Gone?

Clarke woke up, same as every day, but she felt so empty. This was her seventh time waking up with Lexa not next to her. She missed her fiance so fucking much she felt herself losing her mind. She remembered everything about her, and didn't even need her around to paint her. But she wanted her around. She NEEDED her around. It’s been seven days. Exactly seven days since Lexa went missing, since Clarke felt empty and lost. She was nothing without the love of her life. She remembered the way Lexa looked at her, searching. Clarke barely ate. She only ate two meals a day. She couldn’t eat, not without Lexa. Was Lexa dead? Or somehow alive? Clarke needed to know. She visited the police every single day, hoping for a miracle, that they somehow found Lexa. She missed the girl so bad. Clarke need a distraction from Lexa, but nothing was working. Painting? She just always ended up painting Lexa. Writing? Lexa. Taking a walk? Lexa. She saw her everywhere. In the trees, in her friends. Everywhere.

She NEEDED a distraction. Needed to stop thinking about the girl, but how? How the hell was she supposed to when every single second of her life since she’s met her she’s spent thinking about her.

Clarke sat on her bed. She woke up at 7 A.M. She used to always wake up at 11, but not now. She hasn’t slept properly without holding Lexa, without Lexa holding her. She was nothing without her. Last night she fell asleep at 4. She felt so fucking terrible, mental and physical. She forced herself out of bed and grabbed a knife to cut vegetables for her salad. Lexa’s recipe. Knife. Blade. She stared at it. She read somewhere, that people tend to cut theirselves to numb the mental pain. Would it work? Worth a try.. right? 

Clarke sliced herself and god, did it hurt, at first. And then it felt amazing, numbing, like she had read read. After that Clarke just felt disappointed in herself. What has she done..? She didn’t clean it, though. Like, she wanted it to get infected, to get bad. She had little to no hope left. Lexa’s gone, right? Clarke hated herself for losing hope so quickly.

Clarke got a message from her friend, Raven.

‘’hi clarkeee!! are you alright? lexa will be back, i promise.’’

Clarke stared at the screen. No she won’t. 

‘’i’m fine. thx’’

Clarke replied dryly, immediately feeling guilty for it. She sighed and placed her phone down.

—------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Lexa stared at the woman who captured her, but not in a hateful way. The woman was kind and trained her. Why, though? She wanted to go back to Clarke, to the love of her life. She told the woman that several times, but the woman always denied. “‘Love is weakness, Lexa.’’ she said. Lexa hated that saying. Her love for Clarke- Clarke made her strong. She loved Clarke dearly and would sacrifice everything for her. Wait. Isn’t that a sign of weakness? A small part of her brain told her. What the fuck? Thiis woman is getting inside of my head.

Lexa woke up to a drink being shoved down her throat and she had absolutely no idea what it was. ‘’What the hell!? What is that!?’’

‘’Shh, calm down, Lexa. It’ll make you strong.’’ The woman said. Lexa felt herself losing consciousness. She tried to keep her eyes open, to sit up, but the woman pushed her down. “‘Give into it, Lexa. Relax.’’  And Lexa didn’t want to, but there was nothing she could do, really. 

The brunette woke up. Where am I? Who am I?

"Good morning. Your name is Lexa, if you’re wondering. I saved you. Um, look, this may not seem believable, but.. love is weakness, okay? Remember it.’’ Lexa could do nothing but nod, like some mindless robot. She felt like a mindless robot. Love is weakness. Love is weakness. Voices in her head chanted.

—----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Days turned into weeks and weeks into months. Lexa’s gone.Clarke fell down a really bad path, completely losing herself. She was drunk half of the time and high the other half. There wasn’t a day where her thighs and wrists weren’t bloody. She just wanted to end it all, really. There was nothing stopping her. No Lexa.

Clarke walked through the woods when she heard footsteps and a slicing sound. She quickly hid behind a tree and looked. LEXA. But that wasn’t her Lexa. Lexa was murdering someone. Lexa’s not a murderer, at least, till now.. but Lexa wouldn’t harm her, right? Clarke revealed herself from behind the tree and Lexa looked at her, getting ready to attack. “‘Lexa.’’ the blonde said, her voice soft and loving, but the concern was obvious in  her expression and the way her voice slightly shook.

Lexa’s eyes slightly widened. How does she know my name? ‘’Who are you and how do you know my name?’’

“‘What?’’

‘’Did I stutter?’’

Clarke felt tears in her eyes. ‘’Is this a joke? It’s not funny. Please stop. I’m Clarke Griffin, the love of your life, your fia-’’

‘’Love is weakness.’’ the brunette said harshly. ‘’Give me one reason why I shouldn’t kill you like I just did with that man there.’’

‘’Why are you killing people, Lexa?’’ Clarke sobbed.

‘’Doesn’t matter.’’ Lexa said harshly, getting ready to murder the woman.

‘’Lexa..’’ Clarke sobbed. ‘’What happened to you? Why are you being like this?’’ 

‘’I’ve always been like thi-’’

‘’No you fucking haven’t!’’

“You forget, Clarke, I’m the one who’s holding the blade right now. I would lower your tone if I were you.’’ 

And in a second, Lexa tackled Clarke, pinning her to the ground, getting ready to stab her in the throat, but something stopped her.

‘’Lexa..’’

The brunette glanced at the blonde one last time and ran away. What the fuck just happened?