timeless
We were so intertwined. We had no idea it was a twist of fate. Everyone around us who knew just stared in wonder, at how poetic and unreal it was. I think we were just someone else’s ending. Their love story suffocated by a decades old choice that left them both aching. It felt so real, but it ended. And now I couldn’t go back if I wanted to, I can’t open the book, because it hurts way too much, or start a new one, because I’m persuaded that it’s not completely over yet.
I guess that it was meant to be this way.
While I write, memories slowly come back to my mind. And there’s nothing I could wish for more, than to find you back again. Love is such a mystery that would remain unsolved for me. The One. I was sitting in the back of the car, listening to this song when I suddenly thought of you. My eyes, looking down to my thighs, where I could see the shadow of your sleepy, smiling face, looking directly at me. As if you were laying down on me, resting your head on my thighs. Your adorable dimples, between your lips and your cheeks making me melt, and I couldn’t stop myself from imagining for one second, one single second, maybe too much considering the circumstances, me, leaning in to kiss you.
I regret so many things.
I want to go back so badly. I want you back, so badly. But we’ve both fucked up too much, and maybe it has come to a point where we just can’t. I’m trying so hard not to let myself crumble and let my tears roll out because in the rear-view mirror, my mom is looking at me. The truth is, we never lived these things, we only dreamt about them. We pictured them. We promised each other that it would happen one day. Yet now, we have to let them go. We are no longer dreaming of these things together. We are no longer sharing these thoughts, the crave of wanting to kiss each other, the urge of holding our hands, interlocking our fingers, the need of feeling each other’s body warmth. We are now silently thinking of them, trying to forget about them, trying to move on... because, after all, was it all meant to be this way?
I was only falling in love.
I keep telling myself.
It wasn’t my fault.
Entirely, no.
I couldn’t have predicted that.
True words.
But I could’ve done more.
Wrong. You gave her everything you could, you showed her all you wanted was her happiness, and she didn’t see it. You did everything you could.
Maybe, it was meant to be.
Indeed, and maybe it’s for a good reason.
Closed doors open new ones.
Maybe all that mess happened for a good reason. A pretty known quote says, “qui doit se quitter se quittera, qui doit se retrouver, se retrouvera.” If two souls are meant to be, they will eventually find themselves and meet again. Every step that life makes us go through is a necessary obstacle, good enough of a reason to accept and stay strong while going through it. And I believe that soulmates will always find each other one way or the other, back again.
We had told each other that it was a forever thing.
Ever since you firstly told me that you wanted a future with me, my thoughts about it froze. It was obvious. I definitely couldn’t imagine myself with anyone else than you. To me, we were definitely meant to be together. You were going to be mine forever. Since that day, in September 2019, when you told me about your dreams of you and I in the future for the first time, I admitted to myself that you were the love of my life. The person I’d share my life with, my secrets, my fears, my dreams, my laughs and tears, for the rest of my life. Yet I couldn’t imagine that fate was going to strike us so hard.
What happened was necessary.
Life showed us that we needed that break in our lives to take care of ourselves, to find ourselves, to be happy with ourselves before being happy with each other. Maybe... I thought that I already had found happiness in myself, but after everything happened, I realized that at the time, I hadn’t. My happiness was nothing else, no one else than you. You were the one who brought me happiness, and I wouldn’t entirely be happy if you weren’t either.
And guess what... you weren’t happy with yourself, and then started to be afraid of pulling me down. You realized it before I could and tried to break up with me for the first time, which I completely lost all my good sense from as I thought that you were abandoning me. It was so hard for me to understand how you could leave me if you still loved me. That feeling was one of the worst for me to bear with. Then, we got back together. I suppose you came back because you couldn’t stand to see me suffering because of you. Yet, we both know that we shouldn’t have gotten back together. At least... not yet? I had made mistakes, and, following these, you started messing up too, pulling me down with you... until you broke me. You came to a point where you didn’t know what you wanted, or needed, anymore, while I came to a point where I didn’t recognize you anymore. You weren’t the same person. That was at this precise moment that I realized that I had lost my girlfriend, my soulmate, the love of my life. For the very first time, I ended up shattered.
I kind of feel bad for people who have never experienced the kind of love that I’m experiencing with you. I wish everyone knew how it feels like, but on the other hand I feel like it would never be possible for them to feel what I feel towards you. It is so special. Something that I can’t detach myself from, something anchored in me, something wonderful, both at the same time, the best and worst feeling in the world. Yet I never let go of you… you did. You were always scared of not being good enough, you were suffering from past wounds that left a scar on your heart... and even if you tried so hard to heal, you didn’t manage to. Surprisingly, when you would talk down about yourself, I would be like a child who has their first wound disinfected: the more you kept doing it, the more it would affect me, the more I would hurt. That’s why, I would never ask you for any justification. We’re usually not on earth to deserve people, but I’m here, I exist, and I love you. There’s no other way to explain it.
Now that I only have memories of you left, I’m writing. I’m getting involved in an endless fight against the sandman, desperately trying to catch up on my memories while endless time multiplies, dividing itself without ever flowing away. Maybe that will save us one way or the other, in a way we still don’t know about. In the meantime, tell me that your expectations still didn’t fade... that they’re still there, which I will constantly wonder about, and hope that you didn’t forget about us, and what we lived. We’re escaping while we’re dreaming, we’re picturing ourselves in contexts that would probably never happen and still, we’re holding on to one another as if we never left, as if nothing ever happened... this is our love.