Bonus Cronus
Your name is.
Your name is...
Ugh.
Look. I don't want to do this. I know YOU don't want to do this. Let's just grit our teeth and make it through, okay? I promise it'll be over soon.
Your name is CRONUS AMPORA. As god's gift to trolls, you spend most of your time LANGUISHING in a HEDONISTIC STUPOR of sopor slime, faygo, and the finest fruits your VINEYARD can produce. That's right, ladies. You own a VINEYARD. Said vineyard is owned and operated by your beloved CULLED FLEET of LOWBLOODS. Two dozen well-trained vineyard operators that you, out of the KINDNESS OF YOUR OWN HEART, put to work making you the world's best grape juice. For some reason, though, your harvest turns out pretty BITTER.
Yet in spite of your LIFE OF EXCESS, you can't help but feel that you're missing something. Something important! That's why you have decided to embark on the same quest that your ANCESTOR undertook! The LOVE QUEST. As a matter of fact, today is the fated day you're set to leave. With TEARS in your eyes, you prepare to say goodbye to your MINIONS, leaving the vineyard in their expert care. You were never actually that good at maintaining the place yourself, anyway.
You speak with a vwhimsical lilt and your online handle is casanovasAdonis.
What will you do?
Bid farewell to your beloved employees. ==>
Shouldering your immense backpack, you step out of your office. You look out over the vineyard one last time, taking a deep breath of the crop of grapes, or as your lowblood employees like to call them, "fragrance pustules." So charming and rustic, they are!
Your right-hand-man approaches you. An oliveblood who's slated to take over for you as head honcho when you're gone.
PORGAS: 5o thi5 is goodbye, huh, bo55?
CRONUS: looks like, fella! vwhen next you spy your old buddy cro, it'll be wvith quads decked to the nines!
Porgas shuffles his feet, chuckling doubtfully.
PORGAS: 5ure, 5ure. ju5t take care of your5elf, okay, buddy?
PORGAS: it'5 a big world out there.
You wrinkle your nose and scoff. Your usually-supportive foreman has always been dubious of your love-quest. Still, he means well, and you're sure his hesitation is born of care for you! You pat his shoulder. Porgas is taller than you, and nearly twice as wide, but he has the disposition of someone half his stature, a nervous sort.
CRONUS: porgas ole buddy! you shoulndt wvorry about me. i can take care of myself!
Porgas laughs again, the same unsure, nervous chuckle. You roll your eyes, walking towards where your lusus is stabled.
CRONUS: i suppose this is goodbye my friend! i shall newver forget the likes of you all!
You wave to your now-former employees, who all wave back, their expression matching Porgas's, doubtful support.
AYYMEE: dOn't fEEl bAd If yOU hAvE tO cOmE bAck, crO!
A yellow-blooded employee says kindly. You scowl. You appreciate that they care about you, but really! Some support would go a long way!
You invite your lusus, a pale white floating seahorse, from the stable where he prefers to sleep. You pat his snoot as you climb onto his back and ride away from the vineyard, for good. As he floats gently down the dirt path towards town, you pull your ancestor's diary from your backpack and begin to read.
3rd perigee, spring, day 16.
emergin from the sea wwas real invvigoratin. i nevver kneww the surface had such wwonders. before, i alwways thought it wwas a barren, boring place! that's wwhy i tried to build all those doomsday machines n wwhatall. i guess i don't regret tryin to kill the surface-dwwellers, since it wwas a wwiggler-hood growwin experience for me, but i'm glad i didn't pull it off.
my lovve quest is goin great. i stopped into a towwn called hivvefree, the place is glubbin packed wwith lowwbloods. easy pickins. not that i go for the loww hanging fruit. not that there's anythin wwrong wwith lowwbloods. haha.
Ah, the trusty journal of your ancestor, The Vvagabond. A traveling lover, a veritable troll Don Juan! An Eridan-Juan, if you will.
According to himself, at least.
You stop reading as you see the city skyline breach the horizon. You've been to the city, often, of course, it's not actually that far from home, but you figure it's a good place to get started on your love-quest. You approach the city gates, and the bored-looking attendant, a short tealblood, opens the gates for you.
TALOHS: HEy, cro.
CRONUS: hey talohs!
CRONUS: listen im kind of on a special errand today.
TALOHS: YEah? WEll im on a special errand too. ITs called opening and closing the gates, just like always, please leave me alone.
CRONUS: you're such a card, tal. but seriously, do you knovw wvhere a fella like me could meet some cuties? i'm kind of on a lowve quest.
Talohs regards you with abject disgust. You waggle your eyebrows cockily. Maybe you could get a pitch thing going with this half-pint security guard! Talohs, to your shock, shuts the gates suddenly.
TALOHS: ON second thought, i probably shouldnt let in your element.
You gawk at him. Your love-quest is in jeopardy already?!
CRONUS: vwhat do you mean "my element?" let me in! i'wve entered the city hundreds of times!
TALOHS: HUndreds of times too many, imo.
Looks like this cheeky teal isn't flirting. This is just good old-fashioned genuine hinderance! Being a jerk, not being a jerk with flirtatious intent! But you can't lose hope! Your love-quest is going to face adversity, you knew that to begin with.
Consult journals for love-quest instructions. ==>
You seem to remember something similar happening to The Vvagabond... Ah! Here it is.
3rd perigee, spring, day 34
bad newws. got kicked out of hivvefree. turns out the gal wwho i thought wwas flush flirtin wwas actually the matesprit of the magistrate. despite my highblood standin and despite the fact that hes a lil rustblooded wweasel they ran me outta towwn. fuckin bs is wwhat it is. i shoulda doomsday devviced these fuckin chuds long ago. id go back to the ocean if i didnt knoww deep dowwn i wwas destined for lovve success and greatness.
Hm. Doesn't look like that's any help. You flip around in the journal.
5th perigee, f'wwinter, day 18
this wweird fuckin homeless man kept followwin me around today. i thought it wwas wweird but i thought wwhy not maybe i can muster enough pity for him to auspitize one of his quads or be a moirail or somefin. he said he wwas from the moon. fuckin riot of a dude he wwas. anywwavve, it didnt pan out cause all he wwanted to to wwas talk at me about my destiny or wwhatevver.
he said one day my ancestor wwould find this journal of mine and that i oughtta givve him a message. he said "play the game, but bewware the pink demon. dont forget to awwaken on the golden moon."
evven tho his poem wwas p cool and dating a mutant candyblood wwould be totally good for my cred, i ditched him cause he smelled bad.
That seems unrelated. Though you do always like that passage, it feels like you and your ancestor are connected through time. You sigh wistfully.
TALOHS: WOuld you ever fuck off?? YOu've been sitting there reading your shitty book for like twenty minutes.
You scowl at Talohs, putting your book away, instead opting for a different approach. You'll consult with your love-guru!
--- casanovasAdonis began trolling glorifiedAdmirer ---
CA: vwowv you unblocked me thats super tight
GA: Against the screams o+f my better judgement, yes.
CA: wvell thats tight as fuck babe i really need your help right about nowv.
GA: I'm no+t o+ffering my services to+ yo+u, Mister Ampo+ra. Yo+u're crass and rude, yo+u never take my advice, and yo+u incessantly flirt with me, when I've expressed I'm no+t ro+mantically interested in any o+f my clients.
CA: ahaha cant fool me doll i knowv the hard-to-get act a mile and a half avway.
CA: but seriously. i'll pay double for some advwice right nowv.
GA: Hard pass. I just had so+me info+rmatio+n to+ pass o+n.
GA: It pains me excruciatingly to+ say this, and I kno+w yo+u'll immediately misco+nstrue these wo+rds, but.
GA: Yo+u were in my dream.
CA: awv hell no. not your bullshit dreams, come on. ewveryone knowvs those are just fake. you just say you havwe crazy prophecy dreams to drum up business and toot your owvn horn.
GA: Yo+u have an asto+unding way o+f never quite reacting like I imagine yo+u will, yet still inevitably disappo+inting.
CA: that's my charm, babe. *wvink.*
GA: ...
GA: Case in po+int.
CA: look if you tell me the dream then wvill you hear me out and givwe me some adwvice?
GA: Whatever. Fine.
CA: nice
GA: I saw yo+u in the city in my dreams. A land o+f go+ld, a mo+o+n ancho+red to+ a planet belo+w, drifting amo+ng the clo+uds. Yo+u were there, o+ut o+f place, flo+ating absently in the vo+id, but as yo+u passed, the o+nlo+o+kers po+inted and lo+o+ked. They called yo+u the beaco+n o+f ho+pe. Yo+u lo+o+ked as tho+ugh yo+u were o+n the verge o+f waking up.
CA: vwhoa
CA: golden moon... i feel like i'vwe heard that somevwhere.
GA: I'm glad it means so+mething to+ yo+u. Perhaps yo+u'll lend my visio+ns mo+re credence.
CA: haha
CA: nah
CA: but nowv that the boring shit's out of the wvay, let's javw about MY problems.
--- glorifiedAdmirer blocked casanovasAdonis ---
CA: HEY!!
Well, that was a bust. Fucking slippery gurus. There's hard-to-get, then there's HARD-to-get. You sigh, looking back at the closed gates. You glance at Talohs, making your best puppy-dog face. Talohs recoils in disgust.
TALOHS: TRy again next time, dingus.
You sadly hop back onto your seahorse and float miserably back into the horizon.
As you return to the vineyard, your former employees don't seem surprised to see you. You put your lusus back into the stable, and he gives you a nudge with his snout as if to say "better luck next time, champ."
PORGAS: love que5t didn't go 5o well, huh bo55?
CRONUS: *sniffle*
PORGAS: d'aww. don't worry, bo55! we're all rooting for you. right guy5?
Your employees nod in kind agreement, but their expressions are ones of pity. It wounds you.
PORGAS: you ju5t tuck your5elf into your recupacoon and i'll be by 5oon to bring you 5ome warm moobea5t secretion5 and 5weet wafer5.
Porgas pats you on the head, kindly, smiling. You look up at him, eyes swimming.
CRONUS: vwith the choccy chips?
Porgas nods.
PORGAS: with the choccy chip5.
CRONUS: *vwhimper*
You slink back into your office to lament your failure. You open your phone and scour for someone to talk to to get your mind off things. Looks like the only person who hasn't blocked you and is online is HER.
--- casanovasAdonis began trolling cruelCondescension ---
CA: meen wvhy is life so brutally cruel?
CC: seen my CC
CA: don't leawve me on read!
CA: and don't passiwve aggressiwvely type "seen by CC," jackass.
CC: fuk
CA: vwhy does no one like talking to me?? i think they're intimidated by my impossible charms. is that it? am i cursed forewver to be TOO beautiful? to be perpetually stuck on a pedestal?
CC: noah fence dude but
CC: wtf are you talking about even
CC: is this about us not inviting you to play the game?
CA: vwhat game?
CC: shit
CA: vwe're playing games??
CC: uhhhhhh
CA: meenah, you GOTTA let me play. i'm so good at games.
CC: look all my spots are full ok
CC: ive got 12 copies of this thing and we already have 12 ppl
CA: FUCK.
CA: wvho's playing?
CC: it kind of shook out interestingly
CC: sea theres one dude from every caste lmao
CC: theres 2 teams, araneas team n my team
CA: ooooh, that's a tough choice. i don't knovw wvhich team to pick.
CC: wouldnt worry about that
CC: anywave my team is
CC: me, por, tuna, tula, rufioh, and one of rufiohs buds
CC: and araneas shitty team is
CC: aranea, meulin, kurloz, kankri, horuss, and, uh...
CA: no.
CA: no!!!
CA: not HIM!!!!
CC: look calm tf down okay
CA: i can't beliewve your seadwveller rep is HANSOM fucking FELLOW
CA: hansom is the sleaziest bastard. he's a total wvomanizer!
CC: dont be heterophobic jackass
CC: he didnt choose to be born that way
CA: you'vwe got to kick him out. please.
CC: jfc if youre that twisted up take it up with aranea
CC: hansom isnt even that bad
CA: meenah, please, you havwe to tell aranea to unblock me. i hawve to talk to her.
CC: yeah nah
CC: we 8nt even on speakin terms and if we were i wouldnt do that for you
CA: this sucks. this is the wvorst day ewver.
--- casanovasAdonis ceased trolling cruelCondescension. ---
As you finish that horrible conversation, Porgas enters with a plate of cookies and a glass of milk.
PORGAS: here you go, bo55. even heated the moobea5t excretion5 for you.
PORGAS: 5till feeling blue, buddy?
You sullenly nod. Porgas sits down on the respiteslab, patting his lap.
PORGAS: lay down that head, big guy.
Suddenly, something occurs to you. Something a little embarrassing, something you're a little shy about.
CRONUS: hey, uh. porgas. i knovw you're my loyal employee and all, but um.
CRONUS: maybe you and me could sorta hawve like. a feelings jam?
Porgas laughs as you lay your head on his lap. He smiles, sweetly. You can't believe you hadn't seen it in him, before, his kind smile, his loyalty, his gentleness... All the makings of a moirail, right under your nose.
PORGAS: i'd love that, bo55.
Laying your head on his lap, drinking warm milk, the strife of the day seems to slip away. You look up at the oliveblood with big, round eyes.
CRONUS: you think i'm cool, right, porg?
PORGAS: the coole5t, bo55.
The way he says it is impossibly unconvincing. You don't believe him for a second, but oddly, his patronizing doesn't get to you. He just doesn't want to hurt your feelings, and for that, you appreciate him.
===
Good evening, gentle readers.
It's me again! Professor Scratch. Once again, don't mind the clutter in here.
It's come up a few times, now, but, ah. I feel I need to address something. There have been a few mentions by now, and I'm sure, being smart readers, you've connected the dots.
Some people have taken to calling little me the "pink demon." A ridiculous moniker! I should really explain all that so you don't think ill of me. It's all a silly misunderstanding, I assure you.
See, I might have not been entirely truthful earlier. I said once that Meenah was the first visitor to my moon, and, well, that was true! She was the first visitor, so to speak, in that she was the first person to come here to visit. But there was another individual who kept me company before Meenah came along.
This individual didn't so much "visit" as... Shall we say... Crash land? He came on a meteor that struck my moon, you see. Ruined my garden! But he came in the form of a wiggler, with lovely candy-red blood.
I raised him as my own, you see. And do you know what he did in return? He tried to flee! Once he saw my plans and designs, he grew to hate me.
I tried to reason with him! He tried making all kinds of fuss, trying to get people down on Beforus to come rescue him, so I made it a little more difficult for crafts to land on my lunar surface. You remember. The story of the Piilot.
But despite my best efforts, he managed to flee. It was a pity, really. I warned him! The world wasn't ready for him, yet. They called him such names! Moonman. Redblood. Sigh... My poor boy.
Meenah, of course, is the exception to my little rule. The spacecraft I gave her is capable of circumventing the jamming effect I have on other crafts, you see, so she can come and go safely.
So, you see, any mention of this "pink demon" business is just a nasty rumor spread by a misguided boy! The ravings of a literal lunatic! Don't mind them, I assure you you have nothing to worry about, and I'd appreciate if you, dear reader, could treat these nasty rumors and names with a modicum of skepticism!
I'm sure my wayward moon man won't feature heavily in this tale, after all. Not a chance.
Anyway, if you were wondering, Meenah has been staying here with me for the past few perigees. For those keeping score, again, it has been six perigees since she first visited, and six perigees until they are destined to play. Meenah and Aranea have both amassed their respective teams, and on the surface, they appear to be ready to play! But six perigees remain until this comes to fruition, due to several monkey wrenches tossed into the mix!
For starters- And this was an oversight on my part- Meenah's copies of the game I bequeathed her are presently at her old hive, the former imperial palace. All twelve discs sit in her respiteblock, gathering dust. I cannot replicate the discs, unfortunately, because the rapscallion who helped me code the things isn't cooperating any more. No matter, though. There were only ever meant to be twelve.
I hope that this helps everyone get up to speed on things. Everything will come to fruition in time.
And please. I can't stress this enough.
You can trust me.