….scared…..
Grime sighed.He knew this day would come...it was only a matter of time….
He remembered the day he’d made his first kill….
He knew….
The soldiers began filing inside,loot raised above their heads.Fens ran over to one of the tables they all dined on,jumping up onto it.
”OI! Mire,Larkspur,Robin!! You three,go out and hunt like mad and don’t you come back till you got us enough meat to feed us for three weeks!Braddock-what you got in that garden of yours??”
“Onions,cabbage,carrots,squash,a few potatoes and yams….”
“Get em all! And one or two of you go down to the kitchens and start making a meal fit for a new warrior!”
She pointed at Sasha,who just stood there,in the doorway,breathing heavily,still holding her bloodied sword.
Her eyes seemed to be looking past Fens,past everyone and everything…..and they were dark. Dark and smoldering,like fresh ash that was still fighting to keep the dying flames alive.
No one seemed to notice,too busy gathering crossbows to hunt with,laying out loot, collecting armfuls of vegetables and getting yelled at by Braddock whenever they dropped one or picked it improperly, rolling barrels of mead and weak beer up from the cold,mold encrusted hellhole that was the tower cellar, and overall just running around and causing chaos as yet planned a feast in honor of Sasha’s first kill.
After much chaotic running around,yelling,loud cursing and throwing a few punches,the soldiers had managed to push the wooden tables they came together to form one long table,laying out what was probably the best and only feast they’d ever had in the longest time. Mire and Larkspur had managed to take down 2 grasshoppers and a cricket- the grasshoppers being butchered into fine steaks and other cuts and grilled till the skins were charred and the meat juicy, and the cricket had been spit roasted with till the exoskeleton turned crunchy,the skin underneath a rich, soft brown,and the meat so tender you could practically eat it with a spoon.
They’d found a salted cured mantis Leg in the kitchens by surprise,so that had been baked and basted in some looted honey with onions and yams, and had been laid at the center of the table,along with some vegetable stew, some bread with only slightly rancid butter,baked potatoes and few early strawberries that Braddock had found in her garden.
Pints of mead and beer were grasped in every toad’s hand,to both commemorate the occasion and help them down the food should it end up being inedible or damn near it.
Sasha was sat at the head of the table,as was traditional for every new warrior at their celebration feast, with Grime sitting at the other end,the two both staring each other in the eyes,a silent staring match taking place between them as the others crowded around them,talking and laughing and chugging down their drinks before refilling their mugs and guzzling more drink down.
Sasha was emotionless-her eyes dark and almost glassy,staring right into Grime’s soul.
Grime knew that look….
Frog knows that his eyes had once shown that same dark,blank expression….
It was so eerie,all the cheer and festivity swarming around them as they sat still and stared at one another,blank and solemn,the torches that lit the room making things all the more unsettling-the way the room grew hot,cast in an orange glow, the flames flickering in the dark glassiness of Sasha’s eyes,the shadows of the soldiers swarming like thin clouds of flies- the disappearing food and appearing scraps only making Grime all the more convinced that they were clouds of flies and not the shadows of soldiers.
One soldier pulled the strawberries close,taking one and chomping it,the red juices smearing across his face and dripping down his chin.
”Damn juicy berries ya grew Braddock!”
Suddenly,Sasha stood up,the sound of her seat scooting across the stone floor resounding through the halls.
The soldiers suddenly all looked towards her,all eyes on her, Grime still staring at her from the end of the table.
Sasha just stood there,still expressionless.
Her breathing has quickened,and she was noticeably sweating,now looking….uncomfortable….more than uncomfortable,her eyes darting from soldier to soldier.
She proceeded to walk away,going upstairs,the sound of the door to the soldier’s quarters slamming shut,the sound almost deafening as it sounded through the now dead quiet tower.
The soldiers began murmuring amongst each other,the festive atmosphere was extinguished and replaced by the feelings of confusion,concern,and a bit of discomfort.Grime sat up,walking upstairs.
”....Captain?”
“Don’t you dare let all that food go to waste.You lot keep eating…..I’ll deal with her.”
The soldiers were silent,then slowly went back to their feast,the feeling of awkwardness and uneasiness cast over them like a shroud.
______________________________________________________________________________
Sasha was freezing.
Freezing cold.
As if her bones were ice,as if her blood were ice water….everything felt cold.
The red on the fellow soldiers lips….
The bright red….
Red like the blood that had poured from the axolotl’s gaping mouth as his life fled from his body.
The screams….they were suddenly in her ears,even though the event had taken place hours ago,the screams were so loud! As if the axolotl’s mate was standing right next to her, screaming her screams of loss and fear and agony into her ears.
Sasha was hyperventilating,shaking,just standing in front of the door to the soldiers quarters,eyes wide,pupils shaking along with the rest of her body.
She….
She’d killed someone.
She’d killed someone.
Murdered someone.
She’s a murderer.
Murderer.
MURDERER.
She’d taken a life,and all he was trying to do was fight for his territory….like the toads were doing….
He had been no….no different from them.
And she’d killed him.
She was…...a murderer.
A cold blooded murderer……
A monster…..
A disgusting monster sent from hell…
The axolotl’s words came rushing back to her,along with the screams of his mate and the sounds of his bubbly,gurgling screams as blood poured from his mouth…..
The sounds….so...loud….
So loud…
The blood….
She could suddenly feel the hot liquid on her hands,arms-EVERYTHING!
She could see it,dying her skin red,marking her a murder.She could smell the hot coppery smell of the blood…..taste it…..
She fell to her knees,opening her mouth to scream,only for hot,bitter,burning bile to come spilling out as nausea and the deafening screaming and gurgling and curses drowned all her senses.
She was suffocating….
Drowning…..
Drowning….
Dying…
“SASHA!”
Suddenly,It all stopped.
The noise gone….the blood gone…..the only smell filling her nose was the scent of damp rock and mold combined with the acrid smell of her own vomit.
Sasha looked around…The soldiers quarters…....she was curled up in a fetal position on the floor,shaking,her armor felt heavy and cold and clammy,yet the clothes underneath were hot and soaked with sweat.
She was also in front of the doorway,where Grime now stood above her,his eyes glowing in the dark.
Sasha took a few moments,then sat up,shaking violently.
She tried to stand,but her knees gave out, and she fell flat on the ground,weak and wretched.She felt a wave of shame and horror wash over her.
Grime was standing before her,and here she was, his best soldier,shaking and sobbing like like a pathetic young child!!
She….she’d failed him.
She opened her mouth….to apologize for being in such a disgraceful,shameful state...for failing him…..but she closed it as he came closer,then sat beside her,patting her back.
”.....The first kill is never easy….no matter what they tell you…”
Sasha froze…..what….what was…..he…
She felt even weaker as he pulled her closer,an arm around her.
”......You think it’s going to be the best thing you've ever done.That it'll make you stronger….braver…..but instead you just feel cold and devoid of everything….taking a life...and knowing you took it….then realizing that the one you killed was maybe no different than you...had children perhaps….it all haunts you…...makes you feel as if you’re lower than a beast…..sick….low…..as if you killed yourself and not your victim,took your own life and drained your body of its soul as if it were pus from an abscessed wound….”
“How do you….how do you live…?” Sasha asked,voice quiet and hoarse.
”...You just…..do…you grow numb to it….you begin to carry it with you….and you go on living…...You must….that’s what proves you are a warrior.Not your first kill,but the life you live after your first kill.If you can push through it,carry the weight,carry the responsibility….and live your life without letting the weight of the kill break you….then you are truly a warrior…..for you have shown strength unimaginable…”
He sighed,rubbing her arm.
”.....It won’t be overnight….but I know you,little fire eyed creature...you’re strong…..stronger than you may think…...you’ll survive….”
Sasha didn’t realize that she was crying till she tasted the warm saltwater streaming down onto her lips.
She quickly began wiping the tears away with her hands,only for Grime to gently grab her hands and pull them away.
”.....Let it out…..all keeping it in does is make you weak….you can only regain your strength after you’ve let it out…”
“....But soldiers…..never cry…”
“This is the exception….”
He held her hands in his,Sasha suddenly feeling like the small,scared seven year old that had come to this place all those years ago.
She…..she couldn’t….be so…..
So…..
Weak….
So….
So……
She collapsed into his arms,Grime holding her tight. Had this been any other soldier,hed’ve pushed them away and told them to cry into their own damn arms.
But….for this one…..he made an exception……
He let the girl heave and sob into his armor,let her cling to him for dear life…….Frog knew he’d needed someone to have done it for him all those years ago when he’d made his first kill…..
After an hour or so,the tears dried up,and Sasha had passed out in his arms,face pressed into his armor,an imprint already forming on the soft flesh of her cheek.
Grime,who had sat there with all the patience of a saint,slowly lifted the girl up,carrying her to her bed,slowly and awkwardly holding her up and removing her upper armor,then laying her down and taking her boots. He lay the armor next to her bed,then slowly pulled the thin bed covers over her.
”.........You'll heal soon….Little fire eyed creature…..You will….”
He left,shutting the door behind him,the room pitch black.
Sasha was in a deep,deep sleep,the trauma of the day’s events leaving her drained of all energy and emotion,so that when sleep came,it hit her hard and sent her into a sort of living death state,dark and deep and devoid of any dream or conscious state.
When Sasha would wake up the next day,she would find herself to be a new person.
A stronger person.
A more resilient person.
A more ruthless and unsentimental person.
A less innocent person….
And a more broken person.