//TW: anxiety crisis
Katya was not entirely there. Actually, she was not there at all. All those lights, the pounding music made her fade farther away at each minute. She felt dizzy, surrounded by a sweaty crowd that could eat her alive, or she felt like so. She glanced at the corners of the small club she got herself into on that Saturday night to find a bathroom as fast as possible. Once the female restroom luminous sign was found, she almost ran in its direction.
The line to use the small cabins was cruelly long and Katya was pale (more than she used to be). Not pale, her face was in a light shade of a greenish yellow. The more she stood there, the louder the other women talking voices got and it seemed like the line had doubled its original length. A tall gorgeous brown-haired lady who was about five people in front of Katya suddenly turned around to lean on the closest wall while she waited with her arms crossed and a bored expression that quickly shifted to a surprised and desperate one.
-Katya! What are you doing here? Are you okay? Oh, God, you’re not okay. I’m so sorry for asking, let me help you. - the girl spoke while hurrying to reach her, which did not take more than two seconds because of her long legs, the longest Katya had ever seen in her life, she wondered how was it possible for a human being to be half legs and half rest-of-the-body. She shot the words without pausing to breath, and not even one of her sentences made the slightest sense to Katya.
-Naomi… - she did not have time to put any thought into words, because Naomi grabbed her wrist and dragged the girl with her, excusing herself through the people.
-Excuse me! Excuse me! Hey, my friend here isn’t feeling well, can you please excuse us? – a girl rolled her eyes, it was very common to use that speech just to get out of the line faster. – She will throw up on you. – the girl looked at Katya and her face changed; she gave them free pass to keep jumping places in the line.
When they finally arrived in a cabin, Naomi sat Katya on the toilet cover and locked the precarious door. She then turned to look at the other woman and grabbed both of her hands.
-Here, breath in and out as I count. One… - she took a deep breath and Katya tried to copy the action, squeezing her eyes shut. – Two… - she exhaled unnecessarily loudly, trying to encourage her to keep going. – Three…
They went like this until Katya was able to say something.
-Thanks… - she looked up, wanting to show the tall girl she could stop worrying because she was fine. If being the reason of all this commotion was not humiliating enough, Katya was not strong enough to maintain eye contact, her tears started to fall unwittingly and she was soon choke-sobbing at Naomi’s neck while she hold onto her like her life depended on it.
-Naomi… - she paused, giving space to a violent sob. – I can’t… I can’t do this…
Naomi ran her fingers through Katya’s hair like she was a baby and tried to calm her down.
-It’s okay… You don’t have to explain it to me. Shh, it’s okay. – she whispered in a comforting tone.
-… not without her. I can’t – she sobbed again – I can’t do this without her. – the tears seemed endless, they just kept draining nonstop, it was getting Naomi’s top disgustingly stained and wet.
-I know, I know… - she continued caressing the other’s blonde locks.
Katya, then, made an abrupt movement like things had clicked inside her head. She looked up wide-eyed.
-Is she… - she tried to take a stable breath and failed. – Is she here? – there was fear in her pupils, as if she were talking about a serial killer and could get stabbed in the back at any given moment if she didn’t pay attention.
-What? No! She’s not, she’s at her parents’. She had to finish something from work, I don’t know.
The mention of Trixie’s parents’ house made Katya go all the way back to that specific night, the one she couldn’t get off of her mind, the one she woke up and cried herself to sleep thinking about, the one that made every single moment hard.
-//-
That night, Trixie got home from work walking through the door almost without lifting her feet from the ground. All her features seemed to weight a ton. The door closing sound was heard by Katya upstairs, and she got up like a happy puppy who had been waiting all day for her owner to come back. However, she didn’t get not even the chance to go down one step. Trixie noticed her girlfriend’s presence but didn’t look up. Instead, she sighed tiredly, put her keys and purse on the kitchen balcony and stayed like this, her right hand resting on the keys and her head low, for a few seconds. Katya already knew where that night was going. Again. She gave it a shot, anyway.
-Hey, baby… - she greeted, hesitantly. Trixie sighed again and finally looked at her.
-Hey. – she said and tensed the corners of her mouth, trying to form anything close to a smile.
Katya needed all the courage in the world to continue walking down the stairs and holding onto a fake sense of hope that things would be fine later, at some point. Maybe even tomorrow. But all the broken things between them could be fixed, at least this was what she believed in; their love was anything but weak. Trixie knew it too. Right?
The taller blonde took her hand away from the keys and pondered over what she should do next. They were both acting like characters in a telenovela, the drama was so thick it could be easily cut with a knife. Seeing that the girl wouldn’t care to be warmer and wasn’t comforted to see her after a whole day apart, to arrive the little, cute, and tidy place they built a home in, Katya just surrendered to her coldness.
-There’s food in the fridge if you want. I made it. – Katya said in a deep annoyed tone, already going back to the bedroom.
-Kat… - Trixie sighed, hoping it was going to make her girlfriend stop, even if her voice said otherwise. It worked. She stopped and turned her head enough so she could see her with the corner of her eye.
-I can’t take this anymore, Trixie. – they were both surprised to hear how serious she sounded.
-Take what?
-Don’t pretend like you don’t know. – she continued, seriously. – Every single day I work my ass off to make you happy and relaxed in your worst days. I fucking made you dinner again and fucking had to put it in the fridge again. Tomorrow, surprise, surprise! I’ll have to throw it in the trash again! I waited for you. The. Whole. Night. – she throwed her hands up, gesturing widely as she talked.
-Katya, listen… - Trixie kept her tired monotone.
-No, you listen. It’s my time to tell you what I feel, or do you think I’m a ball full of joy that works only in your favor? I am tired, Trixie. We’ve been together for God knows how long, and I’m not in a relationship to feel like this. It’s not right. I didn’t think I’d have to say all I’m saying right now, but it has come to a point where you are always, always too tired or stressed or whatever to even ask how my day was. It is always about you. About how you feel. And here I go all over again, glad to take care of you and listen to your complaints, or to be quiet when you don’t wanna talk. Don’t you have anything nice to say? Anything? Not a “thank you, Katya”, “I’m happy to be with you”. Nothing. – she said all at once, in one breath.
Trixie held her eyes onto her girlfriend’s and felt her blood getting hot. Even then, she kept her composure and talked in a very calm way, so calm it was scary.
-Katya. Do you think you work your ass off? Really? – fury kept growing inside her body. – I work at a full-time job to keep this house standing, to keep this relationship standing, to even keep you standing! The food you made me; how do you think we bought it, with you lying down in bed all day?
She knew she shouldn’t have said that the moment the words left her mouth. It was, now, a no turning back road. Katya turned her whole body to face Trixie, who was afraid the blue eyes she loved would burn her.
-Are you kidding me? Tell me you are kidding me. – it was almost a whisper. - Tell me, Trixie! – she said louder, exasperated.
Trixie was not able to say anything. She kept their eye contact and swallowed dryly.
-Say something.
-I didn’t mean exactly that. – Trixie wanted to apologize, truly, but her pride spoke louder than her brain.
-No, you did! You totally did! You think I am fooling around, relaying on your little precious, hard earned dollars. It is all about money for you, all the time. I’ve been running crazily ‘round town trying to find a reasonably well-paid job since I got unemployed, but no! Miss Trixie knows better! She always does, how was I even breathing before we met, right? Such a wise lady…
-You have absolutely no right to talk to me this way. – Trixie was hurt, but mostly angry.
-And you have no right to treat me like shit! – If Katya were throwing her hands high before, now it seemed like she would stop talking if someone cut them off. – Fuck you, Trixie.
Katya didn’t expect it to fall out of her mouth, it just did. They went silent for a moment.
-What are we even doing? – Trixie asked. – Together, I mean.
The girls stared at each other, in silence, none of them knowing what to say. Right now, they couldn’t dig into themselves to find the reasons why. It was enough for both. Trixie got her keys and purse back.
-I better go.
-Are you insane? Go where?
-I don’t know, to me parents’ house, I’ll figure something out. – she said, gaining back her calm (to Katya, only frightening) voice. Trixie opened the door again and walked through it. Of course, in like any cheesy romantic movie, it started to rain when the main couple split up. Before she got to close it, Katya put her arm on the way.
-Trixie, don’t be stubborn. Stay here for the night, I won’t let you go nowhere with this weather. You know how the rain in this city turns into a storm quickly. It’s not because I’m mad at you that I will be okay if you leave under these circumstances. – she grabbed Trixie’s wrist. Their skins touching was like an electric shock. Trixie pulled her arm away.
-Katya, don’t make this harder. – with that said, Katya knew she wouldn’t listen to anything from now on. So, she let her go.
She let her go and now all she had was the memory of her taste, or of the way she snuggled close to her at night on their bed, that was now only hers. Katya thought it was going to be only days or a week apart, and now it’s been a month. Trixie stopped answering her calls and replying to her texts after she got to her parents’ safely that night and let her know.
-//-
Now there she was, standing like an idiot in a Trixie’s close friend’s arms sobbing like a baby. She wondered if she would ever get over her. She probably wouldn’t. She has come to terms about her fate. Her weekends were spent on clubs, where she got slightly drunk, but not enough before she had to leave because of an anxiety crisis. It was not like she didn’t knew she hated being in those places, with unknown people. It brought her no joy at all, but she could pretend for some hours that she was someone else, someone who wasn’t broken inside without the girl she loved to death.
-She misses you. – Naomi said like she was telling Katya a secret. The girl looked at her brown eyes, not knowing if she gave attention to the faded light that shined a little brighter hearing that or to the skepticism telling her to calm the fuck down because things weren’t that easy.
-Does she? – she decided not to even try to hide how agitated the new information made her. Actually, she didn’t have the time to decide anything.
My, my
At Waterloo Napoleon did surrender
Katya got startled when the first notes made their way into her ear. She was like a dog who was waiting all day for its owner to come back from work and hears some shuffling sound coming from the door. She knew this feeling like she knew the palm of her hand, like she knew the feeling of a warm shower, like she knew where every freckle was located exactly on – well, on Trixie’s skin. But this time she didn’t run. She didn’t hide. She started walking almost in slow motion towards the stage, abducted by the overwhelming sensation. She took steps like there was no one else around and like time did not exist. Behind her, Naomi looked a little puzzled by the girl that just left her arms like the moments before had never existed, but she didn’t follow Katya. She knew damn well how does a broken heart act. And she knew damn well that song. Trixie had it playing on repeat.
Oh, yeah
And I have met my destiny in quite a similar way
The history book on the shelf
Is always repeating itself
As she got closer and closer to the little stage, she saw a drag queen who looked strangely similar to Cher doing a lipsync to the ABBA track. People were holding up money to tip the entertainer, who seemed tired but was giving it all to the performance. Katya felt a warm sensation creeping through her chest. The queen was giving it all. And so were her. She was there, with the loud melody pounding in all her muscles.
Waterloo
I was defeated, you won the war
As the chorus arrived, tears rolled out of her eyes like they were finally set free. Katya didn’t realize she was crying, she didn’t care. In her mind, a movie scene of her and Trixie in their living room doing the stupid little choreography they invented together during a karaoke night only for themselves after a day full of work. Trixie’s laugh was so clear in her mind that if she closed her eyes it was like she was right there, laughing loud enough to be heard in the middle of all the noise. The tears didn’t seem to stop coming any time soon.
Waterloo
Promise to love you for ever more
Her body involuntarily started to move in rhythm (if it could even be called rhythm) and she got the steps – which Trixie had taken a life to teach her – all right. She was happy. She was dancing. She was smiling, finally. Her head was shaking and her hair was everywhere. She didn’t care.
Waterloo
Couldn’t escape if I wanted to
Waterloo
Knowing my fate is to be with you
With that verse, in which Trixie and Katya pointed to each other, she pointed to the drag queen. The performer had noticed her in the crowd a while ago and shot her a couple of smiles, amused by the lonely girl having her own fun and giving no shit for anyone in the room and what the hell they should be thinking. In that moment, the queen gave her an open laugh and pointed back.
Waterloo
Finally facing my waterloo
As she openly sang this part, she was interrupted by someone grabbing her shoulder, gently, as a gesture for her to turn around. So, she did. And she couldn’t be more shocked. Her favorite pair of dark brown eyes was there, right in front of her. She had no time to say something, though, because the presence in front of her pulled her close to sing the next lyrics in her ear.
My, my
I tried to hold you back but you were stronger
Trixie couldn’t keep her smile from her voice when she asked, still close to Katya’s ear.
-What are you doing dancing all by yourself, you psycho?
Katya took a step back to offer the woman in front of her a hand and mouthed a “dance with me?”. The answer was obvious. So, when the second chorus started playing it was like they were all over again in their living room with their pajamas acting a fool.
Waterloo
I was defeated, you won the war
Waterloo
Promise to love you for ever more
Waterloo
Couldn’t escape if I wanted to
Waterloo
Knowing my fate is to be with you
This time, the girls pointed to each other. It felt like all the pieces fell back into place. It felt like the intentions behind everything they said when they fought were silently understood with just one look. They danced the heavy tension between them away in a way only them knew how to do and wouldn’t find it anywhere else in the world. The song came to an end and the queen winked at both of the women, thanked the audience and got back behind the curtains.
-Everybody, give it up for Chad Michaels! – a male voice screamed on the microphone.
As the next entertainer of the night was being announced, they were all sweaty and breathless and needed a moment to come down to earth.
-Okay, now care to explain why the hell are you here and in the exact moment that exact song was playing? – Katya asked in a playful way after they had calmed down.
-Naomi. She texted me while you were apparently babbling nonsense to her and staining her new top. And I am a good soul. I couldn’t let you leave alone in this state, so I thought of giving you a ride. – Trixie stated in a fake superior tone as she pretended to check her nails.
-Oh, right. What a good Samaritan. Do you think it’s possible to canonize someone who’s still alive?
They looked at each other and couldn’t keep themselves from laughing for too long. Katya’s wheezing and Trixie’s screaming laugh mixed together and they slapped and grabbed each other’s arms looking for support. When the laughs started to die, they were close, eye to eye. Trixie took the word.
-I missed you. Listen, I am so sorry- she started.
-Shh, I know. I know. – Katya cut her. – I missed you too.
They stared at each other and their eyes wandered through all their features and travelled down to their lips at the same time, as it was written in a script. The kiss was urgent, had a nostalgic taste. Nails were craving into skin; arms were strong around the bodies enlaced together. It had the dignity of a new year’s midnight kiss.
The feeling of urgency eventually turned into a calm brushing of lips.
-Give me one more chance to make it right? – Trixie whispered, still with their lips touching.
Katya leaned in to kiss her again.
-Baby, I won’t go home without you.